Sunday

 I need to knock this out quickly. I’m not feeling well. I always get headaches when a storm is coming in and we’re getting another arctic storm for about the next three days. Cross your fingers that no pipes burst.

I’m going to assume the snowbird is in Arizona. My grandparents were snowbirds but they went to Palm Springs. Since a bear’s daughter goes to school in AZ, I’m rolling the dice with this one.

When we moved to God Forsaken Arizona we got there on the 4 of October. Record heat. The kind that just punches you straight on the face. 116, I think it was.

We’d driven through Utah and there was a blizzard there. Feet of snow and then into the depths of hell. 

We stopped at my in-laws house in Mesa because they’d done all of the house hunting and had our keys. We went out to dinner and as quickly as that I was introduced to how Arizonans feel about snowbirds. The restaurant was packed. No parking. The traffic congested. And “ Fucking snowbirds” was flying around. Not just my in-laws either. Everyone waiting for a table was in on it. 

I was offended for the birds! I mean, why were these people bitching? More birds more jobs. More jobs more money. What’s wrong with that? And not only that but more businesses being built, more hair salons, more restaurants, more everything. Grouching people.

One year. One freaking year later I was now a full fledged resident of Arizona and was sick of the old people in the grocery stores writing checks, going under the speed limit. Taking ALL THE ROOM IN EVERY PLACE! Can’t get a doctors appointment. Can’t get in to get my hair cut. Can’t move around a parking lot. No new businesses were built. Why would they? For just five months of the year? That would be stupid. Every fall the resentment would build and every spring we’d breathe a sigh of relief. 

I love that snowbirds avoid Texas. I hated that I’d become THAT Karen. A whole state full of Karen’s just complaining about first world problems. It didn’t solve anything. I seriously doubt that the birds even noticed. 

My dad always came down in October and every year I’d tell him not to wear anything that said Washington or Seahawks. I wanted to avoid seeing the glares I knew we’d get. He packed all of the Seahawks clothes he owned. Bought some Washington stuff and relished in the pushing of the buttons. Now, who wonders where I learned to be spicy? I miss him.

Have to run. Look around you. Do you notice it now? 😁

Me

Becoming Me.

 It’s been nearly two years since the Great Baby Cereal Debacle of 2021 and I can say, it’s been good for me. Would I rather have skipped it? Yes, for the grand babies and no for being given the space to learn how I can have boundaries. That has felt like a butterfly breaking out of a cocoon. I’ve come so far in feeling empowered and worthy in this last two years that I can barely recognize 2021 me. 

Yesterday, or, Tuesday, whenever I put this up, I had to meet my FIFTH psychiatrist in a YEAR! Now, I’m not changing docs. This is the same office. Docs are quitting. It might be me. I might be the problem 😉 There is nothing worse that meeting a new doc. You would think that on that particular profession they’d be the kindness people on the planet, you know? Like dealing with people on some of their worst emotional/ mental days. But, no. It’s a requirement to say dumb shit out of the gate. Test our resolve. Are you week and unstable or a fighter who’s been kinda fucked up.

Two minutes into my appointment, this doctor asks me about the amnesia candy and literally before I can answer she says… “ You need to learn some COPING SKILLS” 

2021 me would have been dumbstruck. Said nothing. Seethed about it for eternity. Maybe used a voodoo doll, who knows.

2023 me was dumbstruck. Then COMMUNICATED my feelings, sternly. I started by asking her “ What do you know about ME? I met you TWO minutes ago. I’ve got coping skills, believe me. I wouldn’t be talking to you today if I didn’t.” Then I went on to explain just how strong and capable I am and that I’m so so much more in control of being proactive rather than reactive and that some fucking times “Coping” to get through every fucking day is exhausting and debilitating and if she made that flippant comment one day to someone holding on by their fingernails they my just “ cope” by fucking all the way off this planet. 

I might not be a licensed psychiatrist but god damnit I’m a two semester psychiatrist and even I know that was stupid as hell.

Right after that, because it was a snow day here in these parts, we went to see Avatar, 3/10, stay home, stream it. But it was good for getting my mind off that woman.

Went to a doc appointment. My elbow is not healing super well but it looks cool so that’s a bonus. Slowly but surely I’m getting taken off medications. So far, so good! My doc is fantastic.

Gotta go…. Oh, I forgot to address snowbirds!!! Next time. I’ve got thoughts….

Night! Me

Ouch!

 Here’s a story that sums up my luck….

Fell asleep the other night ( by night, I mean morning) and like five minutes later woke up and had to pee…. That very second! So I get out of bed and about three feet from the bedroom door I get that all to familiar feeling of “ Oh, shit! I think I’m gonna faint” except I only got about to the “ oh sh…” part. Now, this happens a lot when I get out of bed. I have a routine where when I get to that spot I lean against the wall and hold my hands out to hold the other wall, it’s the walk way into the room.  I must have muscle memoried that because I don’t remember a thing until I woke up bouncing between our bed’s foot board ( we have a platform bed) and the floor. I was on my side, but thought I was on my back. My brain started flipping out. My husband, who had been asleep, heard me so he was above me looking down and I was all, “ where am I?! What happened?! Where am I?!” I had NO CLUE where I was or who I was AND I’d lost my hearing( a new symptom with fainting. Some good old fashioned peace and quiet)so I couldn’t hear my husband telling me where I was. Then my bladder was like “ Hey! Remember me?” And my body was like “ My Dude! We’re broken!” 

My elbow is easily three times it’s regular size and black and blue, as is my knee and my head has an egg sized lump on it. Every part of my body hit that corner of my bed and hit it hard! Then, went bouncing down to the floor for a little extra spice. 

I’ve never fainted that fast before. Usually I get some warning and I can position myself for a softer landing. Not this time. I was DOWN! Taking a wee little nap.

It’s a heart thing ( not dangerous. Not treatable. Just a fluke deal that I’m stoked to have, obviously! And anemia. 

It woke up the youngest boy. He gets scared. I stayed awake for a couple of hours since I’d been tossing my head around the room and he stayed with me. Good kid.

We went to The Cheesecake Factory and since we’re pretty sure that the youngest picked up Covid from there we’ve made a deal that if the husband and I get it after tonight then we’re just not gonna go back again! I mean, seems reasonable!

Got to go. 

Me

Christmas Past

 We finally took down our Christmas stuff tonight. Procrastination, Baby! 

A lot of people have been asking about my older two children and if there was contact over the holidays and the answer is, no.

Actually, I’d prefer to not start contact back up over the holidays. My mother would fight with my family for most of the year and then reconnect in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas and it always felt weird to me. Forced, awkward…. I’d rather not do that. This Christmas felt better than last Christmas, and oddly enough, the fact that the boy had Covid took the pressure off of making new years sparkly. 

We donated the money we would have spent on my daughter’s children to St Jude’s. She won’t accept their gifts so we decide last year that that’s what we will do for birthday’s and Christmas’. We sent my other grandson gifts. They accept them. I really have no idea if they give them to him or not though but that’s not what’s important to us. We have St Jude’s send the thank you card to the children so that there is record of us thinking of them. Plus, in their names, other children and families get the help they need.

The only bummer about not doing a sparkly new year’s is that I can not imagine where I’d wear my New Years dress any other time of  the year so I guess she will stay neatly wrapped in her box until next year. I did buy a velvet cape after Christmas, on sale! And while I’ll obviously have to wait to wear it next Holiday season I really want to just wear her around the house and maybe going to Target sometimes. 

I’m really enjoying clothes in this chapter if my life. Having fun with them and accessories and shoes/boots.I stopped wearing most makeup during the beginning of Covid and for all of mask wearing because, why? But for about a year I’ve really been particular about my brands and doing what I like and not getting caught up in the “Must have/Must do” aspect of it. I really own too much makeup! But I love to do subtle lovely looks now and I’m having so much fun… there will always be shimmer. 

The amnesia medicine is helping with my dreams which has, oddly, caused my brain to start to unlock some memories, I suppose in the belief that I can deal with small bits of traumatic memories. That actually makes me proud of myself. I’ve done SO MUCH work over the last several years but really really going deep the last couple of years. Really working on how to better manage conflict and how I process it and how to find calm when it’s not easily coming to me. How to be able to LET GO if need be and speak my needs and feelings without getting tripped up so much by emotion or the fear that it will make someone “mad” at me.

Basically growing past the mental ages of where and when I was experiencing abuse/trauma because that’s where we psychologically and physically have had the growth and our neural pathways stunted. 

I literally feel like I’m growing up which is weird. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have buttons that can be pushed! I still have reactions I’d rather not have but, I mean, who the fuck doesn’t? 

I’ll write about a memory/ realization that I had recently but it’s too late now and I want to go to bed. Next time. 

Have flooring fun! 😉

Me

Crazy Story…

 These Idaho murders of the four students is fascinating me and I’m following so many FBI agents and a Professor who teaches a course about murder at a university in Washington. I am just obsessed.

Why? 

I had a best friend in a very different life. We’ll call her Shawna, we were close. She and I would go to the Pullman/Moscow area a couple weekends per year for the sole purpose of bar hopping. She had grins up there. Had friends there and so I’d go with her.

Her friend rented a house that neighbors this murder house! 

So we go bar hopping and “Shawna” meets a guy and was going home with him. She dropped me off at her friend’a house and she had gone home with her boyfriend so I was there alone and the house was creepy as FUCK. Now, I was hammered and should have been immune to creepy house vibes but they penetrated several shots of tequila and many many Screaming Orgasms… And something about a Flaming Dr Pepper.  I stayed awake until “Shawna” walked the walk of shame around 6:30am. 

Ok, while we’re on this subject, the last time I ever went back there was after a night we were there again and she’d met some frat guys from The University of Idaho that wanted to take us “for a drive” and then to their house. I was damn near dragging my feet into the floor of this bar ( I think it was called, Black, it only had black lights, if you’re not aware, white bras show through your clothing. Mine went right into my purse) she got really drunk mad at me so I went. We drove into the middle of nowhere. Like, you couldn’t see any lights, nowhere. I was thinking “ Great, I’m gonna have to kill these fuckers with nothing but a bra!” I had Shawna give me her car keys so I could hold them between my fingers and made a fist. I’d babysat for a cop who in his off time would literally show me ways to kill, mame or disable attackers. He always said, “Forget that you’re a girl who’s supposed to be polite and gouge their fucking eyes out, bite their throat, punch up into their nose and shove it into their brain.” He was fun. Ended up getting fired from the police department, but I know that a piece of string across a persons nose bone will drop them to their knees and that it’s ok to rip a throat out so, I’d say it was worth it.

Finally she started crying and begging to be taken back to the bar. I let her go that route, I basically just started screaming obscenities and threatening their lives if they didn’t take us back. Maybe they thought I was too much crazy to deal with drunk but they did take us back and I didn’t end up on some missing person poster or with a throat dangling from my mouth.

Good times. The next time we saw her friends they came to Spokane instead of us going there and we went with other people. You’d Never have looked at her and thought “crazy stupid drunk.”

Have to run!

Me

Guess who’s back..Back again..

 The son has been positive for Covid for 12 consecutive days now. Is that a record or what? God DAMN. He is starting to feel like he’s gonna pull it out of the ditch though so that’s the right direction.

It’s like second Christmas around here because on Christmas night I went online and hit all the “ after Christmas“ sales and Mama did a good job! First, I will never ever need another candle and that’s pretty hard for me to do. Makeup? Yes, Ma’am. I’m set for the year. The Baby girl, YM, got sent a ton of everything SOFT. If it’s cozy, she loves it. She’s good to go. That makes me feel joy.

I think I filled that empty spot in my heart for awhile :-)

So, here’s a story…

I had a close group of friends in my middle teens. They were all boys and they’d been friends since grade school. We had a foster kid who was friends with them which is how I met Rob, if you think back, Rob came to ask me to marry him, everyone always thought that we’d be married someday and so did we. However, when he showed up I was married and about 5-6(?) months pregnant with OM. 

All the guys were theatre and band kids. I transferred from where I was going to school into their high school when I was 15. I was way too shy to be a theater kid. But I sure did go to a ton of their plays.

One of the boys ( who happens to live a few minutes from me currently, small world!) called me one day at the last of summer to tell me that he was going to audition for a movie. He asked if I wanted to go with him ( for the record, this is the boy who drove out to pick my up when I’d ran away from home, in two feet of snow, and called him from a pay phone in the restaurant/bar I’d end up working at just a few years later) so I said I’d go. I was there for moral support. There’s no way that I’d audition for a movie.

We get to what was then, I have no idea if it’s even there now, Cavanaugh’s (sp?) Inn at the park… Also ironically,  two life chapters away from then, everyone I was friends with and roommates with worked at that hotel. I was always a plus one to their work parties….

So he gets a sheet of paper to fill out and a woman hands me one too. I declined it but she insisted and as someone who was too shy to function, I took it and filled it out and turned it in.

Friend goes in to audition and says that it went well, I figure if we hurry out I’ll be gone when they call my name. Then they call me. I wanted to just walk out but my friend literally pushed me forward and I was taken into the conference room. There were several people sitting behind tables. They asked if I had anything prepared. I said I did not. They asked me why not and I told them what I’ve just told you. That’s it. Just me telling them that this was all a mistake but there I was.

They took notes, or doodled, I really had no idea. Then they took my picture and thanked me.

I left the room and my friend asked how it went. I told him that I was pretty sure they thought that o was an idiot. Thanks for the heads up that I was supposed to “Have something prepared”I totally would have run away if I’d known.

Two weeks later I get a call and I’m asked if I’m “still interested” in being in the movie. The people behind the tables, whoever they were, had noted that I was “cute, small town and funny.”

So I’m in Vision Quest. It was an amazing experience. Conveniently part of it was filmed at my high school, North Central. I was given all the days off school. There was a lot of waiting around. A lot of catered food and I got to have costume changes. I was paid a flat $100 bucks per day. 

But what about my friend? He didn’t get it. I wasn’t anything special. Just an extra. But he was big mad about it for a minute. 

It is a special memory though. My brush with fame. When Stranger Things came out I told my kids that, Hey! I was in that movie with that guy! “ Papa” Matthew Modine. I got some cool points for that.

Night,

Me