Goodbye Yellow Brick Road...

 I’ve had that song stuck in my head for about two weeks now and it’s finally driving me crazy. It’s a great song. It has nothing to do with The Wizard of Oz. It sounds better when it’s sung slowly by a female, which is the actual version that’s stuck in my head. Help me.

I’m leaving next week-ish, for about two weeks. I’m supposed to be being hospitalized next week for a few days before I go. I have that antibiotic resistant bacteria again. It’s not spread so my family can’t get it but it’s making me really sick. I’m fainting. I cut my neck a few days ago when I hit the edge of the dog’s kennel door, slid down it, I guess and then slammed the back of my head on the floor. My husband was walking the dog and when he came in, saw blood running from my head ( neck, actually) and unconscious, I guess that scared him a little. It looks pretty cool though :-)

Anyway, they will get a room ready for me. Everyone in hazmat suits ( which kinda feels like it CAN be spread, right??) and I’ll be admitted. Then we are going to the Middle of Texas for a couple of weeks. I’ve never been to where we are going and that will make two years that I’m not home on my birthday, not that that makes a huge difference though. 

The good news... if I make it to my birthday, I will have officially lived to an age older than my mother did. 

My mother died at 52 years old 

My dad died when I turned 52 years old.

How is that for weird. March is going to be tough. The lead up to March is twisting my insides already. 

I ordered a table to put in the living room to be a space for me to do my art. I usually use the huge island in the kitchen but paint is a pain to get off the granite and it’s hard to reach across and move freely so when I’m using the table it will be in from of our nine foot windows and door so I can use natural lighting. This is making me super happy! I mean it’s just a very small thing but sometimes those are the best things!! Look forward to art being posted on here again. Yay!!!!

Goodnight loves,

Tracy

Hey.

 These past ten days have been interesting, to say the least. 

We’d planned a vacation for the same time, but obviously that didn’t work out. We were going to rent an RV to drive to Flagstaff and then get an Airbnb cabin with room for us, the boy, the YM and her boyfriend and the oldest son and his family. .... ironically, we were hoping for snow.

Well, we couldn’t get out and even if we could have, we needed to stay here to monitor the pipes. The ones really causing issues were the balcony sprinkler systems. We ran our dryer ever couple of hours because our vent goes through the loft and out onto the balcony, therefore keeping pipes warm. 

We are very fortunate. Robb makes a habit of teasing me if I say something that sounds like white privilege. An example, I told him that with the new Covid strain from the UK, we were only going to order groceries and have the concierge pick them up and leave them outside the door. He said “ what’s that smell? Oh! It’s white privilege”

Ouch. And totally true. I sounded like a jackass. 

I will admit that we were lucky because of WHERE we live. Businesses beneath us. They were give priority and by way of that, so we’re we. My girls live close to hospitals. That helped them and every day and night we saw such misery and nightmarish situations. My om’s friend lost her dad from carbon monoxide poisoning. There was a lot of that. Babies sleeping in cars until the gas ran out and gas stations didn’t have gas. A friend of ours found a man, dead, frozen next to a bush.

We offered our home for showers, outlets, water and warmth. Our building made pots of spaghetti and chili and took them to the clubhouse. There was heat and water and showers in the gym. Yet, I felt so helpless. So overwhelmed with the sheer number of people needing help. 

I yelled at Stephen King. ( Ps: it’s not the first time, either! I was paid to write movie reviews for a now defunct website when we moved to Arizona. The Mist... I’m gonna give spoilers about a 20 year old movie... A CHILD was SHOT in the last few minutes and I needed to unleash the anger over that.... So, I emailed him. I know!! Crazy or Sassy? 

Anyway he made a stupid political post about Texas which was correct on a basic level but while people are starving and dying, it’s not the time for that, Dude!!! Send food, blankets, water, Diapers, formula, feminine products, toothpaste etc... no need to kick people while they are WAY down, STEPHEN!

My husband’s worksite closed down so he was home for the ten days and we threw out a time schedule. Played board games, rented movies, slept when we were tired and ate when we were hungry. No rush. No pressure and boy, it was really relaxing. With the exception of the constant fear that we could freeze to death or have our home flooded. I needed that time to shut down.

Texas is an..... Interesting.... place.

Night,

Tracy

So, I guess you’ve probably heard...

 Texas has shut all the way down.

McDonald’s is fucking closed! It’s the apocalypse!No power for nearly two million people. “Rolling blackouts “ turned to, “Ah, fuck this. You get a free blackout and YOU get a free blackout! Enjoy!”

The water pipes that lead to the balcony fire sprinklers are bursting right and left where I live. The fun part? The change in pressure to fire sprinklers makes the fire alarms think they’re being used, therefore there must be a fire and the alarms sound off for hours at a time. We spent two hours outside waiting to be told that it was just water. Seven more times in, we just have our bag packed, put warm clothes on and put earbuds in. You know that one of these times it’s gonna be a fire and I’ll be in bed with a pillow over my head  when they find me.

If it wasn’t so jacked up it would be funny that Texas has shuttered up over snow and low temps. But...I live here so it’s not funny yet. 

We have another storm coming Wednesday. Oh, Lord, help us! I guess this is one way to get people to stay the hell home!

My baby girl turned 23 on Valentines Day. I can’t see her. I miss her. She’s a good egg.

Love ya!

Tracy

The Story You Have Never Heard...

 Ok.... I’m always being asked to tell something that I’ve never told before and frankly, by this point, that’s pretty hard to do but there are two at least and one that I’ll tell today.

I was once the number 5 trending topic on Twitter.

Yup. That’s a true fact. I do have screenshots somewhere in my photos but, I have 18,000 photos and not that much time to meander through them all.

Why was I the number five trending topic?

A very well known Senator once tweeted, out of sheer boredom, asking people to tell him a silly joke. I tweeted to him:

What do you call a fish with no eye?

He tweeted back and asked what do you call a fish with no eye?

I responded: a fsh 

That dumb joke, my twitter name and the Senator went viral. The Senator and I had a long conversation and I told him a few more stupid jokes. We clicked like old friends. 

We still converse. He’s a good guy and VERY well known. I can’t give you a clue because you guys would guess in a second but my kids were pretty fucking proud for a long time!

There you go.

Tracy

Buckle up, Buttercups

 There’s a lot to think about when one is locked inside their home for nearly a year and being as I’m the type of person to mull over, dissect, piece together, ponder and analyze all the things, that’s a year full of free therapy, right there. Sure, heaps more junk has piled on but that stuff is in the “DRAWER” for the time being. That’s how these things work.

I’m working on this documentary. Or, it’s working on me, maybe. Either way, the thinking... Think Think Think... Says Pooh.... is exceptionally difficult, painful and also enlightening and freeing. 

I had this moment a couple of days ago, talking to the brother of Rob... NOT, Robb, but my teen first love Rob. The one who came to propose when he didn’t know that I was married and five months pregnant. That fork in the road that you didn’t know you were passing at 100 mph. 

How many of those are there?

And the conversation got me to doing some of that thinking stuff and we wrapped up our conversation. Think.

The moment of realization. Loud, like a clap of thunder yet, damp and misty like the fog on a cold day.....an uncomfortable feeling. Yet, also the realization that there is a reason for why you think think think and it’s because you are trying to understand what’s off. What’s different. Why you struggle even when there is no outward reason for you to feel the way you do except... there is.

I AM BROKEN. 

I joke about me being a turtle and lugging around a shell but the reality is.... I do that BECAUSE I am broken. 

I’ve always been embarrassed to think of myself as broken but my God, how do you survive being sexually molested by your mother in the ways that she abused me and not come out the other side, broken? Why should I carry the burden of shame for that? Why have I been? I didn’t break me. 

Something I’ve never told anyone until I told my husband this past week....hold on....

I don’t remember the first time I had sex. Or the second. Or who that person was. In that way, my memory starts on the day I conceived my oldest son.  I mean, obviously there are bits and pieces and memories of the abuse and I know who was used to facilitate the abuse so I can GUESS who it was but I have no memory of ever thinking... “This is my first time having sex.”

I don’t even remember my first.... Kiss. 

Gone. Taken from me. These stages of life that people always remember. I’m missing those.

People live with being broken all the time. There’s nothing for me to be embarrassed about. It doesn’t mean that I’m not strong, in fact, it shows that I am strong.  I live while broken. I thrive while broken. I have persisted while broken. I have been the storm, while broken. I’ve been my own champion. I’ve been my own advocate. I’ve never been weak. 

Despite being broken. In SPITE of being broken.

It suddenly came to me after I’d finished that conversation that it’s very likely that every choice, every decision, every situation, I’ve made since I was a young teen or found myself in, was because I was broken. We see life through our own experiences. Some people have never been broken. How can they not have a different viewpoint than someone who has experienced being broken? 

Who I allowed into my life.

Where I lived

The way I feel empathy, understanding or compassion 

How I guard myself

The person that I am, quirks and all.

Because of my life experiences.

It’s not embarrassing. I wasn’t the person or people who stole parts of me. Who broke that baby girl, born open and whole on March 16th. 

I am the warrior who also happens to stand while broken. 

I felt a sense of pride when that clap of thunder sounded. 

I feel a sense of pride today.

Night,

Tracy

Q&A?

1) Do you still like living where you live?

Yes! It’s a lifesaver. I have my own little island at night with the creek flowing and the lights twinkling. Plus! Bunnies! Lots and lots of them and they aren’t afraid of humans or dogs. It’s good.

2) have you started on your documentary?

I’ve been working on my cards/timeline/content/order for editing.    Basically mapping out how to start, where the camera will be in all shots, when to zoom out or in etc... one set of cards, then what/who I want filmed and how. What questions to ask and leading the conversation. Then plan B&C in case things veer off into a couple of other scenarios. 

I’ve been filming that process as well. Voiceover work for camera only shots, of the process. 

I always wondered why docs take years....I’m beginning to get the answer!

3) I listened to your three part series on YouTube and noticed that your voice is a bit different, especially towards the end of videos. Is that permanent from you being sick?

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this one. Thanks for the backhanded comment? 

I have no idea. My lungs have not healed all the way yet. My asthma is worse than before. But, I hear that’s normal and could take awhile. It’s raspy AF sometimes though! Sexy!(?)

4) OK, here it is.... Have you spoken to your brother or mother in law?

My brother is a hard no. Not in something like...3.5 years? 

My mother in law has dementia and is in a facility. I haven’t spoken to her in about 15 months. 

5) I always listen to you and your friend Rob on your podcasts. You sound very close, are you?

Robb and I have a great friendship. We speak everyday for anywhere from 1-3 hours. I have no idea how we come up with so much to talk about!!! He’s really funny and always makes me feel better if I’m down. I feel comfortable telling him things that I never tell other “friends” and that’s nice to have around. 

Part two: Doesn’t it bother your husband to see how close you and Robb seem to be?

            Not at all. They have a friendship as well. Plus, he’s heard all my stories already :-)

6) do you get angry emails when you post about controversial topics?

Yup. That’s par for the course. I really don’t care. 

7) How are you doing since the passing of your father?

Not well. Because life is crazy for us all in this new normal, it’s been difficult to even grieve properly. It’s been nearly a year and I still forget. I still can’t bring myself to put his ashes in my locket. I even forget that his ashes are in my house. It just doesn’t seem real. It’s an unusual time in history and it’s coming fast and furious every day. I think my brain does what it does, compartmentalize and pretend it will go away.  So mature.

Ok... have to go. 

Tracy