Raise Your Hand if You Watched a Shit Show Last Night!

 Yes, I’m still here... I’m on my phone.

I’m really debating whether to post the post I’m sitting on. I know that the initial reaction will be uncomfortable. Perhaps surprise. Maybe anger.

I keep waiting for it to cycle out but my therapist and husband discourage that idea. Remember. I’m the procrastinator. I prefer “long term thinker,” myself but, that’s just me, I guess.

In the meantime I’ve used retail therapy which has been losing a bit of appeal lately considering I’m not supposed to leave the house..... sometimes I must so that no one is injured by my brain exploding.

Anyway, I got a new 11.9 IPad Pro 2020 and I’m excited! I’ve had my other one for about four years, and in my experience, Apple sabotages it’s products so that they go to shit around that time.

I’m sooooooo busy. I’m doing 31 videos in 31 days, actually I’ll do a thank you one on Nov 1st as well, but it’s literally been 3.5-4 months of content in.... Oh???? So far? A few days. I’ve had a couple vids in the queue, I have my list of topics and have done the homework on those which is literally half the battle but then I must record and edit. I spent 10 hours editing a podcast last week. Skype just can’t even be coaxed nicely into doing what I ask and I wanted to stomp like a small child because the finished product was a file that would not convert. No way. Nope. Make me!

Remember years ago ( 2 weeks) when I had a pee sample left to grow little bacteria’s? Guess what?

You’ll never guess.

The lab through away my sample.

They called yesterday.

I fucking swear that they literally let anyone in the medical field. Anyone. Crack heads, jewel thieves, peeping toms, people that can’t put two words together......

Also...... I didn’t call the mean doctor. I have too until I can get in somewhere else but..... my shell keeps saying no.

Did you watch the shit show circus freak debate? Dear God. I literally did deep breathing exercises. Robb called at 3:45 in the morning, his time, because he’d watched it on the BBC and as soon as I answered he said ( picture British accent) 

“What was that trash bin fire?” 

“I’d a had a go at that trump fucker. Talkin’ bout, ‘I don’t know your son’”

“Who the fuck cares? Call me a loser for serving mah country and I’ll give your ass a welly up it”

“You have a crazy guy talking about racists on standby? We’d see the inside of a prison for that shit right now! “

Me: ya, free speech and stuff though..

“ the poor normal guy just looked like the only adult in the room”

Me:   Hey, I’m as shaken as you.... more, actually. 

Robb: “ What in Christ’s name is wrong over there?”

“ I’m embarrassed for ya.”

Me: thanks for calling! Next time don’t hold back.

So, that was fun.

My husband is sick. Let’s all pray, light candles, cross fingers and sacrifice lambs hoping that it’s just allergies.

I’ve got to go. I’m tired. I’m really going to have to get that post out I think. Ugh

Tracy 

I’ll be posting soon

They say it’s your Thursday.. Blah blah blah

My bad.....

I hate feeling like I use this to talk about things I don’t really want to say out loud and “bother” people but, it’s a diary, right? It’s for hashing things out?

My kidneys aren’t getting better. In fact, I took a little ride in the ambulance because the pain in my kidneys had me soooo sick and I could not walk without feeling like the air was being sucked out of me.

I have a culture growing little bacteria babies so I can kill them with my two hands. In the meantime my urologist thing is a cluster fuck and the new guy? I called him at 4pm because my old/current guy will not tell me what my results are because his office is like a dairy farm. Move one in move one out and repeat all day long.

The new guy....... screamed at me for “calling after hours” (4pm?) Thursday they close at noon I guess so I got a fucking lashing like you would not believe. Like, my inner child cane out at the guy said things like “ is that clear enough for you?” “ your case is too much. Do you not GET that?!” “ hello? Anyone home??” I’m not taking you. You called after hours. Do you even know what after hours means??? Should I make it even clearer? Don’t call me again!!! Am I clear?

To which my inner child could only say...”Yes, your a big baby throwing a tantrum”

But I am numb. I get numb when I’m embarrassed. It embarrassed me to be belittled. It hit me in all the right buttons. It made me shut up and crawl into my shell and feel sick. It made my inner child hear my mother’s voice and it paralyzed me. 

Like if I see it coming, I’m good. If I know there’s a good chance, I’m good. If it’s not a doctor who had been so comforting and calm, I got sucker punched. Never let your guard down. How many times do I need to learn that. Is that THE lesson I’m supposed to take from this life? Hold your cards close to your chest. Period.

My husband called him like I’m a child and it went in an unexpected direction. He was calm with my husband. Oh, I was frustrated( Ya, walk a mile in my shoes, buddy, bet ya can’t) and oh, if you agree that it’s water under the bridge she can call tomorrow and speak with my receptionist ( his wife) and she will get her in!!

Abuser. If he will speak to me like that imagine what it’s like for his wife whom I assume he says he loves. Or his kids.

Only 35 uro-gyns in the whole country once per year.... don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything.....

Ya you do. 

Besides that. I have a post that I’ve been sitting on for over a week. It’s raw. It’s probably gonna make me look shitty. It’s honest. Maybe hurtful. It’s past time.

And I don’t know what to do about it. 

Have to go. 

Drink coffee, watch a doc, chew ice, stay in my shell.

Night

Me

Uh oh!!

Politics!!!!

My next post is going to be about my first job and recent photos I’ve seen and the therapy dream that followed that!! Aren’t you excited?!

I have so much tried to not talk about politics in here because I get so riled up! I hate that feeling. It’s not a good adrenaline type feeling. 

However!!!!! It’s your lucky day!!! Put on your party hat, grab an alcoholic beverage of your choice, mine is an Amaretto Sour, put your judgement on pause, and let me address something:

I didn’t start paying attention to politics until I was probably 21-22 years old. My own kids have always been involved in politics, they watch all the debates, they fact check ( which, if we are honest here, it’s just us, nobody will know if you’re honest, is a full time job, these days) and I love that! I love that my youngest son can blow most adults out of the water with hoe much he knows, his actual grasp on his own opinion and his fascination with what the fuck this crazy train is gonna do next.

I was much too busy being a teen mom, working and just plain not giving two fucks. I was just glad to not be praying for the Republican to win because my grandparents said so.

The very first time I voted has to have been 1992? Clinton v Dad Bush? Ya, pretty sure, could ho look but why start being productive now? 

I voted for Clinton. I wasn’t thrilled by the Gulf War. I registered at the local mall, I got my yard sign, placed in the yard of my very first home AND won $50 from a radio station for registering! 

Then....... ( dark piano music) The whole, depends on what your definition of the word is is, bullshit came up.

Let’s get one thing straight. Bill Clinton had an affair. I have NO moral high ground to stand on. None. Except that, I’m  not now nor was I the President of the United States. I wasn’t held to those standards and I wasn’t the beacon of light that the leader of the free world is supposed to be.

His fucking lying about everything pissed me off. His treatment of a 22 year old woman who thought she was in love when suddenly she was finding herself being slut shamed and her legacy becoming a blow job and a cum stain on a blue dress, while he stood by and not only watched that happen but allowed it to, infuriated me. 

As a side note, any type of back door secret behavior opens up the possibility for foreign leaders to blackmail a president and anyone else involved and in the muck of deception.

1996...... I voted for Bob Dole.

Here is my point. Even as a relatively young adult, I had standards by which I expected, perhaps naïvely, the leader of the free world to adhere too. I wasn’t loyal to the D or the R that stood by their name. I expect a calm, intelligent, competent, brave, thoughtful, reliable, stable, confident and qualified person to be that beacon of light. To represent the Greatest Country in the World. The leader of the free world to be someone we can be proud of.

And so, when Bill Clinton became a lying, laughingstock, I said “no, thank you” the only way I could. I voted.

What astounds me and leaves me speechless is how in 30 years that concept has been cashed in for an (R). No matter if the guy is an accused rapist( even his wife accused him) lies 20 times per day, fucks porn actors, admittedly commits sexual assault by grabbing pussy, brushes off our military being killed for bounty, asking on live tv for the Russians to help him( and,hmmmm ironically they did that very same day), brags about lying about COVID-19,.......... And I don’t have all night so I can’t list them all.....

But none of those change the mind of his supporters because (R). 

200,000 dead. Republicans couldn’t stop investing Hillary over 3. But 47% of this country thinks that 200,000 dead is an acceptable number. 

If I wasn’t living it I would have gone on not understanding how it was possible for a Nazi Germany to rise. But I see the hate. I read the words. I saw a Colorado Senator say “ The only good Democratic is a dead one” and how did I see it? The president of the United States retweeted it.

I was mad that a guy asked what the definition of is is. It lost my vote.

This is a dark time in history. The first time ever that we are banned from entering other countries. That world leaders laugh at us and show their disgust for us. We are not a shining beacon. We are a burning ember. And we deserve it.

Tracy

Who’s Gonna Drive You Home Tonight...

Hey.

I’m listen to Shooting Star by Bad Company as I write this first part. I still want to randomly pick songs on my playlist and choose the lyrics that touch me and why. Don’t let me forget....

I got my dad’s will. 

I can’t write about it yet. I can’t find the words or even know if there are words to accurately describe my initial reaction/feelings. It came through my email about half way through my last podcast and I feel like anyone who really knows me will know the exact moment when I scanned it quickly. My “me” leaves the room or my podcast “me” at any rate. My mind hit the road and my heart curled up into a dark corner, knees up, arms wrapped around them, pushing its face into the curve between the knee caps.......

I eventually sent a text to Robb and wrote:

“ I need to wrap this up.... Now”

( current song : Bad Guy by Billy Eilish)

We often text during the podcast. Things like:

Keep talking. I have to pee.

I’m coughing brb

Have to get coffee!!

I have an appointment soon!!

But never : I have to go now. Period.

He was all.... “ok, yes, I’m done now. Good morning or night, whatever”When I asked “you feel done, Robb? All bases covered?”(30 minutes early)

And so we wrapped it up. I don’t think I plugged our merchandise.

We always call before and after a podcast and talk so when I called right after he was concerned about the abruptness.

( Drive by: Cars)

I just told him that I got the will and needed to stuff it into my mental box and lock it away for a minute. Also, I need to go sit in the dark and watch the rain storm with my knees pulled up to my chest.

( Please Come to Boston by : Dave Loggins)

Come hold my hand, look into my eyes, pull me on top of you and whisper.... It’s ok, Baby”

Loves,

Tracy

They say it’s your Tuesday! It’s my Tuesday too ya!

Typed on my bloody phone, damn it!

Hello!

How is everyone?

I’m holding off the hospital as long as humanly possible. If I do go then I’ve hit rock bottom and I try to avoid rock bottom as often as I can but I feel like my toes are touching it.

Mental health wise, I’m doing ok. Better than before so, there shan’t be any slipping off the balcony today. Too dark? My bad.

I think it’s the time of year. Even my brain can muster up excitement for fall. We are currently experiencing “Fake Fall” with some highs coming up of 67 degrees, then 80’s and in most states people would be thinking “ Thank God! The blazing heat has passed” but WE know that it’s just a tiny little break to get us to let our guard down. Ooooh, where are those jeans I love and that cute sweater I bought last January on clearance and adorable booties!! Perhaps a cute hat?  Lattes and pumpkin muffins and I’ve put up some fall decorations, burning my “Library” scented candles and then........ boom!!!! It’s 100+ degrees again!! Hah! Thought you had it good? Not in September! THIS is Texas, Bitch! Get back to me in November for real fall.

Wanna know a weird secret about me than no one knows?

I don’t make wishes. My family has this group text and at 11:11am/pm someone sends out the time. Every day. It’s for wishes. I never make one. 

Eyelash falls out? No

Shooting star? Nah

Birthday candles? Nope

Dandelion? Uh-huh

Penny in a fountain? no way

11:11? Seriously?

Wishbone? Puhlease!

Why? Well! When I was around six years old I started noticing that my wishes never came true. That Damned Mrs Beasley doll I never got! ( Which the little girl carried around on the tv show that made me want to grow up and live in an apartment with an elevator) So, I started to think that God was punishing me for “ wishing” rather than “praying.” I never wished again. Never. I close my eyes,when I blow out a candle, for just long enough that I could have wished, but I don’t.

Is that not the sorriest of all the sorry stories I’ve ever told, and there have been many sorry stories!!

Will I ever wish again? Do you think I WANT to go to hell? Are you nuts?

Probably not.

There you go! Something I haven’t written about before!

Wanna know another one? I’m on a roll!!

My om has a name in which I tried to get everyone to call her Sonny. It wouldn’t stick. To this day she’s pissed that it didn’t. She likes it. Then again, it does allow my Amelia to call Om, Mo-Mo who is changing slowly into just plain Mo and how cute is that?!

I’m sure I have more stored away but they must be dished out slowly.

Two weeks ago my dad’s wife emailed me saying that she was going to get a copy of my dad’s will emailed to her (?) and then she’d forward a copy to me and her daughter. Uh, ok. Well, I bet you can not guess what’s coming next......

I never got one. Ok! You guessed it. I emailed her again tonight, again as politely as humanly possible without actually kissing her on the mouth and inquired about the will and her health and such. I “think” there’s just six months to get me the info and we are coming up on that... my brain can’t even process that.

Let’s hope, rather than wish, that she gets on it, shall we?

Ok, have to go.

Night, Luvs

This:

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CEpeKdHHBPK/?igshid=p12k5tk0gfk0