I USED TO BE YOUNG

 

I Used To Be Young

 

Hola!

It’s so fucking hot that I don’t want to leave my home. But, for the sake of my mental health I did and I bought Halloween decorations. That’s how things work in my brain.

The YM spent the weekend here and it was so nice. She’s delightful AND so intelligent and up to speed on politics and religion and Capitalism and what not. I’m telling you, this generation will change the world. They have been exposed to all religions, all nationalities, all types of people of all genders and all races. They know empathy. They recognize gaslighting. They have strong voices and they use them. She’s lovely. 

I ventured into trying gummies again and ended up waking up my husband and asking him to call an ambulance. Why? Because I was sure that I had severe brain damage or was possibly in a coma. He was adamant that we NOT call an ambulance and that I was neither in a coma nor brain damaged. He had me lay down and in the middle of me truly believing that I was actually in a hospital bed somewhere on life support imagining all of that I asked him “ are you going to let me die so that you get custody of the kids?” And I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. His answer “ I’d rather walk you around dead like Bernie before I took custody of the older ones” I couldn’t stop laughing until I fell asleep…. Or went back into my coma.

THC is not for me. I’ve gotten high twice, with the same person, and those were the ONLY times it hasn’t gone south. Left to my own devices I’m a hot mess.

Bought a cute necklace 😊 I’ll try and post a pic below.

Living on a prayer,

Tracy

He’s BAAAAACK!

 Who’s back you’re asking yourself, well, give me a second and I’ll tell you…. Sit down. Hold onto something that comforts you because this is a real nightmare…….

My AMAZON DRIVER!! 

He’d been “ gone” for a few weeks I guess and my packages were being left AT MY DOOR, people! My fucking door! In the community room in the coded package lockers? No… This new driver walked them in, got into the elevator, pressed my floor, and walked up to my door, which by the way is in a type of decor transition…I have a Christmas wreath up for CHRISTMAS IN JULY…. I have a “ Welcome summer” sign, a sign that has “ Welcome Home” which comes with different magnets to honor the holiday or season and I had just put the pumpkin in, and a large sign for Halloween, welcoming all witches….Obviously.  Oh! And my son wears these god awful shoe things that he got from his best friend… they are fish and those sit on my welcome mat that has welcome on one side and goodbye on the other, we face the goodbye towards anyone stepping up to my door…..And he came up here probably four times… once with a 50lb dog food bag! 10/10 would recommend!! Love the new driver…

I can only imagine the report back that my old driver got. I know there was definitely some discussion over my mental health….

So, he’s back….. my orders have been “ lost” twice. My gelcap vitamins were left under the blazing sun and melted into a huge ball of B12. My body butter and hand soap orders were “ rejected by receiver.” 

Now you’re thinking… Jesus Christ on Toast! Try walking into a store why don’t ya. Because it’s 110 degrees out, Kathy, mind your own business!

The dilemma here is…. Do I call Amazon about this? I feel like he’s upping his game and as crazy as my entry area looks like I am… He left for three weeks and is again coming for me…. See, you do have to admire his tenacity, right? But I can’t be trying to pry a vitamin b12 capsule out of a rock solid ball of vitamins, can I ? No! I can hold a grudge like my oxygen depends on it! What we need here is for me to establish dominance or I’m just a week ass punk who’s gonna get screwed by all the other Amazon Drivers too! 

I must be brave and go into battle. As you have heard 5000 times, my name means warrior! It does not mean “Scared of evil Amazon guy.” 

Wish me luck.

Nice pic, Bear, looks like Mexico to me! Keep ‘em up, it’s so nice to see a bears face.

Desperately Seeking Susan,

Tracy

AUGUST

 August is my favorite month of the year. It’s the month  that expectations can run their highest. There’s no holiday pressure and your football team hasn’t lost a game yet, but, you can call it nearly fall if you want and we’ve started seeing the leaves barely changing color. October is when the countdown hits hard and I don’t like it. It’s like knowing that the drugs are only gonna last until they’re gone and December is the month that feeling of panic takes over for me. I can’t just enjoy the high/anticipation/holidays because my brain is set on “ it’s going too fast and then it will be over and I’ll be in the season of depression again…”

This is how my brain works. What a freak. 

So even though it’s almost fall we skipped the concert at the green last week and this weekend because as we were exiting the elevator Saturday around 7:30 pm we got face punched by the heat… 107 degrees. 

I literally started to get back in the elevator when JD suggested we go out to dinner instead and I needed to go in a Sephora run so we did that instead. Ah, A/C, you magnificent black magic, you. 

The om’s baby had open heart surgery last week. I struggled mightily with panic attacks. Sometimes the things locked in the box slither out like pipe smoke and slowly encircle the part of my soul that tries to stand tall against the enemy like steel Christmas nutcrackers and they bend under the pressure as the smoke turns into boa constrictors, tightening their grip and there’s nothing that I can do but feel them bend and twist and snap. My body shakes uncontrollably. The white noise in my head gets too loud and I can’t make myself think of anything else but the pain of the crushing sensation. 

I went into “ emergency mode” and bought Tommy Chong gummies ( they’re legal in Texas) to take the edge off. I took four, waiting two hours until I couldn’t understand Moana anymore and put in my AirPods, turned up my music and floated away. It helped for several hours and my soul rested just enough…. 

That’s how it goes. Music, I love how you can travel through time and even feel and smell the sensations associated with certain songs or artists. 

Thanks to a bear for the drone shot. Keep the pics coming. I miss a bear. 

Gotta go. 

Chicks can’t hold their smoke,

Tracy