THE ONE WHERE IM PROUD OF MYSELF….

 This past year has been one in which I have grown soooo much emotionally and personally.  I look back to a year ago and I’ve come soooo far! I finally feel comfortable being not only myself, but not giving two fucks what that means to other people. What’s “normal” is a way to be invisible in society. It takes no bravery, it has no spunky personality and it’s boring as fuck! looking in the mirror and asking yourself the hard questions about what kind of person you are and to answer honestly. It’s only for you.

I wanted to be less reactive

I wanted to feel more in control of my healthcare

I wanted to set boundaries and keep them

I wanted to be a person who can say “No” 

I wanted to be ok with not doing everything I’m asked to do if I don’t want to.

I wanted to be a person who consistently put my own feeling, mental health, health first which automatically removes the resentment I feel when I don’t.

I wanted to be a person who waits before giving an answer. Thinks the situation over, mindfully makes the choice that I feel comfortable with rather that either reactionary out of frustration or guilt.

I’m doing so well!!! Just one seemingly small example:

I don’t speak to doctors like I am the decision maker and not them. I have for the last two years gone through some of the most degrading, dehumanizing, exceptionally painful, testing at every turn.  Every single time being told that that was the last final be all to end all test. Then, oh but, THIS test…NEVER again.  Im very anemic. Here’s a fact. Since I was at least 16 and getting blood tests in the regular, I’ve been anemic. I have had TWO doctors have me get colonoscopies within two years of each other. I am not bleeding and I do not have colon cancer. I told my new doctor this. She said that after the last 3 weeks of me taking iron, if my levels haven’t improved that she’s sending me for a colonoscopy…… I said “No, Ma’m. Two colonoscopies in four years is plenty and I will not do it. There are many other causes for anemia. I would prefer to look into those instead.” Now, that’s not too much to ask, I don’t think. She said ok. I’m going to go see a whatsit blood doctor instead. 

I felt so fucking proud of myself!! Previous me would have been scheduled for a colonoscopy next week!!! 

Anyway, I’m feeling really good. Really strong. Really brave and about 1,000 miles away from who I was feeling like last year when my children hurt me so badly. I’m feeling like it was the best thing for me and I’m proud to have used this time to work on ME. 

As you all know by now, Tracy means Warrior and damnit! I’m a fucking warrior.

On a completely different note, a copperhead snake 🐍 decided to wander from its designated bayou and into the power transformer for my building. Two very loud booms later he’d met Jesus and I was eating takeout by candle light. Texas, God bless it’s heart….

Tracy

Questions

 1) IS TOBACCO SCENT STILL YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME SCENT? I love this unusual question! I love that scent for fall and winter, although some have too much clove in them and I’m not a clove fan, but in general the types of perfume they call “library” scents or “ old authors” scents, whiskey and oud, love that. Not so much in the spring and summer because I don’t like them being warmed by the sun. It’s not good. I don’t like “flowery” scents really or “ fruity” scents, I like scents that smell or are described as “clean” a classic clean smell is D&G Light Blue, so perfumes that kind of smell like you’ve just showered but all day long. However! I am loving Peony scented perfumes now so, D&G Peony or Dior Holy Peony. I think spending money on a GOOD QUALITY scent is important if you can. My longtime go to is also Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker which is a scent that reminds my kids of me. Was that too much?

2) YOU NEVER DID THE LIST OF THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE.

I know. I decided to skip that rabbit hole.

3) ARE YOU READY FOR SUMMER?

How does one get ready for summer?  I’m a ready as I’m ever gonna be! It’s been rainy and cool here and I love to open my balcony doors at night. There’s a huge owl that sits on the balcony closest to mine and he sounds lovely. However, if you’ve watch The Staircase then you and I are probably afraid of owls now!! I don’t go out there when he’s out!

4) HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST FELT DEPRESSION?

Well, 16 was an “ episode” of depression. Pregnant and all those old fashioned things that went with being in married and just everything had me hiding out in my bathtub contemplating suicide. But after that, which, admittedly was a lot! It didn’t really come up full force until I was about 23-24. I was really good at putting things in the box,  until I wasn’t. 

5) IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE US WHERE  WOULD IT BE?

I’d love a place in the French quarter…. But, I’d ultimately love to live on the Oregon coast. I’m real tired of the humid south. 

6) FAVORITE COLOR?

Grey/gray and dark inky blue.

Ok, have to go. 

Congrats to the girl child! You look so proud!! Thanks for the pics.

Night

Me

The Things…

I know that you guys are just chomping at the bit to hear about my new recliner and mattress! Actually, I have been getting your emails asking me so I’m not ONLY a boring furniture person but also one who gets asked to be boring. 

I’ve had the new one for like, what? Two weeks? It’s not leather this time which I apparently appreciate. It is soft to the touch, it has the fancy electric gadgets, it is much fluffier, I’m constantly pushing the wrong buttons, it has one enormous flaw…… the headrest part is too fluffy even when set as far back as it will go it pushes my head forward ever so little but enough that it :

A) gives me headaches

B) pulls just enough on my neck to 

C) pull between my shoulder blades

D) which pulls straight down my spine

E) which pinched a nerve and makes my leg feel weird.

If I was a bit taller or a bit shorter I think it would be fine, but I’m not. It needs to wear in and how many decades will that take?  It’s my HEAD! I can’t just push my skull into this thing a million times per day to un-plush it a little.

First world problems  number 8,867.

My mattress is like a giant hug. 

There you go.

I had a conversation with Robb that’s leaving me feeling a bit…. Well, panicky like everything else does, but there’s something/ someone we talk about that the situation causes me a LOT  of anxiety. It’s emotional, it’s stressful, it’s jarring occasionally and while I know that he needs someone to hash this out with, right now, it can not be me. I know that it feels like a shitty friend thing to do but I can’t add it to my plate anymore. I don’t “ have” to like he does and so I told him that it has to be taken off the table for me. I feel bad. I know that he won’t have anyone else to talk it through. Ok, ugh, he has a daughter that has, what most people would consider, some serious and potentially scary,  mental health issues or some fucking ruthless teen faze, and it’s too much. Anyway, I might just be the worst friend ever.

And that’s all. See ya when I see ya!

Tracy

Taking a wee bit of a trip…

 We are going to Phoenix soon for a company retreat. I’d prefer a retreat somewhere that I don’t already dislike but, the resort is lovely. There will be about 20 of us and I do know of a few places that I have to go to while I’ll be there so, I’m sure that it’s going to be fun. I won’t be seeing the oldest son, in fact, unless his youngest sister has told him, he doesn’t know that we will be there. It’s easier that way… I hope. I bought a new summer wardrobe and that is one reason I am excited to go!! I know, it’s lame! I’m good with that though!

Tracy

Watch

 So, I’m thinking ahead for Mother’s Day and I see this ad for a fucking gorgeous watch. I mean, stunning. These little flowers open and close every hour, butterflies move their wings, it’s sparkly and girly and I fall in love with it. I send a link to my husband. My husband responds with “ LOL “ to which I replied with a question mark. He writes “ Are you serious!?” And ya, I was serious , wtf? He zooms in on the price and takes a screenshot…. It’s $250,000. We’ll, shit. No wonder it’s gorgeous but can this thing perform miracles? I don’t think I’ll be getting it for Mother’s Day.

Friday ( don’t judge spelling and shit when I’m just writing as fast as it comes out)

 I can’t think of a title or even what I’m going to write about. My depression has been deep lately. I regret changing my medication around. You can’t know in advance that it’s going to be a car crash though so, I guess regret it pointless. 

My body is in a near constant state of panic. Not only does that feel draining mentally but physically it’s not healthy to have a constant flow of adrenaline. None of my jeans fit. None of my leggings fit. My shirts are starting to look like I’m a little girl I’m an adults clothing. I’ve had to take off my rings, I friggin lost my favorite thumb ring! It slipped off somewhere. 

I don’t want to work on my channel. I’ve even told Robb that I can’t talk for a bit. I have limited tolerance to people other than the ones I live with. 

How is panic different from anxiety? Is a question that I get asked a lot. Well, anxiety is being unable to stop worrying or feeling a sense of doom. I have to have like three backup plans for any given situation.

Panic is the feeling that you can’t survive this overwhelming sense of urgency while still in your body. Your brain wants to unzip your skin and run like a Gump. Noise is jolting. Voices are jolting, literally like pain. Your brain can’t shut it down. Just shut the fuck up already. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t steady my eyes. God Damn.

This is raw. You want to know what’s kind of funny. Usually I can tell when something on the news is getting to be too much so I ignore it. Tune it out. Turn it off. And that’s fine. Or I put things on the box! This one caught me off guard because I saw it happen in real time. Will Smith. Yup. This particular spiral started the night of the Oscars. How? Was it Will Smith hitting Chris Rock? No. I’ve never been hit as a form of abuse. It was his voice, tone, face, body language while he screamed from his seat. 

My brain went nuts. My body felt it and reacted. That’s the way I was screamed at in my home growing up. That’s the way that the oldest boy screams at me. That’s the way my daughter was screaming when my brain had my mouth say “ Mom, stop!” To her nearly a year ago. THAT RAGE. 

This too shall pass. I’d just prefer to be in a coma until it does.

Also, I think it looks like it’s about time for me to stop looking for a picture. 

Tracy