The antibiotics are killing me.
I do not enjoy the strong antibiotics. The left side of my head and neck are feeling like my head is in a vice. Only the left side. Always the left side. I suppose the silver lining here is that it could be worse. It could include my right side.
See! I’m an optimist!
My lower back feels like I’m being snapped in half, which always happens on this medication and I get some wicked twitching when I’m trying to sleep. Ah, it’s no wonder I’m so happy go lucky!
I have not written about having a new President so I’m going to, ok.
We spent Inauguration Day watching tv from 7am to about 11pm. That’s a lot of tv.
I watched trump and wife walk out of the White House and get on Marine One and then I held my breath for like three more hours. That’s hard to do.
I really did not realize the emotional/anxiety toll that trump’s presidency had caused in me. I haven’t woken up multiple times to check the news in nine days.
I was living with anger and frustration every day since November of 2016. The day he was elected my view of the country I live in was drastically altered. I cried and cried. Not in a pouty way. Not in a sore loser way but because it was a devastating realization that this country could openly and proudly elect a man who we heard bragging about the times he’d sexually assaulted women by grabbing their pussy( but he’s against abortion) or made fun of people with disabilities ( but he’s against abortion!) or that he openly without any care in the world was caught paying porn actresses and hookers for sex, even while his wife was caring for a newborn child (but he’s against abortion!) and that we found out that his dna is being ordered in a case in which he’s accused of raping a 13 year old girl... The girl he told to get an abortion ( but he’s.... hold up, what?)
My heart sank that my daughters lived in a country, the same country that so many other generations of women have lived in in which it’s ok if a guy grabs your pussy( ya, I’m using that word. His word. Be offended somewhere else) or cheats on you with a fucking hooker, for real?? Men and women agreed upon that? Ah, locker room talk. Boys will be boys... God, no.
Yet, there it was. For the first time in my life, I felt afraid to live in the US. If that was a prevailing thought, then God help our daughters, I thought and I cried. I felt ashamed and dirty.
The next day I went to lunch with my YM and the place was packed with people but it was eerily silent. There were whispers and heads down. Even in Texas there was a palpable feeling of WTF did we just do. Maybe the realization that they hadn’t “really” thought he’d win.... He’ll be surrounded by smart people, surely they’ll steer him in the right direction, teach him the ropes. He’ll become presidential. Stop the bullying. Stop making fun of Gold Star Families. Right? Silence. It was weird.
I turned on Rachel Maddow , who I only listen to in small doses, usually. She just takes forever to get to the point and I fidget while waiting.... She, a lesbian woman, looked straight into the camera, into my face it felt like, and said “You are awake. This is America today” her eyes were swollen and red and reflected mine. Oh, God. I felt unsafe.
His attitude of “ if you’re not with me, you’re against me” politics, worried me. He didn’t want to be MY president. I’m not in the group he panders to. I’m an enemy of the state. He retweeted the video of a (Colorado?) politician speaking at a rally and he yelled to his supporters “ The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat!” To cheers from the crowd.
I posted it on my Facebook page and wrote “ if you think it’s ok for our President to re-tweet this, and feel this way, unfriend me now.”
Guess what? People did just that. People I know, thought I knew, unfriended me off of Facebook.
People whose homes I’d been in. Whose children I’d taught and loved.
That is a cold reality.
Today, and for the last nine days, I haven’t been afraid of what stupid thing was said or who was called a childish name or what woman was called nasty or which Putin nut was in trumps mouth that day. Which North Korean military he was saluting that day. Which protection he was removing that day. What Fox host he was mad at for not kissing the ring. All the bitching, complaining, hate, hate, hate, for so many people. All day long. Hate her, him, this company, that news show, this reporter, that athlete, those scientists.... Every.Day.
I need less anger. Less hate in my brain. Less raw nerves. Less lies (30,500!) that could be easily debunked with our very own eyes and ears but we were told not to believe our eyes and ears! Fake news... but I heard you say it.... Sarcasm! Fake news, but I saw you do it... No I didn’t! Lie! Fake news!
My God. I fell into a deep sleep at 11pm Wednesday night and didn’t check my phone even one time. It felt good.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Can we all just calm the fuck down? Can we agree that White Nationalists are NOT the face of this country? For fucks sake, man, that’s a pretty solid thing to work on together.
Off my soapbox. I try not to spout very often anymore but every once in awhile I just blow a nut.
Gotta go. Q&A next time.
Tracy
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