Expectations

 Do you ever take those personality tests? My therapist actually gave me one and it had the same results as those cheesy internet ones, but she asked about things like how I sit if I’m relaxed or how I sleep etc.

They always always come back as me being empathetic and a loyal, very loyal friend and that I expect and demand that same loyalty in return. That if I do walk away from you, if you let me down in the loyalty department that there will likely never be forgiveness and that I’ll be furious.

This is spot on with me and has gotten me to the point where I’d rather just have acquaintances than friends. I broke up with the mom of the youngest son’s best friend since they were six. She’s the type of person who thrives on being angry ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting and when she decided to turn it on me because I wear masks and therefore that’s all you ever need to know about me, the Godless heathen who obviously thinks that god can’t protect against a government lie IE Covid... yada yada yada... I might have imploded a bit before... BLOCKING her! Yes, I did! The HIGHEST form of diss possible on Facebook. 

Ok, so, I’ll have very few friends in life. That’s something that I can not only deal with but prefer. I don’t care for extra obligations ( am I the biggest bitch ever or a true introvert??) however, this is a distinctly difficult trait to, “be”, essentially, because it doesn’t discriminate friends from.... Family.

I preached the value of close family ties, never leave a family member behind, your family always has your six, we are our own force of nature, the storm, the team, the motorcycle club without the motorcycle, but I’ll work on getting our cuts, ALWAYS BE LOYAL. PERIOD.

That was the basis of my child rearing and it started with the number one son. ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK. 

I’m not a psychiatrist, but come on, let’s be honest, I took two semesters of Psych so...... I think that’s all it really takes, don’t you? Anyway, but! I can nail down where that quirk came in a heartbeat!! I didn’t have that as a child. I didn’t have any person who I felt had my back no matter what. I didn’t have even one person that I could trust telling my secrets too. No one. 

So, I wanted to raise those people. Make them myself if I had to. The funny thing about people is that deep down, they’re all just people and you can’t MAKE THEM into anything.

I’m struggling with who I am on a basic level, BE LOYAL. Your enemies are my enemies. Your fights are my fights. Fuck with you, then you fucked with me!

And the reality that my son sits back and does nothing about his wife when she goes off the rails and channels it at me. 

My instinct is to slam his fingers in the door as I yell, fuck you, and walk away. But I know that if I do that I’ll never feel the same again. My basic who I am turns off a switch and stops caring. I’m wrestling with my own self. Six plus weeks of him not speaking to me because his wife lost it over baby cereal for some reason and I’ve hit my wall of tolerance. 

It’s difficult. 

Me

Q&A

 1)ANY TV RECOMMENDATIONS?

    I almost never watch regular tv anymore. I watch the news on the rare occasion. However, I am addicted to British Crime Dramas. They are 100% better than any USA version. And as always, I scour the internet tubes for documentaries. There’s a really interesting one on Hulu called “Most dangerous animal of them all” long story short, a man who was adopted comes to believe that his bio father was the Zodiac Killer. It’s a crazy ride. A serious but can’t help but be cheesy doc on Hulu is brand new and it’s called Sasquatch. What interests me is that it’s connected to a Netflix doc called Murder Mountain which is the story of parents whose son went missing in the Northern California mountains and delves into this crazy rollercoaster of the people that live there and actually produce 80% of the country’s Cannabis. It’s so dangerous that the police won’t even go to investigate murders which suits the population just fine. They don’t need cops... if you get my drift. I could spend all day telling you about docs that range from The Met Ball to Octopus to True Crime and everything in between. I am the partner you want when you play Trivial Pursuit!!

2) this comes up a lot DO YOU STILL LOVE WHERE YOU LIVE?

Yes, and here’s a big reason why. I got rid of all the knick knacks and “art” and decor that’s supposed to decorate a grown up’s home but it has no meaning to me. No connection at all and no feelings of happiness. Living in a loft allows me to be way more creative and use what makes me happy and has some kind of attachment for me. My own art is prominent throughout the loft and a quirky clock that I looked at for a year before I finally bought it figuring that if I still loved it then it was a good fit. I concentrate on fun art and it makes me feel calm. The weird shape of the place and ten foot ceilings allows for a lot of wall space. Bonus, the “Island” is magical with lights and people and feels like a movie set. I feel hugged by my surroundings. That def helps with the dark water.

3) DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF AN ARTIST?

  I love this question. The answer is...... What determines if you’re an artist? I’ve been paid for and have had articles published. Am I a writer? My art hangs in several buildings and offices of a University with its own art museum ( the first was my OM’s and then requests came in) Am I an artist? I feel like it’s pretentious to declare oneself an artist or writer or whatever. I write. I create art. 

4) HOW DID YOU AND ROBB MEET? I LOVE LISTENING TO YOU BOTH.

 Well, thank you 😊 We met through my spoopy channel. I’ve made a little community over there and I truly do appreciate that. Anyway, 4-5 years ago he asked if he could submit something to my channel. I welcomed that just as I do for anyone who asks. Anyway, we started sending messages back and forth through messenger and eventually the messages were too long to type so we’d send voice messages and then eventually we started calling because at least one of us is a Chatty Cathy :-) The whole thing was a fluke really, I just do not talk to people like that but, here we are, I’m literally the executor of his will. His girls call me Aunty Tracy and I tell him damn near everything. My entire family knows him and are grateful that he listens to my heart when I’m floating in dark water. Obviously he doesn’t replace my husband! But I’m glad that we stumbled upon each other. We are so fucking similar that it’s weird.

5) DO YOU FEEL OK TALKING ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION ON YOUR BLOG?

It makes me nervous every single time. There’s a stigma that can come with admitting that you struggle with depression and anxiety. I worry about the judgement every time I mention it. I still mention it though so that other people can talk about it if they see more and more people being open about it.

Have to go. Luvs

Tracy

Just hanging’

 For people who have been here for over ten years and I know that there are several ( hi! And thanks) you might know/remember that my daughter-in-law is...... Well, let me give an example that really sums it up in a couple of sentences.

As you know, I am a huge fan of pregnancy. Being pregnant, pregnant bodies, just the amazing awesome thing that it is. I feel so blessed to have carried four babies to term and to have been able to experience it. That was NEVER something that I took for granted.

Knowing that...... When my daughter in law and my son became pregnant after trying for 7 years I was pretty excited!!! ( My om had said that she would NEVER) have children and she said it enough that we knew that she would likely never be pregnant. SURPRISE! She has three children!) anyway, at one point my DIL was sick and I told her that she was a super hero. Carrying humans to birth is an ass kicking super power!! 

She became furious because...(wait for it)

SHE’S A SUPER HERO EVERY DAY.

You’re shaking your head thinking, “No, nobody would say that. Nobody would be that big of a prick. It’s not possible.”

Rest assured, I got a call from my son correcting me. She’s a super hero every day.

No, it wasn’t hormones. This is her.

She refused to let me put an obit in the paper with my dad holding my grandson because..... He had an oxygen tube and it wasn’t......FLATTERING.

She’s the person who tried to shut down my channel and because of her excuse, “me posting images of a minor child that I had no relation to,” I was investigated as a chi-ld po-rn channel.

Six weeks ago in our family group chat I posted a video for my om. Figured it couldn’t hurt for my YM to see it as well. There was baby cereal and a magnet pulled out shards of iron from it. My OM said ‘ holy shit! Glad we’re going straight to table food’

The DIL? Well, she festered for four weeks and then posted something that basically called me stupid, she said that I was “mom shaming” her. 

I was completely lost. How does she have anything at all to do with baby cereal? Her son is 2yrs old, Linky was 9 months. DIL didn’t feed her son cereal!!!!!!!!

Guess what? My son refuses to speak to me now. 

I can’t make this shit up.

It’s hard.

Tracy

I win!

 Ok, hi, by the way, anyway! I have the best luck when it comes to accidentally getting such great deals that it feels like stealing!!

Example: Had an inside deal on a Disneyland package, staying at the Grand Californian, early passes, breakfast with characters etc...  through the sister of a friend of mine, she’s affiliated with Disney. The deal was priced stunningly low. I read it wrong and thought that is was for three nights, four days. The reservations were made for that amount of time.

We met my friend there and on the second morning she was packing to go home and I was all... why? “ Because that’s the package” 

Uh...Holy shit! Suddenly I was hit with the idea that I was gonna be on the hook for an extra $2000 since we had all these character meetups and early access and the most expensive hotel, in a suite! 

So I start sweating, call the front desk and ask them about it and they had entered it into the computer just like I’d said, hotel said ; “You’re good. This package is this much money and you’re fine” 

I called my friend and told her, she tried to come back and they said... Nope. 

2) bought a wedding ring for $10,000. Went back to get two diamond bands for either side and were told that our sales person was let go. She priced my ring incorrectly and the company had to eat.....$20,000! I insured my ring that day. 

3) Not nearly as impressive but warms my heart none the less.... I love Multnomah Falls. In fact, some of my ashes will be spread there. It is a deeply happy place for me. So, I went looking for some art depicting the falls and found a painting that I LOVE!!! Now, it was strange because the painting was identical to others on the site, in that it was framed in a gorgeous frame and covered in glass, but the price was WAAAAY off from the others. MUCH less $$ so, I checked and double checked and it wasn’t a miniature version or anything, same size, 24x18, yes, framed, yes, glass, yes signed... not a print....

So I bought it. It came with a “lovely” note in which the artist tells me that due to his mistake I’d just purchased a piece of art for less than the cost of his supplies. Oops!! 

And it’s hanging in my home as of today and I really do love it 😍 

So is his letter!!! 😂

I’ve made the trailer for crowd funding my Doc. It needs editing but it’s moving along!

I started a podcast!!!!! I might as well put all these thoughts that go through this quirky brain to work!! I’ve done two shows now and I love it. Robb is doing it with me and since we chat every day anyway it’s super easy and laid back. Go me!

Speaking of go me... Night my Luvs

Tracy

Jesus H On A Cracker

 I still have sore muscles and a fever of 103-104. Wtf?!

I had an allergic reaction to the second shot. Hives, itching, my face swollen for two days, that started 7hrs after the vax so, I’m not clear on if I can take it again or if I’ll have to take the J&J. 

I’m a Zebra, not a horse.

In fact, I’m a unicorn!

I woke up in the middle of talking in my sleep. I started to come around during the first word and was fully awake just as I was saying the last. This is what I said:

And THAT’S how it works!

My arms were doing a magician’s assistant type move and I had no memory of the dream. Zero recollection. You know what this means don’t you? I may never know how “IT” works.... Bummer.

I’ve never been able to fly in my dreams. That’s a whole big issue according to those that translate dreams, however, in the last month or so, I can fly!! It’s pretty great. My brain is working overtime at night!

Speaking of dreams, this vaccine has given me the most vivid, coolest dreams!! Lots of people I miss in them and crazy colors and peace. Free to feel loved and to love and there’s no dark water, great soundtracks too!! So many people from my life coming to visit. Nice.

As of Thursday, every member of my immediate family will have at least their first dose of the Covid vax. That’s crazy. Life has really changed since 2020. Did you ever say, Moderna, before this past six months? I doubt it and now I say it every other day! We are adapting. I really miss being able to swim and ride a stationary bike. I can’t wait.

Goodnight cattails,

Tracy

Monday 10:30pm

 Temp 103.4 ( I never get temperatures and my normal temp is 97.5)

Muscle aches

Cramping

Headache 

Sleepy

Steadily talking in my sleep ( probably from fever)

Skin hurts

Difficulty putting two thoughts together.

Keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be a “good” thing. My immune system is working. Yay...

My heart is broken to see Gonzaga lose. Sorry, Dad.

Oh, and crying all the time. Just crying hot tears. No real reason. 

Me 

Update

 The vaccine is kicking my ass.

I can barely move, it feels like someone took a bag of rocks to me.

Be back soon,

Tracy