Ok…

 I haven’t been here for a hot minute. I haven’t been doing my YouTube channel, I’ve been really concentrating on self care and getting through the holidays in a peaceful and healthy manner. 

The YM was not involved in our holidays this year. We chose that. Well, I’m not sure what she would have chosen for Christmas but we made the decision for us. She has taken on some of her sister’s personality traits and it’s not a healthy environment for me to be in. 

I’m not sure that I’ve ever spoken about this here, that amnesia stuff is REALLY helping me to not only pack things away but to unpack other things in a healthier way by seeing things from a distance rather than like I’m back in that situation…. Anyway, the last conversation I had, well, the last telephone conversation I had with Madison she was yelling at me in such a manner that I actually said “ Mom! Stop!” And that’s when I knew knew knew that I couldn’t be around her. When I told my therapist she GASPED and immediately wanted me to go to stay at a ranch, you know what I mean, but I just shut down. I inverted into myself, started going to a spa, started writing and painting and keeping my AirPods in to block out noises and voices and really dug down deep to grab ahold of those bootstraps. 

We haven’t spoken to the two oldest in was has turned into years and now that I know my granddaughter ( she was born to Madison’s husband’s ex while they were first dating. She’s been mine as much as any of my grandkids) has no memories of us it makes the separation so much easier because I know she’s not feeling abandoned. 

Anyway, this time we got the jump on it and I won’t let YM crack me, which as you all know is the most difficult of all because she was the warm breeze to me. 

We had a great Christmas. I kept the boxes in my brain and heart shut. I was present and enjoying the time the way it was THIS year and appreciating the many blessing that I do have in my life. I do not mind saying that I am so very proud of me and how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown. I.am.a.warrior. 

Speaking of that! I looked up what my Tartan colors are, turns out that I’m not mostly Irish, I’m some 78% SCOTTISH! Plus Irish plus English from Robb’s hometown! Plus my Creole. But damn near all Scottish which fits, right? Warrior Clans! ( Even my name means warrior!) Anyway my Tartan comes from a clan whose motto is “ Either Peace Or War” and I fucking love it!!! I can do both with the same bravery and intensity, you decide which you choose and I’ll meet you there for either one.  So fucking cool! Scotland’s motto is “ Nemo me impune lacessit” which means “No one assaults me with impunity” or in modern times “Fuck around and find out” God, I love that. I want the Latin version ( the first I showed) tattooed on me. First, I LOVE Latin and second, I want to read that every single day. 

For a bear…

My New Years wishes:

That your heart heals and holds your mother deeply.

That you have someone who snuggles into your neck taking in your scent 

That you find the bravery to make tough choices and with that comes inner peace.

That you feel a warm breeze and feel love from afar.

That you are humble and grateful

That you love yourself

That you feel finger tips gently drawn across your body 

That you have deep connections 

That you remember.

Tracy