I don’t day drink. I RARELY drink at all.
I simply wanted to drown out the day. Put myself to sleep. Sink into the black waters and feel the quiet. Stop the voices yelling at me. The anger. The pure rage. The name calling. The charges against me, one, having my 24 year old Son pay $50 a MONTH for rent( we also got him a bank account at 18 and a credit card to put a bit on and make payments to help get him used to responsibility) and two, we moved from Spokane and ruined his life ( Take a ticket, Luv,).
The noise…..
Because my oldest flew into Texas, has been staying with Om, and then oldest son sent a text to my husband, not even me, saying “ I’m five minutes away from your house” knowing my husband wouldn’t be home so they’d have free reign.
It was like the room went into slow motion as all four kids walked in ( they tricked youngest into going to lunch by having YM lie and say that it was just her getting him out of the house)
I had time to think….. Am I feeling emotions? Am I numb? What is happening to my brain as it felt disconnected from my body. Pure panic attack where I just simply felt like I was watching this happen. Two kids silent and awkward and two just tag teaming.
I felt more tired than I thought possible. My mind trying to escape. My husband ringing the phone off the hook. WaWaWaWaWa went the raised voices….
And I’m afraid to feel that slipping feeling. Dark water. I’m a piece of shit he said. He gritted his teeth and spit out between pursed lips… piece of shit. Worthless. Hate. Feels nothing but rage.
It’s a loop in my mind now. Replaying. Those and every unkind word ever in my life. I remember each and every one.
I believe them. Must be true. Am I a piece of shit?
It’s dark.
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