Christmas Past

 We finally took down our Christmas stuff tonight. Procrastination, Baby! 

A lot of people have been asking about my older two children and if there was contact over the holidays and the answer is, no.

Actually, I’d prefer to not start contact back up over the holidays. My mother would fight with my family for most of the year and then reconnect in time for Thanksgiving and Christmas and it always felt weird to me. Forced, awkward…. I’d rather not do that. This Christmas felt better than last Christmas, and oddly enough, the fact that the boy had Covid took the pressure off of making new years sparkly. 

We donated the money we would have spent on my daughter’s children to St Jude’s. She won’t accept their gifts so we decide last year that that’s what we will do for birthday’s and Christmas’. We sent my other grandson gifts. They accept them. I really have no idea if they give them to him or not though but that’s not what’s important to us. We have St Jude’s send the thank you card to the children so that there is record of us thinking of them. Plus, in their names, other children and families get the help they need.

The only bummer about not doing a sparkly new year’s is that I can not imagine where I’d wear my New Years dress any other time of  the year so I guess she will stay neatly wrapped in her box until next year. I did buy a velvet cape after Christmas, on sale! And while I’ll obviously have to wait to wear it next Holiday season I really want to just wear her around the house and maybe going to Target sometimes. 

I’m really enjoying clothes in this chapter if my life. Having fun with them and accessories and shoes/boots.I stopped wearing most makeup during the beginning of Covid and for all of mask wearing because, why? But for about a year I’ve really been particular about my brands and doing what I like and not getting caught up in the “Must have/Must do” aspect of it. I really own too much makeup! But I love to do subtle lovely looks now and I’m having so much fun… there will always be shimmer. 

The amnesia medicine is helping with my dreams which has, oddly, caused my brain to start to unlock some memories, I suppose in the belief that I can deal with small bits of traumatic memories. That actually makes me proud of myself. I’ve done SO MUCH work over the last several years but really really going deep the last couple of years. Really working on how to better manage conflict and how I process it and how to find calm when it’s not easily coming to me. How to be able to LET GO if need be and speak my needs and feelings without getting tripped up so much by emotion or the fear that it will make someone “mad” at me.

Basically growing past the mental ages of where and when I was experiencing abuse/trauma because that’s where we psychologically and physically have had the growth and our neural pathways stunted. 

I literally feel like I’m growing up which is weird. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have buttons that can be pushed! I still have reactions I’d rather not have but, I mean, who the fuck doesn’t? 

I’ll write about a memory/ realization that I had recently but it’s too late now and I want to go to bed. Next time. 

Have flooring fun! 😉

Me