The one about the boy

First.

My son’s 18th birthday is on Tuesday September 1st.

Here is his story.... short as I can make it...

To make a long story short, YM was supposed to be our last child. Signed, sealed and delivered. The end. As she was still an infant I knew she wouldn’t be the last. We were going to have a boy. I KNEW this as strongly as I know my own name.

My husband on the other hand, did not. Nope. Nada. No way, Jose. Not today, not any day. Now, shew!

I assured him that we were going to have another child and he laid down three demands to even think about it.

1) different job
2) larger home
3) larger vehicle to fit another child.

We moved to Arizona for a job position.
We had a home built with four bedrooms, and a game room All of which was just the upstairs.
We bought a larger vehicle.

So I said.... Ahem..... Baby?

No.

He wasn’t feeling it. Three is a lot. Four is chaos.

Every once in awhile I’d say.... Baby?

Every time he replied, “No thank you. I’ve had plenty”

One Christmas we were walking out of a store with bags of wrapping paper and as I stepped of the curb he muttered, whispered, sputtered.... “Ok”

Wha? Huh? Who? Come again? I said, foot mid air....

“We can have a baby.”

“ seriously? A baby?”

“Yes”

And!!!

Anticlimactically......I could NOT conceive. I’d always been a baby making machine. 14th day if my cycle... pregnant. No questions asked.

Not this time. No baby. No baby. Ten more times.

I started charting my cycles. Obsessing over my Basal Temperature was my newest pastime. Inputting the results every morning into the pregnancy program became the thing I jumped out of bed to do before I even peed.

There you go... temp is up... still up... still up...please stay up....

Congratulations 🎉🎊 You Are Pregnant!!

Flashed onto my screen!!

It took a year.

I had:

Hypermesis Graviderum which sounds like a Harry Potter spell but actually means, in Latin, you get to be hospitalized because your can’t stop throwing up... EVER. I did get released, I did not stop throwing up and in fact, I LOST, 35 lbs. I was a stick with a belly which is why it’s so weird that I also got

Gestational Diabetes. That basically took any food that I could eat a tablespoon of, off the table. Not even bananas. I lived on broth in tablespoons, bits of turkey and small amounts of milk.

symphysis pubis dysfunction. This means, and this is an actual quote “ wrenching pain (as though your pelvis is tearing apart“ It is a blast!

And round two of Pre-eclampsia.......

I spent two weeks in a bathtub at the end and I couldn’t walk up my stairs or put on pants/shorts.  

Oh, and I needed a blood transfusion because of me being too anemic.

And guess what?

I never. Ever. Not even one time complained. THAT is how much I adore being pregnant.

The birth story isn’t good and sent me spiraling into depression but the baby. My Mr Mouse. Well, he is smart, curious, thoughtful, funny, an asshole on occasion, determined, young man. 

I am blessed.

Happy Birthday, Cub. It’s been awesome knowing you!

Since I’ve been gone...written on my phone. Sorry!

Hello

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. 

I had my antibiotic dosage doubled and I have to take them every six hours round the clock. I don’t think they’re working.... Or it’s possible that my kidneys just hurt from the infection.... did I mention I have a kidney infection? I don’t even know what I wrote last and I’m in a hurry so I’m not even gonna look. Yes! Lazy!

It’s kicking my ass. That’s all I know. 

My head is a little less in the black water these days. I think it’s because “My” time of year is here and whatever it takes is good by me.

Ancestry dot com gave me a few free days to look up people in yearbooks!!! Guess who I can’t find? Ya, ME!!! How is that possible? I’ve been looking up so many people from the Movie of My Life and it’s SO WEIRD!! These people look like babies!! And I knew most of them then. My God, life is flying by.

Looking at those pictures made me glad that I don’t live in the same city or even state where I was born and I didn’t get married until I was 25. I mean, that’s not old but it also wasn’t 18! Or 19 like my mother. I’m so glad that I got to live life and experience different people and places. It had never occurred to me that I wouldn’t live in the same city for my entire life. It’s just how it was. I didn’t know anyone who’d left their hometown.  I probably would never have chosen to move to Texas, per se, but here’s the weird thing, TWO people I dated live in Texas. One was Rob’s best friend and, being honest, that was for about a minute and really only to make Rob jealous, that worked, but he lives, literally, under five miles from me currently. If that isn’t a small world, I don’t know what is. The oldest son’s lifelong best friend lives here and a close friend of mine from Arizona moved here as well. It’s really odd that of all the places...

Ok, sit down because this is just how small the world is and it’s gonna rock someone’s world if they are even reading. For the rest of you... Well, you’ll be confused. Sorry.

I get emails from Planned Parenthood. I really have no idea why, but that’s not the point. Usually I don’t read them. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have anything to use them for, so, they usually just get deleted as most times they seem to just be asking for money.... but this one caught my attention because of the title....

Meet Mattise:

This is not a common name, although I adore it. So I clicked on the email. The one that goes out to everyone in the US on their list, I would imagine. And there it was... An article written by Mat-tise Wo-od along with her photo.

The article described her experience with a Catholic university which I knew immediately to be the University that I had once lived close to and her how they treated her after she was sexually assaulted. 

She’s bright and brave and Looks like sunshine.

Very brave. I hope that she is supported in her braveness. Lioness. 

On the 1st of September my youngest will be an adult. That is shaking me up. What is my purpose in life? Will I become invisible? I’m going to die soon. ( ya, that was cheery, right? ) 

Last but not least.... a day doesn’t go by.... One hour doesn’t go by where my OM doesn’t call me. We talk while she nurses and I listen to My Lucky Penny’s nursing sounds and my heart is filled to capacity with love for this tiny human who is 25% Me!! He will look at me on the phone and smile! He was here last weekend and cooed and smiled and reached out for my face. My God. It’s perfect.

My other 25 percenter saw me on FaceTime tonight and yelled “Grandma!” He has five or six grandmas ( lesbians and bio father’s wife etc) and I’m the ONLY one he calls Grandma. Yes, it’s a fucking contest, ok?!

I have done well. My kids and grandkids are pretty kick ass.

Have to go. Nearly done with first draft of my book. I like it.

Me

Hey there...

So, here’s how things are going....

I was called last Monday and told that I’m in kidney failure. I suppose that I already knew that was coming having doctor googled myself. I’m so tired. Not like, sleepy, like TIRED. Able to literally sleep 24 hours away and made to get up to eat. That’s the arrangement I’ve made for now. Take no medicine except for some shots that support kidney function. Sleep as much as my body says, set a timer for fluids and antibiotics and if that fails, hospital.

This is always such a special time of year, isn’t it? Hospital, surgery, hospital. I feel so pampered.

So, remember the warm and fuzzies when my dad’s wife, who’d said three words to me in like, 30 years, wrote and was kind and said “ keep me updated” blah blah blah.

That literally didn’t last past that first email.

She sent me the necklace and my dad’s ashes, I wrote and thanked her, asked how she was, nothing. Wrote and told her about my sweet baby L and nothing.

I wrote and told her that as a beneficiary of my father’s will, I hate to have to ask, but I’m legally required to be given a copy. See, I’m not going down that road again. No, honey, I learned a VALUABLE lesson about that and being “nice.” Now, I asked very tactfully and respectfully and kindly. I’m not cruel.... Often, and it’s been weeks since then. I sent a text to her daughter “ your mom still have same email?” “Yes.... I think” I told her that I can’t get ahold of her mom. Silence. Crickets. 

I wrote another email last night “ checking to see how you are. Hope your as good as you can be”

Nothing.

I guess I’m getting a lawyer. 

This will be different.

It really really sucks that people become shitty over money. Although, she taught me ages ago who she was so, not shocking, I guess, but I hate that part of me that wants to trust people and they always end up.... No, I just find out who they are. 

Not always. My husband never has a stacked deck.   That’s rare. So far Robb doesn’t either. That’s more rare. I can and will be your best ride or die. I like that about me.

My youngest will be 18 on the 1st. My heart aches. That’s it. I’m done. Well, he’s a senior but legally, I’ll be crossing the finish line. 36 years from uterus to adulthood. Four children. I like that about me as well. That’s some strong woman shit right there!

I have to go.

Tracy

Written on my phone and not edited. My bad! Good luck!

How’s it going?

It’s early in the AM. I have a FaceTime doctor’s visit this morning and then I think I’m going to venture out to Ikea..... we have “tax free weekend” in Texas and that was this weekend so my logic says.... IKEA should not be as full and besides, I don’t think that on a busy day that I’ve been more that six feet close to someone. It’s just so big!!

I’m not going for any real reason other than the meatballs, if I’m honest!! 

The OM and family came over Saturday so I got to hold Linc-oln and I swear, I’m so in love with this tiny human who also.... Has my palms!!! For some very strange and odd reason, my palm game is strong! :-) 

We were going through old pictures and can see where oldest boy really looked like his son does at the same age. And photos where YM looks like her son and me.

It’s really awesome. I highly recommend it. 

The oldest grandson is very shy and on the spectrum. I keep lots of books here for him to read. He’s the fastest reader I’ve ever met. Goosebumps book...30 minutes. Done. I’m going to have a library soon!! I try and steer him to more “classical” reads as well, A Wrinkle in Time, The Wind in the Willows, Where the Red Fern Grows etc, and he’s finding that interesting as well, which thrills me!!

The granddaughter is so great and funny and smart and.... A Holy Terror! Yes! This child is stubborn, insightful, intuitive, can’t be “tricked” into “good” behavior, determined and strong willed!!

This is the child that grandparents will onto their child who was the same!! She’s a feisty ball of fire who gives them a run for their money and I get called A LOT for advice. I wish I knew!! Just water her and try and gently direct the way she grows... she’ll be a leader. Not a follower!

I’ve been getting a lot of emails asking how I am. It’s very kind of everyone to reach out. Thank you. I get bored with my own self talking about depression or urologists! I can’t wait for a day where those words are words I never use again. So bored!! Yet, so large. We will speak later of it all. 

Well, I have homework to do on the pineal gland for a podcast coming up. Yes, that is strange and if anyone were to look at my search history they’d think I’m a nut job, it’s a long story, but I get a lot of questions about having a scar between my eyes. I always thought it was from chicken pox but looking at childhood pictures I see that it’s not. Some religions actually have a belief about this mark and it’s been very interesting digging into this to try and answer questions that I get but, it seems that there’s such a deep religious aspect that I find most won’t be satisfied with the answers or lack of answers.... sorry, I went off down the rabbit hole... must be going!

Me.                       Painting:     Le Jardin 

Hey!

How are ya?

Let me get into this real quick so some of Ya’ll can stop emailing me:

Yes. I know that shutting the smoothie place down puts people out of work. I also know that up until this week, those people would get their unemployment plus $600. That means that to stay safely at home you would likely be making more money than before. Ok? Ok.

Yes, I know that there are essential frontline workers. My husband is one, so are/were both of my daughters and my son ( get back to this) I get that people need garden supplies, I guess, flowers are great, or home improvement items, yes, your toilet goes south, you definitely need to be able to fix that or your sink or whatever. Yes, duh, grocery stores need to be open. Sure industry needs to keep industrializing!! I get that too. Painters need to paint, concrete needs pouring, windows need installing, street repair, hospitals, electricity, cable, internet.... yes!!! I get it. 

I got you, Karen, but then can’t those people have max protection from getting sick, or you know, their asses beat because Bubba and Becky think it’s against their God Given Rights  to just help a bit. Put protection into place so those people aren’t scared shitless to be at work, which leads me to....

My YM was so petrified to go to work with the public across from one of the largest airports in the country where she was forbidden to tell customers to wear a mask!! That she could not function because her boyfriend ( now ex?) has a severe disease and she thought as she left for work every day that she’d come home with a virus and kill him. Wear your mask. It’s to protect your fellow man. It’s a kindness.

The economy needs to be running. My dad died for it. Don’t come for me again until you’ve sacrificed more than wearing a face mask.

Now onto my Uro-Gyn!! Woot!! I’ve got a new doctor! Do you know that only 35 doctors in the country, per year, are allowed to graduate as a Urologist-Gynecologist! This is my second.

We spoke for an hour. There are several surgeries that we can try, like, twelve or something, and we will go through them if necessary. Woot! But he told me that it looks like that original doctor who did the hysterectomy fucked up and that there’s a good chance that the “sling” he used has “dissolved” and left metal clips floating around and that he placed it wrong. There are no scars, no notes, as to where he was supposed to poke two holes through my pelvic area. Oops. 

This one seems very good. Promises that he won’t cover for another doctor’s fuck up and also....

I know how long he’s been married, how many children they have, the nationality of his wife, where he thinks COVID-19 came from ( man made and weaponized), that his politics are just right of center and he’s lost three cell phones in his pool this summer.

As you can imagine, me, being shy AF, nodded a lot.

We start vacation on Friday, possibly tomorrow and guess what?! We can’t go! Ah, Covid-19, you sneaky little bastard you! But, I’m going to paint and I have some things to do with the apartment ( stop me from spending money!) and it will actually be nice to just cook when/if we want. Relax, watch movies etc..

I have a story about my dad’s wife. I’ll add it soon. But, you don’t want to hear it now.

Also, strange dreams lately! Seriously, the cast of the Tracy show, like my whole life, is being featured EVERY NIGHT!

My mom and dad, TOGETHER! In their 20’s! Wtf? Everyone I’ve ever dated and the different ways those could have played out, like, I get chosen, what? Visits back to places I’ve lived, Doug! My childhood but I’m me as an adult AND a child, taking care of me. Really the most bizarre and wonderful dreams!! 

All these visitors. Past stars and guest stars of my life and it’s lovey and kind and loving and I get chosen, I know, I said that already but how different my life would have been if at different points on my path if I’d been chosen there instead of carrying on? How lovely and yet, I was supposed to move on through this cast of characters. I was supposed to take a piece here and there and absorb this from her and that from him and learn these lessons to pass on. No, I’m not high, Karen! 

But seeing my mom in my dreams, young, straight black hair to her butt. No being crazy to me, although I now know that there was chaos then, there isn’t in my dreams. My dad, with dark hair and his mustache getting along with my mom has said.....” it’s so much different, Honey. All that worry. Pointless. All the anger? Slips away. No regrets. Relax.”

Even today, I am still a work in progress my loves, my Mon ami’s,  my Sonny’s and my moons! My fellow air band mates! My gigglers and laughers. My touches and hugs. My past and my future and the combinations of both. 

Me