A NEW YEAR

 I know that in reality a new year starting doesn’t mean anything as far as change goes. That’s evident by how 2021 still sucked like 2020, we just got more used to the suck. But, I’m glad to see 2021 go by the wayside. It was rough and it started nine months ago. I don’t have high hopes that this year will go much differently, as far as the situation with my kids goes, and I don’t want to have any expectations either.

In all honesty, I just can’t see a path to things ever being “OK” again. I can’t trust the people that my children are or their actions. Who takes away grandkids unless there is danger? It’s just so fucking low.  For God’s sake, even I didn’t do that,  and I would have had every right to do so. 

We sent 12 gifts to my daughter’s children and each and every one was returned. How is there a path to “ OK” when she’s perfectly willing to emotionally hurt and deprive her own children to hurt me? I could, maybe, understand it if she had a reason but she doesn’t. It’s the craziest part of all this. There’s no reason. There’s no injustice. And any tiny thing I was given as a reason, she was upset because when she was 16 I told her that her raging attitude would drive people away, friends, boys etc, I apologized for by saying that I didn’t know that it had hurt her, rather than being truthful so that she could see why people were leaving. It makes no difference if I had a reason for saying it. We’ve always told them that what matters is that if someone says it was hurtful that you acknowledge their pain. Yet, here we are. Have I been a PERFECT parent, I don’t think that anyone is, but I’ve been a damn good mother. I know that deep in my heart. My children have never been silenced or not heard. They’ve always known that they can say anything or express any feelings they have without fear of getting into “ trouble” They’ve always been told that they can tell me anything at all if they need help and I won’t judge them and believe me, they have used that time and again and time and again I have been true to my word. They know that they can truly TRUST in me… but here we are.

I get Jo-ry. He told my husband that his wife wants him to choose. She stirs up shit and for two years I have completely ignored it and not given in to her pushing for a fight. I did that for my son. I pretend like I don’t hear what she says, read what she writes, know that she’s instigating, but how the he’ll would I see a battle coming because I wrote in a family text that baby cereal, which she didn’t use, but Lincoln was coming into that age, had shards of iron in it. There was no way to see that she’d grab onto that to cause a rift. I’m not psychic. And that’s what that is about. Jo-ry has told my husband that he knows it’s crazy but she’s his wife. I, personally, don’t get how in a partnership you can’t say, listen, I need my family to get along, just be cordial for everyone’s sake. But here we are. They didn’t send the grandson’s gifts back but there also wasn’t any acknowledgment of them either.

How is there a path to “OK?” 

If they weren’t my family there’d be no question of ever speaking to them again. Betrayal is my line in the sand. My husband says that the line should include family, even if they are our children. He’s not interested in having a relationship with them or even the grandkids because he doesn’t want to love the babies and have them ripped away again. I get that. I understand it. I feel it too. I want my heart to do the same thing. I can’t ever let myself feel the same way about the grandkids. There has to be distancing without them recognizing it, but it needs to be done. I’m not sure that I can be anything but cordial to the adult children ever again and that sucks. 

Mentally, emotionally, psychologically, I’m at a much better place than last year by a long shot. When I stopped struggling and fighting for them to treat me like they love me, when I let go of hope and frustration and loss, when I stood back and asked “ what if this were simply any other relationship?”, I stopped drowning in the dark water. When my doctor referred to them as verbally and emotionally abusive, I stopped blaming myself for some intangible reason and started to understand that that is what it’s called. I stopped sinking and wanting to be dead. 

Does it weigh on me though? Of course. Emotions are slippery little fuckers and they weave in and out of my heart and mind. I could not do Christmas this year. ( with the exceptional break of vacation) I could not decorate. I could not bake. I could not dive headfirst into Christmas movies. I could not even finish my advent calendar. It felt like I was walking in concrete. 

I need a clean slate.

Next!

I didn’t have surgery. Too many Covid-19 cases for “ electives”

We didn’t go out on New Year’s Eve. Too many Covid cases to feel safe since I have an autoimmune disease. I’m boosted though so we might try this week, early before crowds.

I still have my midline in and it itches so bad!!! 

There’s my cheerful New Years post. Crossing fingers for a better year!!!

Me