Today….

 Isn’t that Miley song good? I love it!! 

My youngest child isn’t a baby anymore. He turned 21 on Friday so we did the whole “ Birthday WEEKEND” with him. He had his literal first drink. He doesn’t drink I have given him a sip now and then , which he never likes, he got a Pina Colada , which really was strong! And he didn’t really like it. I had a vodka/cranberry/splash of 7-up and then like 1/2 of his drink. That’s more alcohol than I’ve had in the past year. Hit me in like two seconds. I asked Josh if he could feel anything and he said no but a few minutes later he asked what it was supposed to feel like so I answered “ like you’re slow” “ yup! I feel slow!” He responded.

The VAST IMMEASURABLE difference between his 21st and MY 21st……. I had the exact same conversation with someone about how I was supposed to feel and slow was NOT the answer. I ran up and down the hotel hallway and felt as alive and clear and as shiny as I ever had . Bonus, every nerve in my body was jumping like electricity. A single touch felt like a deeply profound connection that found its way to the part that registers pleasure and unlocked insecurities and fear. It was “alive” is supposed to feel like.

So glad that I didn’t miss out on that.  

And moving on…..

I am struggling HARD with depression. It’s a bare buckle fight sometimes. It’s frustrating because I wait all year for exactly this time of year. I love this time of year, as everyone knows by now, but the depression isn’t up to me. Calm waters, floating along with a warm breeze, full moon, the smell of calm and lazy and peaceful then…Giant waves thrashing about tossing my thoughts around and against a cold concrete wall. Thunder that deafens me and dulls my senses and pulls me down, down, down until I can’t catch a breath, struggling wildly to reach out and grab something, anything to steady myself….. I even made a YouTube video to explain that I just can’t right now. I don’t have the capacity at the moment.

I’m doing a lot of self care. Art, candles, body butters, lotions, scents, reading, music…Just trying to ride it out… I always do…. 

Other stuff is gonna have to wait until next time. Maybe a q&a?

Football starts tomorrow so it’s that time of year that I get to spend “ with” my dad. Can not believe I’m into football. Hell hath frozen over!!

May the force be with you,

Tracy