Dark and Depressing. Sweet!

 First, I’m going to have a biopsy of my spleen which I understand is unpleasant at best. We need to get a closer look at the granulomas. I’m starting to become numb to the outcomes of these tests because they feel endless. But, I am grateful that I’m even in a position where I CAN get the testing so, there’s that.

June 17th was my grandson’s second birthday. My Linky Cooper. I waited to post this until the full day had passed… Just in case…But, it was also the second birthday of his that I have missed. We still aren’t allowed to see the grandkids and haven’t spoken to the two oldest in nearly a year. I did send a text, through YM, asking if we could send gifts to Lincoln and we got the message back, through YM, that not only could we not send gifts but to never contact them ( OM and family) again.

I do NOT  understand what is happening. I do not know why this is happening but as we get more distance from her we can see things that she’s done and said and behaved in her past and see that she has had a history of lashing out and it doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it’s only mattered that it makes sense to her and the slight can be as small as her dad wanting a father daughter dance at her reception. That nearly got us banned from the wedding. 

We get that the son is stuck. He he as no friends and no family in AZ that aren’t also her friends and family. He’s alone. If they split there are dozens of people who would help her keep their son away from him and he has to know by now that’s she’s not only capable of that, it’s 100% likely. As hard a pill as that is to swallow, I get it, he made his bed.

I’m so furious with the OM that I can’t see me ever having a real relationship with her again. In our minds, she’s done the worst thing possible by taking the grandkids away. We could never trust her again, ever. It will always be a shadow on how we interact with her children because we will always be on guard for them being taken away again. 

Society says, demands really, that parents must have unconditional love for their children. The parents of violent offenders are heard saying that they will always love their child because they are their parents.  We both feel guilty for feeling like we do not owe our kids unconditional love. If a friend verbally, mentally and emotionally abused us we would not say that we had to continue to love them simply because they were born. I’m gonna get some shitty emails but if parents of adult children who abuse them never say anything then it’s always taboo to talk about it and frankly, right this minute, I do not like my children and can’t even tell if I love them or if it’s guilt because I’m supposed to no matter what. If that makes us bad people then I guess we’re bad people and I’ll take that over being torn apart emotionally. 

Baring my soul on the internet. Good times. 

Tracy