It’s Wednesday…

 Imma gonna take a long deep breath before I even try to write anything remotely intelligent about this Supreme Court ruling. That’s probably best. 

Next! I’ll be going into the hospital soon to have that biopsy of my spleen. Pretty excited about that!

Also, I do have a diagnosis that has to do with my heart but oddly enough also has a symptom that causes the type of pain that I’m having and explains other things like me being a fainting goat. You don’t die from it, so that’s a bonus and it looks like I do actually have a heart after all. I’ll write more real soon.

I needed a series to watch that I could binge so it needed several seasons( to get my mind off stuff, when my dad died, not only did I only binge Shark Tank for THREE MONTHS, but my husband and son kindly sat with me while I grief binged) 

 I rarely watch the tv. No one in the house does except for Christmas movies on Hallmark ( stop! They make me feel good), Survivor and Big Brother. I like British police dramas because they are really leagues above American TV but I think I’ve watched all the really good ones already and I am so spoiled that I hate having to go a week between episodes and a year plus between seasons and then getting just 9 episodes. So, I decided to watch Yellowstone and I’m gonna lay money that I figured out about 15 minutes into the first episode why a bear wears Maui Jim’s! Am I right??? I think I’m right! I think it’s like a cowboy version of Son’s of Anarchy.  I’m not a fan of horses since I was dragged down a gravel road for two blocks by one with my foot caught in the stirrup and spent seven hours in the ER having my jeans and rocks picked out of my body… But I’m watching it anyway. I love Kevin Costner in everything so I knew it would be ok. Naturally, my fave character is Rip, duh. 

Have to run, love seeing pictures of my bear unexpectedly. 

Tracy

HOW CAN WE BE FRIENDS?

 Here’s on of the weirdest things about being friends with an English, even though we are the same age, he has NO CLUE who some of the most popular bands from back in the day are. He listened to Techno junk and West Coast rappers like Tupac, didn’t listen to the radio and has NEVER heard of JOURNEY!!!!! Never heard of Van Halen or The Eagles or Def Leppard and they are from England!! I asked, Motley Crue? He says no and I replied “ My Dude, have you ever been to a strip club, because if you have then you have definitely heard Motley Crue!!

So there I am at 2:30am singing DONT STOP BELIEVING and POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME and JUMP and RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS….To him to see if they sound familiar when my son comes out of his room all bleary eyed on his way to the bathroom when he says “ I didn’t get the memo that it was karaoke night” 😂😂🥴

I can’t even fathom living in a world where there’s no Journey. What’s the point even?

Also, he’s never watched Winnie the Pooh and had no idea who the characters are or what they sound like. He’s never seen The Wizard of Oz!!!! 

Now I know why we left England. It had nothing to do with Freedom, they just have the worst fucking taste. We couldn’t take it anymore!

Me

Dark and Depressing. Sweet!

 First, I’m going to have a biopsy of my spleen which I understand is unpleasant at best. We need to get a closer look at the granulomas. I’m starting to become numb to the outcomes of these tests because they feel endless. But, I am grateful that I’m even in a position where I CAN get the testing so, there’s that.

June 17th was my grandson’s second birthday. My Linky Cooper. I waited to post this until the full day had passed… Just in case…But, it was also the second birthday of his that I have missed. We still aren’t allowed to see the grandkids and haven’t spoken to the two oldest in nearly a year. I did send a text, through YM, asking if we could send gifts to Lincoln and we got the message back, through YM, that not only could we not send gifts but to never contact them ( OM and family) again.

I do NOT  understand what is happening. I do not know why this is happening but as we get more distance from her we can see things that she’s done and said and behaved in her past and see that she has had a history of lashing out and it doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it’s only mattered that it makes sense to her and the slight can be as small as her dad wanting a father daughter dance at her reception. That nearly got us banned from the wedding. 

We get that the son is stuck. He he as no friends and no family in AZ that aren’t also her friends and family. He’s alone. If they split there are dozens of people who would help her keep their son away from him and he has to know by now that’s she’s not only capable of that, it’s 100% likely. As hard a pill as that is to swallow, I get it, he made his bed.

I’m so furious with the OM that I can’t see me ever having a real relationship with her again. In our minds, she’s done the worst thing possible by taking the grandkids away. We could never trust her again, ever. It will always be a shadow on how we interact with her children because we will always be on guard for them being taken away again. 

Society says, demands really, that parents must have unconditional love for their children. The parents of violent offenders are heard saying that they will always love their child because they are their parents.  We both feel guilty for feeling like we do not owe our kids unconditional love. If a friend verbally, mentally and emotionally abused us we would not say that we had to continue to love them simply because they were born. I’m gonna get some shitty emails but if parents of adult children who abuse them never say anything then it’s always taboo to talk about it and frankly, right this minute, I do not like my children and can’t even tell if I love them or if it’s guilt because I’m supposed to no matter what. If that makes us bad people then I guess we’re bad people and I’ll take that over being torn apart emotionally. 

Baring my soul on the internet. Good times. 

Tracy

Just stuff….

 I’m going to skip talking about my health today because frankly, I’m ignoring it for a couple of days. I need a mental break. I haven’t even posted a video on my YouTube channel in weeks. I can’t. It’s in the box with my other shit that I’m ignoring! I’m going to need a whole building for a box pretty soon. It’s getting crowded in there!

So, Texas has been having a record breaking warm front come through. Most of the southwest has been enjoying Satan’s Holiday. 

Two things:

1) Texas gets a heat index warning and we are told to stay indoors when it’s 110 degrees out. Arizona calls 110 degrees, June, July, August and September. But we are a bit luckier than them and we don’t move when it’s over 103. 

2) I think. And I’m sure that you will agree, that that means it’s the perfect timing for my Air Conditioning to break! Yes! Two nights ago at 3am, it was still 98 degrees outside, and I start feeling like there’s something very very wrong happening in my house. First, it feels sticky, second, I feel on the verge of sweating, third, there’s no humming sound….. Now, the ac unit is in the ceiling above my bathroom. There’s a little access door to get to it and the humming is really noticeable in there if you’re paying attention so I decide to head that direction and as soon as I hit the door it felt like the tropics. Sticky and wet and gross. When I turned the light on I saw it. The nightmare of going without AC during a record breaking hotter than hell week…. My ceiling was dripping water like a waterfall.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck me! Is pretty much the thought process at that moment. See, until I moved to the hottest places in the country I’d never known that AC units could “Freeze up.” Which I s exactly that. Your AC turns into a block of ice from trying too hard to cool off the house and mine was frozen AND melting all at the same time. Yay!

I woke my husband up with “ Hey, hi, it’s me… ya, can you understand me yet? Ok, cool, listen, no need to panic the whole way but, see, the AC is frozen, our ceiling is soaking wet AND there’s water pouring out a little-lot into the bathtub, the good news is that at least it’s in the bathtub, ok? You good still?”

He wasn’t good still and jumped up and ran to the bathroom which is when the fun started… thawing out the AC….. Turn it off, let the blazing hot heat that the apartment is becoming melt the ice. I got two fans, pointed them at me and Southern Bell-ed my distress, Oh Lord Jesus, Save us from this heat, Lord, let me live through this, God, it’s getting real fucking hot, Jesus! Someone bring me some lemonade and a cool wash rag!

Ok, not exactly like that, out loud anyway, but I don’t do heat in any way anymore. Just no.

My husband fixed it. It took four hours, I fell asleep with my fans on me, the fix it guy came and basically told the husband good job and gave us a new filter. 

I was given an atta girl for noticing that the AC was frozen so, you’re welcome. I’m a brilliant little detective, right here!

Night luvs,

Me

It’s me…

 I have no answers about what’s causing my pain and nausea and all around shitty feeling. Doc wants a MRI of my liver but I had one in November plus all my blood tests show good liver function so I’m not sure that’s going to do.

Hey, at least my pancreas looks good. Silver lining.

By

Me

A Week Later… A truckers mouth…

 This post is a little salty and the language is not all that “ lady like” so if you are easily offended, there’s that X up at the top of your screen.

We had an active shooter in our mall today. In my safe little island. I have so much to say. So many emotions. I’m so fucking angry. My husband and I can’t talk about it. We couldn’t have more opposing views on this topic and I always end up feeling frustrated to the point of tears and I just need to not engage in a conversation about guns with him. I can’t grasp that line of thinking, it’s just in my makeup or my brain or maybe I’m too empathetic and can’t see his point of view but whatever it is, it’s not healthy for me. 

That was some honest shit.

I still have no answers. It’s frustrating. Can someone please explain to me why people can’t do their fucking jobs until you call and prompt them too? I don’t get paid to be your fucking office manager! No one looked for my blood test results nor did they know that my STAT ct scan was in their computer. Just, didn’t look. Oh shit! Let me go look to see if those results are in…. Yes, sweet pea, it’s only been a fucking week!  Then she calls me back, found them! I’ll give them to doc and write STAT and she will call you. 

SIDE BAR: I’m a night owl and mostly sleep in the mornings. I couldn’t sleep because I was waiting for the doc AND I’m in a shit ton of pain. Did they call? Come on, why would they call? FUCK ME! Thursday my phone is going to be set to forward all calls to my husband because I feel like I might lose my shit on this office manager. I wish I didn’t love this doctor or I’d leave now.

Something that happened during my CT Scan…. because I’m me….so, I had to get an IV, which doesn’t bother me, the woman working with me hooked it up to a type of pump made of glass and metal, the thin tube that’s probably 20 feet long but is super curly goes into my arm and if you’ve ever had a CT scan then you know that the contrast makes you feel like you’ve peed. No, really. So I didn’t get that feeling and pretty soon the tech comes in and checks to see if my vein has blown because they’re getting a message about pressure which means blown vein. I get those all the time with IV’s and knew that I hadn’t had one. She pushes on the IV on my arm and suddenly I feel like I peed so I said “ it’s working now” and then…. The glass pump thing and the plastic tube EXPLODE! All over! We both screamed, because shrapnel will do that too you, we’re dripping in contrast fluid. She freaks out. I’m freaking out. She calls several people in and everyone agrees that this has never happened before, ever, and we start picking out glass and the contrast starts to harden on me, my face, my dress, like little bb’s. I was a mess. Bonus, never warn this cute dress before, never warn the shoes before. Ruined. Cluster fuck. They are all nervous, swearing it’s never happened before, so I tell them that I know it hasn’t, but it IS something that would happen to me….. The zebra, not the horse. Ah, I just love being so special :-)

Thanks for pics! Sorry about the weather, we had the same. Good to see your face.

Me