Part 2:

Angry:

Why does it make me angry? 

( ps: I’m writing this on my phone and there will be errors because the way I write is to type as fast as the words come to my head and to flush it out of my brain. Then, I’m too lazy to bother to go back and correct much. Autocorrect will change words and spelling and I’m mentally spent by the time my brain races through my thoughts to pour them into a page in my notes and so, I let it go. You should see my stories. My God, they look like English is my third language. It’s a mess but guess what? That’s why writers have editors and no one pays me to edit so, believe me when I tell you that the errors you catch here look like a dictionary compared to my actual writing. Sorry... detour)

Anyway.... there’s a reason, whooo boy, there’s reasons, so let’s start at the beginning....

A long long time ago I was born into Christianity. But, not just any Christianity. And if you’re confused by what that means let me explain something to you that you might not be aware of.

Not all Christian churches are the same or even teach the same or even believe the same.

It’s true.

Christianity is divided into Western and Eastern Theology. Then there are seven branches of of these two divisions: 

Catholicism 

Protestantism 

Eastern Orthodoxy

Oriental orthodoxy

Angelicism 

Assyrian

Restoration

The Protestant Sect alone has broken off into several branches which are mainly:

Catholic 

Baptist

Congregationalists

Lutherans

Methodists

Pentecostals

Presbyterian 

And those seven branches each have many offshoots of them and on and on

I was born into the Pentecostal Branch and more specifically, Evangelical.

My grandparents founded an Evangelical Branch called The Assemblies of God Church

( You’ve likely seen one every mile or so and I’ve never spoken of which church they founded before) The Assemblies of God is likely the largest branch of the Evangelical sect. 

My great aunt and uncle founded The Church of the Nazarene. Specifically the first one in my hometown. 

My other great aunt and uncle founded a church in California that was one of the very first Televangelist churches.

I was not just born into Christianity, I was born into Christian “Royalty” and therefore had a strict standard to hold. A standard that I did hold until I was old enough to see the light coming through the cracks.

I attended church twice on Sunday and once on Wednesday.

I was in a Christian Girl Scout Troupe held in my church.

I was in the Youth Group and my father was the teacher.

I only socialized with these groups of friends and most of one group belonged to the other. 

I was in choir. 

I fasted while being locked inside our church for 48 hours.

I attended several Christian summer camps and family camps throughout the PNW every summer.

I adored Bible Speak but even when deeply immersed in the culture I was unable to speak it myself. I didn’t understand why when it came so easily to every single person I knew.

I loved my upbringing.

I loved my church friends. I loved going to church. I loved church clothes and Patent leather shoes with buckles.

I loved camp. I loved it. Church was my social life. Church was my family.

I attended three churches on a regular basis.

First Assembly of God that my Grandparents made their home church. It was on Indiana street in my hometown.

I was treated like a princess. 

Open Bible which was where my cousins went and was practically on the property of North Central High-school back then. I went so often with my cousins that the church stopped calling me a visitor and just called me a member. It’s since moved twice up north of the city.

And Colbert Chapel which is self explanatory.

We knew all the hiding spots in the church and we’d play hooky from Sunday school sometimes. We didn’t consider ourselves children, I mean, seriously, people! 

I loved hymns and still do.

Church was safe for me until it wasn’t and it wasn’t ever unsafe per se, it’s just that when you’re so close to the inner workings of an organization you can see and hear, even as a child, that the magic might not be real. That pastors wives have affairs with boys in group homes and leave their families and Sunday school teachers can beat their wives or children. That prominent married members have affairs. That people are just people and everyone is human but.... wait a minute.... weren’t they telling us what was ungodly while they were shtooping the nursery school teacher? Weren’t you preaching about sins while stealing money from the church? Why are these things being kept quiet from the congregation? To protect the people or the church? Why can’t they be told and the perpetrators ask forgiveness like you tell us to do? 

Once a shimmer of light breaks through you can see all the cracks.

My second cousin got pregnant in college, married the man, but has to go onto her father’s Televangelist Sunday service to confess her sins... And she did it.

The pastor at Colbert Chapel became furious at family camp when a child threw a water balloon at him and so to retaliate he picked up a metal bucket and beat her with it.... As all of us children stood and watched until my dad and another member tackled him.

I skipped church that day and instead sat in the cab of a truck that was owned by my best friend Keri’s brother and we listened to Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

I was teased relentlessly at the age of 12 because I was going through puberty... by the girls in my cabin at church camp... my lifelong friends.

I stopped seeing church as a shiny thing to be treasured and a burden to be carried.

Not going wasn’t an option. There was that standard.

The girls I’d grown up with in my cousin’s church began to stop being friends with me. Yes, they were best friends with my cousin and therefore tolerated me but I was always left alone. Years later I realized that that was because my cousin was jealous of me. I was thin and she wasn’t. They boys at church paid attention to me and even though that made no difference to me, to her it did. Her friends didn’t like me because she was making me the enemy for just being. I was a Tom boy who raced bikes and played sports, she was such a girly girl that she was practically a walking vagina. Just a real boring lump of girl. No, I didn’t want to have tea parties all day. My make cousin, her brother, had a half pipe outside! Let’s skateboard! 

The same thing began to happen with all the girls I’d been friends with at church. 

Then one evening I came bouncing in to church on Wednesday night. Same as always and the pastors daughter was fake crying on the floor. We weren’t friends. She was two years younger than me. But all of my friends were gathered around her being all concerned while she sniffled “oh, never mind. I’m fine. No really. “ which is like throwing chum into shark infested water because it causes the female species to feel sorry for you and with that sorry comes a feeling of protection for this poor thing and as I stood at the outside of the circle wondering what on earth could be causing such drama that it was pulling in girls who had never paid her the time of day before she said..” sniff... ok.... don’t be mad” “ oh, we’re not mad!! What’s wrong?”

“Tracy is coming tonight and I just don’t like her. “ sniff sniff

And no one knows I’m standing there and they start... “ I’m so sorry. Don’t worry, we will hang out with you. Don’t worry”

And I’m flat out befuddled. I’ve never spoken three words to her. Two years age difference when you’re 15 is a LOT of difference and she had her group of friends and why she was there when she wasn’t even in our youth group and why are MY lifelong friends acting like they totally get it and by the way it’s her dad who beat one of these girls..... 

I stood there feeling like church was the least church like place at that moment and she saw me, ran off and my friends followed her. 

One year later I was shunned by my church because I was pregnant. My grandparents erased me from their family pictures. My aunt and cousins stopped speaking to me. 

My friend Keri was killed in a brutal car accident and I wondered... why her and not me? She was a bible speaker bound for bible college to be a missionary and I was....

Not that.

So, I walked away. 

From religion as as far as I could see, it was tainted by the people in it. It had left me and I was leaving it.

But I still prayed every night. Every night. 

I didn’t stop missing having a community

Which is where we are heading next...

Longing for community.

I guess this is going to be more than two parts!

Tracy