Wednesday
Unless you live in a cave, then I suppose you know that Texas IS a plague now... I mean, officially. Yay. Winning!
Halloween is gonna be fucked.
I did get to see my newest grandson, as I assume you figured out from my last blog, and I think his parents are bringing him over this weekend. We have one grandchild who still has Covid.
While locked in the house I have literally removed nearly all the large belongings that we moved in with and completely redecorated. I want the loft feel in the loft.... although it does have distinct bedrooms, it’s still a loft. We are having one wall painted a dark grey, I have gotten a decent start on a gallery wall as well. Mostly my art but it won’t have to be limited to that. I love it here still. I have purchased interesting objects that are either educational or visually interesting in some way or both. Plus furniture and storage that is multifunctional to clear up space and I absolutely love it. It feels like little surprises around every corner. Very enjoyable. The grandkids will love it. I once, well many times, house sat for a neighbor who was a teacher. Her home was filled with educational treasures from around the world and poofs used for sitting and storage etc... I’ve always wanted to do that. Decorate with the first patents of things like bicycles, scuba suits, telephone etc... very simple, a lot of fun.
And..... I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. Over video, of course.
She’s the first of her kind that I’m completely honest with. I don’t allow myself to feel like I have to feel Fine, Great, Couldn’t be better! Now let’s talk about you!! And veer off topic and nervous talk endlessly until my time is up.
I tell her that it’s dark and cold and I’m lonely without my dad and I cry a lot and poor Robb, goodness, we hold each other up some days.
My husband has never experienced the dark. The pit where the water is around your ears and yet you must solve all the things with three, maybe four, back up plans and it makes your mind AND body hurt and I can easily sleep and skip days if I’d allow myself and I need to keep my body and brain busy to keep out the worst from slithering in like the smoke from a lit cigarette winding it’s way on a thin snakelike cloud of smoke, almost hypnotizing in the way it winds and twirls and dances in through the cracks that the sunlight used to come through and blocks out the rays of hope and scrawls, Hopelessness, sorrow, sadness, grief, worthless, on the walls of your brain....
I’m being placed on an experimental drug that I’m not going to mention so that the Google detectives don’t go to work on finding out every little thing so that I can be emailed by Internet MD’s and given the thoughts on all the things.
But, fantastic things are supposed to happen if it works “Life changing” “creates color in your black and white world” “ feels like a completely different person” “ never think these thoughts again” “ incapable of conjuring up the dark even if you try”
It’s like the god damn Wizard of Oz, people! Leave the black, step out into the color. Feel the Joy.
I actually can’t even imagine that. Can’t picture it. I don’t want to lose “Me” though, you know. Snarky and quirky and generally a smart ass. I don’t want to be a fairy or a unicorn or a person who.... God forbid..... whistles!! Smiles all the time!!!! That is forbidden! What if I start snapping my fingers along to the elevator music!!!!! Help me!
I’ll keep you updated of course. I know how you must be on pins and needles waiting for those updates about depression and anxiety! What a thrilling way to spend a day!
Ok, cattails to you!!
Tracy
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