Expectations

 Do you ever take those personality tests? My therapist actually gave me one and it had the same results as those cheesy internet ones, but she asked about things like how I sit if I’m relaxed or how I sleep etc.

They always always come back as me being empathetic and a loyal, very loyal friend and that I expect and demand that same loyalty in return. That if I do walk away from you, if you let me down in the loyalty department that there will likely never be forgiveness and that I’ll be furious.

This is spot on with me and has gotten me to the point where I’d rather just have acquaintances than friends. I broke up with the mom of the youngest son’s best friend since they were six. She’s the type of person who thrives on being angry ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting and when she decided to turn it on me because I wear masks and therefore that’s all you ever need to know about me, the Godless heathen who obviously thinks that god can’t protect against a government lie IE Covid... yada yada yada... I might have imploded a bit before... BLOCKING her! Yes, I did! The HIGHEST form of diss possible on Facebook. 

Ok, so, I’ll have very few friends in life. That’s something that I can not only deal with but prefer. I don’t care for extra obligations ( am I the biggest bitch ever or a true introvert??) however, this is a distinctly difficult trait to, “be”, essentially, because it doesn’t discriminate friends from.... Family.

I preached the value of close family ties, never leave a family member behind, your family always has your six, we are our own force of nature, the storm, the team, the motorcycle club without the motorcycle, but I’ll work on getting our cuts, ALWAYS BE LOYAL. PERIOD.

That was the basis of my child rearing and it started with the number one son. ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK. 

I’m not a psychiatrist, but come on, let’s be honest, I took two semesters of Psych so...... I think that’s all it really takes, don’t you? Anyway, but! I can nail down where that quirk came in a heartbeat!! I didn’t have that as a child. I didn’t have any person who I felt had my back no matter what. I didn’t have even one person that I could trust telling my secrets too. No one. 

So, I wanted to raise those people. Make them myself if I had to. The funny thing about people is that deep down, they’re all just people and you can’t MAKE THEM into anything.

I’m struggling with who I am on a basic level, BE LOYAL. Your enemies are my enemies. Your fights are my fights. Fuck with you, then you fucked with me!

And the reality that my son sits back and does nothing about his wife when she goes off the rails and channels it at me. 

My instinct is to slam his fingers in the door as I yell, fuck you, and walk away. But I know that if I do that I’ll never feel the same again. My basic who I am turns off a switch and stops caring. I’m wrestling with my own self. Six plus weeks of him not speaking to me because his wife lost it over baby cereal for some reason and I’ve hit my wall of tolerance. 

It’s difficult. 

Me