YOU DON’T NEED PEOPLE WONDERING WHY WE BROKE APART

 GREAT PRETENDER HERE I GO………

I’m listening to that right now. Music and I have been spending a lot of time together lately. Music and art. Sooo many paintings. I just float for a couple of hours.

My oldest son spoke with my husband the other day. He spoke something to me just before that and said something to me that was hard to grasp from your child. I’ll spare you, for him and for me, but, I felt it shift. Life. Pain. History and here and now and what never will be. It was so furious and full of rage. This over baby food. But not. He told his dad that I’d told him that it was time he moved out on his own when he was younger and he feels nothing but rage about it and won’t speak to me until I can validate his pain…. He was 25 years old and we were moving to Texas in two weeks. He wanted to stay in AZ with his then girlfriend, now wife. He called it…. Get this, 

Childhood Trauma.

And spit verbal hate at me. ME. We were best friends before her. The jealousy of her has ruined it all. I don’t recognize him. It’s shifted. It wasn’t as traumatic as I’d thought it would be, then, I never thought I’d hear his hatred of me.

Spoke with the oldest daughter. There’s something wrong in her. She’s always been tough but it’s more than that. It will be long and slow with that one. The cobra mad at the world. Her medication isn’t correct anymore? Hard to ask that of the cobra looking for a reason to strike. So much of my mother being passed through blood. Thought for sure that I’d done everything humanly possible to curve that basic instinct at the base of the brain for decades of my mother’s bio family. DECADES. So many lost and angry souls. Tried to smother that with love. Not sure that that’s possible. 

However, we get to see the babies and that was the goal. Saw my love Lincoln tonight. He has filled a hole somehow but I can’t risk getting him ripped away and going through hell again. The only cure for that…. Love less? The option kills me.

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The youngest boy had a biopsy done and as it turns out he has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome… Thanks to me.

This means that surgery will not help him. His muscles, joints, blood vessels, stretch. Our hands do tricks like bending our thumb to our wrists. We can sit, legs out and bend our knees in the wrong direction, same with elbows. AND it can cause heart problems so we’ll be seeing a cardiologist but that should be ok once things are monitored well. Really not worried so much about that. 

It’s hereditary and explains why my knee caps used to pop off and my hip joints let my legs fall out sometimes, my shoulders too.

It breaks my heart for him and he is let down but handling it very well. He says that he didn’t fail and he pushed his body as hard as it could go and he’s proud of that and so am I. That’s  all you can ask for. I’m very proud.