Tornadoes

 April to June are terror filled months here in the south. It’s the one thing I hate more about Texas than Arizona and that’s pretty good that can I find one thing because I loathed Arizona every minute of every day. 

Last week I saw something that I’ve only seen twice, actually two things that I’ve only seen twice, the first was a vortex forming right above us. The sirens were going off, which chills me to the bone, and as I stood on my balcony looking at the weather radar we could see that the tornado was on the edge of Plano and I am blocks from the edge of Plano. It started to dissipate but the sky turned emerald green which is THE tell tale sign, if it’s light enough, that you need to get the fuck out, except it was green because the vortex was churning above us. My son said, it looks like the wind is blowing two directions, which caught my attention, I told him that’s how tornadoes form and sure as hell, the wind was whipping the clouds into a circular motion and a tunnel was beginning, the train sound started but I knew by the direction of the wind that by the time it was fully formed it wouldn’t be over us anymore. My balcony furniture started to pick up off of the balcony, the air felt thick and heavy, the green is intense and even though you can hear the beginnings of the train everything else was dead silent. The noisy little freshwater bayou was silent. Not one frog. Not one cricket. Silent. It’s Other worldly. 

I’ve lived here so long that I’m as good as any meteorologist at reading the radar. I dare say that many in the south are. It’s not something that I ever wanted to learn.

We had a tornado watch yesterday and it rained so hard that the visibility out our windows was zero. 

I’ve only seen the green and heard the train one other time and that was traveling back from Louisiana with the youngest boy. We were trapped in a restaurant. It had no interior walls except for the bathrooms and the kitchen. The windows were boarded up and people were running for the bathrooms and kitchen. First, both were on the outside wall where cars were parked. It was a season of Cat 5 storms. I knew that A) a car could be pushed through and B) There was loose cutlery in the kitchen that would rip a person apart. I got josh under an attached booth, turned a table over and pulled it in towards us to block debris. We were covered on all four sides but you’re not gonna live through a Cat 5. I put the boy under my shirt, pulled his arms and head out of the holes and had him cross his legs around me as I did the same to him. He silently spoke… Mom, please don’t let me go….I promised that I would not. I couldn’t call out or get calls in. I could only get texts out and I sent messages to my family. My husband helplessly watched the radar from hundreds of miles away as the color turned to purple. That’s the worst color for storms.

That tornado killed several people. It grazed us. My husband texted to tell me that there was another one coming, get the hell out and drive towards home to outrun it, which I did, pushing past several people who were telling me that I couldn’t leave, watch me, drove as fast as I could.

When I got out of my car at home my knees buckled and I fell down. My body had done its job and it couldn’t do one thing more. 

I need June to get here fast!

Tracy

Oh!

 I forgot to mention that my new ass kicking recliner was sent back to whence she came. Trying her in the store, she was Gorgeous and comfortable. The one that came here was gorgeous and hard as a rock. I mean, HARD. I couldn’t even sit in it. My husband left to go teach a Karate class, I tried everything in my power to like this chair. I wanted to like the chair. I put a pillow under me. Put something under my feet because the foot thing didn’t raise up enough (?) and when my husband came back up I just cried. I can’t like her. He sat in it to decide if we should keep it for him and then said “ This has to go back” we don’t have thousands of people to come sit in a chair to wear it in. It was here for five days. My husband sat in it. My son sat in it. Over and over and each time was like, damn it! It’s so great though if your ass didn’t feel like you’re sitting on concrete!

Today I bought a new one. Plus a mattress. Have I gotten a sofa yet? Nope. This is like how you can’t just paint one wall because then all your other walls look like they need paint so you end up painting the whole house and realizing that your furniture doesn’t match with the walls and it snowballs. Ya, apparently that’s me trying to buy a sofa. 

Me upping my medication went poorly.  Like, it felt exactly like morning sickness all day long. So….. Not sure what’s gonna happen with that but I won’t try again. No thanks.

I’m doing well. How are you all doing? Let’s get some updates!

Gotta go.

Tracy

Happy Birthday, Bear

 Sorry that I dropped the ball on the follow up of my last blog. I’ll get back to it. Had life happen.

For the birthday of a bear I knew.

I wish for Bear:

Contentment 

Long drives with the music cranked up

Passion

Adventures

Thinking outside the box

Breaking the rules

Belly laughs

Stimulating conversations 

Strength 

Being self aware

Not taking yourself to seriously 

Finding joy in the smallest of pleasures

Pride

Unconditional love

Empathy

Charity

Butterfly kisses

Sweet dreams

No regrets

The moon

Me

You say it’s your birthday!

 March 16. I love that my birthday is in March. I love March.

We’re going to my favorite Mexican place for Fajitas! We went out for steak last week or is so that but fajitas sound so good! I’m being taken to one of my favorite local jewelry stores to pick out something. I ordered a piece of furniture ( which I’ll get into in a bit) and it’s being delivered. We’re going to marathon watch Fringe which the youngest son and husband have been watching with me. I LOVE IT. I’m going to set my mind to have a great cozy day and put the oldest children issue in an extra string box to deal with some other day.

We’ve picked out a couch and instead of going with another sectional we decided to get a sleeper sofa and two new recliners. I’ve ordered mine and I think the husband will end up with the same. It’s a gorgeous leather, electric recliner with USB ports and a Bluetooth speaker set up. I won’t bore you with all the details but she’s lovely and that, my friends, is how you known you’re getting old. Also decided to get a new mattress and we’re giving the YM everything that we’re replacing as it’s all in great shape and she’s in her own first place and needs all the furniture things. I remember that super well!! 

Things I like! Birthday Edition!

1)Lilacs ( going to get a tattoo of lilacs) they remind me of home and my childhood and it’s a good kind of reminds. We had probably ten lilac bushes planted in our front yard growing up and the smell mingled with spring and summer is a warm happy place

2) wearing a mask and not having to smile all the time as a social norm. 

3) silver and white gold. 

4) the many bunnies we have on the island.

5) we have a fresh water Bayou pretty damn close to our balcony and it’s crazy to get to see at this time of year the animals that live there that you won’t see much in the summer when the leaves come back. We have a variety of snakes, I do not enjoy that, owls, bob cats, armadillo ( which my dog loathes and thinks she could take one on. She hates her teeth and tries to get off her leash. Apparently no one has told her that those things fuck up semi trucks. That’s real armor, my friend and their claws aren’t for looks. She looks dumb. Bunnies? She loves them. Bob cats? She wants to get to know them better and we have to make her see the error of her ways. Coyotes, Foxes, there’s fish in the water but, I mean, who is gonna try and get at them? Bull frogs, which I loathe! Geckos, which I love, it’s like a wildlife preserve and fascinating to watch as for the most part they keep to themselves…. I mean ya, we get them coming out sometimes but they don’t seem to want to be aggressive usually. Do you remember last year when my husband found a rattlesnake on his windshield!? Yikes. There’s a bike trail that goes through it. No thanks.

6) blankets. 

 Shoot, I have to go. I’ll write more tomorrow and finish!! 

Does your age ever just punch you?

 I’m listen to a 70’s rock ballad playlist and it straight up punched me that these songs are close to 50 years old, so I get to thinking that in the 80’s songs 50 years earlier came from the 30’s and then I thought…. Ok, music 50 years before I was born…. 1918!!!!!!!! 

Goddamn.

My birthday is on the 16th. I’ll be 54 yrs old and that shocks me at least twice per week. 

Anyway, now that I’m thoroughly depressed.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, I had a hiccup Thursday but other than that, things are good!!! 

There’s an issue with my book and the documentary. Like, together. A legal one that I can’t get into but has me putting everything on hold for awhile. It’s just precautionary but I’m kind of glad that they are off my plate for awhile. 

I met with a new primary doc on Thursday and proceeded to go into a full on panic attack before hand. Those visits to the uro-gyn have fucked me up. For the last two years I haven’t had an in office visit that didn’t involve being undressed and something humiliating happening. If I’m never handed a paper gown again it will be too soon.

The point though!!!! She’s so good!!! My heart rate was through the roof so she had to do an ekg even though I said it was from my anxiety and when she saw that everything was fine she was so so so kind about the panic thing and said, seems like some ptsd going on. I wanted to make her my best friend for understanding!!! She’s great and I’m so happy about that!!! Plus, bonus points for telling me three times that my outfit was so cute!!! Compliments WILL get you a very long way with me!!

I do have so see a neurologist for the fainting, even though I got the whole brain scan stuff in the hospital. I mean, something is off, for sure, but the neuro in the hospital said a very special and adorable migraine. I’ll be fine.

We had snow on Friday. Loved that!! 

Have to run!!

Je t’aime,

Me

Q&A

 1) it’s been a long time since you’ve talked to your oldest children. Do you think things will ever get back to how they were? I’m not speaking to an adult child of mine and I feel that I can not emotionally trust them again.

Thanks to therapy and some time and space away from the situation I can now say that I hope not. Ya, that might be weird to hear a mom say but those relationships were unhealthy for me. My relationship with my son and his wife was ripe with land mines and the only one trying to dodge them seems to have been me. When I ask myself if it were ANY other relationship would I stay, the answer is no. Ya. It sucks but he’s a full grown ass man and I can’t force him to make things better with his wife and how she treats me. It is what it is.

My daughter. God, I can’t go back to normal. I’m so very proud of myself for the work I’ve done learning how to take care of me. My daughter doesn’t need to be raised anymore. She is who she is and she is nearly identical to my mother’s personality. I’ve done that before and I never had someone say “ You’re not obligated to take it” until my previous previous doc who really made me think… Oh, shit! Being family does not mean that you have to be the punching bag. It’s as easy as saying no more and meaning it then following through with it. In her case that is where I will admit that we failed her. We weren’t great about the follow through of the natural consequences for her actions. We cut her a break because it’s easier. It’s easier to make the house feel calm again. It’s easier to not put up with her tantrums. It’s easier to smooth things over than to plow through them and we should have been plowing. She had a good counselor and I wish I’d been more honest about the things that were going on. It might be late in the game but if we ever intend to have any kind of relationship again it will be based in respect and will probably need to just be cordial for how ever long that keeps things in line. It will look much different.

2) I thought you had found your mother’s family. What happened?

Well, I couldn’t do it. I found what I needed to know, what had literally driven my mother crazy and it wasn’t the situation that she thought it was. That reality that the way I’d been treated and abused was based on her false assumptions was not something that I wanted to share with them nor did I want to get bogged down in it. It’s all in the box. I might need to invest in a warehouse pretty soon!

3) I listen to your channel and enjoy the way you and Robb interact. It feels honest and warm. Do you really speak every day?

First, thanks! We act very much like a healthy brother and sister relationship should actually look like, which might be odd considering the fact that we’re not related. Yes, we talk on the phone every day for at least an hour and usually much more. I seriously don’t know how we have so much to talk about but you may have noticed, I’m chatty!

4) favorite flower!

Lilacs. Hands down. I can’t find any to buy from a florist though. The smell reminds me of cool summer nights “camping” on our deck. I wish that I’d appreciated those more.

It’s really late and I’m so tired. I have a sinus infection and it’s making me sleepy!

Night,

Me