It’s ok to be you
What I’ve liked about being my age is that I still feel like I’m growing as a person and I can recognize it more now.
I think if we look back on our lives we can see distinct turning points where we grew or that spurred on growth.
As an example, I’m not sure if I’ve shared this story before but it’s totally possible! I was once called at home and asked if I would be willing to participate in a mock jury. I’d be paid and they’d provide a meal. I’d recently had a baby and I was of two minds... I’m nursing AND I could really use some time out of the house doing something cool. Also, what if this is some type of felon round up like when they call you to pick up your prize... A brand new TV! So I literally went over my life and was all.... could I be a felon and not know it? Or! Is this where I get arrested for some long ago act? ( did the record, I did the exact same paranoia thing much later when I was sitting on an Air Force base waiting for my 25 year background check to receive my clearance to be able to go onto the base. I might worry a lot....)
So I decide that I’m probably good and I go.
As it turned out this was a mock jury for what was, at the time, the largest medical malpractice suit in my states history. I have no idea if it was being done for the plaintiff or the defense but the plaintiff won.
Anyway, without giving away too much information, my opinion, after presented with both sides of the case, was that the defendant had done something that, while wrong, seemed within the scope of what should be allowed. ( hard to explain without details) and I felt strongly about this based on ONE word in the evidence.
I convinced the jury with my point. Well, as it turned out that word was interchangeable and didn’t hold as much weight as was presented to us and I was wrong. So wrong that I would have denied the injured party the care it would take for them to survive for the rest of their lives.
The lawyers had watched us deliberate and specifically pointed me out when talking about the word. I felt terrible yet, they agreed that they should rephrase the way it was presented before a jury because of how I was able to convince everyone that the case rested on one word.
That taught me a huge lesson about the weight of my opinion and how easy it is to be strongly convinced and be completely wrong. To this day I check myself using that day.
My point?
It really helped me to see both sides fairly. To at least consider another option. I think I do this pretty well mostly. I’m not perfect though! That’s for sure!
Anyway, I’ve been growing over the last several years in spurts. The last one has been in the last few weeks and amounted to me finally being able to draw a line in the sand. Drawing a line with someone like your child is a hard one. Goes against most parenting instincts but, being able to say... I’m done with this relationship in its current form, although much better than it used to be, I’m not going to participate. It’s a burden. Ya, that might be painful to hear, but it’s my truth, that sounds all hippy. My Truth... whatever, it’s how I feel. It’s too much. Too much stress, too much responsibility, too much chaos. Too much YOU on the largest scale possible.... let’s take a break, hear me. Come back if you want under the conditions set or... Don’t. That’s up to you.
Weight off my shoulders. Proud of myself. There are people who need tough love. This one does. Always has. I forget that. This one’s unique in every way. Things are going smoothly with the new line in the sand... cross your fingers.
Cheryl: Remember in my last blog I wrote about Cheryl? That next morning at 5am I received a message on FB from Cheryl’s mother!! She wanted to tell me that Cheryl loved me and that she wanted to call Cheryl when she heard about Kobe. How weird is that??
My daughter is going to have a boy!! She won’t know until Sunday but I’ve known for several days. We were hoping for a girl. She is going to have to take a beat to get over the news but she will be ok. I’ve already put a shit ton of stuff in my Amazon cart :-) he will be named after my husband which is sweet.
Now, trying to see both sides for the last week or so has been something I’ve tried to work on when it comes to Kobe Bryant.
You see, I don’t want or need to be the voice for women who have experienced sexual assault.
With that being said, with people celebrating Kobe’s “life” and articles written about Kobe’s “life” or reading “ girl dad”I think it does an injustice to the girl, 19 years old, that accused Kobe of raping her in 2003. Yes, for some reason she refused to testify against him and then went on to sue him in civil court where after Kobe denied everything he did finally admit that yes, given the biological evidence against him, he did have to admit to sleeping with her.... but but but it was consensual and then he settled out of court by paying her a large sum of money served with a gag order.
In my opinion men who are innocent of RAPE or, in the case of Michael Jackson, child molestation, don’t PAY! Why on earth, if you have more money than God would you not go to court? If you were guilty would you settle out of court?
Some will say “ he was young he just needed to get it out of the way” No, he was a grown ass married man.
That 19 year old girl has a dad too. He is a Girl Dad. Imagine being that girl and having a reporter get fired because she mentioned his rape allegations in his obituary... Hey, people who want to celebrate his LIFE, there’s the ugly parts too but we can’t mention those because he played a sport? Really? He bounced a fucking ball so let’s sweep it under the rug and fire or send death threats to anyone who mentions it.
So, let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say that given his I’ll take it if I want it attitude that he only committed one rape and then changed his life around. Started charities, helped kids, became a girl dad etc.... Good for him. I hope that’s true. I hope he saw the faces of his daughters and imagined what he’d feel if some cocky ass baller raped them and changed who he was very deep down inside. I hope that’s true. I really and truly do.
But it happened and with all this Kobe love I feel bad for another Girl Dad and his girl too.
And that’s what’s been taking me so long to try and write.
Got to go. Doctors appt today in the Falls this morning.
Hey, we are suppose to get a foot of snow. Damn! I just jinxed it!
No. I can’t pee
Tracy
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