Wednesday…

 How’s it going?

I’m actually doing pretty well. I had a little bit of a breakdown last week for like 10 minutes. I was spiraling, like, I could not pull myself together. Felt like my atoms were flying into the air and spinning around me. My brain could not be reigned in. I laid in bed, my husband squeezed me tight from behind and for someone who can not have her back touched it did something to my brain. Like reeled it in and I began sobbing like a baby. Loud ugly cry sobbing for about five minutes and it was over. I was done. I felt the pressure that had built up in my heart and mind and body leave.  I said… “What’s for dinner?” And I’ve been really good since. I can put things in a box. I haven’t asked the YM to show me a picture of the baby because I don’t want to see her. I need her to stay somewhere out there unattached to me. I can’t know her in the slightest. I can’t lose another grand baby and if I don’t see her, she’s not mine. I know, sounds a little childish but if it works then fuck it. 

Oddly, something Jo-sh said made me start to snap out of it. I said “If she doesn’t want to burn this bridge completely….” And he said “ Mom, she does. She did. You NEED to see that it’s gone” I HEARD that. FELT THAT, had my little breakdown and I’m glad that he was that blunt with me. I need blunt. I don’t like the grey area of emotions. It’s what I needed to hear. 

I have fucking coping skills, damn it!

I’m a fucking warrior, for fucks sake!

I get knocked down but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down….. 

You get the idea, plus, bonus, a song stuck in your head! 

The point is, I’m doing ok. I’m brave. I’m strong. 

Night loves!!

Tracy