THE ONE WHERE IM PROUD OF MYSELF….

 This past year has been one in which I have grown soooo much emotionally and personally.  I look back to a year ago and I’ve come soooo far! I finally feel comfortable being not only myself, but not giving two fucks what that means to other people. What’s “normal” is a way to be invisible in society. It takes no bravery, it has no spunky personality and it’s boring as fuck! looking in the mirror and asking yourself the hard questions about what kind of person you are and to answer honestly. It’s only for you.

I wanted to be less reactive

I wanted to feel more in control of my healthcare

I wanted to set boundaries and keep them

I wanted to be a person who can say “No” 

I wanted to be ok with not doing everything I’m asked to do if I don’t want to.

I wanted to be a person who consistently put my own feeling, mental health, health first which automatically removes the resentment I feel when I don’t.

I wanted to be a person who waits before giving an answer. Thinks the situation over, mindfully makes the choice that I feel comfortable with rather that either reactionary out of frustration or guilt.

I’m doing so well!!! Just one seemingly small example:

I don’t speak to doctors like I am the decision maker and not them. I have for the last two years gone through some of the most degrading, dehumanizing, exceptionally painful, testing at every turn.  Every single time being told that that was the last final be all to end all test. Then, oh but, THIS test…NEVER again.  Im very anemic. Here’s a fact. Since I was at least 16 and getting blood tests in the regular, I’ve been anemic. I have had TWO doctors have me get colonoscopies within two years of each other. I am not bleeding and I do not have colon cancer. I told my new doctor this. She said that after the last 3 weeks of me taking iron, if my levels haven’t improved that she’s sending me for a colonoscopy…… I said “No, Ma’m. Two colonoscopies in four years is plenty and I will not do it. There are many other causes for anemia. I would prefer to look into those instead.” Now, that’s not too much to ask, I don’t think. She said ok. I’m going to go see a whatsit blood doctor instead. 

I felt so fucking proud of myself!! Previous me would have been scheduled for a colonoscopy next week!!! 

Anyway, I’m feeling really good. Really strong. Really brave and about 1,000 miles away from who I was feeling like last year when my children hurt me so badly. I’m feeling like it was the best thing for me and I’m proud to have used this time to work on ME. 

As you all know by now, Tracy means Warrior and damnit! I’m a fucking warrior.

On a completely different note, a copperhead snake 🐍 decided to wander from its designated bayou and into the power transformer for my building. Two very loud booms later he’d met Jesus and I was eating takeout by candle light. Texas, God bless it’s heart….

Tracy