AT LEAST IS WAS ONLY THE SECOND WORST TEST..

FIRST:

My om is doing as well as she can be. We know not to get too comfortable with that though so she’s doing as little as possible. She’s more worried about potentially having lung or heart damage. I wish I could help her with those fears but....

YM tested negative.

Om’s husband and baby tested negative but they’ve been in lockdown with her for a week now so they’ll get retested.

The pharmacy that did om’s test doesn’t report positive tests to the health department. It’s a family owned pharmacy. Wanting to keep the numbers down. TEXAS. 

Ironically the reason that we canceled Christmas was because the girls refused to wear a mask in my house.......

Second:

I had to have some testing done at the hospital today. I feel irritated that I was forced to go to a full hospital ( COVID-19 patients) to have this test done or my doc wouldn’t prescribe me my medications anymore. Like, maybe less irritated and more, fucking pissed.

So, if you don’t want to know the details of this test, now is the time to click out........

Here we go, buckle up.... Let me start by telling you that the x-ray tech was describing this test to me when I broke in and said “ So most humiliating test ever?” And she, dead faced, replies “ no, there’s one more that’s even worse” I laughed so hard! Well, thank God that there’s ONE test that’s even worse!

Now, we’re going.... you lay on the x-ray table. Naked under a gown. You get a catheter and they hook that to a bottle of contrast and pour it into your bladder, then another until you, literally, can’t take anymore. All the while x-rays are constantly being taken. Then you tip to the right and to the left and then......they pull out a platform at the end of the table. You scoot down until your feet are flat. They put this container between your thighs, up high, you hold it there, they screw handles to the bed and stand you up like Frankenstein’s Monster and...... tell you to pee while they take x-rays. 

Just let that set in for awhile. 

To lighten the mood I said “ I want my money back. This ride sucks”

Not surprisingly, I could not pee. BUT! That didn’t mean that the ride was over.... No! I started shaking and eked out.....

“Shit( realizing there is nothing holding me to the table and in front of me is a brand new, million dollar x-ray machine) I’m going to fa.... boom, I’m out. I wake up and the nurse is holding me while doc lowers the x-ray bed and as he asks me if I’m ok, I faint again. I wake up by an alcohol swab under my nose, my blood pressure being taken and my pulse/ox.

I hear... “ Call an ER doc, now!” 

I whisper.... it’s ok.... I faint....

He was worried I was having a heart attack because of how high my blood pressure was...

I whisper.... No one from the ER. I’m fine... Give me a second... You’re giving me a panic attack...

He says, your bladder pinches a blood vessel and that caused you to faint..... which explains why I always faint on my way to the bathroom! 

The rest is, well, let’s just say, I’ve had better days. My husband came in and my go to self soothing method is to put my hands over my eyes so he knew it wasn’t great and tears were streaming from my eyes into my mask.

I can truly say that I do everything possible to help me get better. I’m not a pussy.

As the doc leaves he says “Get that anxiety under control”

I replied:

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

As we get into the car I bragged about how many CC’s of fluid I took and that I probably could have taken more. My husband gave me a look so I said “ That’s what your mom said”

He cracked up and said “ Yet another story I can’t tell anyone!”

But I’ll tell complete strangers. That’s the difference between us. I’ve used all my fuck bucks up. 

I hope you feel better about your lives.

What I wish for you this new year:

Long walks

Holding hands

Butterfly kisses

Warm socks 

A crackling fire

Good wine

A wink

A walk down memory lane

Pleasant dreams

Smiles

Love that tattoos your soul

Me

Click on this link!!!! You won’t be mad!!

https://youtu.be/jwtkZ7oTv1o

Covid

 My OM has COVID-19. She has asthma. She has a six month old child. Her husband has a co-Morbidity.

My YM, who lives there during the week, is getting tested Thursday. Her boyfriend has Crohn’s disease. 

I’m very worried.

Me 

Monday Night

 I feel like I can breathe easier in two ways.

One, my lungs. Something seems to have kickstarted them into beginning to heal. I’ve been taking the zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D and melatonin like the hospital told me too and just in the nick of time, I think they started holding up my immune system. How about that?!

Do I faint still? Well, ya, but less often!! And my voice is less, well, raspy might not be the right word, less like someone who smokes 12 packs of cigarettes per day and chases them down with the cheapest whiskey possible. All good news.

And, if my sign was actually my sign, then the mother has read my message, not berated me and at the, absolute very least, has heard my voice. 

That was the last piece. It’s been nagging at me for decades. I feel as though a small little cage has been opened in my soul to make room for something happy. 

Thank goodness for signs and for those who send them. 

It’s nearly Christmas. It feels off this year. My girls will not be here. My father has not called or sent his gifts. There are minefields surrounding some relationships. I have difficulty finding the line where things should and should not be posted. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m pretty much open to disclosing just about everything. I’m like that. Ask me a personal question and I WILL answer! Chatty Kathy. This one has me perplexed though. Aren’t you glad that I brought it up?!

Anyway!!!!! Thanksgiving was perfect. The husband had four days off and we had zero company. We literally slept when we wanted, ate when we wanted at all hours of the night and day. We watched Christmas movies until our eyes blurred and I sat in the comfort of my own home while Christmas shopping my butt off. It was peaceful and warm and felt like a cozy blanket. Christmas will be the same. No schedules. Not timelines. No stress. It will be lovely regardless of the strangeness.

Have to go,

Me

Ok, one of my very favorite, non religious, Christmas songs:

2020 sucks

 My daughter in law has Covid. My son and grandson will be tested Saturday.

She is immunocomprimised and never leaves the house. It came to her via a friend or family member, both also have Covid. 

We’re not getting together for Christmas. There is so much more that I’d like to write about that but, I’ll sit on that idea for a bit. 

As I do every December, I’m deep diving into ballet documentaries that have to do with THE NUTCRACKER BALLET. I’m watching one produced by Ron Howard, which is unexpected. I know that I must have been a ballerina in a previous life. I just love how beautiful ballet is. 

There ya go. Holiday Joy in a pandemic. My fave.

Tracy

Garth

 Many many months ago I said that I wanted to go through my playlist and put a lyric or two of a song up here and explain why that lyric made me need the song in my life. 

There are many reasons why a song reaches out and takes hold of us. Maybe the song was playing on a dusty jukebox in a dark bar when your eyes met his or when you caught him cheating or when he whispered “ I love you” 

Maybe you were driving with the windows down on a cool summer night, your hair whipping around your face, your heart pounding as you laughed and that song was playing.

Maybe you had your heart broken and that song, sung by a raspy voiced lead singer belted out the words like “I hate everything about you!” And your friends played it for you to make you scream out the lyrics to mend your heart, strengthen your soul.

Maybe on a spring day you and your friends gathered in the street in front of your house to play frisbee  while 70’s rock boomed from the stereo speakers on your porch and you drank cheap beer and had piggyback rides and swapped taunts about whose side would win and now those songs take you back and you can feel the sun on your face, the warm breeze, the pure joy.

Maybe there are days where you just need a good cry and there’s a few words strung together with a melody that touches you where you’ve been hurt deep inside and in its own, painful way, it helps to easy the ache inside. 

Maybe there’s a song that just can not help dancing too with a lyric that you won’t be able to get out of your head

We’re gonna be talking about those tear jerker, dance inducing, sing as loud as you can, shower concert, funny, sad, encouraging, memory makers of the soundtrack of my life, Baby! 

These are chosen at random and today’s, my God, if there’s a human alive whom this song doesn’t squeeze at their heart, they kick puppies. 

AND NOW I’M GLAD I DIDN’T KNOW, THE WAY IT ALL WOULD END,THE WAY IT ALL WOULD GO. OUR LIVES ARE BETTER LEFT TO CHANCE, I COULD HAVE MISSED THE PAIN, BUT I’D HAVE HAD TO MISS, THE..... DANCE....

Tracy

Lungs

Are they really needed?

I’m getting worse. My lungs, struggling with the added burden of asthma. When I stand the room spins. Doc says I might need to go back into the hospital. 

I’m a warrior. I’m a warrior. My lungs are fighting hard. 

I’m starting steroids again. I should stay in a hotel for the wellbeing of my loved ones. I get a tiny bit grouchy. The joy. 

See ya soon.

Me

Written on my phone. Best of luck to ya.

Hoping

I don’t know if his mother read the message I sent through FB Messenger or not. I wish there was some way to know. Just a sign of some sort. Like I said, I do not want to hear any anger or blame or excuses or denials. I won’t. It is difficult not to know if I’ve at least been heard.

On to some news, and this one is really good!!!!!

I’ve taken my Fluffy Chick Blog down because I’ve been asked to. By whom, you might ask. I can’t say but it’s very exciting!!!!! A very large corporation has a contest for documentaries. The winners in different categories will have theirs shown by the corporation plus a few prizes and some funding for another documentary. 

I sent an application, along with a very short, 30 second, video, to give some visual context and....... It’s been accepted!!!!!!!!

The downside.... I have to fund it myself, but so does everyone and they’ve given ideas for fundraising and crowd funding. It has to be filmed with one camera or smart phone, no fancy stuff, which is fine, I’d be lost, I have to steel myself to go down a dark path.

I’m doing mine on sexual assault/ molestation/ rape by female caregivers. Particularly my experience, but to share that it’s not shameful to say that the person who molested you as a child, was your mother, sister, babysitter, teacher. That women can and do groom victims and that there is not a box that sexual abuse fits in. I didn’t know that what my mother did was “ abuse” because I thought it wasn’t possible for a woman, a mother, to do that, I guess. I know that men and women are much less likely to report abuse by a female caregiver. Men especially. With songs like Sexy and 17, Hot for Teacher, I love Rock and Roll, Don’t Stand so Close to Me etc...... It’s clear that in our society, men are suppose to see what would otherwise be called sexual abuse and child molestation as them being “Lucky”

I want to interview people from my life and ask if they felt groomed or felt anything wrong about what my mother convinced them to do to me? 

Which is tricky for several reasons.... one, me seeing or hearing them and what that could feel like and two, telling them that by all standards, they too were sexually abused for the satisfaction of my mother. “Good morning! Hey, just real quick here, has it occurred to you that you’re a sexual abuse victim? No, Cool. No, you don’t need therapy now, I’m sure you’re fine. Ok then, how do you feel about being the instrument of which my mother used to molestation me?”

 That’s a difficult conversation.

It’s hard that my dad has passed. I’d definitely interview him. He had very harsh feelings about what happened and I’d like for him to explain how she groomed ( and likely had sex with at least one person) how my dad’s gut feeling was that something was wrong but he never thought that women could abuse, plus she kept us warring with each other so that we’d never be close enough for me to confide in.

And Cheryl and Doug. I’d like their insight on if they could feel something different in me. Or if when they were told they could see the relationship between my mother and I in a different light. Or did I hide it very well? 

Anyway!!! There’s soooo much and I’m desperately excited to get started!! I just need to stop getting kidney infections, sepsis and be able to breathe! It’s a short list, right?????

No, I won’t win, but even so, I’ll put it on YouTube after all is said and done and it might reach people who need to see it.

Ok, luvs, hugs and mistletoe and snowflakes and hot cocoa with marshmallows and maybe some Baileys or Brandy!

Me

Last Christmas

 Last Christmas was the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Ya, in 52 years. All my children ( except the oldest. Hopefully someday!) were hear with their partners and children, spending the night Christmas Eve, which I loved!! We played games, had a White Elephant exchange and laughed and laughed. Christmas morning was all about making waffles with a bunch of toppings to choose from and the kids and grandkids enjoyed that so much that not one person asked to open gifts. I bought the BEST gifts last year, if I do say so myself, and it was lovely!!! Buffet dinner at our house, relaxed and enjoyable. No stress at all.

I’m glad we had it because this year could be much different!! It’s a perfect memory. Grab those when they come along.

Questions and answers:

1) how are you feeling? Tired. If you can breathe, take a moment to be glad about that! I stood up yesterday, I was on the phone with Robb, all I had time to say was... Shit, I think I’m gonna......boom. Down on the wood floor. Really cracked my knees and forehead. Scared the shite out of Robb who called OM instead of my husband because he was flustered and then Om called her dad to tell him to wake up and scoop me off the floor, which he did. On the flip side, this mega medication that quite literally turns to poison in the urinary tract seems to be helping my kidneys to resist infections. Shhhh don’t tell anyone or you’ll jinx it.

2) what’s your favorite Christmas Song? I’m super old fashioned about that. Having grown up in the church, I love Christmas Hymns. Oh Come All Ye Faithful, It Came Upon a Midnight Clear( ps: if you ever get the chance to see the movie of the same name, not religious, it’s excellent), God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman etc.... I sang Silent Night to all my babies, long after they were babies, whenever they were hurt or scared or sick....

3 what’s on your Christmas list this year?  As I always say, I’m terrible at giving ideas for gifts. I did put down a recently released Brahmin bag and matching wallet. It looks like confetti and mardi gras and happiness. Umm.... Kate Spade, rather, her company, did a shoe collab with Keds and I want a pair. I save things to add to my list.... Oh! A James Avery ring. A few other things. Nothing shocking.

4) what’s your favorite gift that you’re giving this year? Two things!! Both I had made. I bought the girls these tiny skull necklaces that read “ We’re more than sisters. More like a really small gang” and through the generations of my family going back to Germany 200 years ago, when my great etc grandfather invented a board game, each generation gets one passed down. I sent a photo of mine to a man on Etsy and asked if he could make two. Fancy them up, use nice wood, stain them etc and I’m giving one to om and a new one to my husband who has been drooling over getting a new one made. I had one made for the oldest boy last year.  I’m excited!

5) I’ve noticed that you haven’t been on your channel. Are you stopping? No. I just have a difficult time breathing through a long video. I’ve done two podcasts to see how I’m doing and it’s not been great. Soon though!! 

Ok, I have to go. Bed is calling. 

Night,

Tracy

I sent it

 I hope it’s understood that there was one other person who held the key in their hand and could have stopped the abuse, the rubbing up against me, the sexual assault. The harassment and disgusting groping and moaning that I endured and that person was his mother who witnessed it and turned a blind eye except to worry about herself being sued for the sexual harassment that I lived with day after day.

I’m 52. She’s 73-74? It’s past time or it might never be able to be said. 

I wrote a letter to his mother and sent it via Facebook.

I don’t want to hear back. I don’t want a reply. I don’t want guilt thrown my way or excuses. I just need to say what it felt like to have her know and do nothing to help me.

Me

You might want to skip this crazy one.

 

Still fainting. Lungs burning. I’m not a brain surgeon but I am quick enough to find this to be abnormal. Doc says that with my asthma being a factor it will likely take my lungs more time to heal.... But, what if not? I’m still a little mushy in the brain too and some people have been suffering for months. Science says symptoms could be lifelong and include lung damage. 

This is the stuff that fills my thoughts when it’s quiet. This and my long term memory is sharp as a tack! I’ve been looking over my life. What will I leave as my mark on this planet? Imagining what life would have been like had I turned left rather than right. Made different choices and how my choices, and my parent’s choices and their parent’s choices, lead us to where we are today. That my choices will influence the lives of generations of people long after anyone remembers me. Being that I love history, that’s interesting to me these days.

And if anyone had told me when I was 14 or 15 that my father’s passing would knock me for a loop I would have literally laughed. We weren’t close then or for quite a long time after and we didn’t even like each other. So much changed and with my health shit and a pandemic and an election, I don’t think I’ve had time to process it well. I feel like a large part of the grieving process was stuffed down to keep my head above water. Now it been nearly NINE MONTHS. How is that possible? I haven’t put his ashes in the necklace his wife gave me. I still think to call him every day. I hallucinatedly ( yes, I made that word up. It’s ok) asked my husband to tell my dad that I was in the hospital, which was actually during one of the times I realized that I was even IN the hospital rather than our old house. Good times!! Rather than remind me of my dad’s passing my husband agreed to tell him and I hung up so he could make the call.  Loop, it’s knocked me for a loop. I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Him and my mother, in their 20’s, happy, I’m blissfully unaware of the storm brewing in my mother’s brain. There are very few good memories that involve my mother so I think I go back there or they come to me from there. My dad tells me that everything I worry about here is pointless when you die. He says not to waste time in it. The test is to move through it. It will all fall away. I wake my husband up calling for my dad with my hand outstretched. 

Two nights ago I was dreaming that I was at my house in Spokane. I walked across the street to see Doug, aware that I was dreaming. But I had to step over syringes and the needles stuck into my bare feet. My mind reaching bad to include that he’d died from a heroin overdose. I knocked on his open door and he called out, “ Hey, Trace! Come in, I’ve missed you” I sat in “ my chair” and we talked. I admonished him for being so fucking stupid. He said that he became addicted to pain pills after his back surgery and when he couldn’t get anymore, someone offered him the drug and he regretted it. 

So deep, these dreams, and yet, I’d never had that thought before so how was it coming to me in a dream? Weird. Is it possible to experience actually talking to a dead loved one? I don’t feel like it is.... but it’s so freaking real. 

For the record, no, that’s not my mind being mushy. My brain is mushy in the way that words escape me. 

Anyway, on that odd note. I have to go.

Night luvs,

Me

First Day of Christmas

 

First day of the Advent calendar. This is our second year doing them and I’m ridiculously excited about small little gifts every day until Christmas. I searched all year long for ones that we’d like. I got a L’Occitane one for me and one with Jerky from around the world for the boy and one from a chocolatier in Colorado that has 25 different handmade chocolates. I want that one too. I found it after I purchased mine. It’s simply stunning. 

How’s that? Start off with the good.

Also, drowning in Hallmark movies and I love it.

Thanksgiving was..... well, difficult. YM is living with OM as her nanny so they celebrated together and I couldn’t risk being around anyone. I still have symptoms so, best to just be smart. There will be others.

And, my dad is gone. Really gone. I have a voicemail from him on last thanksgiving and he says “ Happy thanksgiving! I love you”

I sent it to all my kids and my stepsister. 

I’m slowly on the mend. Not allowed to walk yet and the steroids are causing all kinds of fun things. 

I can’t do my art but I got a pencil for my iPad so I can draw and my husband is making a table so I can work on my penny art ( which is soooo beautiful) without sitting at the bar on a stool so I don’t faint and crack my head open. 

I was able to take weeks off of politics. It’s been really nice, except for the Covid thing, of course. I like it so much that I might keep it up. It’s easier to heal without all the stress. 

Ok, have to go, Luvs

Me

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