SOME STUFF

 I’ve decided to leave the post I wrote yesterday in its file for now. I can be so depressing sometimes. 

On a bright note, I have full blown insomnia. Now, as someone who thrives in the dark, this is especially difficult because as soon as the sun rises my brain also kicks over into anxiety about how many hours of sleep I’ll get if I fall asleep in a half hour, and that goes on and on and then I’ll get about 3 hours and my body thinks, well, it’s time to get up! Sorry that you’re living on 2-3 hours of shitty sleep!

I’ve never experienced this version before, so, that’s exciting! 

Then came the antibiotics. I have a kidney infection, ya, shocking, I know, so I’m on the black box antibiotics and they make me sleep..... For an eternity.

Here’s how I set myself up for bed, this is thrilling stuff, I have a super soft blanket under my comforter, I don’t like the flannel sheet so I push it aside. I wrap my pillow in another super soft blanket, I hold another supper soft blanket like a body pillow and place my Uber soft electric blanket along the bottom of the bed to keep my feet warm. That is my sleep burrito. 

I took my antibiotics and fell into the deepest, soundest, softest blanket sleep I have possibly ever had. Bliss, I’d gone weeks without good sleep. Imagine that. Cozy, surrounded by cloud blankets, warm feet..... Ah..... 

And then it happens.....

“mom?” 

“Mom?”

“MOM”

“ What’s the Netflix password? Miya needs it so we can watch a movie with me here and her and (boyfriend) at their house”

I was in such a deep sleep that I couldn’t figure out what Netflix was!

I swear, I have karma that is currently kicking my ass.

Random:

Edmond Oklahoma. My boys vb club practices there. My husband and son lived there in an apartment for nearly two years while I coached in the Falls, the boy would travel down for my games and when I didn’t have games I’d go up there and we’d travel to tournaments . In fact, if anyone remembers the time I nearly got arrested for trespassing and narrowly escaped getting hit by a train, I was in Edmond when the police contacted me.

The US training center has the boy go to OKC to see the specialist and we stay in Edmond to hang with his coaches. I was there within the last few weeks.

Humidity is a bitch. People think that southwestern states have a dry heat, they are very wrong. 

So close and yet so far away. Could have flown down to my island to shop and eat. It’s fantastic here. Maybe someday. 

And next time I write I’ll talk about the results of a biopsy that was taken from the boy and how freaking awesome science is.

Night,

Me

Tonight

 I’ll write tonight. I had a whole post written and, as I sometimes do, I decided against posting it.

It was brilliant too. Funny and engaging.... Or maybe painfully honest and raw.

Have to go

I’ll write about Edmond Ok as well.

Tracy

SOME THINGS.....

 1) There’s a cookie store just a hop skip and jump from our home and they completely change flavors every week. They only sell about 6 flavors every week, which is genius marketing because it causes one to think “ I should get the new flavor on Monday in case I love it and want it again before Sunday “ they are closed on Sundays. Everyone in my Texas located family lives by one and I’m positive that I’m going to have to start up 12 step meetings. You literally have to stand in an hour line on saturdays. 

2) I self medicate with Shark Tank. Seriously. But I have to be like REALLY DOWN to turn to it so I never watch just to watch. I save them for emergency.  Why is it so relaxing to see the hopes and dreams of people be flushed down the toilet? 

3) Mere of Easttown.... Have you watched it? I love it. It reminds me of the British Crime Dramas that I love so much.

4) I was having my ass kicked by panic attacks last night so I finally broke down and took one of my sleep medications that hasn’t worked before but I was desperate. Guess what? Not only did it work but I had to pencil in hours and hours of sleep. Oh, and the sleep? Well this is this stuff that makes me talk in my sleep... my husband put on headphones while I happily wen tripping down the tripping trail talking about all kinds of things, example: I held a class on how to haul those huge oil pipes. My husband said that I had a pretty good grasp on it too. Also, Fairies. 

5) I’ve been making digital art for my Etsy shop. I have no idea what is going on in my brain but it just wants to be creative in so many different ways. I love it. I put my AirPods in and just zone out to music and art. Best therapy I’ve ever tried. These are difficult days for me but the art really lifts me into a feeling of peace. I REALLY want to try pottery but that’s not really an option in my studio apt! 

Ok, have to go... Update, no. I haven’t heard from oldest son or oldest daughter and my art is really helping as an outlet.

Love,

Me

WHAT IS THE LESSON?

 You know, some religions believe that you’re here to learn a lesson and if you don’t learn it the easy way then it just gets harder and harder.... Like the three little pigs.... You learn it until your house falls down and hopefully by the time you’re wrapping up your stay here you’ll be in the brick house boiling the lesson in a pot in the fireplace.

Apparently, I’m not getting my lesson and my house keeps being blown down.

Right now I’m my life, forgetting the health stuff for awhile, I’m dealing with my oldest son and his demon. Pray that your child never marries someone so unlikable that you’d rather cut your hair by fire than be exposed to their hateful personality, and now a new one......

My oldest daughter and I have gone through rough times. Not gonna lie. She’s always been “ extra” but when she gave birth to my love, Lincoln, she’s been more.... Mellow. It really seemed to take the edge off of her personality. Now, do we still get our horns stuck together, probably twice a year and it seems to be a rule that one of those times is in November. I have no idea why.

Ok.... for the last couple of months she’s been tough to enjoy. For several reasons that don’t need to be listed but she has Tourette’s, if you don’t know her, you can’t tell, but every couple of years she gets a particularly harsh tic. RAGE. It cycles in and it takes nearly two months to cycle out. 

The target of this rage is always me. I acknowledge it, she acknowledges it and when she’s cycling out she’ll admit that it’s me that she takes it out on because it’s me that will take it. Not her dad, or husband or siblings or children, or friends... You get the idea. Most other adults would just walk away from the verbal abuse. I’m the punching bag and I have literally been the PUNCHING bag. In fact, that’s why we made her move out, there was an incident when I was still in bed recovering from a major surgery.

Last week she ramped up. These days I just hang up when she starts in but she sounded different and I was worried so I asked this:” Are you ok? Is there something I need to know? Do you need help?” And the universe exploded into tiny shards of furious rage. She was furious that I was being “ condescending” how dare I ask if she was ok, like she’s crazy or something. She lost her mind over my new Tiffany’s bracelet, why, you ask, I have NO idea but it set her off in fury. Yes, that is strange, unusual, uncalled for and off the reservation compared to her “NORMAL” rage , which is what prompted me to ask if she was ok.

She called her dad and read him the riot act, and THAT, has NEVER happened before. He got a really good idea of what I deal with..... During the conversation with her dad she told him that she would not see or speak with us unless I apologized for asking if she was ok and therefor disrespecting her. Her dad said...  “Don’t hold your breath” and she said “ Fine, then you can’t see the grandkids either” she’s also blocked us from seeing pictures of them.

WTF did I do in a previous life? Did I eat babies? Drown kittens? Burn crosses?

How is this situation supposed to be dealt with? My doctor says to remove any and all ways used to “ punish” me... if they use no contact then don’t answer when they do call. Then only text. If they refuse to give gifts on Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas, then tell them that we will not participate in any type of gift exchange. If we want to give a gift then avoid birthdays and holidays and tell them to do the same, so they can’t punish me. If they use the grandkids, and this is the one that will kill me, then pull away from them. Become less emotionally attached with my children and theirs. Arms length. That way my children won’t feel that it will do any good to weaponize the grandkids. 

I get all of that and she’s right. If a toddler hits you with a wooden spoon, you take it away, I get it. But I love my grand babies so much. And it’s fucking shit that my Amelia was suppose to spend last weekend with us. She’s willing to hurt them to hurt me and that is as low down as it gets. 

How the fuck did I raise my fucking mother when I did everything possible to be the exact opposite? Kind, calm, understanding, supportive, open to any discussion anywhere, non punitive, non judgemental, instill them with pride, bravery, loyalty etc.... 

What is the lesson that I didn’t learn when dealing with my mother that I having to deal with it again?

It’s really dark right now. I had a Tito’s iced tea last week and I was drunk... cheap date!! And it was great!! No worries.

Not really healthy to do that on the daily! 

I don’t know how to cope with the thoughts spinning in my head. The rotating emotions, pain, crying,  anger, hurt, rage, sadness, hate,  love, loss.... LOSS. 

On a side note.. I have a video conference with a publisher about my book. That could be good.

Thanks for trudging through this. I’m sure it’s been a bucket of laughs. My bad. Diary stuff is just shitty sometimes.

Tracy

This has been a week!

 The kind of week where you call your psychiatrist and she advices you to turn your phone off for three months to get rid of the “noise” AKA THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Impossible to implement in real life but she thinks a trauma therapist would be best for me. I feel like therapists make you rehash your shit in precise detail all over again and that in itself is.... Traumatic. Am I right? That’s why I believe, and don’t send me emails, please, that AA is a crock of shit. Sit around, tell your worst story for laughs every fucking meeting for 30 years? Honey, sweetie, you’re still an addict, you’re just addicted to meetings now...... Still hanging with the same crowd! Just smoking and drinking coffee. Still getting high of those memories and the memories of the newbies....... But, hey, that’s just me. What do I know, anyway? I’m just a two semester psychiatrist.

I won’t bore you with the details of the rollercoaster this week has been so far and it’s only Wednesday.

Except for this!

Saw my surgeon!! Most complicated, unhelpful situation so far. He, a uro-gyn surgeon, says it needs to be kicked up the food chain. HE can’t perform the surgery. Please help me. 

He did spend a lot of time trying to steer me away from suing my other surgeon who just happens to be his age ( 36.... wtf?!) And who also graduated from LSU.... Go Tigers!

And as a bonus, I had an exam.... a whopper of an exam. I have no pride left. I’m devoid of pride. An empty black hole is taking up the space where pride used to reside. What could be better than that?

I’m doing more and more art and it makes me happy! 

Have to go, there’s paint with my name on it!

Cattails!

Tracylynn

Surgeon

 I meet with a Uro-Gyn next week to discuss surgery. The procedure is called urethroplasty and it takes 3-6 hours to complete. If you have the stomach for gory things, look it up, cross your legs and pray this never happens to you. 

As far as it never happening,  this ONLY happens by severe injury either by something like slamming down on that lovely bar that’s on a bike or by injury during surgery. Guess who hasn’t slammed down on a metal bar lately? Ya. So whole other bridge that will need to be crossed. My former surgeon called me today to see how I’m doing. Keeping in touch etc....Someone also knows that I haven’t injured myself. 

However, as gruesome as this surgery is, basically building a new urethra from skin grafts, and needing a foley cath for at least 21 days, which is akin to torture, I’m so excited to get this done. To live without constant pain, which no one will medicate for lest you become a drug Addict ( my mind is exploding with this bullshit) is a huge factor in my depression. What if I start feeling..... Normal.... Holy shit! The things I’ll do! An unstoppable force of nature! Joy? 

Lovely. 

I have a post to write about a genetic test that USA Volleyball gave to my youngest to see if surgery would be a path to take, even with the middle of the road odds of being healed. It’s interesting.

My son is still not speaking to me. Is this not crazy AF?

I’m getting a gift this week!!! I’m so happy that I’m doing a happy dance!!! It’s my favorite Tiffany Bracelet that I’ve peeked in on and said hi to for several years. For some odd reason I never mentioned her to the husband until recently and he bought her for me!!! Ack!!!!!! 

I opened an Etsy shop for digital art and color pages. And I’ve started my new Penny Art project which is already gorgeous and ones similar but not as pretty as mine will be when finished are starting at about $400 per piece. I’ll put these pieces on my Etsy store as well. I’m really feeling the need to be creative outside of my box. Makes me a bit nervous but hey, it’s only a failure if you didn’t try... oh! And I’ve been crocheting all wool pot holders. They are fantastic and I’ll be crocheting a blanket for my YM for Christmas. She can’t sleep without a certain type of blanket in which she can intertwine her fingers between the yard. For, literally two decades, I’ve been buying them from consignment store so I’m going to take a little tiny square from her first baby blanket and crochet it into a new blanket for her. 

It’s very healing to find something to fill you up in some form of art. I listen to my music and just drown out everything else and it feels safe and pleasant.

Ok, that’s me for now.

Much love. I hope all you mothers are shown love and appreciation on Sunday just as you should be every day of the year.

Tracy

Ah, The Light....

 For the last several months the light has been shone on me every so often. It seems to correlate its timing just as I stomp my feet, stick out my bottom lip and think... That’s it! I’m going to stop looking for the light! I will not peek on Twitter and I will not spy on Instagram. Hrmph!!

And I don’t for a bit. Until that pull pulls at me and there’s the light. Congratulations on the girl child.  Nice article. 

It’s lovely to see your pride. It was nice to hear your pride a few weeks ago “Unbelievable. Did you see how hard she hit that?” Yes. 

It’s good to see your heart. I miss it.

Me