Coming soon!

I’m writing a post that seems to be taking a lifetime to complete!

Be back soon!

TMI

And here we go....

1. went to the urologist today and..... bawled my friggin eyes out. By now this lovely and kind man has become part urologist and part psychiatrist. How luck for him!

He told me today that even though he’s a surgeon he doesn’t have a God Complex which instantly made me quote, in my head, from the film, Malice, which stars Alec Baldwin and Nicole Kidman(when she was still a pretty redhead and not a blond skeleton) :

• “The question is, 'Do I have a 'God Complex'?...which makes me wonder if this lawyer has any idea as to the kind of grades one has to receive in college to be accepted at a top medical school. Or if you have the vaguest clue as to how talented someone has to be to lead a surgical team. I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle. But if you're looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God Complex? I AM GOD!

So, that’s good to know, I suppose.....anyway, I’m starting therapy. No, not talk therapy...physical therapy or more precisely, bladder/pelvic floor therapy because.... I need to, and I quote, loosen up my pelvic floor to help my bladder by not being squeezed to tightly. How does one get one’s pelvic floor to be a bit more lazy? Taunt it, call it names, break it’s fucking spirit? I’ll probably let you know since I can’t stop talking about this subject. Thrilling content, Tracy, Bravo!

Oh, one more thing......in order to help this process along....I’ve been prescribed Valium. No, silly, not to swallow with a glass of water, who do you think I am, a NORMAL person, a regular boring horse in Occam’s Razor? No, Bish, I am the zebra!!!! I’ve been prescribed Valium to insert it into my.....vagina. Ya. True story. It’s a pill. It’s not gonna see the light of day. 

ONLY me. 

Kobe Bryant:

As a side note, the first person I picked up my phone to call about Kobe, because she lived for basketball, was Cheryl and I hate that part of losing someone, when you wake up and have forgotten for ten seconds or you pick up the phone and suddenly you....Remember all over again. It’s been nearly two years since I lost her and it still feels like yesterday.

I have other thoughts but they’re going to wait until a different time.

Night, luvs, bears and cattails,

Me.

Four or five lines hidden in an entire song that I would say to you

The one where she bitches a lot...

When I get sick, I do it right!

I do not know what hit me like a bullet train but it was nothing short of violently ill for THREE fun filled days and nights. 

How did I cope? I slept of course! Except for the times when I had a pillow and blanket using the bathtub as a gigantic cold pack so I could be as close as possible to that throw up thing... ya, the toilet. That’s what we usually call it unless you’re in a daze soaked in sweat and looking like a shadow of heroin addict. Then it’s just a mumble... “dat fro up ting” cause you’re head hurt so bad you don’t even speak proper English anymore!

That was something you needed to know. Am I right?

So, let me share this too as my new open self, nobody tells you that grownup children can be just as frustrating and obnoxious and frankly, unlikable as a child child. They can be rude, smart ass motherfuckers and you think your time card is stamped when they’re grown but no... the real stubborn ones, they just perfect their skills. They grind those axes and fester and coddle those teenage attitudes and grow them into adults you don’t want to know. Only the parents though. To everyone else these insidious little demons are friendly, funny, intelligent human beings. Only to their parents do they take off their human skin suit to behave like spoiled little assholes and frankly, I’m too fucking old for this shit. I have one child who has, her entire life, required more attention, more walking on eggshells, more emotional and mental stress than all three of her siblings put together times 10. And at various times during her adulthood she still makes me want to run away from home and I would but I know her sense of smelling fear would lead her to finding me.

I’m exhausted with this “child” more and more over the last several months and it’s come to a head. We’re in the place where we’d send her to her room with a stack of books and tell her that we don’t want to see the red in her eyes for two more weeks but, that doesn’t work very well on adults so, how do you stop allowing the soul sucking drama to slowly turn you into a dry leaf with nothing left to give?

Yes. That is the dilemma. Protect your own mental health over there in the fetal position or continue being the proverbial punching bag on a seconds notice if you look her in the eyes for too long?

Blink if you know the answer. 

No. I still can’t pee.

Loves my muffins,

Tracy

Hola!

Ok, so here’s how you raise them right....

I haven’t mentioned that my OM was offered and took another position with the university. She’s now the director of a department. It’s a really cool and fun department but I’m not gonna talk about it because I don’t need her being stalked. I mean, I’m being honest. Anyway, her office is gorgeous with a built in dark oak library wall and matching desk. The university owns a museum and some of the work is displayed in her office and..... she’s displaying some of MY art too!!! Like, next to artists. Professional artists and stuff. I’m feeling like you’re crying not me. 

I’ll be signing autographs in the back. Thank you. Goodnight.

Om is coming with her family to hang out here today. The pool is open year round so even though it’s wet and cold out we may swim and hang out in the hot tub. Om has a baby bump!! She’s 17 weeks and I think with my first pregnancy I started showing at about 5 months. I weighed a whopping 106 lbs and had abs for days from sports so it took a minute to show. Of course, I didn’t really look for it either. I know that I was wearing maternity clothes by 4 months, for sure. My mom and dad has taken me to A Pea in the Pod and bought me enough clothes for spring, summer, fall and winter. They must have dropped a pretty penny now that I look back on it. They filled my entire closet and dresser.

I noticed that I was showing when my brother and I were going to walk about 7( maybe more) miles to a creek on the other side of the freeway we lived off of and then walk back. I walked about 6 miles per day through my entire pregnancy, anyway, I had a swimsuit on that looked like a bikini from the back and because it was the 80’s it was cut very high on my hips and tied behind my neck. I walked into my parents room and caught a glimpse of myself sideways. There he was, a full on bump. For the first time in my life I felt pretty. Beautiful in fact. No one ever touched my tummy that pregnancy. Not ever. I stared in the mirror with this awe of the realization that, yup, Girl, this shit is getting real, holy cow, I’m petrified and..... so much profound respect for my body and shape and pregnancy and just pride. Which seems odd, considering I was wearing a scarlet letter but I thought my pregnant self was slammin! And a miracle and pretty fucking amazing!! 

When I look at my OM’s tummy I just remember how much I loved pregnancy and think that women are amazing beings that create and grow a life inside them. How lucky are we?

Lucky!

By luvs,

Tracy

Quickly...

A couple more questions...

Before I start, we took down our Christmas decorations Sunday... ok, maybe not every single one but enough of them. I was ready but still later than most although several people in my community still had theirs up too. I love it here.

So, I know, you’re on pins and needles wanting to know.... Can you pee?

Sadly, no. Well, a minuscule amount, which is 100% more than none so I’ll take it. Let’s let out a collective.... oooohhhhhhh.

So let’s do a couple more questions.

1. You’ve said that you don’t share your stories with friends. Do you share with Rob(Robb?) or no. If you do is it different because he’s a guy?

 Oddly enough, I have shared next to everything with Robb. Like, very close to everything although I do keep a little something in the pocket over my heart. I guess that it might be because he’s male. But, from nearly the beginning of us meeting he’s felt very safe. There’s absolutely zero chance of us having more than a friendship. Neither one feels like that at all. He very much feels a sibling type friendship with me which has something to do with his stories. We have had oddly similar experiences which has made us oddly similar in all ways that we feel about people and trust and anger and loyalty and love and who we allow into our lives.

We are both very much introverted and that’s a very specific type of thinking and feeling. We’ve both dealt with depression and anxiety. We’ve both had similar families ( parents and siblings) we’ve both acted out our pain in similar ways and been crushed badly others in very similar ways. 

Men tend, in my experience, to be more trustworthy than women, so maybe it does make a difference, I don’t know. If I’m wrong and it goes south, we’ll, he knows nothing that can hurt me. No friend will ever know anything that can hurt me. I’m pretty open these days, you may have noticed.

1. Are you still into makeup?

Yes! In fact I’m in the process of replacing all of my makeup, brushes and moisturizers etc...

I have thousands of dollars worth of beauty products. I have a four tier professional makeup travel case that weighs a freaking ton. I had both my girls come over to go shopping in my cases. They could take brushes, palettes, highlighters, lipsticks etc. anything they wanted and they pretty much cleaned me out. Which was a win win for everyone. They can’t necessarily afford $50 for an eyeshadow pallet or a brush so, they have some very nice collections now and for Christmas I bought them each very nice sets of brushes.

My point, yes, I’m having a blast starting over. It’s going to take some time, of course, but I’m ok with taking my time to get another versatile, classic AND fun, well made collection. I love makeup and playing with it.

Ok, I’m sorry but I’m gonna stop here. I have someplace to be!!

Have a good day, luvs

Tracy

Oh My

Tornadoes and floods and snow oh my!

The weather has been nuts!

I had a dream in which I was being followed by someone I used to know so I went to a “friend’s” house and when I opened the front door she was sitting on a couch with a bear who’d been telling her that he loves me but didn’t want to show me in any way.

It was a strange dream.

Aren’t ya glad I shared that?

QandA?

How are you feeling? 

Good, actually. Much better.  The craziest thing to see was how overwhelming constant pain can be. I’m happy!

Do you live over a mall?

I wish that I could tell you more about where I live. It’s so freaking cool!! Several years ago, in Austin, I saw a place that was similar to where I live now but it was much smaller and not this unusual and even then I said “ if we ever move I want to move to something similar” I had a long list of what I wanted in my new home and this ticks every important detail off and most of the ones that I “wished” for but could have let go plus(!) things I didn’t even know I wanted. I love it. Have I said that enough yet?

Why did you start painting?

I want to be an artist. Seriously. How pretentious! 

I feel like deep deep down somewhere I must have a talent. I can sing but so what? Should I sit around singing? I write and I love that and it’s definitely a talent, I should say, being a storyteller, is not something that everyone can do and for some reason my brain has literally thousands of stories inside of it... but it’s not really what I’d call, relaxing and I was also wanting something that I can just turn off my brain and go to that place where you zone out the noise. 

Ok, got. To. Go

I’m up super early... I used to loathe seeing the sunrise. I still don’t love it. But I don’t mind it anymore. That’s super recent. 

Good morning, Sunshine

Tracy

Update!

Got the cath out!!!!

I go back in 12 days. I just went to get it out and decided to give myself a fighting chance before talking about another surgery so I canceled my follow up appt for the same day and made another one for 12 days out.

My pain is gone. I can’t even tell you the mental and emotional difference it makes to not be in pain 24/7. I don’t want to die today. What a difference 30 seconds made!

Cross your fingers and toes. I’ve decided to let it go. Leave it in God’s hands. It will be what it will be and for right now, I’m so happy!!!!

I’ll write more later.

Posting from my phone... I’m a glutton for punishment

Friends....

I don’t like having many friends. I don’t like the responsibility that comes with that. It’s true! I’m afraid of commitment!! There’s something I’ve never said in my blog before!

I like having one maybe two close friends but two is my limit. It takes a lot just to keep myself in my lane. I don’t need to be responsible for other people’s lane too! 

But, I called Robb yesterday. I called for a couple of reasons, one, I blew by our set podcast time and completely forgot about it. Second, I needed a shoulder to cry on that wasn’t family. 

Saturday night I ate dinner, stayed up late until I saw the husband and the boy off to Six Flags, put my sleeping mask on and slept for.... 24 hours.

And when I woke up for the day, after seeing my husband for a pieced together 30 seconds... enough to sleepily ask “ who won the game?” Meaning the Seahawks playoff game and again when I sleepily waved to him as he went to work and he said.... “ sleep as long as your body needs. You’re taking a hit. Let yourself heal” and I drifted back off confident that I was doing the right thing by letting my body take care of my needs....

When I did wake up I was immediately thrust into pain. This pain that I’ve been pushing through for two weeks. That while sleeping I was able to keep at bay... it rushed over me and I just wanted to quit. I just wanted to throw in the towel and say “ ok. I lose. I’m broken.” 

I called Robb to cry on his shoulder. He always answers the phone like this “ Hi ya! You ok?” In Britain “You ok?” Is really just.... “hey! How’s it going?” But since I’m not British I always just answer the question.... us stubborn Americans!  

And I whimpered... “no” and he asked “ the pain?” Which made me cry “ yes” then he said... “ I needed you yesterday. I got in a fight in the Indian”

I repeated that back to him twice. A fight in the Indian?

Yes. Yes. 

Wtf is a fight IN the INDIAN?

The Indian take out!! Some guy started telling me that’s it’s cold in (where he lives) in the fuckin’ winter because of climate change! Then he called me stupid. He was a right daft twat!

I immediately laughed and laughed! I asked “ what did you need me for?” And he said... “ who else can I tell that I got into a fight in the Indian with a daft twat?”

Then he goes on to tell me this story that I can not repeat because there could be some questions of legality ( not on his part) but soon I found the tears flowing from my eyes were from laughter and not pain. Anything he says with a hefty dose of the regional speak of where he grew up, Manchester England, makes me laugh so hard. He doesn’t even try and then I do my best British accent to make fun of him and he and his girls say that I sound like a chimney sweep. Ha! He said that he was going to the store last week, rather than nipping our to the shops and his daughter said “ daddy! You sound American!” In a VERY British accent. Adorable!

My point being that... while I don’t care much for having friends, I’m quite lucky to have this one. 

On a completely different subject, we’re going to Arizona in March if I am approved to travel. I’m glad we are going before the sun turns to dragons breath. March is usually a good time of the year, weather wise. I’m already hearing about stopping at Filiberto’s for Carne Asada and Horchata!! And my favorite Mexican restaurant for polo con crema. You can’t get good Mexican food in the land of Texmex crap!

That’s how we plan a vacation... where are we going to get the best food? Seriously. 

Ok, have to go. I have a doc appt on Wednesday to get the cath removed. Thank you, Baby Jesus. 

Tracy

Back to posting on my laptop....Thank God.

I have just been choosing not to use it because I got so used to the pain of using my Ipad or phone and once you get used to the pain you might as well keep going, I always say.....

Speaking of pain...I am NOT feeling life today. I got cocky and started telling people that my pain has been much better in the last few days because I...Me...Myself...Figured out by doing some Google Doctoring, what is wrong with me and this motherfucking catheter, and since I promised to be open about my medical journey I guess I'll tell you that my bladder has decided to wake up and be PISSED...well, in a manner of speaking....and it's having...Spasms. Yup. It's spazzing out and that causes one's urethra to catch on fire. It's constant fun, really. So, I gave my doc a call and said..."Hey, can we do something about this shit?" and he prescribed me some meds and...THEY WORKED!!! for THREE WHOLE DAYS......  What/who was I in a previous life? Whatever it was, I am really sorry. I'll never do it again, I promise.

So, I have a new laptop and I bought a whole podcast microphone set up. I'm teaching myself the operating system to do the broadcasting and besides the podcasts, I'll be doing live, again, for my spoopy channel, I think I'm going to start a new podcast with....Me. I have thoughts. I have opinions. I have the ability to talk and talk and talk on any given day and so, why not? So it's a major failure. Who cares? Who is gonna care? Nobody AND I can at least say that I gave it a go, Right?  This year....If you want it, get it, do it, live it. For fuck's sake. Time is ticking. Youth is wasted on the young.  What do you think? I'll give you all the info and that would be cool if you wanted to check in sometimes and see what crazy shit I've found myself down the rabbit hole about.

Also, I'm changing my entire diet. I am going to get rid of all white foods and sugars. I don't eat many sweet things anyway but still, my beloved potatoes are pure body sugar and infections live on sugar. I need to make my blood a barrier between me and infections. I am actually excited about this because it means that I can feel like I'm being proactive rather than just living by reacting to what's happening. I can bulk up my immune system all by myself. I can change my own blood, in fact, I'm the only one who can. I want to get off the daily antibiotics, although, thank God for them these past few months, but I want to move back to how I used to medicate naturally. Foods, herbs, oils, tinctures. My kids were raised on them. I didn't take medications for years and here I am, so fucking medicated just to keep away infections and then those medications cause side effects and my autoimmune disease requires a medication that has side effects and while I'll never be able to not have the disease, I can get to a place where I'm on the least amount of medication possible. It is NOT a resolution. Resolutions are simply the first thing you'll fail at in the new year. I'm a fighter and I've been feeling so beat up that my natural instinct to fight back, kick its ass, has been quieted by the feelings of defeat...But, I am not defeated. I'm not going to curl up and wait to die. No. That's not me! I'm Tr-acy Fucking Br-ay-Joh-nson !!!    Spunky, quirky, smart ass, rebel!  :-)

I was listening to my playlist while writing this and Hold on to the Night by Richard Marx and Same Old Lang Syne came on one right after the other. I don't think I've heard Richard Marx in YEARS. I forgot that it was even in my playlist. Wow, that was weird. My brain was suddenly 20 years old. I don't want to get into the habit of having to feel obligated to put music on here if I don't want to but I really considered putting that on...Go listen to it. You'll be shocked how quickly you can feel your seat go back and have a speaker next to your ear   LOL!!!!

Goodnight my luvs,

Taking a trip to the moon tonight....

Tracy