Here’s the thing….

Remember when I was SOOOOOO fucking sick, like two posts ago? Ya. Put that on repeat and I’m literally sitting in my bathtub trying to stop the body aches, Lord, the body aches! I can not eat. I can not even think about food or… gag.  The headaches. And to make me feel even worse, my fucking foot warming electric blanket almost caught on fire…. With my feet on it!!! Suddenly a very strong smell of an electrical fire began emitting from the bottom of my bed. Thankfully I was awake because I had to pee! ( TMI!) put.me.down 

I had a doctors appointment Wednesday to discuss a surgery that I’m going to be having and I felt, off, but because these appointments now ALWAYS involve at least a pelvic exam but nearly always, some much more invasive exam with several people involved, I’ve begun to get physically ill before appointments and often times, during the appointment. I can’t help it. File that under extreme anxiety. I was ok-ish and we left, decided to grab a late lunch at a new restaurant we’ve found that, as a side note, has, hands down, the best bbq chicken I’ve ever had ( sounds horrible right now! Gag) anyway, sat down, ordered and boom, migraine, nausea, my upper back feeling like it’s in a vice to the point where my own head feels like a 75lb boulder that my neck can’t support. I told the husband to give me the truck keys, please get the food to go, I’m going outside in the scorching hot ninth layer of hell because something bad is trying to kill me from the inside and like an animal, I’m crawling off to die alone.

He took that to mean, oh, so I have time to finish my salad and ask what kind of pie they have?

Seriously.

He got me coconut cream, which apparently comes highly recommended by the chef, so that’s nice, a little chat with the chef and all…. 

I have not eaten it. As I write this I’m imagining lemons and flowers so that I can type…. The thought of the texture of that makes me…. Gag.

So that’s me in a nutshell. 

I have some other stuff but I’ve got to give up on the bath and try cuddling a heating pad. I have a new foot blanket coming today, thank God! Just one fucking comfort, that’s all I’m asking for…

Me

Dream A Little Dream..

 I had a dream last night.

Me and this man wearing Maui’s

We were attending a wedding at a home on a lake that looked like a castle. 

It was twilight when we arrived

Fairy light and candles illuminated the back yard.

Cellist playing in the home but the doors were pulled open so that the music can be heard gently outside.

I was wearing a full length gown, light grey and shimmering in the candle light, open back, plunging neckline, hair up, a pearl barrette above my temple.

Him, tuxedo, smells like freshly cut grass, holding my hand and leading me into the home

He reached for two glasses of champagne at the bar but instead, turns to me, runs a finger down my throat then neck

Turns, grabs two empty glasses and two bottles of wine and leads me back out and down towards the grass next to the lake…

It was a nice dream.

Me

Because, Me….

 I’ve been sooo, soOOO fucking sick since last Friday. How sick? 

1) this is a list of what I’ve eaten in a week:

     2 servings of cream of wheat for about 15 minutes. Oops.

      1/2 egg and 1/2 piece of toast

      1/2 grill cheese 

       1/2 cup tomato soup

       1 yogurt

IN A WEEK!!!!! And that was gently forced on me, along with sips of water. My stomach cramped like labor and I do not enjoy labor.

2) I slept so long that I missed two days completely. Lost. I had no idea that yesterday was Thursday.

What is wrong? You may ask….. Well, at first we thought that I was having a wicked reaction to a new medication that I, coincidentally, started last Friday, but then my lymph nodes grew so enormous that I looked like a chipmunk, an adorable drowsy, little chipmunk, my husband decided that it was doctor time. Thank Jesus for the Teledoc, who took one look at me and said, “ Awww, that looks painful” I wanted to crumple up and have him adopt me. He told me to get tested for the Delta Variant even though I’m vaxxed. I didn’t. I could breathe. I’m fact, it was just everything around my lungs knocking off for the week. 

The good news? My depression seems to have used the time to turn a corner!! Yes!! Even my brain was like, Dude, let this bish catch a break. 

So, long story short, we still have no idea what it is but I’m gonna live and my brain isn’t bummed about it. 

Lovely photo at the lake. Dreamy. 

Gotta run.

Me

Nope. No title. I’m brain dead.

 First, and most importantly, I’m an addict. I’ve picked up a new addiction and it’s stronger than documentaries. Iced Coffee. You do not want to know how many I drink per day… ok, about four.. Decaf though. Only Decaf. Plus decaf iced tea. I’m addicted to iced tea as well. Not the tea so much as the crushed ice. 

The more you know.

We don’t go on vacation for five months, yet, my husband and son are literally going through their dive equipment every day since we booked. Plus they are reading dive books, ya, like with paper and shit, about where they will be diving, the kinds of water life and for my son, the chances of getting stung by jelly fish, which happened to my husband on a dive in Jamaica and because he never stopped talking about how he was “ fucking paralyzed “ my son, for some reason, doesn’t want to experience that. 

It’s pretty cute, actually. They dive around here but it’s not the same. Water here is shit. Very few clear lakes that allow diving so it’s not as exciting as clear ocean water.

You’ll find me and YM on a beach, in a cabana, with alcohol.

Also!!! We have seriously been looking into moving to New Zealand. If we are going to do it, it has to be in the next 2.5 years, that’s the law. We really really want that adventure so the husband has been in contact with construction companies. They are willing to do soooo much to get his skill set there that it makes it hard to say no…. But, grandkids. What would that look like? It’s important to weigh everything. I do really want to go. We have some friends that we met at a National Volleyball Tournament that live there ( their team travelled here. ) we have kept in contact with them and they keep sending us pics of places to live! Sky rises! Beaches! Mountains! Valleys, in the city, in the country… so fun.

And, I spoke to my grand babies last weekend. My linky said Gi-Gi and he can also sign grandma. My heart. My Amelia told me secretly that the dog chewed her hula skirt and now she doesn’t have one. Gi-Gi bought her one as soon as we got off the phone. 

Have to go.

Me

I don’t have a title….

 I sat here for three minutes trying to decide on a title and how to start the post. After that long I decided that this should just not be some mind bending task. Skip the title. Just type whatever comes first. Aren’t you glad that I did? So satisfying. Intellectually brilliant. Heart felt with emotions ranging from exhilarating to the painfully truthful. Can’t wait for the sequel.

Spent the day people watching. Picnic on the green next to the creek. Baby ducks following their mamas and curious baby bunnies bouncing along the boulders. We can feed the animals but only veggies, bird seed and pieces of nuts. The island is entirely no smoking, which is great. People shopping weekend sales and eating meals. Families from all over the world live here. Africa, Germany, France, Britain, UAE, Canada etc…. Makes for some great people watching. The British pub full of people watching “ football” (England won). Feels like life is getting back to a different kind of normal. Nearly everyone still wearing masks when they visit the island. I really never thought that I’d continue mask wearing but since the cold was nearly non existent while masking, the flu nearly knocked out. I feel like, shit! I don’t want those either! People coordinating masks with clothing makes me laugh. Embrace that shit! I do that too! What a difference a year makes. 

Things I want to see stay: 

1) clean your hands! Use those sanitizer stations. I love that! 

2) contactless delivery. Hey, I’m an introvert, I didn’t want to see people in the first place. Outside my door with a pic and text message. Loving it!!!

3) alcoholic drinks to go!! Yes!! I love getting the fruit and mint leaf sangria from the Mexican restaurant on the Island!! First, damn! ONE kicks my butt! And it’s still done all fancy like even though it’s to go. I’m feeling fancy painting my paintings!

4) doctors by phone. OMG. If you only knew the number of appointments that I cancel because GOING to the doctor amps up my anxiety by 100%. If I GO to my kind of docs… pelvic exam. Period. Can’t do that over the phone, Honey!

5) Social distancing!! Again, I enjoy my space. 

6) Every place has takeout! I enjoy this too!

I’ve just noticed that most of these stem from me being shy. They really cater to that and I’m not gonna lie. Us shy people, we introverts, we were made for a pandemic and we are taking over! 

Had a three hour, uh….. Conversation…. With the OM Friday afternoon and it went less than spectacularly. In fact, it was awful. 

Have to run!

Tracy

ART

 I see you, on the beach with your Maui Jims on.

I never stray from the Ray’s because of those eyes gifting me a pair.

Blue and black they were.

For my 21st Birthday in the hotel with the window facing the freeway.

Chips and salsa on the menu no worries about who could see in or even what they saw. 

Electricity through the finger tips. Hot showers until the water turned cold but no one noticed because the touch blocked out everything else.

My heart beating out of my chest and oh my God.

It was ART.

The ONLY ONE.

Thank you for showing.

Tracylynn