It might seem political but it’s really not..

 I know I said there would be a blog about my road trip thoughts, and I will post that, but for now ya get this....

I am in the dark waters. Trying to stay afloat. I’m still not home, until Monday, so it’s kind of perfect. I’m all alone for most of the day and I need that. I can’t cater to anyone or anything. I can’t be held to a standard. I do want to sleep and sleep. The dreams carry me away from the cold black water surrounding my head, over my ears. Still and cold. 

It started on March 1st. I’ve been dreading the year anniversary of the death. I saw a news clip from a year ago on the 10? A pandemic had been declared and yet even as he knew how bad it was. Even though the tapes came out of him talking about how bad it was, how contagious, how deadly. His face was on TV, his mouth moving with the words about how it would be great, beautiful. He was talking to this and that country and agency, very few deaths....

Lying.

Washington was raging. Jared on tape saying that they should let “Blue States” struggle. Let the Blue governors be blamed. Washington, California, New York..... And so he did. He delayed help. He railed against Blue States. Why should he help? He asked. That’s exactly what is stated that Jared had whispered into his ear. What if Jared, the advisor, had been tender hearted and given compassionate advice. 

My dad had just 11 days to live after #45 was on tv playing it down. Tick Tock.

Yes, that early into the pandemic my dad probably would have died anyway. We knew so little. That’s not my point. My point is ignoring science because it was scary news during an election year. I mean, we get how ruthless politics are, right. He was right to be worried, unfortunately. He’s recorded saying that he just wanted to give good news. Why do you think that might be, besides politics?

 Because he badly needs to be loved. It’s sad, actually, if you think about him on that basic level. Love. He wasn’t the favorite child. His father didn’t like him. Fathers can really fuck you up. I do wish that he’d been cuddled and loved and then eventually as he got older, loved for who he was, not who he pretended to be or things he had. That must be hard. Fathers man, they can do some serious damage to our souls. I don’t hate him. I feel compassion for him. I think maybe, when he’s laying in bed alone at night, just maybe he feels like that boy who only wanted love and wishes that he could be better. I would really take the time to know THAT late night guy. 

In the meantime, I float and fall into dreams that take me away and into the warm light. Struggling.

Tracy