My bad.....
I hate feeling like I use this to talk about things I don’t really want to say out loud and “bother” people but, it’s a diary, right? It’s for hashing things out?
My kidneys aren’t getting better. In fact, I took a little ride in the ambulance because the pain in my kidneys had me soooo sick and I could not walk without feeling like the air was being sucked out of me.
I have a culture growing little bacteria babies so I can kill them with my two hands. In the meantime my urologist thing is a cluster fuck and the new guy? I called him at 4pm because my old/current guy will not tell me what my results are because his office is like a dairy farm. Move one in move one out and repeat all day long.
The new guy....... screamed at me for “calling after hours” (4pm?) Thursday they close at noon I guess so I got a fucking lashing like you would not believe. Like, my inner child cane out at the guy said things like “ is that clear enough for you?” “ your case is too much. Do you not GET that?!” “ hello? Anyone home??” I’m not taking you. You called after hours. Do you even know what after hours means??? Should I make it even clearer? Don’t call me again!!! Am I clear?
To which my inner child could only say...”Yes, your a big baby throwing a tantrum”
But I am numb. I get numb when I’m embarrassed. It embarrassed me to be belittled. It hit me in all the right buttons. It made me shut up and crawl into my shell and feel sick. It made my inner child hear my mother’s voice and it paralyzed me.
Like if I see it coming, I’m good. If I know there’s a good chance, I’m good. If it’s not a doctor who had been so comforting and calm, I got sucker punched. Never let your guard down. How many times do I need to learn that. Is that THE lesson I’m supposed to take from this life? Hold your cards close to your chest. Period.
My husband called him like I’m a child and it went in an unexpected direction. He was calm with my husband. Oh, I was frustrated( Ya, walk a mile in my shoes, buddy, bet ya can’t) and oh, if you agree that it’s water under the bridge she can call tomorrow and speak with my receptionist ( his wife) and she will get her in!!
Abuser. If he will speak to me like that imagine what it’s like for his wife whom I assume he says he loves. Or his kids.
Only 35 uro-gyns in the whole country once per year.... don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything.....
Ya you do.
Besides that. I have a post that I’ve been sitting on for over a week. It’s raw. It’s probably gonna make me look shitty. It’s honest. Maybe hurtful. It’s past time.
And I don’t know what to do about it.
Have to go.
Drink coffee, watch a doc, chew ice, stay in my shell.
Night
Me
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