Saturday morning...typed on my phone. Might be a struggle! Good luck.

 The antibiotics are killing me. 

I do not enjoy the strong antibiotics. The left side of my head and neck are feeling like my head is in a vice. Only the left side. Always the left side. I suppose the silver lining here is that it could be worse. It could include my right side. 

See! I’m an optimist!

My lower back feels like I’m being snapped in half, which always happens on this medication and I get some wicked twitching when I’m trying to sleep. Ah, it’s no wonder I’m so happy go lucky!

I have not written about having a new President so I’m going to, ok.

We spent Inauguration Day watching tv from 7am to about 11pm. That’s a lot of tv.

I watched trump and wife walk out of the White House and get on Marine One and then I held my breath for like three more hours. That’s hard to do.

I really did not realize the emotional/anxiety toll that trump’s presidency had caused in me. I haven’t woken up multiple times to check the news in nine days. 

I was living with anger and frustration every day since November of 2016. The day he was elected my view of the country I live in was drastically altered. I cried and cried. Not in a pouty way. Not in a sore loser way but because it was a devastating realization that this country could openly and proudly elect a man who we heard bragging about the times he’d sexually assaulted women by grabbing their pussy( but he’s against abortion) or made fun of people with disabilities ( but he’s against abortion!) or that he openly without any care in the world was caught paying porn actresses and hookers for sex, even while his wife was caring for a newborn child (but he’s against abortion!) and that we found out that his dna is being ordered in a case in which he’s accused of raping a 13 year old girl... The girl he told to get an abortion ( but he’s.... hold up, what?)

My heart sank that my daughters lived in a country, the same country that so many other generations of women have lived in in which it’s ok if a guy grabs your pussy( ya, I’m using that word. His word. Be offended somewhere else) or cheats on you with a fucking hooker, for real?? Men and women agreed upon that? Ah, locker room talk. Boys will be boys... God, no.

Yet, there it was. For the first time in my life, I felt afraid to live in the US. If that was a prevailing thought, then God help our daughters, I thought and I cried. I felt ashamed and dirty.

The next day I went to lunch with my YM and the place was packed with people but it was eerily silent. There were whispers and heads down. Even in Texas there was a palpable feeling of WTF did we just do. Maybe the realization that they hadn’t “really” thought he’d win.... He’ll be surrounded by smart people, surely they’ll steer him in the right direction, teach him the ropes. He’ll become presidential. Stop the bullying. Stop making fun of Gold Star Families. Right? Silence. It was weird.

I turned on Rachel Maddow , who I only listen to in small doses, usually. She just takes forever to get to the point and I fidget while waiting.... She, a lesbian woman, looked straight into the camera, into my face it felt like, and said “You are awake. This is America today” her eyes were swollen and red and reflected mine. Oh, God. I felt unsafe. 

His attitude of “ if you’re not with me, you’re against me” politics, worried me. He didn’t want to be MY president. I’m not in the group he panders to. I’m an enemy of the state. He retweeted the video of a (Colorado?) politician speaking at a rally and he yelled to his supporters “ The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat!” To cheers from the crowd.

I posted it on my Facebook page and wrote “ if you think it’s ok for our President to re-tweet this,  and feel this way, unfriend me now.”

Guess what? People did just that. People I know, thought I knew, unfriended me off  of Facebook. 

People whose homes I’d been in. Whose children I’d taught and loved. 

That is a cold reality. 

Today, and for the last nine days, I haven’t been afraid of what stupid thing was said or who was called a childish name or what woman was called nasty or which Putin nut was in trumps mouth that day. Which North Korean military he was saluting that day. Which protection he was removing that day. What Fox host he was mad at for not kissing the ring. All the bitching, complaining, hate, hate, hate, for so many people. All day long. Hate her, him, this company, that news show, this reporter, that athlete, those scientists.... Every.Day.

I need less anger. Less hate in my brain. Less raw nerves. Less lies (30,500!) that could be easily debunked with our very own eyes and ears but we were told not to believe our eyes and ears! Fake news... but I heard you say it.... Sarcasm! Fake news, but I saw you do it... No I didn’t! Lie! Fake news!

My God. I fell into a deep sleep at 11pm Wednesday night and didn’t check my phone even one time. It felt good.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Can we all just calm the fuck down? Can we agree that White Nationalists are NOT the face of this country? For fucks sake, man, that’s a pretty solid thing to work on together. 

Off my soapbox. I try not to spout very often anymore but every once in awhile I just blow a nut. 

Gotta go. Q&A next time.

Tracy

Ah, livin’ the dream....

 I’m getting a picc line today. My fourth in18(?) months. I know the drill now. Which arm I “like” best. We empty the vegetable drawer in the fridge to make room for the antibiotic balls. The drip feels cold going in. You’re supposed to set them out to warm up first but I prefer them cold. Maybe I’m strange, it’s possible.

Anyway, I’m in Home Hospital, so that I don’t have to be admitted to Covid Town. I’ll get a nurse. 

Was I a dick in a previous life? A lawyer or a debt collector? Did I kick puppies? Pinch kittens? I must have sucked. What’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning but apparently keep missing???? Patience? How to let go and let be or some hippy shit? 

I bought some socks that read ; I’m the ringmaster of this shit show.

Ah...... Maybe I’m seeing a trend....

Let go and let be, it is then....

Namaste, Bitches...

Tracy

You Were Always On My Mind...

 I’m listening to the Willie Nelson version of Always On My Mind. I added it to my playlist after randomly hearing it during a podcast I was listening to. My God, do you remember how good this song is? I haven’t heard this version in literal decades. It throws me to 1982, laying on the floor with my tape recorder next to a radio trying to get the whole song without the DJ talking! Ah, the good ol’ days.

Now it’s Don’t Stop Believing-Journey 

I had a seizure Wednesday morning. I fell asleep writing on my laptop and a couple hours later my husband woke me up to go to the hospital lab. I was fine. I stretched and yawned and then it felt like 50 TV sets were on in my head or 50 dreams at the same time. I could pick up bits and pieces of each one for a split second and behind that I was barely thinking; What’s happening?

That lasted for, I don’t know, actually, but it stopped suddenly, the noise aspect, but my head was turning from right to left and my left arm was up by my chest shaking and then that stopped and I was all....”Husband! I either just had a seizure or a stroke, look at me” and then I did the stroke test. Curl your tongue, close your eyes and touch your nose, squeeze your fists... Check. Check. Check.

Called my doctor and as it turns out, one of my medications can cause seizures. Naturally it’s a very low percentage of people who actually do have a seizure and I’m always in that tiny percentage. Remember, I’m a unicorn, not a horse.

BAD GUY- BILLIE EILISH

I hate my AirPod Pros. In case you were wondering. My ears!! Delicate little things! I can’t shove these buds into them!! No size fits. Tender little ears.

LIME TREE- BRIGHT EYES

I’ve seen the other photo next to the one with the sign. Enjoyable to peer inside the tiny crack with the sunshine peeking out. Take in a deep cleansing breathe and feel a smile cross my heart, warmed by the familiar face looking back at me. Hi. More please. 

Gonna go. 

Tracylynn

Tuesday Night

As I’m sure everyone has heard,  Texas had a snowy day!!! 

Eleven years ago on Christmas Eve we had a full on blizzard with several feet of snow and that was wonderful! This snow was fun too. Huge flakes. That calming silence of the stuffed clouds :-) 

I needed that. It soothes the soul.

Ironically, my kids had Christmas that day. My YM picked up their gifts and drove them to om’s house and we did a FaceTime. 

It was a good day.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday ( went per usual.) And one with my urologist on Monday. I need to hook up with a Uro-Gyn so I can have surgery as soon as possible. That ridiculous test I had done revealed what is wrong with me!! Let me just say that it caused my doc to admit that he fucked my previous surgery up. THAT will be a whole other issue to be addressed. I refused to see that crazy as hell  uro-gyn that ripped me for not understanding the concept of “ Business hours” when I called him on a weekday at 4:01 pm.... Uh...... ??

So, 2021 is off to an interesting start.

I’m reading the tenth book of my series and it’s the last one. I wish I hadn’t read them so fast. Do you ever read a book, get to the end, and feel sad to see your new friends go? I do. I actually love that part. It means that it was a good book.

I’m going to start A Tale of Two Cities again. I can’t get tired of it. I discover something new every time. I can not recommend it highly enough and it’s as relevant today as it was 300 years ago. Masterful.

I’m sleepy. 

Night, Luvs

Tracy

Sad Day.

 Let’s chat

Update #1: my entire family is now Covid free. 

Goodbye 2020. 

I didn’t write much about Christmas or New Years. Here ya go.

Christmas was..... weird. It didn’t feel special in any way. We did do the same as we’d done on thanksgiving and that was, ditch the scheduling. We ate Christmas dinner, the whole big meal, At 3 am. We slept when we wanted and I read ...... SEVEN BOOKS. That week. Bliss. On Christmas we just asked... wanna open gifts? Around 4 pm.

I got AirPod pros and can I just be an entitled white woman for a second? They fall out of my ears no matter what size I use and I’ve purchased many different bud things that are suppose to help and... Nope. Sales guy says... “Oh, your ears are really small. That’s probably it.”

Naturally. Apple does not make anything to help with this. I guess that duct tape is going to have to work.......

My favorite gift, which is shocking for warm blooded me, an electric blanket that’s as soft as a bunny’s tummy! Seriously. I need sheets made from this material and maybe pants. 

———————————————-

I started this yesterday and I can’t let today pass without comment:

What I witnessed in DC today is no less than what we’ve watched in Third World Countries led by a lunatic dictator.

Robb called in dismay. I like that I can hear how things here are perceived in Britain/The Uk. He had a house full of his neighbors and friends. He called to see if we were still safe in other states and express his condolences. He put me on speaker phone, as I’m known as THE AMERICAN therefore I’m the resident expert on AMERICANS.

I answered the questions as logically as possible but felt embarrassed by their reactions AND questions. 

“This looks like a movie. This isn’t the bright and shiny American” 

“Are there millions of people who will do this?”

“Do they read what the courts have said?”

“Does trump want this to happen?”

“Does trump believe what he’s saying?”

“Are you scared?”

“ How do you know if you’re neighbor believes this way? That would scare me”

For the record, I’m not scared. Bullies don’t scare me. Did you see the woman get shot and how they scattered like rats. A couple stayed behind to help.

Those kinds of people don’t scare me. They embarrass me. They bring shame upon our country. They are the 2021 version of the Klan. Hiding behind a crowd committing violent acts. Once they are alone they get their ass kicked by a Twistsd Tea. 

No, this is not how millions of people act but millions of people do believe what trump says. The devil is in the details. Republicans need to stand up against these acts. 

Good people can believe differently. 

We need to find our way back to that place.

We need the world to see us as a leader. A bright and shining star.

Start today.

Tracy