See ya later, alligator

 I don’t have the taste for being fucked off anymore. That was very British of me, thanks for that , Robb!

As I was saying, I’m not hanging around for people who don’t give a fuck. So, adios amigos, sorry to regular readers but I don’t have the time for a bear in my life. I’ve got too much going on to sit on my hands waiting for just a wee spot of sunshine every few months. I’m worthy. Always have been. Always will be.

And for the regular readers, maybe I’ll start a new blog and send out an email.

Night, Tracy 

Rage

 I’m just so fucking mad. I’m living in a constant state of rage and trying to shove it down but it boils over and drips from my eyes in the form of tears. Catching my breath. My chest heaving while I try to pull just a little more oxygen from all the thick air around me. Hands constantly shaking. My body trying to release the anxiety buzzy through me like the power lines on a silent night. I paint and paint while listening to sad songs to feel something other than resentment and pain and rage. 

Rage is like a forest fire, it doesn’t care about the damage it’s doing, in fact it eats up everything in reach feeding on the heat to keep going. 

My daughter, this won’t be hard to figure out which one, the daughter who punched me when she couldn’t tamp down her forest fire and who yelled words that come from a place of burnt feelings. The daughter that felt like a tornado while growing up. Skipping from here to there destroying feelings lashing out the as the debris flies into my heart. Does she feel anything other than rage? Is she capable of compassion and empathy? Is her path to destroy me? 

My thoughts go on and on and on …. Why? What happened? Has she finally shed the last remnants of the parts of her that were fiercely loyal. She had that quality. She got that from me. A firewall of loyalty. If nothing else she could be depended on to focus that rage towards the one who hurt the ones she protected. It’s been left in a pile of ashes still smoldering, her foot print firmly pressed into the residue after the crushed the bits that remained.

She’s telling people that she was abused.  Traumatized to the point of having memory loss and unable to function. She’s gone yet I’m still surrounded by rage. My own. She told me once that she could do and say the things to me that she did because I was the one person who would take it and still be there.

That isn’t true anymore. I have to remove her from my heart. Surgically with fine precision before I rip her out with my bare hands. 

God, I’d make different choices if I could go back. I’d protect my heart and make different choices to hold onto my peace. I know that parents aren’t suppose to feel that and especially don’t say that out loud or write it down.

This is my private place. Maybe take a lighter and burn it.

Me

Hey.

 So the fun news is that I’m struggling with depression. I hate the word ‘struggkin’…. I’m DEALING with depression. I feel like maybe it’s situational, is it? On top of that my recently diagnosed Auto Immune disease is jerking my chain. I couldn’t swim for 6 days because it was raining everyday, which normally would make me swoon, but I haven’t been able to be in the water and that has made it rear it’s ugly head. 

The thing about water is that full body compression from the water not only helps keep the pain away but is great for lymph draining. It’s the perfect exercise in every way, all muscles are used and it’s great cardio and the compression is fantastic.

 So we went swimming on Thursday, me and Joshua, but the water was too cold for him to get in. Puss! I swam for 2.5 hours and it felt so great… until I get out and gravity hits… then it rained Friday, went today and the husband wouldn’t get in because it was too cold… ps: 90 degrees outside… but somehow the water manages to be cold. I swam for 1.5 hours and the laud in the sun. First time that the lounge chair didn’t try to burn my skin off. I usually have to put it in the sun deck part of the pool and soak it for a second

I have so many scars from swimming this summer! Scrapes in my feet, my calves, my elbows and my knees! I haven’t had scrapes on my knees for DECADES. Good times.

I’ve been asked what my diagnosis is for me new disease friend but I’m intentionally not posting it because I investigate everything until it’s just a powder I can blow away and have done that with this. I, kindly, don’t want or need advice. Sorry. 

I have found some new music that I am LOVING!! 

Benson Boone’s Beautiful Things and Pretty Slowly are so fucking good! Pretty Slowly will break your heart. You will die. 

Kaleo: Way Down is so good!

Olivia Rodrigo : Vampire… probably an acquired taste but I love it

Post Malone : Pour Me a Drink ( country music) I love PM! If you’ve never watched him in an interview, do. He is so soft and teddy bear and sweet and kind. Just adorable.  Such a good person. I guess that’s why we don’t judge a book by its cover. 

Hozier: Too Sweet… omg. So good!!! So so good. 

 Funny because I’d added it to my playlist several weeks ago and then went to the pool and there was a man already there( probably my age) playing his music and this song came on. I said, ; I love this song! And then we bonded over music. My son has been sitting in the cabana but after a few minutes of this guy and I talking Josh came into the pool. So sweet! He’s protective… of his daddy 😂 although a couple of months ago a Trump supporter and I were discussing politics in the pool and Josh came in to “protect me” which I don’t need by a long shot but Josh was being sweet. I, on the other hand, said sternly… “ He’s a fucking rapist” and just as I said it, to put the exclamation point at the end, I fell off my floaty. That pretty much sums me up. 

Jax: I Choose Violence. Maybe just a girl kind of thing.

Molly Hocking : I’ll Never Love Again. Omg! So good. Cover of  A Star Is Born song  by Lady Gaga. So good. It will kill you.

Sabrina Carpenter: Please Please Please. It’s so good but also fucking funny. 

Chappel Roan: My Kink is Karna. Also, maybe a girl thing.

Lewis Capaldi: Before You Go. Heartbreaking!!! You can feel it in your soul. 

Well, just listening to these songs while posting has been good for my soul. 

One more thing! Football started so I get to hang out with my dad! Ya, maybe the depression is situational. 

Killing me to see pictures.

Me.

The End is Near

 The end of summer that is. This is the first summer in like… 30+ years that I’ve squeezed the max from. Swimming nearly everyday and it’s been amazing. The water is warm, of course, it was 117 degrees out the other day… today was 98 degrees, so while the season is leaving the heat is not. It’s supposed to rain ever day this week coming up and that will keep me from the pool, which sucks. I think they close it sometime in September anyway so, I’ll be going back to riding the bike or running on the treadmill, both of which hurt my knee. Ugh. I’m going to really miss summer and that hasn’t happened in decades.  I even bought some bikinis this year. 

Anyway! My youngest child will be turning 22 this weekend. His birthday will be in the actual day of the week that he was born too! My Labor Day baby… he was due on Friday the 13th. I bought my first house at 22 years old. That was either really brave or really naive.  Gonna go with brave. 

That little house on Courtland saw so many major events in my life. It saw the tail end of me letting go of a bear, it saw me become engaged, twice 😁 it saw me deeply depressed and suicidal. It saw me learn how to grow from that. It saw a whole new life start for me when I moved in. Completely new friend group. Completely new activities from softball to darts to poker… it saw roommates and meeting Doug. It saw parties and me get married and a few months later become pregnant and at the same time it saw Cheryl get pregnant and Doug and his girlfriend get pregnant and between the three of us we waddled on walks and sat in my steps sharing a hose to cool us off during a record breaking hot summer. Then it again saw a whole new life. I then had baby number 3 in that house, my mom died, Cheryl’s brother was murdered in the parking lot of a downtown Arby’s… Two sister in laws struggling with pregnancies , one miscarriage , one still born. Both women were true soulmates. It saw us outgrow the place even after remodeling her. It watched as we drove a massive moving truck away to another life starting, one more child to be born, Doug dying, no more of him sitting in his porch swing keeping an eye on “The Old Girl” for me. Promising that he’d never become friends with the new owners 😂

My son could not be further from my 22 years old. I’d experienced so much by that age. At 24 I stopped going to clubs because I felt too old for that! 

What a trip to see him, my last child, turning 22. My oldest will be….. Wait for it…… Fucking Forty years old! Damn! He’ll be in his 40’s while I’m in my 50’s. How weird is that!?

Anyway, just rambling on. I got my Etsy store up and running. I’ve started my programming for the 31 days of Halloween. I want to get the videos locked and loaded in their queue so I’m not pressured in October. It’s been good. I’m good. 

Tracy

DEATH

 I can not process the idea of someone dying. Like, it breaks my brain to imagine a clicking clock- Tick Tock-Tick Tock- counting down. 60, 59,58,57 seconds until it’s over. 

I’ve lost many people in my life, grandparents, parents, three best friends…

But last week I lost one of my Birds. A 21yr old girl whom I had coached from the age of 8 through 18. Sharing a name with one of my daughters. 

If anything is true, I loved my birds. With my husband traveling I’d spent more time with them in a gym playing and practicing volleyball then I did with him! I love my birds.

She was trying to pass a truck and hit another truck head on. She was pronounced dead at the scene. Nobody else was injured. 

There will be a “ Celebration of Life” in a couple of weeks. So we’ll be taking the drive up there then swinging by somewhere in the Falls. The incredibly sad thing is that my girls won’t even know that we will be there. How stupid is that. Things like this happen in the blink of an eye and I just cannot imagine families breaking up over nothing and now our close friends don’t have their daughter.  My kids should remember what’s really important in life. Such a loss.

Look to the moon’

Me.

Q&A

 I’ve had so many emails asking question that I thought I’d do a few:

1) you used to talk about makeup a lot. Do you still like makeup?

You have a good memory!!! I LOVE makeup and now I’ve added perfumes and serums. I’m a junky and it brings me joy!!

2) haven’t heard you mention your brother in ages. Talking to him or no?

I don’t think I’ve spoken to my brother for …. 7 years? 8? Long time. Can’t have him in my life. Wish I had a “normal” brother… in the meantime, my friend Robb fills in.

Speaking of Robb…

3) Haven’t heard you and Robb do a podcast in a long time. Still friends? Will you go back to Exit Light?

I speak to Robb almost daily… well, nightly for me. We’ve been friends now for close to ten years and we still find stuff to talk about for hours. 

I’m not sure about Exit Light’s future…. I do miss it a lot though. I know that Robb and I will be doing a podcast soon to ramp up for the 31 Days of Halloween. I’m excited about doing that for my .. 11th( ?) year in a row. I’ve been stock piling stories all year. I had an offer to buy my channel. Sometimes people do that, there’s a channel I watch call EWU. Started out as a guy and his daughter and then they sold it and its content changed, still about crimes but super put together like Dateline. I don’t think I could do it. All my written stories, I think there’s something like, 300(?), would then belong to someone else, I can’t see me doing that, plus I’d feel like I let my little community down. 

3) How did you break your foot?

Long story short. My husband accidentally dropped a hammer on it from about 7-8 ft above. It’s not healing all that well. My orthopedic surgeon just keeps telling me to wait it out but I think it will never be the same again. Shoes are an issue!!!! And I LOVE shoes!

4) you must have been pretty young when your oldest was born. Is your husband his father too?

RUDE! I was young. My husband has been his dad by every measurable way.

5) you’ve seemed much less depressed lately. You good?

I’m really good. Feeling my spicy feisty sparkly self. 

Ok, must be going. Night luvs! 

Me

Ok, Here’s The Thing…

 I’m NOT a pool person. Never, not even once, have I thought “ I’d like a house with a pool.” Nope. First, I don’t like deep ends. They literally take my breath away and I feel panicked. Next, I don’t like to jump or dive into a pool. Then, I don’t like to splashy splashy and I LOATHE getting splashed. You want to see me turn into a demon, splash me, I dare you. Additionally, I get bored pretty easily and pools bore me. Also, everywhere we’ve lived since Arizona has had a pool which attracts children and I no longer enjoy children. I can’t like their noise, I can’t like them being by me, I have turned into a bitchy cat lady without the cats. Lucky for me, my husband also dislikes children. To be honest, I’ve never liked kids if they weren’t my own, with the LARGE exception of my volleyball girlies. Loved their sass. 

Anyway, there are rarely children in either of our pools. Bonus… And we bought these floaty thingamajigs that have an inflated tube like thing on the top and bottom and in between is mesh. Keep that in mind….

I’ve been exercising to help my mental health. It’s so fucking boring! And my left knee , that I had surgery on, 40!!!! Years ago, hurts when riding a bike. Which is total bullshit, obviously. So….

Started swimming between 3-4 days per week. It hurts nothing but my broken foot ( and my foot needs to get TF over it already) I swimmy swim swim for about 1.5-2 hours and then float around for about an hour, maybe a little more. We have two pools, one with these fountain dealios and one without. The one with it bright and sunny, the one without is surrounded by trees and cicada noises and it literally looks and sounds like you are in a Bayou. I like the sound of the flowing water so we go there. Floating in the water on these kick ass floaties calms my heart rate to 60 bpm and feels a hundred times better than therapy. I LOVE IT. I NEED IT. I CRAVE IT. 

What has happened to me?

I hate getting out, even after three hours, because it calms me into a coma. Whoever goes with me( husband/son) does the same thing and we barely talk. It’s amazing. 

Now, I do not lay out to tan. I’ve said this a hundred times, people who are in the sun their whole lives look like an old leather couch. I’m NOT into the look….But, as a side effect of being in the pool I am super tan… mostly. 

Finally… HERE’S THE THING… I am soooo Scottish that my skin rebels against tanning, well, not all my skin, just the entire back of my legs and under my arms. So I have been laying out a bit to force a tan on those parts. Does it work? No! Wtf?! I look like I use self tanner and forget that I have the back of my legs and arms! And, I don’t turn that lovely tan color, nope, my tan is brown and red. Like a reddish brown. Wtf?! My husband looks like he’s Hispanic, I look like a blotchy red/brown WHITE AS A SHEET WHITE GIRL. 

Then I moisturize until the cows come home because I don’t need the wrinkles, Baby! 

My point being, I’m going to be sad when the pool closes ( probably in September) so I’m thinking about joining a club where I can swim BUT, you can’t float around and …. Fucking children. Hrmph!

It is working so well for my mental health. I’m feeling so much more human and it feels good.

That was a short story made LONG. 

I got an iPhone 15 in January. I just returned it and got a new one because it was burning the shite out of me and wouldn’t charge. Apparently this is what they do. My new one is doing it too. My PSA don’t get one, I hear that the 16 is going to solve the problem. Lucky me, stuck with the brick of fire. Ouch!

No contact with my children. It’s so much easier now than when it first happened. I’m good. I’m pissed. But emotionally/ mentally, I’m good. I hardly ever cry anymore. Maybe my heart is in a steel box but if that’s what works, then good for me! It’s a weird situation. That’s the update I’ve been getting emails asking for. Nothing new, except me handling it so much better. 

Miss my bear. Where are you? 

Blue Moon,

Me

Boy, it’s been awhile….

 Things are good here. I’m feeling great emotionally and physically. I’m treating my new autoimmune disease with supplements instead of steroids and I’m winning! There are down days but pretty few of them and I’m just feeling so much more energized and happy. 

I ride my bike for about five miles on the days that I don’t go swimming and then I do a workout in the pool for about 2-3 hours and that’s really helping the muscle pain and my emotional wellbeing. We have four small waterfalls that pour into pool and science shows that hearing running water and even just looking at water calms the mind, lowers anxiety and helps depression. Plus being in the sun for even a short time helps with mental health. I try to stay in that shaded part of the pool to cut down on exposure because I have dainty baby skin that blisters! And, I do not want the leather skin look. When I get out I shower and use a shower oil and then moisturize moisturize moisturize! Until the cows come home! 

I have to admit, I do like me with more freckles more better. I won’t wear any makeup but mascara and lipstick. 

I don’t enjoy summer down here on the devil’s butt but I’ve been enjoying it this year. I just feel so much happier. 

My foot, still broken ! I am supposed to walk on it some without a boot so I do. The crushed tissue is not wanting to heal but doc says that’s ok and to just wait it out but do massage it and roll a tennis ball on it and try bending the toes. Seriously, this happened in January! If that isn’t my luck then I don’t know what is!!!

Haven’t spoken to my children and it’s getting lighter and lighter. OM is getting a divorce. I’m not supposed to know, of course, but Josh stayed with her for 10 days a couple of weeks ago and so I was told all the details. He went to visit YM and her boyfriend as he flew in from California. He’s been accepted to Berkeley so I imagine that he’ll be pretty busy and won’t come back for a while. He and Joshua have become pretty good friends. We have not met him as YM has gone the way of her older siblings. I’ll tell you the reason some time… it’s just so fucking incredible. I try not to bring it into my thoughts.  Can’t say that I’m shocked that OM is getting divorced. She’s just not a nice person and her husband is a special kind of stupid. He… boy, he did something so shitty to her that it’s breath taking! Karma, She punches.

I’ve been thinking of a bear and lately I’ve been visiting the bear in my dreams every night. Not our age now but when a bear and I were young. In my dreams circumstances are completely different and there’s just me and a bear. I love the visits. 

Gotta go.

Look up at the moon and that’s where you’ll find me.

Here’s the Deal….

 If I had a nickel for every time that I started a sentence like that I’d be a billionaire. Is that an 80’s thing?

Anyway…

Here’s the deal. First, I hate it when a bear hurts and I’m sorry.

This is for me, not making it “about me.” Those are two very different things so please understand that.

I found out about a death a couple weeks ago. My heart got caught in my throat. My brain was running on pure adrenaline. Like five hamsters per wheel. The boxes I so expertly shove memories and emotions into starting blowing their lids off. I was inside my head for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to talk. I couldn’t deal with small talk nor did I  want to be awake. I pulled into my shell. Everyone asking “ What’s wrong?” I didn’t want to release the news. I needed to hold it close to my soul so that I could try and filter the emotions, memories , life, by myself.

My husband isn’t really known for being the greatest at understanding empathy. I can break open my heart and let an emotion pour out and his idea of support is something like “ you can deal with it in your own time/way.” When I’m wanting to go so deep into understanding why I’m feeling this way, where did I get it from, why is this my reaction, is this a protection mode learned as a child or am I just an asshole for thinking, feeling these feelings”  he hates talking about the kids. He’s got his own boxes.

I mean, I am a two semester psychiatrist, after all.

So after a couple of days I called  Robb “ Ok, here’s the deal…” to which he replied “ uh oh” 

We hashed it out, beat it to a red spot where the dead horse used to be. My husband likes that Robb is a former counselor. It saves us a lot of money. Robb gets it. Robb can walk me through a thought while being all British with his “ please excuse me if this is going to far” and his “ if I’m hearing you correctly, is it that you feel like….?” Or “ Have you thought that perhaps this feeling is tied to ( an example)” Everything sounds better and more comforting with an English accent…. And he ALWAYS gets me. His advice or guidance is always spot on. I did also make an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. 

What is difficult to do in this situation is hold two thoughts in my head that should negate each other. That they are so opposed to each other that it can’t seem possible to feel them at the same time.

How can you …. Feel like an old friend has passed and feel sadness deeply over that while at the exact time feel rage and hate and pure burning pain deeply. One so cold and lonely and one white hot. 

We were friends. We did sit on 5 Mile hill solving the world’s problems and go on motorcycle rides late into the night stopping in some bar out in the middle of nowhere to get hot chocolate. I did drag him to my family reunions to pretend that he was my boyfriend. We did go dancing and laugh and played basketball outside of the apartment he shared with his brother when the brother didn’t come back to the apartment those nights and my heart hurt. AND he was the person who sexually assaulted me. Molested my body. I never had him pick me up where I lived. I honestly don’t know if he knew where I lived. My gut was telling me that I needed him to drop me off at my brother’s apt. That I was unsafe if drunk and outside of his car. If I let him into my apartment. One time he wouldn’t leave me outside my brother’s place ( for the record my brother never knew that I was using his apartment door as my drop off place because I’d wait a few minutes and leave) but on this night… he wouldn’t leave. I had to push him away. Nicely, of course. That’s what women do. We went round and round for probably 20 minutes until he got the message. That was after “ Shhh, Mike’s asleep” “no, he’ll be worried about me.” “ Dude, you need to go to bed”……I leaned against my brother’s door, sitting with my legs pulled up, my arms wrapped around them and waited for a half an hour before I went to my car, making sure that he was gone. I’ve never told that to ANYONE. But he said if S had been like me he would have married her… but he’d push his dick up against my back…

Both Robb AND my psychiatrist told me that it’s ok to hold both thoughts because to me, both thoughts ARE TRUE. 

So here’s the deal…You can mourn a loss and also feel that a chapter has finally ended. 

Look to the moon and that’s where I’ll be.

Tracy

Where do I start?

 Will this be read? I have no way of knowing.

But, here goes, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that the relationship wasn’t a great one but still, even if my brother died I’d feel more alone in the world. Talk to the moon and I will hear it.

Thank you for the pics lately. I’ve loved the sharing!!! So so much, you just don’t even know.

I was shocked to see his photo. I can barely barely see him in there anymore. To me you and Ron look so much more like you always have. The contrast was jarring.

I’m trying to hurry up and process my feelings over this but I don’t know where to start. So many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, memories, so so much…… 

Finality is a strange type of shadow in the corner. 

My thoughts are with you. Always are. 

Tracy

I’m here!!!

 Ok let’s get started…

- My broken foot. Still broken! Get this, the bone marrow was squeezed out of the bones! Wt actual F! You could see it in the MRI. I LOVE reading the mri results and blood test results and anything medical like that. I’m a quirky girl. Anyway, doc said at LEAST six more months of healing. I’m on mega doses of vitamin D to help it heal. Went to a concert in my front yard last week and wore Docs, figured that they are super hard around the toe box and really wide so should be good to go. WRONG. Came home bruised to hell and back but I had a great time so,,, meh. Won’t do it again. I miss wearing pairs of shoes! I’m going to wear out all my left shoes and the right ones are gonna look new! Damn, don’t mess with hammers, kids, they will fuck you up! 

2) This new disease I have. Basically my autoimmune immune system is attacking the muscles in my upper arms, thighs, neck, and upper and lower back. It literally paralyzes my muscles and hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I can’t get into the doc I want, he’s in a University of Texas Hospital and specializes in this, until AFTER Thanksgiving. Ya… I said that. What? My primary will not give me any medication for it, don’t get me started…. Now, most days it’s painful but not paralyzing or that kind of pain, but out of the blue a day will knock me on my ass. Like the day after the concert….. totally worth it but I did cry like a baby, not gonna lie. So, I guess I’ll just cross my fingers for more good days than bad. Seems like that’s the only plan and I’m really good at keeping my nose to the grindstone so, the only worrying thing is it can affect the blood vessels in your…. BRAIN. So, if you notice me becoming more and more stupid then do me a solid and let me know 😂😂 it’s fine… I’m fine… relax.

3) I had to stop doing iron infusions. Apparently they triggered this! If that’s not a bitch what is? I’m super lucky. I must have been a red ant at a picnic in a previous life! 

4) I am going DOWN DOWN DOWN the rabbit hole of Naked and Afraid. I would so do that show if it wasn’t for the heat, starvation, bug bites, snakes, lions barfing and flash floods. Like, they should have a version where you have to stay at a Motel with no Grub Hub. Then I’d kick ass!

5) Saw a dermatologist who says my skin is flawless and I freaking don’t have wrinkles, (tiny tiny ones on my forehead if I lift my eyes) and you wanna know why? I don’t go in the sun and I moisturize like my life depends on it. Since I was 25 I have laid out in the sun… TWICE. Once on a cruise ( got burnt so bad I was purple!)  and once in Hawaii, which is pretty much required, I believe. You see some people who friggin look like leather! Dude, dudetts, come inside, get some serums and a good moisturizer. If I’m outside it has to be under 2 hours or I blister, because I’m the whitest person on the planet. I was pretty happy with that appointment!

I’ve got to run!

Talking to the moon,

Me

There’s so much to share. So very much.

 I’m missing a bear who left me alone with no explanation. Where for art thou, Bear?

1) I broke my foot in January. My husband accidentally dropped a hammer on my toes and top of foot. Four broken bones, my freaking bone marrow is leaking! No. Just nobody needs that! It hasn't healed since day one. Massive trauma to muscle and the pad under my toes. Just got my mri results back. You wanna know what bothers me the most? For three months I’ve only worn A cute shoe a couple times. I can’t wear two! So, I’m resigned to wearing my super high tech boot and ONE of my Vans. It’s hard to dress cute when one foot looks like Frankenstein’s monster!!! Woe is me.

2) I had kidney stones. I don’t suggest it. Like, I’ll give birth again….well, not really, but if I could!

3) Down three kids now. The Mi-ya has been taken by the black widow. It’s easier now. I don’t cry for them often. 

4) I’ve been diagnosed with a super rare disease. 50/100,000 people. Not a very big club. Not going to go into too much detail. I’m gonna live. 

5) being in the totality of the eclipse was beautiful. Gorgeous. Would have scared the shit out of cavewoman me, not gonna lie. But it felt…..peaceful. Hundreds of people under my balcony, but it was still. No people talking, no horns honking no birds singing, the mall closed for the event and all the employees were on my garage top. Silent. Nothing dared to move. Peace. So many different traditions, religions, political opinions…..didn’t matter. Peace. I took a ton of photos. I cried at the beauty of it. 

6) Thursday will be my ninth iron infusion. My hands and arms look like I’m not very good at boxing! Strangers give my husband the side eye. He’s not a fan, but I am. Doesn’t make me sick or feel crummy, in fact I love feeling normal! I have rearranged everything that can be in the house and cleaned out every drawer and closet. Right now I literally can’t move a muscle. I have tiny diny hands and can’t move my arms or legs, or torso…or neck or back…or the broken foot…..it’s really cool. More people should try it. Took my first meds tonight and a shot of a painkiller that lasts 48 hours! Holy shit! Where was that in the 80’s? I feel like I would have spent a lot of time not feeling much :-) only the necessary stuff of course….Anyway, not to jinx anything but….i think it’s improving already! I’m a warrior. I’m a warrior. I’m a warrior. Always have been, maybe didn’t always know it so much.

No pics. Vanished. Missing; BEAR. looks like my dreams. Should be easy to spot, beauty.

Night to the moon,

Tracy

Bear?

 How do I know if there’s still a bear here? If there’s no Bear then there’s no reason to continue. It’s been 21 years of this. It’s the only way that I can share with a Bear other than through instagram. If I don’t see a sign from a bear then I need to say goodbye. God, that would break my heart. 

I’ve stopped my YouTube channel for now. I’m going to start a new one, whole new set up, whole new concept and I excited about it. Planned my space to do videos. Got new equipment. Excited for a new adventure. Did I ever mention that my book was published? Not under my name but not too difficult to figure out….. it’s doing well. I’m so proud. I don’t want my name connected. It’s so personal. This new project will be something that I feel is a whole new connection to a whole different type of viewer. 

Got my results from my latest blood tests. Go to the doc on Friday but I can see the results are great!! I have iron! I have oxygen! I feel so good and happy and motivated!! What an amazing thing that oxygen to your brain is! Highly underrated!! I can’t even sleep because I’m writing again and excited about it, so much I want to do. I feel like I’m on the other side of a canyon. Joy :-)

I love you. 

Hope to see a sign. 

If not… Only you. 

Tracy

The End Is Near

 I’m working on a video to end or at least momentarily stop my YouTube channel. I have something else that I want to do, it is on YouTube, but I will not be linking it here or making myself searchable. Ewww! She’s so fahncy with her top secret channel! I will talk about it probably a little, maybe, because one thing I can do is talk for hours!

Got my fifth infusion done and now I have to go see my doc to see if I need more. I was in the hospital last week, more on that in a bit, and when I was released I got the results from my blood work up and, yup, you guessed it, still anemic! God, I’d love some oxygen in my blood. Wouldn’t that be great? However, I do feel like I’m doing better. The bare minimum is better than nothing, right? I have a lot more energy. I can’t sleep to save my life and I’ve been reorganizing everything I own. Closet, drawers, makeup, baskets I used for facial, hair and body care.. oh, my jewelry is not only organized but it’s on display. On two jewelry display racks that I literally just feel joy when I see them. My drawers are magical. My closet? Chef’s kiss! And I feel happier. Happy. ( ok, there are some tiny rage issues from the iron, but I am good at keeping those thoughts inside my head as to not actually kill anyone. Bonus!)

Was in the hospital because I had kidney stones that tore me up, like shredded me and I was a bleeding, screaming, crying mess. Guess what? I got a kidney infection from that! Super exciting! 10/10 would not recommend, unless you’re super bored and feel like having needles blowing your veins. I literally could not be a heroin addict because my veins need newborn size needles or BLOWN! How do junkies manage if they have small veins? I ponder.

Had a good new year, despite the labor like pains. Quiet with food and games. It was nice. 

While sorting through my drawers I learned that I am addicted to socks! I mean like, name a kind? Wool, sheer, short, tall, colorful, dark, pairs that read things like “ I’m in charge of this shit show.” Massive fuzzy ones, regular fuzzy ones, compression socks that loo like Wednesday Adam’s wears them. Super cute and I use them to keep oils and lotions on my lower legs and feet… heel socks! Tights! …. I got em. I kind of love that about me! 

I’m thinking of a bear. Pics from memorial??? I’d love to see them.Any pics from the old days?? Love to see them!! 

Hope a bears heart is full. Grief is like ocean waves. Sometimes calm, sometimes knocks you over. 

Am I clear?!? Crystaaal,

Tracy