Ok, let’s talk….

 For everyone who does not understand this, go ahead and click the X. It’s a private kind of conversation but in public, because, that’s what I do.

For YOU. I’ve had this blog for 20 years. It has always had one purpose. I’ve put a lot into being silently watched and I get the very very tiniest in return. Pics every 6 months, no insight into your life. No vacation pics or birthday pics or just hey, it’s been a couple of weeks, here’s a pic of my view, job, car, flowers, the moon, pool, mom, restaurant etc… I’ve spent a LOT of time working up to this…

I’m not inclined to contribute to a virtually one sided story. My life being an open book, for the most part, and nearly nothing in return. I’m 54 and have been doing that since I was 18. I takes up a lot of my mind. I’m guessing that you think it would be out of the ordinary for you to post more so therefore would bring on a comment or question but, so? There’s literally nothing that leads to me. Nothing. You want to save pics for a photo album. You want to save certain memories. Whatever. I wish you less fear. It’s only pictures to anyone else in the entire world, but me. 

Please consider this for me. If you feel that you won’t do that then as badly as it would break my heart, I’ll need to go. 

Think about it.

Feel it.

Walk with me silently with photos or decide not to. 

Tracylynn

Coming….

 I’m writing a post but it’s taking me a stupid long time.

See ya soon

YAY!

 We had a great Thanksgiving! So easy, so relaxed, so nice and stress free. Everything I was hoping for.

The guys in my life rebelled against wearing the new clothes I bought them. Apparently they are, comfort under any conditions, kind of people and I couldn’t care less. That’s not even on my list of hills to die on. 

It was not sad in any way. These two kids are smart and funny and the conversations we have are a blast. We kept joking about the few seconds that the waiters would catch and what they must think. Our favorite little clip was “ I think that a boa constrictor could get out of locked bedroom door”

The Island was lit up and gorgeous. 

I have a couple of stories to tell but I’m gonna do that later. 

No pics????

See ya later

Me

THANKSGIVING

 Last year I was stuck in the black water on Thanksgiving. We slept, we cooked a turkey dinner, we watched football and I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d made it through. It was only me, my husband and the youngest boy who were here. I had a picc line in and was being flooded with harsh antibiotics. Things were rough.

This year my house is decked out in Christmas, even our bedrooms and bathroom. SO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER. Sooo many candles! My YM is coming down and we have reservations at a really lovely candlelit dinner here on the Island so our view is the green with its millions of lit trees lights and our 40 ft Christmas tree, the creek flowing by and I’ve gotten everyone something beautiful to wear. Long gowns for the ladies, just because! Our reservations aren’t until 7:15 so we’re making a brunch. It will be a brilliant night.

Much love from me!

Tracy

And then there I was…

 Every once in awhile I’m going to start writing about things that happened to me in my life that are maybe, unexpected, never heard before, slightly interesting and probably weird on occasion… 

Here is today’s memory from BACK IN THE DAY:

When I was 21 years old I somehow found myself in this rundown “ bad side of the tracks” town called Hillyard…… I really have zero memory of how this happened but I do think that I remember who I went with and that she wanted to catch some band playing that night.

I was working at the bar/restaurant and after my shift I changed out of the pink shirt and Keds into something more…. Black. Tight jeans, black shirt, sleeves rolled up, black boots, belt that wasn’t the kind used for keeping pants up but more of an accessory, it was black, buckled in the back and had a couple of chains on it. Throw on extra eyeliner and pump in more hairspray and I was good to go….

To a biker bar.

This was a few levels above my pay grade. I was nervous. I hoped that I was dressed in a way that didn’t scream “ I just turned 21! AND I’m afraid of you” I was going for more of a casual, “ ya, I’m in a biker bar, and what the fuck do you care?” Kind of thing… 

Her boyfriend was there and already had a table. I ran to the bathroom where several people, men and women, were just snorting coke off the sink, you know, your average bar experience…. They were polite though and did offer me a “bump.” Not being exactly a church mouse, I declined knowing that ONE bump leads to THREE hours of withdrawal, so thanks but I’m good. They stared at me… Waiting for my answer to change… “ I had the worst fucking allergic reaction to that shit once! Never doing that again” and they loosened back up. 

Back at the table there was a drink waiting for me. Whiskey and coke, which I loathe, but, when I’m Rome, I guess….

The room was dark and thick with smoke and LOUD as a band played. No one seemed to pay attention, I scanned the room trying to take it all in as I guess that I couldn’t see this happening again, snorting coke off the bar, weed at a couple tables, no one made direct eye contact which was good. The shitty band grinded a guitar solo and the drums wrapped up the night for the worst band I’d ever heard. 

I thought we were done and I was good to go home but this guy, big hair, more eyeliner than me, really thin build, ripped jeans, a similar belt to mine, denim shirt half way unbuttoned, a few guys looking much the same stood behind him, a soft gentle nervous voice comes over the microphone “Hey, so, a, we’re going to play for a bit. Hang on” and the girl’s boyfriend says, yells, actually, “ This is them! They’re fucking awesome, man!”

And this voice comes out of this dude, pitch perfect. He’s nervous but starts to settle in “ Wait for this shit!” Yells the boyfriend guy…

And for an hour I’m front row at a Steelheart concert. Like, four feet away. The air in the room changes, people sit down, they yell “ Fuck ya!” At the end of songs and “ Fucking A, Dude” and the room starts vibrating with magic. And we’re all making eye contact and suddenly we’re old friends with everyone and people start throwing their fists in the air and I was absolutely right…. I’d never experience that again and I’m glad I didn’t  because it made that night really special and something to tell my kids about.

Thanks for reading… now go to YouTube and find one of their songs! 

Me

OMG!

 I needed retail therapy today so we went out and went a little nuts on Christmas decorations. Keep this in mind. I have decorations in my storage, I got all new decor when we moved to Allen, then last year I got more decor and we didn’t put any up. This year I told the husband that I was gonna go balls to the wall and make our apartment magical!! I think I’ve hit the the maximum amount of magic that will fit into our apartment! That warms my heart!

The 11th was the OM’s 28th birthday. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

It is Sooo freaking cold out!!!! A HIGH of 40 tomorrow! Yes, Baby!!

We put the Christmas tree up today… Do not start with me! But we started slowly decorating a couple of days ago and we are gonna need a few more. 

We made reservations at Brios for thanksgiving. YM will be here  I want to dress nice and have some holiday cheer!

When we went to vote last week the polling station tried to tell my son, A card carrying registered voter, holding his card, that he couldn’t vote. I might have gotten a wee bit upset. They called a judge in to have her decide, I was a half a second away from losing my nut. She told them that they could not turn away a registered voter under ANY condition and he was allowed to vote, but how many people didn’t have a mom/friend/spouse educated in these things that just walked out? TEXAS, man! 

Gotta go.

Me

Voted today….

 Not that it matters a whole lot in this backward state. There were a LOT of police officers present. I was glad to see that.

My depression kicked in a couple of days ago. Out of the blue. One day fine and the next, definitely NOT fine. This is my favorite time of year. If I could control my brain then I would never run into depression in the fall and winter. I can’t stop it. I can’t prevent it. It just fucking lurks back there trying to force me into letting my oldest children ruin my joy. And along those lines, I found out today that my Lincoln is in the hospital. My om didn’t call to tell us. It was a fluke that I found out. Last week was a better week to deal with that. Today isn’t the day so, I’m the box it goes until the next better day comes.

I just feel… Incredibly Sad. No real reason. Just a fluffy black cloud embracing my heart. If I can just blow it away….

Tracy

Snakes and hail and tornadoes, oh my!

 We had a storm roll in and in NOVEMBER had a tornado whipping around. Much of the area got hammered. When I went to bed last night I hear a really really loud noise on my balcony. It sounded, seriously, like the balcony above mine fell onto mine or that mine had been ripped off! We took a quick look and everything seemed ok but when I woke up I tip toed out and my balcony is covered in black soil. The only thing we can think off is that someone’s planters got picked up by the wind and thrown into my balcony railing. Weird.

A few nights ago my doggo, Julie, was asleep next to my on the chaise part of our couch. The house was pitch black. My husband had just gone to bed and the boy was in his room when Julie starts barking her “ Fuck around and find out” bark and growling…. This is usually saved for trying to fight armadillos, but, obviously that wasn’t the issue, so I’m trying to see in the pitch dark… for one thing my eye surgery has been postponed due to a complication with my eye…. That’s neither here nor there… point is, I had been looking at my eye pad so even if I wasn’t already blind in one eye, I couldn’t see shit. So, I’m all asking her what’s up… my 20 year old man child is yelling from his room for he to “ Do something” like, what do you suggest? Whip out my ninja skills and fight off an intruder? My husband comes out and she will not stop her “imma gonna give you three seconds, bitch” stance so we turn on the light and because her hair is on red alert she looks like puffy dandelion version of a Labrador! My son, still in his room is asking if everything is good? My Dude! I’m out here crouched down with my fists up ready to start swinging and your 20 yr old self is in your ROOM?! 

He got exactly 0% of my feisty! Kids these days!

Had a doctors appt last week that went well. My doc is back from maternity leave and I’ve missed her. I wore my girliest pink dress with my Doc boots, because that’s how you do it, and she said that I’m always dressed so cute. I mean, ya, I do have to pay her but still….

There’s a rattle snake that’s taken up residence just outside our back door that we get off the elevator at to go to the parking garage. Just living his best life between two stones in a short decorative wall. I’m not a fan.

The island’s Christmas tree is being put up! Grin!!!!

We’re planning our 30th wedding anniversary trip, going to take it in the spring rather than October and I thought the husband would want a beach type thing. I even looked up Fiji… Do you even know how fucking far away Fiji is???? 24 hour flight. Nearly to New Zealand! That’s a Hellnope, from me. But, I was surprised by where he actually wants to go! It’s SO ME!! Plus he’s really excited to do something new that we’ve never done or been before that’s unlike anything we’ve ever done before and when I get to planning I’ll tell you all a bit more!! And we want to plan a drive up the Oregon coast soon-ish too. I love it there so much. What a blessed to have spent so much time there in my life. I wish I’d known the last time we’d went that we wouldn’t be back. I would have breathed in the air a little longer and listened to the cold water rush up onto the beach a little longer and took in the majesty of it all just a bit more. It always made me cry happy tears. 

I have to go.

Night luvs… PS: a fedora, I forgot to mention, I prefer darker colors and especially love wool or felt, light weight in the summer though, me and my twin bear. 

Tracylynn