Hoping
I don’t know if his mother read the message I sent through FB Messenger or not. I wish there was some way to know. Just a sign of some sort. Like I said, I do not want to hear any anger or blame or excuses or denials. I won’t. It is difficult not to know if I’ve at least been heard.
On to some news, and this one is really good!!!!!
I’ve taken my Fluffy Chick Blog down because I’ve been asked to. By whom, you might ask. I can’t say but it’s very exciting!!!!! A very large corporation has a contest for documentaries. The winners in different categories will have theirs shown by the corporation plus a few prizes and some funding for another documentary.
I sent an application, along with a very short, 30 second, video, to give some visual context and....... It’s been accepted!!!!!!!!
The downside.... I have to fund it myself, but so does everyone and they’ve given ideas for fundraising and crowd funding. It has to be filmed with one camera or smart phone, no fancy stuff, which is fine, I’d be lost, I have to steel myself to go down a dark path.
I’m doing mine on sexual assault/ molestation/ rape by female caregivers. Particularly my experience, but to share that it’s not shameful to say that the person who molested you as a child, was your mother, sister, babysitter, teacher. That women can and do groom victims and that there is not a box that sexual abuse fits in. I didn’t know that what my mother did was “ abuse” because I thought it wasn’t possible for a woman, a mother, to do that, I guess. I know that men and women are much less likely to report abuse by a female caregiver. Men especially. With songs like Sexy and 17, Hot for Teacher, I love Rock and Roll, Don’t Stand so Close to Me etc...... It’s clear that in our society, men are suppose to see what would otherwise be called sexual abuse and child molestation as them being “Lucky”
I want to interview people from my life and ask if they felt groomed or felt anything wrong about what my mother convinced them to do to me?
Which is tricky for several reasons.... one, me seeing or hearing them and what that could feel like and two, telling them that by all standards, they too were sexually abused for the satisfaction of my mother. “Good morning! Hey, just real quick here, has it occurred to you that you’re a sexual abuse victim? No, Cool. No, you don’t need therapy now, I’m sure you’re fine. Ok then, how do you feel about being the instrument of which my mother used to molestation me?”
That’s a difficult conversation.
It’s hard that my dad has passed. I’d definitely interview him. He had very harsh feelings about what happened and I’d like for him to explain how she groomed ( and likely had sex with at least one person) how my dad’s gut feeling was that something was wrong but he never thought that women could abuse, plus she kept us warring with each other so that we’d never be close enough for me to confide in.
And Cheryl and Doug. I’d like their insight on if they could feel something different in me. Or if when they were told they could see the relationship between my mother and I in a different light. Or did I hide it very well?
Anyway!!! There’s soooo much and I’m desperately excited to get started!! I just need to stop getting kidney infections, sepsis and be able to breathe! It’s a short list, right?????
No, I won’t win, but even so, I’ll put it on YouTube after all is said and done and it might reach people who need to see it.
Ok, luvs, hugs and mistletoe and snowflakes and hot cocoa with marshmallows and maybe some Baileys or Brandy!
Me
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