Friday Night

 Saw my psychiatrist on Monday, needed to see how the increase in the amnesia meds was going….I told him that I didn’t ever want to see the doc that I saw back in January again and told him about the coping skills comment. I take pride in telling you that this was my second time to make a psychiatrist sit there with their mouth open.

I win.

I’m OBSESSED with jumpsuits that are cotton or linen with wide legs. I have FOUR of the now! Grayish blue, olive green, burnt orange and the equivalent of burnt purple if that’s a color, I don’t know what else to call it. They are cute in the winter with a light sweater underneath or a t-shirt and a cropped button sweater or in the spring with a T-shirt, summer I can wear a tank or sports bra. They feel like I’m wearing pj’s and that’s a good thing!! Plus I can pair them with cute hats or caps and funky jewelry!

I got a new Jo Malone perfume, I swear, retail fills the cracks in my shell! It’s ridiculous, but my husband bought it so it doesn’t count, right? Anyway, it’s Wild Bluebell and I’m in love! Do you know that all Jo Malone scents are made so that they can be layered to make your own signature scent? I like to add a bit of the orange blossom to the Marigold one. Lovely AND all JM scents are unisex. I really like that! 

I’m gonna do something that I’ve always wanted but have literally been to afraid to go through with. I’m getting a freckle nose piercing ( it’s the smallest size so it’s just a sparkly spot on the nostril. I loathe the septum piercing. I am not a bill, thanks…. The reason I’ve been afraid is because you must use a piercer and it looks awful! Both my girls had theirs done at 14 and were much braver than me…. But!!! You can now get it done with a gun, no dude pushing a needle through, and I’ve done that before so, I’m doing it!!!! I’m excited and also there’s a part of me that asks… Do you even know how old you are? Yes! Which is why I need to be and dress and smell and do the things that only bring me joy. 

Gotta run…. Broke up with Robb…. Talk about it next time. People are the worst type of thing.

Tracy

The Ranch…My Adventures

 I once went for a Grippy Sock vacation for 30 days. I call it “The Ranch” because it sounds less nutter. I’d tried to unalive myself and to the disappointment of many, I couldn’t even do that right.

Now, The Ranch is actually not a bad place. Free meals, free snacks, free medication at regular intervals, free arts and crafts and free bowling and trips to a thing called Pig Out in the Park…. Free chaperones too, all with varying medical degrees. Free counseling three times a day, one being a required group therapy. We once got on the topic of how fun doing cocaine is. Our counselor, who doubled as my personal support/ therapy human, didn’t stop the conversation. That seemed odd, doesn’t that seem odd? Maybe he was just glad that people were laughing rather than tying their shoelaces into a rope. 

We were literally allowed to go anywhere in the hospital that we wanted. Unsupervised. Seems like excellent care. Wanna smoke on the 10th floor balcony with all your new depressed friends? Sure! What could possibly go wrong there? My emotional support counselor would play ping pong with me for hours. It got me relaxed around him. I could talk to him, he was a safe place…. He once asked me what it felt like to be high on cocaine…. I mean, it was the very early 90’s so the 80’s hadn’t quite worn off yet…. 

I was placed on Xanax FOUR times per day. The thing about Xanax, and cocaine for that matter, is that your brain gets used to the current dose and needs a larger dose to feel the same as it had on the lower dose. The beauty of the Devil’s Little Pill is that it stops your brain from making its own feel good chemicals and send it on a vacation telling it that it’s fine, we’re fine, everything is fine…..Right up until the day that dose doesn’t cut it anymore. So, four times per day, an hour, then an hour and a half  before your next dose your brain is driving like an engine with no oil. And it hurts. So, maybe you add a shot of whiskey to lube it up a bit. It works at first and before you know it, your life is watching the clock so you can get that chemical your brain stopped making. 

I went to my doctor and said “ Get me off this shit.. Now”

This was not a psychiatrist. This was my PRIMARY care provider. Old as dirt. Delivered my oldest son, delivered the man with whom I got pregnant with when I was 18. 

This doctor who had performed surgery on me and delivered my child and prescribed this God forsaken medication for me after I left the ranch told me that he wasn’t qualified to ween me off and what was that other thing????? oh ya, I could die if I abruptly stopped, probably seize then maybe be brain dead…. Kind of like that engine with no oil! Fantastic!!

Then I had to be admitted to a hospital so that a qualified doctor could ween me which takes…Several weeks, around the clock supervision. 

My advice is…. NEVER EVER take Xanax. NEVER.

And, maybe try and avoid a grippy sock vacay too. Turns out… It’s not free!

Tracy

Post

 Have you ever listened to Post Malone being interviewed or on a ghost hunting show or on Good Mythical Morning? He’s such a sweet soul. So gentle and kind and genuine. He looks like you’d not want to be seen with him or meet him in a back alley but it’s not him at all. Yes, Ma’am, No, Sir, when he responds. His belly laugh. He brings me joy and apparently joy comes in some different packages, you know? The thing that makes him most endearing is that he has no clue that he’s a bright light. He struggles with self esteem and depression. I could just pinch those cheeks!

This is my new favorite song of his. Don’t judge a book by its cover is a really good lesson to keep in mind. 

It’s a rollercoaster

 My new granddaughter has a very rare birth defect in her heart and will be having open heart surgery.

No, her mother didn’t tell us about it, my YM did.

I asked YM to tell her that she could call us, we’d leave all the shit out of it and just be there to support them. 

She said no.

I think I did the right thing and feel good about that.

I felt the shift when YM told me she’d said no. 

At my last doctors appt I found out that I have an organ that is barely functioning. My doc told me that extreme stress can cause this organ to not be able to function which is causing my blood sugar to be difficult to control. 

I can not let this woman cause me that much stress anymore. I’m gonna talk with my psychiatrist on Monday, get my amnesia med upped and if I have to use prescription drugs to be able to become indifferent, then I’ll do that. 

Sometimes coping skills come in the form of an RX. That’s ok too…..oh, and a hot fudge sundae. 

Let’s lighten this place up next time I’m here!!

For a bear… I could use a jackhammer right now. What a fantastic way to get out your aggressions!! I was thinking bat against tree but beating the heck out of some concrete seems more fun!

Night luvs!

Me

Some stuff

 So, I’ve waited to tell this story until I could sit with it and also not start bawling. 

A couple weeks ago when Miya called us to tell us that Madison was admitted to the hospital with pre-eclampsia and was going to be induced ( keep in mind that I’d only just found at that she was even pregnant) my body had a mind of its own suddenly and I was violently shaking and throwing up. It felt like the pain was forcing it’s way out.

My husband talked me into leaving the house and going to Target ( LoL the happy place!) and as we’re in the wide isle where the check outs are I suddenly see a large man walking towards me and JD with a purpose on his face and it was jolting. Then he stopped and asked Jd if he could pray for me. He said that God had called him into the store to pray for someone and as soon as he saw me God told him that it was me. 

Jd said he didn’t mind if I didn’t mind so I said yes, I mean, if there was ever a day where I could use a prayer, that was the day, he put his arm around my shoulder and held my hand and prayed for me and the really shocking part was that he prayed for my heart, emotions, pain and rejection. Prayed that God would use him to show me that I am big in God’s eyes, worthy and loved. 

I was speechless. I couldn’t even tell him that this timing was amazing. 

We turned away for just a second and he was gone. 

It really helped me, which might seem weird to most, but it is what I needed when I needed it.

We went to a baby shower yesterday. It’s for a baby girl. I didn’t have any anxiety over it in fact I spent what I would have spent on my granddaughter on this new baby. Might as well spoil someone else’s baby!

BUT! The interesting part is that the mom is Hispanic and the dad, who is one of my husband’s partners is white. The shower was full on Hispanic. How do you know the difference?

1) the women dress in one could call a dress but looks more like a child’s t-shirt stretched down to barely, or not, cover the ass cheeks, oh, and it’s either rubber and bright in color or… Well, ya, that’s about it. I kid you not, I saw some “cats” peeking out.

2) the music is mariachi and so loud you have to yell to talk

3) the food. Even chicken Mole made by the Tias. The white people at our table couldn’t eat it because it was too spicy 🌶️ 

4) the game prizes are bottles of Don Julio Rosado… Because it’s pink, so, duh. 

5) there’s an open bar so it’s game on. 

It was fun though and the cake was the best I’ve ever tasted! But that could have been my two vodka cranberries:-) I’m not gonna pass up a free bar either, I’m Scottish/Irish!! 

Oh, and get this, the Dad is going on 62 years old and the mom is 26. Did that not just make your brain zap? Being a new parent at 62 would be my nightmare!! They are in love though and that’s what is most important. 

And to a bear, No pics in a very long time. What’s up? 

Tracy

Ok, Here We Go…

 The concert that effected many moving pieces of my world for, literally, years….

The beginning…

The Black Crows at the Spokane Opera House:

For some reason my friend Heather’s dad picked up the tickets for me and Heather. I can not remember why as the normal protocol for concerts was pooling our money and giving it to Green-land as he was the concierge at what was the Cavanaugh’s Inn at the Park, and he’d grab them at 7am when they went on sale or the backup was if he was too busy he’d call me and I’d run down there, get the money and by them for everyone, but for this concert only Heather and I, from our inner core of friends, could go so…. Not clear on the purchase situation… Anyway, he accidentally bought three tickets instead of two.

Ok, that was the first link in the chain that would take my life in a different direction and change my relationship with my extended family for YEARS, I mean, to this very day!

So, Heather and I go to the movies. After Green-land and Derwood ( Darrin) moved out Heather would eventually become my roommate… At the movies we accidentally sit very close to my cousin and her husband. He was a super outgoing man child. He got my attention and we started talking. He asked if I’d heard that The Black Crows were coming to town, one thing led to the next, Heather said we had and extra ticket, he asks if he can buy it, ok fine, like I didn’t really know him well. He was going to school to be a pastor ( ironic in the end) and my cousin, whom I’d been SO CLOSE to growing up couldn’t be dirtied by a two bit Whore who’d been pregnant at 16. She’d always always been this morally superior, controlling, brat, but, what can I say, we were 9 months apart in age and we had each other. Now, this was the second link in the chain that was gonna blow shit up. What I didn’t know at the time is that they had been having marital problems from the get go. She sat there and smiled about the concert thing but it started something brewing that I had NO CLUE about.

Everyone who was going which also included my brother who had invited this guy I’d met once and went on one date with and didn’t care for at all ( I married him), and several other people had agreed to meet at Cavanaugh’s to pre game! 

The cousin’s husband who I’ll call G, called me the day of the concert and asked if I could give him a ride. I said sure, didn’t know that this was because cousin wouldn’t “Let” him use their car. We decided to pre pre game! I learned a LOT about him and my cousin that night and that should have told me to take him back home, hindsight!

We all meet at Cavanaugh‘s to have drinks. I’m not talking at all to the guy I don’t like. We eat dinner, G plays around with a little girl seated next to us, for some reason that pissed off that guy( my future husband) and I couldn’t have cared less what he thought. He was bitching and ruining my buzz, acting like I should reign in this adult man whom I barely know, because he’s related to me by marriage. It wasn’t going well. We all just kinda ignored them both and pretty soon the group of us began to walk to the venue.

My future husband was seated in the balcony, the rest of us on the floor. We took him up to the balcony in the elevator and when the door opened I said “ Get along little doggie” and he got pissed. I was baffled by the reaction because, what was offensive exactly? Some drunk chick says some rando saying and you act like I just kicked your dog? Blow me.

We go to our seats on the floor. We were very very close to the stage, big, HUGE, mistake! I put my purse under my chair. When the Black Crows came out a human wave pushed me up to the edge of the stage. Perfect, I’m in the mosh pit, the Black Crows have a mosh pit? Wtf? I lose track of my purse and my brother. Everyone was really helpful in looking for my purse while being pushed around. It was gone. I was freaking out. We all got separated from each other so I’m alone, in a mosh pit and the band is so fucking high on heroine that they can’t function. They couldn’t play the instruments, the songs were nonsensical, the tune was waaaaay off and I’m being shoved like I’m in the breakers in the ocean. I know that if I go down, I’m dead. I’ll be stomped on and ignored and my head was pounding. Drunk me was NOT prepared for a mosh pit, sober me would not have been prepared for a mosh pit. They played for about 30 minutes, thank God, before they decided that they were too high to continue. People were pissed. The angry wave piled out of the Opera House and I was still alone. This guy that would always hang out at that restaurant/bar I had worked at comes rushing up to me… “ Hi, Tracy!!!! This is fucked up, right?! Cool! How are you?” And my brain was fried, like the very last thing I needed was a flash from the past and a conversation!

Finally we all find each other, except for my brother. We waited for awhile and decided to head back up to the bar. When we walk in there’s my brother, WITH MY PURSE, he’d left when the pushing started. 

I needed a couple drinks for sure!

The aftermath of that one concert was that all my female cousins stopped speaking to me and told my aunt that my cousin’s husband was the father of OM, whom I gave birth to 12 months after I got married to that jerky guy at the concert :-) He was having an OFF day and got a really bad vibe off of G…. He was right. He and my cousin were divorced a few years later. Must have been bad because she’s almost 56 and never dated since! Still don’t talk to my cousins. Weird. Very weird. That concert was some strange stuff.

Word to the wise, never go to a Black Crows concert, I took the hit on this one for you guys. 

Tracy

Post coming tomorrow…

 Worst concert ever.

Wednesday…

 How’s it going?

I’m actually doing pretty well. I had a little bit of a breakdown last week for like 10 minutes. I was spiraling, like, I could not pull myself together. Felt like my atoms were flying into the air and spinning around me. My brain could not be reigned in. I laid in bed, my husband squeezed me tight from behind and for someone who can not have her back touched it did something to my brain. Like reeled it in and I began sobbing like a baby. Loud ugly cry sobbing for about five minutes and it was over. I was done. I felt the pressure that had built up in my heart and mind and body leave.  I said… “What’s for dinner?” And I’ve been really good since. I can put things in a box. I haven’t asked the YM to show me a picture of the baby because I don’t want to see her. I need her to stay somewhere out there unattached to me. I can’t know her in the slightest. I can’t lose another grand baby and if I don’t see her, she’s not mine. I know, sounds a little childish but if it works then fuck it. 

Oddly, something Jo-sh said made me start to snap out of it. I said “If she doesn’t want to burn this bridge completely….” And he said “ Mom, she does. She did. You NEED to see that it’s gone” I HEARD that. FELT THAT, had my little breakdown and I’m glad that he was that blunt with me. I need blunt. I don’t like the grey area of emotions. It’s what I needed to hear. 

I have fucking coping skills, damn it!

I’m a fucking warrior, for fucks sake!

I get knocked down but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down….. 

You get the idea, plus, bonus, a song stuck in your head! 

The point is, I’m doing ok. I’m brave. I’m strong. 

Night loves!!

Tracy