Peanut butter smoothie with flax seed and kale, please...

The difficulty 

The difficulty of grief during a pandemic.

What if you were in a burning building and your family member burned to death and the fire won’t stop raging so you can’t fall to your knees to scream at God and then there’s gun shots and the streets are filled with people when you stumble out and men are dressed like the police in a sci-fi movie and there’s a crazy guy with orange spray tan and cotton candy hair standing on dead bodies while yelling “ no need for water! Try gasoline instead! Nothing to see here. Nothing is wrong! “ 

Those deaths are unfortunate but also lies and keep moving because we need this building to start serving pizza so there’s money in the economy and keep moving! No time to stop! No time to grieve! Money money money! Sleepy Joe! Demon sperm! Radical! Good people! I need a photo in front of that church. Tear gas people to clear the way... Person woman man camera tv!! I did it! I’m so smart! I did it! Fuck masks. Fuck Fauci. Fuck science. Person woman man camera tv. I did it!

Throw in two years of a uti. A fucked up surgery gone wrong... twice. A new gyno-uro doc today. Constant pain. Constant noise in my head, worry, pain, stress, crushing, keep your chin up, wait.... my dad died. My dad died. My loss convoluted by all this other fucking shit. 

But thank God you can get your protein smoothie. Thank God.

And on Wednesday.....

I procrastinate. It’s true. Also, it doesn’t bother me. In fact, if I can put something back that I really don’t want to do, that feels like an exciting win.

Don’t judge.

I need to get blood taken. I don’t want to. This lab is in a grocery store, not a hospital. Is that better? I don’t feel like it is but......

I need these tests badly. I have got to stop winning and go!

Wanna know what a big win is??? My car tags were due in March and because everything is closed I haven’t had go get the inspection and my tags!! Woot!! Not much sucks more than the DPS.

It’s going well with YM being here, so far. She’s happy and I haven’t heard her laugh like she is in a long time. I was on the phone with Robb and had him listen. She couldn’t catch her breath and that made me love her.

I don’t believe that I would have been as strong as her at 22. Now, mind you, at that age I bought my first home, I was a single mother, I’d had NO help in raising my son, so I wasn’t some weak little daisy either, but emotionally I think I was needy. I once had a man tell me that he loved me but wasn’t IN love with me and at the time, I settled for that. Have I ever talked about that in this blog? We were actually living together so it was especially nice to know. I hate remembering things like that. It makes my heart hurt for that girl but at the same time, I taught my girls to never take less than they deserve. I suppose that I probably thought that that was all I deserved and I had nowhere to go. That’s another reason why the YM is living with me. I don’t want my children to stay in a position because they have no place to go.....

Which is something that shook me to my core when my dad passed. I’ve been married for nearly 27 years but when my dad and I started to become close, I knew that I could go to him if I ever needed too and as childish as it sounds, I suddenly had nowhere to go if my world came crashing down around me. So immature. But, it is what it is. I think that was a big part of the rage grief... pissed that he left me....

Look at me. I’m a therapist. If you need someone to talks to it’s $150 for the first hour, fresh baked goods for the rest. Sounds fair.

I have to run.

Night loves.... or, morning as the case may be!

hey.

Real quick.

I'm going to have to stop taking the Wizard of Oz medication, at least for now. It's not processing correctly...Or I should say....My kidneys are not processing it correctly, and that causes it to build up and become a poison and, well, the blood vessels in my hands are bursting, I have these red bumps all over my palms and the worst yet? I retain so much water that I'm getting up every 45 minutes to pee and by the time I wake up, my watch and my Embr Wave fall off my wrists.

 Don't get me started on peeing.

So, that's gonna be put on hold. I suppose The Wizard of Oz was way too high of a bar to set.

My YM moved in tonight. It's her story to tell but I'd like to say how proud I am of her. She's such a trusting soul who sees the world through rose-colored glasses even though she's had life go very wrong for her once upon a time. She still retains her softness. Animals, babies, and humans are drawn to her. Every one of our pets that have passed has sought her out to hold them while they let go. She's light.....I've always worried that she wasn't strong. That she'd be a follower and not a leader. That she'd let her heart lead her down paths best left alone and that I couldn't protect her from those things because I get it. I get wanting to love someone who doesn't love you back in the way you deserve and who won't treat you like you're special but there's that thing. That thing that buzzes and feels like butterflies and that place that reaches in and grabs you and pulls you close, and you want it to, beg it to and then it suddenly pushes you away, turns it's back, becomes something else, but you think...Someday.....

And then who am I to walk her through a different path? But I did. I did teach her to be strong and independent and have her things she loves that she'll keep important and to set priorities and stick to them.  I tried to teach all my children those things. YOU are special and irreplaceable to funny and intelligent and worthy and YOU choose your paths. You don't NEED anyone. You can love someone but it's not your job to fix them or beg them or cry for them. YOU be the person that's wanted. You be the strong force of nature that you're capable of.

And.....She is. She's a force of nature who knows what she wants and what she doesn't. She blows her own way and knows when she's being held down by the string like a kite and while she let that go on for what we all thought was much too long, she knew when it was enough for her. It caught him off guard. Taking those rose-colored glasses off to look him in the eye and say.....Not today. I've given until I'm empty. I must choose another path.

There are bumpy paths with even adult children but one day they do something and you think....."I've taught them well. " and there is a sense of pride in that. That your mistakes and insecurities and short fallings and fears have all been for a reason. Lessons. For you and for them. I'm glad for those. They haven't made me weak. They've made me brave. Able to confront my fears and mistakes and choices and reconcile them. Each a building block.

Have a great day. Stay safe. Seriously.

Much love,

Me

Coming to your from Hot As Hell....

Q to A

I forgot to do this one. My bad. Here we go.

1. Are you embarrassed to talk about your depression, anxiety, and medication? Have you started your new medicine?

       It’s not my favorite but if we don’t start talking about these things as if they are as valid as other illnesses or whatever then how are people going to stop being afraid to get help? If you were having chest pains, a rash that wouldn’t go away, migraines, you’d see a doctor, possibly get medication and you wouldn’t care who knew. This needs to be the same.

Yes. I’ve started my new medication a few days ago. I’m not caring for it. It makes me tense my muscles and then I kind of... shake like its cold. I’m not a fan but it takes 2-3 weeks to get the best idea of its working.

1. Do you communicate with any exes?

     A couple. I’ve spoken to Rob a couple of times. That’s....... a strange experience because your brain hears a voice, recognizes it and promptly forgets that you’re not 15. I still talk to my ex/also my roommate, from time to time.

I’m pretty luck because I have like three that I can talk to, I mean, ya, there are a couple of douche bags and one real fucking prick, but, some nice people too. Like ex/ roommate, we were in this place where I didn’t want a “boyfriend “ and he was good with that but we were also good friends that could listen to shit that people dating probably wouldn’t talk about with that person. I intentionally put a disconnect up with him because I’d recently had my heart dragged down the street and set in fire. He got that. Knew me during the end of that and was exactly what I needed. Understanding and made me have fun when I wasn’t feeling like it. 

This  sounds like I dated a lot of guys, which I did not do. It’s like... 7 people, including my husband, so.... that’s pretty good. 

1. do your children know that you struggle with depression and anxiety? 

I HATE the word “struggle” ( not your fault) because it makes people sound weak. I’m not weak by any stretch of the imagination. I “experience” depression, anxiety, and some fun things that come with those. And yes, my children know. There’s a couple of reasons they know  1) I want them to see that I’m not perfect and that talking about these things is as normal as talking about a heart defect. People aren’t shamed for heart defects. 2) I NEED them to know that they can always talk to me and I will not judge and can relate. That has been a remarkably useful advantage. 3) it’s likely that based on heredity, they could experience similar feelings and that’s not for me to continue talking about for them. 

1. Do you live in Dallas? I think I know where you live. Not a stalker. Promise

I don’t expect stalkers to tell on themselves. One of the reasons that I live where I live is because I had a stalker who found out where I lived because I have a big mouth. My building is secured. Nobody can come in who doesn’t have the method we use to enter the building and nobody lets the “pizza guy” run in asking for us to keep the door open. Not only is it not allowed but it’s why we live here.

So, it took me that long to say that you may be the sweetest woman... or man.... on this planet but I can not answer that.  

1. what do you think about Trump and all the shit he’s mired in lately?

     I think that I spend too much time on Twitter telling people how I think and I really really need to knock it off. Wear your mask.

I have to go.

My grandson came over tonight and my heart nearly couldn’t hold all the pure love.

Luvs!

Tracy

Hey, it’s Wednesday. How thrilling....

Wednesday 

Unless you live in a cave, then I suppose you know that Texas IS a plague now... I mean, officially. Yay. Winning!

Halloween is gonna be fucked.

I did get to see my newest grandson, as I assume you figured out from my last blog, and I think his parents are bringing him over this weekend. We have one grandchild who still has Covid. 

While locked in the house I have literally removed nearly all the large belongings that we moved in with and completely redecorated. I want the loft feel in the loft.... although it does have distinct bedrooms, it’s still a loft. We are having one wall painted a dark grey, I have gotten a decent start on a gallery wall as well. Mostly my art but it won’t have to be limited to that. I love it here still. I have purchased interesting objects that are either educational or visually interesting in some way or both. Plus furniture and storage that is multifunctional to clear up space and I absolutely love it. It feels like little surprises around every corner. Very enjoyable. The grandkids will love it. I once, well many times, house sat for a neighbor who was a teacher. Her home was filled with educational treasures from around the world and poofs used for sitting and storage etc... I’ve always wanted to do that. Decorate with the first patents of things like bicycles, scuba suits, telephone etc... very simple, a lot of fun. 

And..... I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. Over video, of course. 

She’s the first of her kind that I’m completely honest with. I don’t allow myself to feel like I have to feel Fine, Great, Couldn’t be better! Now let’s talk about you!! And veer off topic and nervous talk endlessly until my time is up. 

I tell her that it’s dark and cold and I’m lonely without my dad and I cry a lot and poor Robb, goodness, we hold each other up some days. 

My husband has never experienced the dark. The pit where the water is around your ears and yet you must solve all the things with three, maybe four, back up plans and it makes your mind AND body hurt and I can easily sleep and skip days if I’d allow myself and I need to keep my body and brain busy to keep out the worst from slithering in like the smoke from a lit cigarette winding it’s way on a thin snakelike cloud of smoke, almost hypnotizing in the way it winds and twirls and dances in through the cracks that the sunlight used to come through and blocks out the rays of hope and scrawls, Hopelessness, sorrow, sadness, grief, worthless, on the walls of your brain....

I’m being placed on an experimental drug that I’m not going to mention so that the Google detectives don’t go to work on finding out every little thing so that I can be emailed by Internet MD’s and given the thoughts on all the things.

But, fantastic things are supposed to happen if it works “Life changing” “creates color in your black and white world” “ feels like a completely different person” “ never think these thoughts again” “ incapable of conjuring up the dark even if you try”

It’s like the god damn Wizard of Oz, people! Leave the black, step out into the color. Feel the Joy.

I actually can’t even imagine that. Can’t picture it. I don’t want to lose “Me” though, you know. Snarky and quirky and generally a smart ass. I don’t want to be a fairy or a unicorn or a person who.... God forbid..... whistles!! Smiles all the time!!!! That is forbidden! What if I start snapping my fingers along to the elevator music!!!!! Help me!

I’ll keep you updated of course. I know how you must be on pins and needles waiting for those updates about depression and anxiety! What a thrilling way to spend a day!

Ok, cattails to you!!

Tracy

Today..

Few moments....

I have very few moments of true joy in my memories. I could probably list them all here. True joy. And I’m not speaking of the usual list of things like the day you get married or your children are born or things like that.

Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. Most of my moments of true joy are connected to music in some way. Parked in a dark and empty parking lot waiting for Jo-ry to come out of his job at 1am. Playing the radio loudly and as he walks out, he hears the song, released when he was just a toddler, and he starts dancing. I’m laughing, get out of the car and dance too. Fifty yards apart, dancing silly to Lionel Ritchie. Pure joy. Unexpected joy.

That’s the best part of life. Those planned vacations and birthdays and holidays, they rarely bring me the pure joy that breaks through the grey and beams a ray of light on my soul.  

But the unexpected road trip. The unplanned blizzard that allowed me to drive my kids up to Flag to see snow for the first time they could remember, the unplanned trip Cheryl and I took in the middle of the night to the Oregon Coast for three days. Standing on a beach in Newport, tears in my eyes, the beauty so incredible. Pure joy.

The road trip I called in sick for, or maybe I said that I had a funeral to go to? Oh, that’s dark! 

Me, Cheryl, Scott driving and my brother. Going to get Scott’s things from the home he’d just shared with his ex-wife. We drank wine coolers and played the music loud. Danced. Laughed at stupid jokes.. You have a point there, and if you combed your hair differently you wouldn’t even notice. 

Standing at a Bryan Adams concert, pinkies entwined. My heart races and I can’t even tell which song it was. But I can remember how the pinky felt.

Laying in the sand at Bear Lake. Jack and Diane plays on the boom box. Rob grabs my hand, squats down, I get on his shoulders and we go into the water to chicken fight with two friends. 

Dancing on Disney Walk to Boys to Men at 1am. Twinkling lights. No one around. 

Me, the boy, YM singing Ballroom Blitz on the ride home from Oklahoma in the middle of the night.

Taking my newborn grandson into my arms for the first time and he snuggles his head into my chest and squeaks tiny little squeaks of comfort until he falls back asleep letting me kiss is tiny head. From the pictures he doesn’t appear just how tiny he is. My palm larger than his head. His earlobes so miniscule  and perfect. Perfection. Here’s a miracle, ready? You might not have ever realized this before....but any child of your daughter ( if you’re a woman) you carried in your womb as well because a girl fetus gets all the eggs she will ever get while in her mother’s womb, therefore, created by the grandmother. This boy, carried in my womb first, created by me, first. As I hold him I cry tears of real and true joy at the miracle that he is. His perfectness. Him without any mistakes or regrets. Him without any scars on his body or heart. Him, all trust, no one has broken a promise or his heart or his will or his pride or determination or dreams. Full of the future. Only knows love and adoration and compassion and commitment. 

Joy in its purest form is better than anything else in the world. It is the brightest and shiniest parts of love. 

It’s a blessing to know joy. It’s more of a blessing to recognize it when it happens. To feel the memory take hold with its warmth. To take in the sounds, smells and environment. Warm night, cold day, loud music, cramped car, warm sand, skin, the smell of a neck, the air drums, the dancing like no one is watching.

Grand children. Born from you through your offspring. Amazing.

Nothing bad will be written today. Just joy today. 

Me

Red Zone

Everyone is in quarantine in the family. A grandchild has Covid. The husband was exposed to a co-worker, another grandchild has a mom with Covid. The OM has had to be tested.

The oldest son can’t come.

It’s crazy.

But so far, still ok.

Me