Tuesday

 This Friday I will be getting my second moderna vaccine. The OM and her husband will get their second dose on Wednesday. I’m going to hurry over to see my Linky to give him all the sugars and kiss all the toes before I start feeling like poop. I may not become sick and that is a bonus, but, let’s be realistic, if a side effect was growing butterfly wings, I’d grow wings! It will be fine, I’m sure!! Plus by thanksgiving, we might be able to be together! What a wild ride, right?

Something that I haven’t been able to talk about on here is the fact that we’ve found out that my youngest son will never be able to play volleyball again. He’s been in PT for a year ( FaceTime), been wearing the custom made shoes, but his tendons in his knees and right ankle are still too “fragile”

There is a surgery option, he has nine offers for University and a place held in Colorado with the US Olympic Training Center, but there’s no promises with that option that it will even work, the percentage is under 50%, so it’s not viable.... add on that that will take another year for therapy and he’d miss the next olympics AND chances for playing abroad. 

He’s taking it hard, of course, and, if I’m honest, I’m just devastated for him. He worked so hard, since he was six years old and even at six he was telling people that he was going to earn a “coupon” ( scholarship) for University. Unfortunately, all that time of slamming his knees on concrete flooring and his ankle being landed on under the net, did too much damage. 

Enough for today,

Tracy

Talking in My Sleep

 A couple of months ago I was prescribed a sleeping medication. My doctor figured that I’d need the strongest dose so we just jumped to that. This medication is well know for people who are using it to perform actions in their sleep like, driving, cooking, binge eating, online shopping etc...

I took it twice. First, it never made me sleepy. I have a brain like a steel trap! Second, I started talking every dream out loud and acting them out, while lying down, and.... sleeping on my back with my arms straight out in front of me in the air. I taught a cooking class. I “drove” a car, I played the piano and I called out for my dad, as loud as I could, BOTH  nights.

I decided that it certainly wasn’t helping me to even get restful sleep and ditched them.

My brain? Not so much. I’m still doing these things. It’s like the medication broke part of what paralyzes you in your sleep.

The weirdest thing... ok, a couple of weird things....

1) If you’d have asked me if I ever dream of my mom I would have said ; No. 

surprise!!! I do! AND, it’s very often. I have entire conversations with her in my sleep. Sometimes they aren’t all that nice.

2) my mom and my dad come to me as I knew them in 1974. Dressed like our pictures from The World’s Fair/Expo, in my hometown. I think it’s because it’s the only timeline in which I have only good and positive memories. My dad worked at the fair and we went all the time. It’s really nice. And, I wake up with my arms straight out like a zombie..?

3) I call out for my dad almost every night. 

4) Last night I yelled... Hold onto your hat....”Mommy, please help me!”

Wtf!!!! Scared the shit out of both my husband and son!!! 

Sleep good!

Tracy

March 22

 March 22nd is the anniversary of my dad’s death.

These are the last of the hours in which I can say;”I had a dad last year” and then I won’t have had a dad last year which makes it feel so final. I know, what a dumb thing to say,  that a death doesn’t feel final for a year. Ridiculous. But somehow, in my heart, that’s how logic works.

If you had told me when I was 15 years old and wishing that my dad would be struck by lightning, that now I’d be feeling devastated, I would have laughed.

I’m just so very sad.

Tracy

It might seem political but it’s really not..

 I know I said there would be a blog about my road trip thoughts, and I will post that, but for now ya get this....

I am in the dark waters. Trying to stay afloat. I’m still not home, until Monday, so it’s kind of perfect. I’m all alone for most of the day and I need that. I can’t cater to anyone or anything. I can’t be held to a standard. I do want to sleep and sleep. The dreams carry me away from the cold black water surrounding my head, over my ears. Still and cold. 

It started on March 1st. I’ve been dreading the year anniversary of the death. I saw a news clip from a year ago on the 10? A pandemic had been declared and yet even as he knew how bad it was. Even though the tapes came out of him talking about how bad it was, how contagious, how deadly. His face was on TV, his mouth moving with the words about how it would be great, beautiful. He was talking to this and that country and agency, very few deaths....

Lying.

Washington was raging. Jared on tape saying that they should let “Blue States” struggle. Let the Blue governors be blamed. Washington, California, New York..... And so he did. He delayed help. He railed against Blue States. Why should he help? He asked. That’s exactly what is stated that Jared had whispered into his ear. What if Jared, the advisor, had been tender hearted and given compassionate advice. 

My dad had just 11 days to live after #45 was on tv playing it down. Tick Tock.

Yes, that early into the pandemic my dad probably would have died anyway. We knew so little. That’s not my point. My point is ignoring science because it was scary news during an election year. I mean, we get how ruthless politics are, right. He was right to be worried, unfortunately. He’s recorded saying that he just wanted to give good news. Why do you think that might be, besides politics?

 Because he badly needs to be loved. It’s sad, actually, if you think about him on that basic level. Love. He wasn’t the favorite child. His father didn’t like him. Fathers can really fuck you up. I do wish that he’d been cuddled and loved and then eventually as he got older, loved for who he was, not who he pretended to be or things he had. That must be hard. Fathers man, they can do some serious damage to our souls. I don’t hate him. I feel compassion for him. I think maybe, when he’s laying in bed alone at night, just maybe he feels like that boy who only wanted love and wishes that he could be better. I would really take the time to know THAT late night guy. 

In the meantime, I float and fall into dreams that take me away and into the warm light. Struggling.

Tracy

Road trip!!

 This has been a strange few days. All the plans have been uprooted. I’m not in The Dallas Metro Area anymore. I’m on a business road trip with my husband. 

I have written orders from my doc to give to a hospital if I need too but so far so good. 

And! I got my first Covid vaccine last Friday. Other than being sore and sleepy that went well. Plus I got to love on my baby Lincoln. Or, as Texans would say “Give sugars” and he so much cuddled me!!! The only way I’ve seen him is through FaceTime every day since he came over on Halloween!! Four months!! And he recognized me,  put his arms out and put his forehead to mine. ( that’s how I cuddled with the kids and OM cuddles with him) and my goddamned heart exploded into glitter!

I have a blog coming that I thought about on our drive here. Therapy drives. But in a good way. Stay tuned!!

Loves,

Me

My hospital stay is on hold...

 Why. You ask?

I got the call Wednesday telling me that because I’m high risk, I have an appointment Friday for the Covid vaccine. Moderna. I wanted the J&J but no one asked me. 

I use the word “wanted” in the loosest version possible. I haven’t decided what to do yet. 85% of healthcare workers here are refusing it. Is that because “Texas” or do they know something we should know? I’ll be honest. I’m scared. My family is happy for me but I also know that just a week ago they weren’t willing to take it yet... Rushed... No proof of long term affects... hasn’t been tested on immunocomprimised.... 

you know that I’m one of the people that’s going to feel like I’m dying. I know that too. That scares me too. 

Didn’t I just say that I had to make it to my 53rd birthday!? Wtf!! 

Then in a totally completely different and much more calming subject, I’ve been having the loveliest dreams. Dreams where it’s me chosen and I have control over those dreams, lucid dreaming, and I ask for hugs and snuggles a lot. I see the smile rather than a confused cringe and it’s warm and safe. No anxiety. Just calm. It’s been very sweet.

It’s March. I always love March. I’m strong. I’ll make it through March. Maybe have a memorial for my dad. I feel him with me. I’ve been keeping up with his Bulldogs :-) He would be walking on air right now. One our last conversations was about the Team. The playoffs were canceled and he calmly said “Ah, we’ll take it next year”

They have an angel watching over them.

Night luvs,

Me