AT LEAST IS WAS ONLY THE SECOND WORST TEST..

FIRST:

My om is doing as well as she can be. We know not to get too comfortable with that though so she’s doing as little as possible. She’s more worried about potentially having lung or heart damage. I wish I could help her with those fears but....

YM tested negative.

Om’s husband and baby tested negative but they’ve been in lockdown with her for a week now so they’ll get retested.

The pharmacy that did om’s test doesn’t report positive tests to the health department. It’s a family owned pharmacy. Wanting to keep the numbers down. TEXAS. 

Ironically the reason that we canceled Christmas was because the girls refused to wear a mask in my house.......

Second:

I had to have some testing done at the hospital today. I feel irritated that I was forced to go to a full hospital ( COVID-19 patients) to have this test done or my doc wouldn’t prescribe me my medications anymore. Like, maybe less irritated and more, fucking pissed.

So, if you don’t want to know the details of this test, now is the time to click out........

Here we go, buckle up.... Let me start by telling you that the x-ray tech was describing this test to me when I broke in and said “ So most humiliating test ever?” And she, dead faced, replies “ no, there’s one more that’s even worse” I laughed so hard! Well, thank God that there’s ONE test that’s even worse!

Now, we’re going.... you lay on the x-ray table. Naked under a gown. You get a catheter and they hook that to a bottle of contrast and pour it into your bladder, then another until you, literally, can’t take anymore. All the while x-rays are constantly being taken. Then you tip to the right and to the left and then......they pull out a platform at the end of the table. You scoot down until your feet are flat. They put this container between your thighs, up high, you hold it there, they screw handles to the bed and stand you up like Frankenstein’s Monster and...... tell you to pee while they take x-rays. 

Just let that set in for awhile. 

To lighten the mood I said “ I want my money back. This ride sucks”

Not surprisingly, I could not pee. BUT! That didn’t mean that the ride was over.... No! I started shaking and eked out.....

“Shit( realizing there is nothing holding me to the table and in front of me is a brand new, million dollar x-ray machine) I’m going to fa.... boom, I’m out. I wake up and the nurse is holding me while doc lowers the x-ray bed and as he asks me if I’m ok, I faint again. I wake up by an alcohol swab under my nose, my blood pressure being taken and my pulse/ox.

I hear... “ Call an ER doc, now!” 

I whisper.... it’s ok.... I faint....

He was worried I was having a heart attack because of how high my blood pressure was...

I whisper.... No one from the ER. I’m fine... Give me a second... You’re giving me a panic attack...

He says, your bladder pinches a blood vessel and that caused you to faint..... which explains why I always faint on my way to the bathroom! 

The rest is, well, let’s just say, I’ve had better days. My husband came in and my go to self soothing method is to put my hands over my eyes so he knew it wasn’t great and tears were streaming from my eyes into my mask.

I can truly say that I do everything possible to help me get better. I’m not a pussy.

As the doc leaves he says “Get that anxiety under control”

I replied:

“Why didn’t I think of that?”

As we get into the car I bragged about how many CC’s of fluid I took and that I probably could have taken more. My husband gave me a look so I said “ That’s what your mom said”

He cracked up and said “ Yet another story I can’t tell anyone!”

But I’ll tell complete strangers. That’s the difference between us. I’ve used all my fuck bucks up. 

I hope you feel better about your lives.

What I wish for you this new year:

Long walks

Holding hands

Butterfly kisses

Warm socks 

A crackling fire

Good wine

A wink

A walk down memory lane

Pleasant dreams

Smiles

Love that tattoos your soul

Me

Click on this link!!!! You won’t be mad!!

https://youtu.be/jwtkZ7oTv1o

Covid

 My OM has COVID-19. She has asthma. She has a six month old child. Her husband has a co-Morbidity.

My YM, who lives there during the week, is getting tested Thursday. Her boyfriend has Crohn’s disease. 

I’m very worried.

Me 

Monday Night

 I feel like I can breathe easier in two ways.

One, my lungs. Something seems to have kickstarted them into beginning to heal. I’ve been taking the zinc, vitamin C, vitamin D and melatonin like the hospital told me too and just in the nick of time, I think they started holding up my immune system. How about that?!

Do I faint still? Well, ya, but less often!! And my voice is less, well, raspy might not be the right word, less like someone who smokes 12 packs of cigarettes per day and chases them down with the cheapest whiskey possible. All good news.

And, if my sign was actually my sign, then the mother has read my message, not berated me and at the, absolute very least, has heard my voice. 

That was the last piece. It’s been nagging at me for decades. I feel as though a small little cage has been opened in my soul to make room for something happy. 

Thank goodness for signs and for those who send them. 

It’s nearly Christmas. It feels off this year. My girls will not be here. My father has not called or sent his gifts. There are minefields surrounding some relationships. I have difficulty finding the line where things should and should not be posted. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m pretty much open to disclosing just about everything. I’m like that. Ask me a personal question and I WILL answer! Chatty Kathy. This one has me perplexed though. Aren’t you glad that I brought it up?!

Anyway!!!!! Thanksgiving was perfect. The husband had four days off and we had zero company. We literally slept when we wanted, ate when we wanted at all hours of the night and day. We watched Christmas movies until our eyes blurred and I sat in the comfort of my own home while Christmas shopping my butt off. It was peaceful and warm and felt like a cozy blanket. Christmas will be the same. No schedules. Not timelines. No stress. It will be lovely regardless of the strangeness.

Have to go,

Me

Ok, one of my very favorite, non religious, Christmas songs:

2020 sucks

 My daughter in law has Covid. My son and grandson will be tested Saturday.

She is immunocomprimised and never leaves the house. It came to her via a friend or family member, both also have Covid. 

We’re not getting together for Christmas. There is so much more that I’d like to write about that but, I’ll sit on that idea for a bit. 

As I do every December, I’m deep diving into ballet documentaries that have to do with THE NUTCRACKER BALLET. I’m watching one produced by Ron Howard, which is unexpected. I know that I must have been a ballerina in a previous life. I just love how beautiful ballet is. 

There ya go. Holiday Joy in a pandemic. My fave.

Tracy

Garth

 Many many months ago I said that I wanted to go through my playlist and put a lyric or two of a song up here and explain why that lyric made me need the song in my life. 

There are many reasons why a song reaches out and takes hold of us. Maybe the song was playing on a dusty jukebox in a dark bar when your eyes met his or when you caught him cheating or when he whispered “ I love you” 

Maybe you were driving with the windows down on a cool summer night, your hair whipping around your face, your heart pounding as you laughed and that song was playing.

Maybe you had your heart broken and that song, sung by a raspy voiced lead singer belted out the words like “I hate everything about you!” And your friends played it for you to make you scream out the lyrics to mend your heart, strengthen your soul.

Maybe on a spring day you and your friends gathered in the street in front of your house to play frisbee  while 70’s rock boomed from the stereo speakers on your porch and you drank cheap beer and had piggyback rides and swapped taunts about whose side would win and now those songs take you back and you can feel the sun on your face, the warm breeze, the pure joy.

Maybe there are days where you just need a good cry and there’s a few words strung together with a melody that touches you where you’ve been hurt deep inside and in its own, painful way, it helps to easy the ache inside. 

Maybe there’s a song that just can not help dancing too with a lyric that you won’t be able to get out of your head

We’re gonna be talking about those tear jerker, dance inducing, sing as loud as you can, shower concert, funny, sad, encouraging, memory makers of the soundtrack of my life, Baby! 

These are chosen at random and today’s, my God, if there’s a human alive whom this song doesn’t squeeze at their heart, they kick puppies. 

AND NOW I’M GLAD I DIDN’T KNOW, THE WAY IT ALL WOULD END,THE WAY IT ALL WOULD GO. OUR LIVES ARE BETTER LEFT TO CHANCE, I COULD HAVE MISSED THE PAIN, BUT I’D HAVE HAD TO MISS, THE..... DANCE....

Tracy

Lungs

Are they really needed?

I’m getting worse. My lungs, struggling with the added burden of asthma. When I stand the room spins. Doc says I might need to go back into the hospital. 

I’m a warrior. I’m a warrior. My lungs are fighting hard. 

I’m starting steroids again. I should stay in a hotel for the wellbeing of my loved ones. I get a tiny bit grouchy. The joy. 

See ya soon.

Me

Written on my phone. Best of luck to ya.

Hoping

I don’t know if his mother read the message I sent through FB Messenger or not. I wish there was some way to know. Just a sign of some sort. Like I said, I do not want to hear any anger or blame or excuses or denials. I won’t. It is difficult not to know if I’ve at least been heard.

On to some news, and this one is really good!!!!!

I’ve taken my Fluffy Chick Blog down because I’ve been asked to. By whom, you might ask. I can’t say but it’s very exciting!!!!! A very large corporation has a contest for documentaries. The winners in different categories will have theirs shown by the corporation plus a few prizes and some funding for another documentary. 

I sent an application, along with a very short, 30 second, video, to give some visual context and....... It’s been accepted!!!!!!!!

The downside.... I have to fund it myself, but so does everyone and they’ve given ideas for fundraising and crowd funding. It has to be filmed with one camera or smart phone, no fancy stuff, which is fine, I’d be lost, I have to steel myself to go down a dark path.

I’m doing mine on sexual assault/ molestation/ rape by female caregivers. Particularly my experience, but to share that it’s not shameful to say that the person who molested you as a child, was your mother, sister, babysitter, teacher. That women can and do groom victims and that there is not a box that sexual abuse fits in. I didn’t know that what my mother did was “ abuse” because I thought it wasn’t possible for a woman, a mother, to do that, I guess. I know that men and women are much less likely to report abuse by a female caregiver. Men especially. With songs like Sexy and 17, Hot for Teacher, I love Rock and Roll, Don’t Stand so Close to Me etc...... It’s clear that in our society, men are suppose to see what would otherwise be called sexual abuse and child molestation as them being “Lucky”

I want to interview people from my life and ask if they felt groomed or felt anything wrong about what my mother convinced them to do to me? 

Which is tricky for several reasons.... one, me seeing or hearing them and what that could feel like and two, telling them that by all standards, they too were sexually abused for the satisfaction of my mother. “Good morning! Hey, just real quick here, has it occurred to you that you’re a sexual abuse victim? No, Cool. No, you don’t need therapy now, I’m sure you’re fine. Ok then, how do you feel about being the instrument of which my mother used to molestation me?”

 That’s a difficult conversation.

It’s hard that my dad has passed. I’d definitely interview him. He had very harsh feelings about what happened and I’d like for him to explain how she groomed ( and likely had sex with at least one person) how my dad’s gut feeling was that something was wrong but he never thought that women could abuse, plus she kept us warring with each other so that we’d never be close enough for me to confide in.

And Cheryl and Doug. I’d like their insight on if they could feel something different in me. Or if when they were told they could see the relationship between my mother and I in a different light. Or did I hide it very well? 

Anyway!!! There’s soooo much and I’m desperately excited to get started!! I just need to stop getting kidney infections, sepsis and be able to breathe! It’s a short list, right?????

No, I won’t win, but even so, I’ll put it on YouTube after all is said and done and it might reach people who need to see it.

Ok, luvs, hugs and mistletoe and snowflakes and hot cocoa with marshmallows and maybe some Baileys or Brandy!

Me

Last Christmas

 Last Christmas was the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Ya, in 52 years. All my children ( except the oldest. Hopefully someday!) were hear with their partners and children, spending the night Christmas Eve, which I loved!! We played games, had a White Elephant exchange and laughed and laughed. Christmas morning was all about making waffles with a bunch of toppings to choose from and the kids and grandkids enjoyed that so much that not one person asked to open gifts. I bought the BEST gifts last year, if I do say so myself, and it was lovely!!! Buffet dinner at our house, relaxed and enjoyable. No stress at all.

I’m glad we had it because this year could be much different!! It’s a perfect memory. Grab those when they come along.

Questions and answers:

1) how are you feeling? Tired. If you can breathe, take a moment to be glad about that! I stood up yesterday, I was on the phone with Robb, all I had time to say was... Shit, I think I’m gonna......boom. Down on the wood floor. Really cracked my knees and forehead. Scared the shite out of Robb who called OM instead of my husband because he was flustered and then Om called her dad to tell him to wake up and scoop me off the floor, which he did. On the flip side, this mega medication that quite literally turns to poison in the urinary tract seems to be helping my kidneys to resist infections. Shhhh don’t tell anyone or you’ll jinx it.

2) what’s your favorite Christmas Song? I’m super old fashioned about that. Having grown up in the church, I love Christmas Hymns. Oh Come All Ye Faithful, It Came Upon a Midnight Clear( ps: if you ever get the chance to see the movie of the same name, not religious, it’s excellent), God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman etc.... I sang Silent Night to all my babies, long after they were babies, whenever they were hurt or scared or sick....

3 what’s on your Christmas list this year?  As I always say, I’m terrible at giving ideas for gifts. I did put down a recently released Brahmin bag and matching wallet. It looks like confetti and mardi gras and happiness. Umm.... Kate Spade, rather, her company, did a shoe collab with Keds and I want a pair. I save things to add to my list.... Oh! A James Avery ring. A few other things. Nothing shocking.

4) what’s your favorite gift that you’re giving this year? Two things!! Both I had made. I bought the girls these tiny skull necklaces that read “ We’re more than sisters. More like a really small gang” and through the generations of my family going back to Germany 200 years ago, when my great etc grandfather invented a board game, each generation gets one passed down. I sent a photo of mine to a man on Etsy and asked if he could make two. Fancy them up, use nice wood, stain them etc and I’m giving one to om and a new one to my husband who has been drooling over getting a new one made. I had one made for the oldest boy last year.  I’m excited!

5) I’ve noticed that you haven’t been on your channel. Are you stopping? No. I just have a difficult time breathing through a long video. I’ve done two podcasts to see how I’m doing and it’s not been great. Soon though!! 

Ok, I have to go. Bed is calling. 

Night,

Tracy

I sent it

 I hope it’s understood that there was one other person who held the key in their hand and could have stopped the abuse, the rubbing up against me, the sexual assault. The harassment and disgusting groping and moaning that I endured and that person was his mother who witnessed it and turned a blind eye except to worry about herself being sued for the sexual harassment that I lived with day after day.

I’m 52. She’s 73-74? It’s past time or it might never be able to be said. 

I wrote a letter to his mother and sent it via Facebook.

I don’t want to hear back. I don’t want a reply. I don’t want guilt thrown my way or excuses. I just need to say what it felt like to have her know and do nothing to help me.

Me

You might want to skip this crazy one.

 

Still fainting. Lungs burning. I’m not a brain surgeon but I am quick enough to find this to be abnormal. Doc says that with my asthma being a factor it will likely take my lungs more time to heal.... But, what if not? I’m still a little mushy in the brain too and some people have been suffering for months. Science says symptoms could be lifelong and include lung damage. 

This is the stuff that fills my thoughts when it’s quiet. This and my long term memory is sharp as a tack! I’ve been looking over my life. What will I leave as my mark on this planet? Imagining what life would have been like had I turned left rather than right. Made different choices and how my choices, and my parent’s choices and their parent’s choices, lead us to where we are today. That my choices will influence the lives of generations of people long after anyone remembers me. Being that I love history, that’s interesting to me these days.

And if anyone had told me when I was 14 or 15 that my father’s passing would knock me for a loop I would have literally laughed. We weren’t close then or for quite a long time after and we didn’t even like each other. So much changed and with my health shit and a pandemic and an election, I don’t think I’ve had time to process it well. I feel like a large part of the grieving process was stuffed down to keep my head above water. Now it been nearly NINE MONTHS. How is that possible? I haven’t put his ashes in the necklace his wife gave me. I still think to call him every day. I hallucinatedly ( yes, I made that word up. It’s ok) asked my husband to tell my dad that I was in the hospital, which was actually during one of the times I realized that I was even IN the hospital rather than our old house. Good times!! Rather than remind me of my dad’s passing my husband agreed to tell him and I hung up so he could make the call.  Loop, it’s knocked me for a loop. I’ve been dreaming of him a lot. Him and my mother, in their 20’s, happy, I’m blissfully unaware of the storm brewing in my mother’s brain. There are very few good memories that involve my mother so I think I go back there or they come to me from there. My dad tells me that everything I worry about here is pointless when you die. He says not to waste time in it. The test is to move through it. It will all fall away. I wake my husband up calling for my dad with my hand outstretched. 

Two nights ago I was dreaming that I was at my house in Spokane. I walked across the street to see Doug, aware that I was dreaming. But I had to step over syringes and the needles stuck into my bare feet. My mind reaching bad to include that he’d died from a heroin overdose. I knocked on his open door and he called out, “ Hey, Trace! Come in, I’ve missed you” I sat in “ my chair” and we talked. I admonished him for being so fucking stupid. He said that he became addicted to pain pills after his back surgery and when he couldn’t get anymore, someone offered him the drug and he regretted it. 

So deep, these dreams, and yet, I’d never had that thought before so how was it coming to me in a dream? Weird. Is it possible to experience actually talking to a dead loved one? I don’t feel like it is.... but it’s so freaking real. 

For the record, no, that’s not my mind being mushy. My brain is mushy in the way that words escape me. 

Anyway, on that odd note. I have to go.

Night luvs,

Me

First Day of Christmas

 

First day of the Advent calendar. This is our second year doing them and I’m ridiculously excited about small little gifts every day until Christmas. I searched all year long for ones that we’d like. I got a L’Occitane one for me and one with Jerky from around the world for the boy and one from a chocolatier in Colorado that has 25 different handmade chocolates. I want that one too. I found it after I purchased mine. It’s simply stunning. 

How’s that? Start off with the good.

Also, drowning in Hallmark movies and I love it.

Thanksgiving was..... well, difficult. YM is living with OM as her nanny so they celebrated together and I couldn’t risk being around anyone. I still have symptoms so, best to just be smart. There will be others.

And, my dad is gone. Really gone. I have a voicemail from him on last thanksgiving and he says “ Happy thanksgiving! I love you”

I sent it to all my kids and my stepsister. 

I’m slowly on the mend. Not allowed to walk yet and the steroids are causing all kinds of fun things. 

I can’t do my art but I got a pencil for my iPad so I can draw and my husband is making a table so I can work on my penny art ( which is soooo beautiful) without sitting at the bar on a stool so I don’t faint and crack my head open. 

I was able to take weeks off of politics. It’s been really nice, except for the Covid thing, of course. I like it so much that I might keep it up. It’s easier to heal without all the stress. 

Ok, have to go, Luvs

Me

Blog

 Blog coming today

Here

 I’ve been taking my time to write this.

Several weekends ago my family got together. We’d skipped birthdays and our 27th Anniversary because my OM had been exposed to Covid a couple of times and finally it seemed that all were well.

They came over, we ordered from an Italian restaurant on the island, played games and held that sweet baby.

My husband ran to the grocery store to get juice for my granddaughter. My om went with him and bought cough drops.

At some point I picked the cough drops up and asked whose they were. I didn’t think much of it. I just placed them where they wouldn’t be forgotten when they left.

Two days later om gets sick and so do I. Mine is slower moving than hers. She sees a doc who asks what SHE thinks she has and she says bronchitis and takes the rest of the week off. I get a sore throat, cough, body aches and begin the process of becoming quite stupid.

My YM and the boy start going down. The cough drops.... the son in law had had a sore throat. Excused it as allergies. 

I decide that I need a test. The husband and I go get a rapid test.... Covid. I get cough meds, steroids, z-pack, told to take vit D and magnesium and zinc and melatonin.

The next day I can’t breathe. Let me be more clear. I can inhale but I’m not getting oxygen. I feel like a fish looks when they are out of water. I get in the shower and can’t stand. I’m now gulping for air. I am that fish.

I thrown on pajamas as fast as I’m able and my husband drives me to the hospital. I think I’m not going to make it... 2 miles away. 

My body starts shaking uncontrollably. My husband gets a wheel chair.... help me. Hurry. I say. I’m shaking, gasping for air. The receptionist talking to someone. I start hallucinating. Seeing and feeling things that aren’t there. I can’t hold my own head up Hurry!! I yell. I’m falling forward I think but I wasn’t. My mind wanders to my YM who has seizures that cause her to feel like she’s moving forward. Am I doing that?

They take me back and start the normal process. Blood from both arms to look for sepsis. Iv. Heart monitor. Chest x-ray, ekg, pulse ox etc.....

My ekg is nuts, my pulse is high, my blood pressure dangerously high, my pulse ox is 79, my lactic acid 4.88(critical and probably why my muscles are in a spasm).....

After 30 minutes the doc comes in and says “You’re being admitted” my husband asks if it’s just for the night and doc says “ Hell no”

He says that they’re gonna get me a bed to put in my er room because all rooms are filled and there’s 7 people ahead of me.

30 minutes later I’m being moved to the Covid unit. My husband asks if he can leave and get my things... phone charger, blanket, pillow etc. they say yes. He walks out the door, turns and says “ I’ll be right back”

I’m moved to my room and the process starts of four bags of fluid, more blood, magnesium, steroids, insulin, breathing treatments, etc....

My husband comes back and they tell him that he can’t come in. I’m in isolation. No visitors. He hands them my things to give to me. 

He calls to tell me that he can’t come in. He sits in the parking lot for four hours waiting for the call that he can look through the “goodbye window” each room has a small window through which family members can watch their loved one die. I don’t know that he’s in the parking lot still. He’s thinking “ what if the last thing I ever said was, ‘ I’ll be right back? ( could be worse) and he runs that over and over through his mind.

I try and sleep. The coughing is burning my throat and chest. My body aches, my head pounding. I hallucinating that I’m somewhere else. I see a small dog on my bed. I can’t understand what the nurses say. My brain is mushy. If I sleep on my back I stop breathing. I hear a nurse yelling my name.... Breathe! That’s right. Deep breaths. They tape the oxygen into my mouth. They discovered that I have a badly deviated septum on my right side and the oxygen won’t go in correctly. 

I have black eyes like I’ve been punched. 

I can’t rest. I’m on a thirty minute round. I “sleep” but I know they’re  coming and my mind won’t entirely let go.

Eventually we decide that I’m not declining but staying even. I want to go home and sleep. Send me a nurse. Hook me up with a picc line. 

I went home. I slept for two days with the exception of breathing treatments, meds, blood checks, insulin etc... no food. Wake up for one day, 12 hours, eat, sleep for two more days, no food. The fainting started somewhere in there. 

I’m still not allowed to walk. 

But I’m not feeling like I’m a goldfish flopping on a table. My oxygen is slowly gaining. I’m now a 89-90. My heart is better. 

I’m a warrior. My name says so.

I can not put into words what this experience has put my family through 

Don’t fuck around. Wear a mask. 

I have to go.

Me

Story

 Hopefully I’ll post the story tomorrow. I’ve taken several days to write it. 

Today

 I’m home with a nurse. Sleeping. Lots of drugs and iv fluid. Resting. Much better rest than the hospital. You don’t appreciate being able to get out of bed without taking off the machines that keep your blood moving through your legs to prevent clots. Now I’m getting shots.  Something so little that I’m grateful for. 

I’m not as stupid today but my oxygen is still mid 80’s. Steroids make me want to kick kittens for the few minutes I’m awake. I’ve lost 16 lbs. Struggling for air, the new Keto Diet. 

I have a chair system set up throughout the house. I’m a fainting goat and the last straw was cracking my head on the corner of the bed and being out for 20 seconds. it was the cracking my head one more time that broke the camels back. Heads can only take so much, I suppose. I woke to my husband and nurse yelling my name. They set up a system to get me around. Oxygen is highly underrated. I do breathing treatments every two hours. My head looks like I box for a living. I got black eyes in the hospital so I’m looking rough.

My taxed immune system is my hard working little buddy right now. Keep praying, hoping, wishing, that it keeps chugging. Grateful for that too and hospital care that was exceptional. When your family can’t be allowed in, they step up and go above and beyond, at least where I was. I had five assigned caregivers that rotated every 30 minutes and each one was as kind as could be. 

I have to survive this. 

I will update as I can. Eventually I hope to share my story.

Tracy

Struggle

 Can’t get my oxygen up. My lungs on fire. I’m stupid( loss of oxygen? Massive steroids?) can’t think straight. Every 30 minutes I’m checked. I can sleep through exams now.

Might be sent home with a nurse to see if home makes recovery easier. Hope so. 

Hospital

 I’m in the Covid unit. Can not get my oxygen levels into the 90’s.

Also septic...... hello darkness my old friend....

I feel like I’ll drowning.

That’s the update for now

For God’s sake.....

 I have COVID-19.

Me, who doesn’t leave the house unless it’s to be admitted to a hospital. I feel like shit.

I’ll update soon.

Tracy

Tuesday.... typed on my phone with one hand. This will be fun!

 Election Day 

My dad was my election day buddy. He’d fly into Arizona to watch with me. In 2016 we got off the phone about half way through. My head racing, my heart breaking to learn that so many people in America could vote for a man who bragged about being able to sexually assault women, made fun of the handicapped and wanted to strip Americans like me of their healthcare.

I didn’t talk to my dad again for two days. I was in shock. I felt blindsided by what I thought were common American values but turned out to be nothing at all to do with empathy and honor and respect. 

I’ll never view this country the same again. I’ll never think that everyone is basically good. When I see so many “Karens” videos where women feel brazen and comfortable screaming nigger at another person and often in front of kids. Calling the police and lying about being attacked or complaining that black people are having a bbq in a park or a wedding on a public beach. Standing behind their car screaming obscenities and racial slurs and blocking them from leaving.

I swear to God that I didn’t think there was racism in this country until I watched 2008 elections and then in 2016 and this year. I was naive as hell. Living in some bubble of my own making. Thinking we all had common ground as Americans and no matter the results we knew that we could sleep at night and feel safe in the hands of our leaders well though out, even if different than our, opinions and choices. I only remember feeling scared as a child as my fear mongering church and family seemed to believe that everyone who wasn’t a Republican was a devil worshiping baby killer who would shred our common values. You know, like allow gay people to marry. 

My point, because I’m falling asleep!!

I won’t have my dad to talk to, panic with, talk me down, ramp me up........ I miss him so much.

My kids are all scattered, except for the youngest, but we are all going to watch. Of course my husband will be here, which is the first election night since Bush v Gore!! And Robb is going to sleep during his day to watch too. He says I can call him in panic, joy, fear, happiness and he will be my “dad person” on the other end of a phone. 

Here we go. Hold my hand.

Tracy 

Picc Line

 I’m allergic to the tape. I blew one picc line and had to get another. The arm with the allergy where the tape goes looks awesome for Halloween.

I’m now on super potent drugs that they use for chemo patients. Twice per day for one and once per week for the other. 

Good times!!

My 31 days of Halloween had its ass kicked my YouTube mistakes. Ugh. But!! I made it through and November 1st starts my short time off. My brain is fried!!

However, I get to play with my new iPad Pro now. Funnily enough, I didn’t want to change in the middle of my 31 days so that it would go smoothly. Someone jinxed themselves!!

Where are bears? It’s worrying me if there’s no sight of a bear. Don’t leave me hanging. I share my life. Let go a bit. Where is the bears?

Tracy

Where are you? I’m lonely.

 

It’s Wednesday

Here we are.

I’ve been on IV antibiotics for two weeks. Yesterday I got my infusion at 5am per usual and by 6:30 I called my husband to come home. My nurse was unable to fix what had happened which is this:

I have two ports. Both ports are flushed with saline and Heparin . One port gets the iv infusion started. Afterwards that port is again flushed with saline.

I went to sleep after the infusion and woke up soaking wet. My picc line was leaking. Sometimes the strength of the medication can break down the line. 

We called my doc. The people who do picc lines travel all over the country, why? I don’t know but if you want a job that flies you from hospital to hospital, this is it. So we get an eta of 5 hours. 

I go back to bed. First time in my life that I decide that worry won’t to any good. 

We go do that, have a vid appointment with my infectious disease doc and then we went to vote!!!!!!

My youngest son will vote for his first time on Saturday. It really makes me miss my dad. He was really looking forward to this. He’d be so proud of my youngest and that all members of my family vote. That was very important to him.

I’m sleepy. 

All my love,

Tracy

Update

 I have the third generation mutation of the deadliest superbug in the world.

I’m on big gun, war head, IV antibiotics and have been allowed to leave isolation but I have to stay home, disinfect everything I touch and I got myself a private nurse. She checks all my vital signs, I still need oxygen as it dips down into the low 80’s and blood drawn and picked up by the lab every day.

And! I’m still working on the 31 days of Halloween. Who gets a sticker? 

They’re getting worse and worse. I’m running out of treatment options. I’ll never be able to take oral antibiotics again. I went nearly my whole life avoiding antibiotics and now this because other people ask for them for a virus or don’t finish the whole dose.

Stop asking for antibiotics for colds! Take your freaking medication.

Strangely, I’m not worried this time. I’m feeling much calmer than everyone else around me. 

Bye,

Me

I’m in Hospital

 Sepsis, kidney function down, very low oxygen,  plus a very rare bacteria. I’m in isolation and everyone has hazmat looking suits. I’ll never be able to take oral antibiotics again. My body is resistant the them all. 

This is a doozy. 

All my love,

Me

Raise Your Hand if You Watched a Shit Show Last Night!

 Yes, I’m still here... I’m on my phone.

I’m really debating whether to post the post I’m sitting on. I know that the initial reaction will be uncomfortable. Perhaps surprise. Maybe anger.

I keep waiting for it to cycle out but my therapist and husband discourage that idea. Remember. I’m the procrastinator. I prefer “long term thinker,” myself but, that’s just me, I guess.

In the meantime I’ve used retail therapy which has been losing a bit of appeal lately considering I’m not supposed to leave the house..... sometimes I must so that no one is injured by my brain exploding.

Anyway, I got a new 11.9 IPad Pro 2020 and I’m excited! I’ve had my other one for about four years, and in my experience, Apple sabotages it’s products so that they go to shit around that time.

I’m sooooooo busy. I’m doing 31 videos in 31 days, actually I’ll do a thank you one on Nov 1st as well, but it’s literally been 3.5-4 months of content in.... Oh???? So far? A few days. I’ve had a couple vids in the queue, I have my list of topics and have done the homework on those which is literally half the battle but then I must record and edit. I spent 10 hours editing a podcast last week. Skype just can’t even be coaxed nicely into doing what I ask and I wanted to stomp like a small child because the finished product was a file that would not convert. No way. Nope. Make me!

Remember years ago ( 2 weeks) when I had a pee sample left to grow little bacteria’s? Guess what?

You’ll never guess.

The lab through away my sample.

They called yesterday.

I fucking swear that they literally let anyone in the medical field. Anyone. Crack heads, jewel thieves, peeping toms, people that can’t put two words together......

Also...... I didn’t call the mean doctor. I have too until I can get in somewhere else but..... my shell keeps saying no.

Did you watch the shit show circus freak debate? Dear God. I literally did deep breathing exercises. Robb called at 3:45 in the morning, his time, because he’d watched it on the BBC and as soon as I answered he said ( picture British accent) 

“What was that trash bin fire?” 

“I’d a had a go at that trump fucker. Talkin’ bout, ‘I don’t know your son’”

“Who the fuck cares? Call me a loser for serving mah country and I’ll give your ass a welly up it”

“You have a crazy guy talking about racists on standby? We’d see the inside of a prison for that shit right now! “

Me: ya, free speech and stuff though..

“ the poor normal guy just looked like the only adult in the room”

Me:   Hey, I’m as shaken as you.... more, actually. 

Robb: “ What in Christ’s name is wrong over there?”

“ I’m embarrassed for ya.”

Me: thanks for calling! Next time don’t hold back.

So, that was fun.

My husband is sick. Let’s all pray, light candles, cross fingers and sacrifice lambs hoping that it’s just allergies.

I’ve got to go. I’m tired. I’m really going to have to get that post out I think. Ugh

Tracy 

I’ll be posting soon

They say it’s your Thursday.. Blah blah blah

My bad.....

I hate feeling like I use this to talk about things I don’t really want to say out loud and “bother” people but, it’s a diary, right? It’s for hashing things out?

My kidneys aren’t getting better. In fact, I took a little ride in the ambulance because the pain in my kidneys had me soooo sick and I could not walk without feeling like the air was being sucked out of me.

I have a culture growing little bacteria babies so I can kill them with my two hands. In the meantime my urologist thing is a cluster fuck and the new guy? I called him at 4pm because my old/current guy will not tell me what my results are because his office is like a dairy farm. Move one in move one out and repeat all day long.

The new guy....... screamed at me for “calling after hours” (4pm?) Thursday they close at noon I guess so I got a fucking lashing like you would not believe. Like, my inner child cane out at the guy said things like “ is that clear enough for you?” “ your case is too much. Do you not GET that?!” “ hello? Anyone home??” I’m not taking you. You called after hours. Do you even know what after hours means??? Should I make it even clearer? Don’t call me again!!! Am I clear?

To which my inner child could only say...”Yes, your a big baby throwing a tantrum”

But I am numb. I get numb when I’m embarrassed. It embarrassed me to be belittled. It hit me in all the right buttons. It made me shut up and crawl into my shell and feel sick. It made my inner child hear my mother’s voice and it paralyzed me. 

Like if I see it coming, I’m good. If I know there’s a good chance, I’m good. If it’s not a doctor who had been so comforting and calm, I got sucker punched. Never let your guard down. How many times do I need to learn that. Is that THE lesson I’m supposed to take from this life? Hold your cards close to your chest. Period.

My husband called him like I’m a child and it went in an unexpected direction. He was calm with my husband. Oh, I was frustrated( Ya, walk a mile in my shoes, buddy, bet ya can’t) and oh, if you agree that it’s water under the bridge she can call tomorrow and speak with my receptionist ( his wife) and she will get her in!!

Abuser. If he will speak to me like that imagine what it’s like for his wife whom I assume he says he loves. Or his kids.

Only 35 uro-gyns in the whole country once per year.... don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything.....

Ya you do. 

Besides that. I have a post that I’ve been sitting on for over a week. It’s raw. It’s probably gonna make me look shitty. It’s honest. Maybe hurtful. It’s past time.

And I don’t know what to do about it. 

Have to go. 

Drink coffee, watch a doc, chew ice, stay in my shell.

Night

Me