Thinking about you

 My mind has been flashing back to my time at Cinola. Good, bad….. The people in the movie of our lives. Main characters for a short time. The four years I spent there were by far the most integral part of forming my view of …. Well, everything. The role that that place and those people played In my life still plays out today. 

Having a memorial I think of all the people from my time there and the spirits of those who have passed that sat in those stools and tables. Ellie, Archie, Cheryl, Maria, Pam, Dave the jukebox guy! Rob and Robbie, Larry and Susan and yes, even Jim Star. motorcycle Bob and Amber Jewel. The community that helped me when I had to bring Jo-ry to work with me, the video game money he was given, rides on tractors…My cars being fixed for a case of beer. The tingle when you walked through the door. 

Your mom created a community closer than any church community. My eyes were opened to the decency and true love from great people who sat on a bar stool and not a church pew. 

Those are things that never leave you. Your mother’s legacy. 

I hope that you find peace in that. Her spirit is all around you and so many people over 40 years. So many of them there to greet her upon her arrival. 

Look at the moon. I am there. 

Tracy

I’m so sorry

 The loss of a parent is an indescribable hole in heart of a child. No matter that age of the child. Sending my love and hoping for your peace. 

Turns out that my last post was bad timing. I didn’t know about your loss at the time. I’m sorry.

Me

Long time no see….

 Between life in general, stuff going on with my kids, and working on my 31 days videos, my ass has been kicked.

In the interest of being transparent, I have not been well.

We didn’t get to go on our vacation to New Orleans because my YM was in a car accident. We stayed to deal with that and with that came an avalanche of drama with our children. It’s been extremely difficult. My YM is fine now. But being exposed to the other children is literally abusive. I handle it well in the moment but afterwards my heart just explodes. The loss of betrayal is very similar to a death except death has an ending and a start to healing. This is a perpetual emotional and mental abuse. The om and oldest son are in my ym’s ear. She, as I’ve said a million times, is the light in my life. The warm breeze. The sunflower and the warm fuzzies. Suffice it to say, her siblings are pounding her to chose them, to support their abuse of me and their dad and I honestly feel her slipping away. She doesn’t want them to be mad at her. Parents are disposable. We’ll be dead long before her siblings. What will her support system look like then? She doesn’t want to be the new us. And she will be. So will Josh but they give him less pressure. He’s the baby. They still mostly treat him as invisible. But if YM goes, so will he. And he should. She’s his comfort blanket. The two are extremely close. And it is coming and it is coming soon. The writing is in the wall. YM has said things to us that mimic her siblings. It’s shocking. It’s not “her.” I can hear her siblings like she’s reading their memo. 

I’m struggling, my husband is struggling. I’m drowning.

My next post won’t be so bleak, I promise.

Thanks for the pics :-)

Who you gonna call?

Tracy

I’m sorry!!

 I’m trying to get a post out. I’m just very busy with regular life and recording and editing 31 videos. 

So much to talk about though…. ASAP!

I’ll get you my pretty,

Tracy

Friday.

 I haven’t been wanting to post. Really, there’s a couple of reasons, one, I used this and my other blog to document raising my kids and my life and all the weirdness and my kids are adults. I’ve had this blog for 21 years. That’s a good long time to be dedicated to something and I’m not sure that I want to keep it up. I’ll say goodbye before I stop, if I stop, so that ya’ll aren’t ghosted 

Fun fact, can’t seem to post anything that isn’t depressing as fuck. 

We didn’t get to go away for our vacation. My YM was in a car accident. We stayed to deal with that. She’s fine. But the week was hell. Why? Because my grown ass children are…. Well, let’s just say that I fucking hate that my kid’s generation grew up is such a PC narcissistic cancel culture. Say that something they did was, say, hurtful, and the response is something like “ Those are your feelings. They do not reflect my intention therefore I WILL NOT apologize for something that you internalized as hurtful…. By the way, I’m short on my rent, can you give me some money, because it’s your JOB as my parent to ensure my bills are paid for, my car insurance is paid for, my cell phone is paid for…. But, do not think that your role goes any further than your JOB as my parent, because I’m a fucking adult” that basically runs down how our week with the YM went as she demanded, and I do mean demanded, that we not only fix the car ( remember when that car was mine but she NEEDED it to get to work or the store and she didn’t want to bring it back every time. Ya, that car) and expressly told us how many days we have to get 

Post coming soon.