I’m the most loyal friend you’ll ever have. My ONE requirement, at the risk of sounding like trump, gah, is that you MUST be loyal. By this I mean, you will not talk shit about me behind my back and if you hear someone talking shit about me you will feel and respond as if they just punched YOU. You don’t blame my child for being a victim of something life changing, you don’t blurt out some petty shit from five years ago that you’ve been holding a grudge over. No grudge holding. Spit it out then and there. That gives us a chance to work through it. For me to be called on it in the moment so that I can hear you and understand how that comment or action hurt you. I’m open to hearing it if you remember that we are friends while you’re addressing it. Don’t talk down to me or take a dig at a personal sore spot, use something I’ve told you against me. I let very very very few people into my heart. It sounds like I’m a dick if I say that if I’ve let you in, you’re lucky, but what I mean is that you’ve gained a friend that will defend you 24/7, listen without judge, be furious on your behalf if your hurt, protect your heart with all of mine. Sit on your side of the courtroom when no one else will. Stand at your door and send them away with a warning. Fight your battles when you can’t. I am the friend you want in the trenches.
And what I ask in return is that you are all of those things for me. Be honest, call me on my shit, tease me, tell me your opinion, to.my. face. And I’ll respect that, listen and hear you. I can laugh at myself and my quirks if it’s funny rather than passive aggressive. I tell everybody including my family that they can say anything as long as it’s funny and not a camouflaged punch.
If you are a very very rare dear friend and you betray the “rules,” hurt me intentionally and call it a joke, like a weak chicken shit. Punch below the belt and pull the rug out from underneath my feet, we are done. I’ve walked away from close family, you can’t think I can’t walk away? You think I won’t walk away? No, Sir. It’s my heart. It switches off and builds a wall up faster than you can say “ Would you fancy some tea?” Locked down. One time in my entire life where that changed and my heart opened back up. And you are not them.
Could we ever be friends again? Maybe, but I’ll never put my heart in your hands again. There will never be a secret again. There will always be just that little shadow in the corner that’s my hurt reminding me that you won’t be trusted again. We could talk and laugh and you will think it’s the same but I’ll know that it’s not. And it’s not important to me for you to see the little shadow or hear the slightest of changes in my voice or notice the distance or feel the difference, because I don’t care.
And that my friends is exactly where Robb and I stand today. It’s really just a matter of time, anyway. My son said they all people will eventually let you down and that is probably true, but all people aren’t let into our tiny little heart.
Tracy
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