Still fainting. Lungs burning. I’m not a brain surgeon but I am quick enough to find this to be abnormal. Doc says that with my asthma being a factor it will likely take my lungs more time to heal.... But, what if not? I’m still a little mushy in the brain too and some people have been suffering for months. Science says symptoms could be lifelong and include lung damage.
This is the stuff that fills my thoughts when it’s quiet. This and my long term memory is sharp as a tack! I’ve been looking over my life. What will I leave as my mark on this planet? Imagining what life would have been like had I turned left rather than right. Made different choices and how my choices, and my parent’s choices and their parent’s choices, lead us to where we are today. That my choices will influence the lives of generations of people long after anyone remembers me. Being that I love history, that’s interesting to me these days.
And if anyone had told me when I was 14 or 15 that my father’s passing would knock me for a loop I would have literally laughed. We weren’t close then or for quite a long time after and we didn’t even like each other. So much changed and with my health shit and a pandemic and an election, I don’t think I’ve had time to process it well. I feel like a large part of the grieving process was stuffed down to keep my head above water. Now it been nearly NINE MONTHS. How is that possible? I haven’t put his ashes in the necklace his wife gave me. I still think to call him every day. I hallucinatedly ( yes, I made that word up. It’s ok) asked my husband to tell my dad that I was in the hospital, which was actually during one of the times I realized that I was even IN the hospital rather than our old house. Good times!! Rather than remind me of my dad’s passing my husband agreed to tell him and I hung up so he could make the call. Loop, it’s knocked me for a loop. I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Him and my mother, in their 20’s, happy, I’m blissfully unaware of the storm brewing in my mother’s brain. There are very few good memories that involve my mother so I think I go back there or they come to me from there. My dad tells me that everything I worry about here is pointless when you die. He says not to waste time in it. The test is to move through it. It will all fall away. I wake my husband up calling for my dad with my hand outstretched.
Two nights ago I was dreaming that I was at my house in Spokane. I walked across the street to see Doug, aware that I was dreaming. But I had to step over syringes and the needles stuck into my bare feet. My mind reaching bad to include that he’d died from a heroin overdose. I knocked on his open door and he called out, “ Hey, Trace! Come in, I’ve missed you” I sat in “ my chair” and we talked. I admonished him for being so fucking stupid. He said that he became addicted to pain pills after his back surgery and when he couldn’t get anymore, someone offered him the drug and he regretted it.
So deep, these dreams, and yet, I’d never had that thought before so how was it coming to me in a dream? Weird. Is it possible to experience actually talking to a dead loved one? I don’t feel like it is.... but it’s so freaking real.
For the record, no, that’s not my mind being mushy. My brain is mushy in the way that words escape me.
Anyway, on that odd note. I have to go.
Night luvs,
Me
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