World Events

 It’s hard for me to post when I’m feeling particularly anxious and Unnecessary wars do that to me. I have a good friend who lives in Finland who’s scared shitless that Russia is going to invade them… FINLAND. WTF. Nuclear weapons talk being thrown around by crazy fucks is also in my list of things that cause me anxiety. I know, silly me. I read read read and watch watch watch all things Ukraine and I’m just sick that the world stands by and watched a Democratic country be invaded by a batshit crazy dictator and Trump is praising him. How in the fuck did this country get to a place where Fox News excuses a Russian dictator? Remember Red Dawn? Ya, movie was in the 80’s! My parent’s generation hid under desks ( like that’s gonna help your skin from melting off?!) now those same Boomers are standing behind trump? WTF?! I don’t get it. A former AMERICAN President is verbally blowing this guy and it’s not shocking to 1/2 the country? It feels crazy! People who live in the south still hear those exact same bomb sirens, that our parents heard, when there’s a tornado, does that not register???? ( Ps: tornado sirens went off last week at 3:30 am!) I can not do it. I feel too much empathy. It’s not always the best trait.

On to another subject! Ya, so tornado sirens went off. I was awake which is a good thing because we must be too far from the siren to hear it well or we are really well insulated. You wanna know what we did? Sat in bed and listened for the tell tail windy sound. Ya, we are officially Texans. Like, “damn, it’s late, Girl, calm yourself down and do not make me get up out of this bed right now!” We also had another ice storm a few days ago. Don’t worry, I’m sure that climate isn’t a thing. It always freezes in TEXAS. I’m not gonna lie though, better to get super cold than live in a state where it’s heating up. I could use summer being a couple degrees cooler. 

I met my new psychiatrist and…. I like him! What a twist! He’s low spoken, intelligent, interested, open minded, and thinks I need to do something different with my medication… Now that part bothers me. I do not like change. I’m not changing medication but I will be changing dosage and that always worries me. I will admit that as much as I advocate for understanding and better wording/ descriptions of depression and anxiety, I do hate to need the medication. I hate that I can’t control my own brain. I can’t control my other organs either but it feels different when it’s your brain. Can’t I just BE less anxious or happier? Can’t I just be “ normal?” 

I asked for a gift for my upcoming birthday. I follow a jeweler online. Someone I know told me that they design amazing stuff and they only use AAA gemstones and semi Precious stones, they dip their silver in rhodium so that it’s shinier and doesn’t tarnish, I love love silver. Anyway, I asked for a piece that has the deepest blue Lapis lazuli and I want it badly. It’s not “expensive” but it’s so beautiful, yet simple. 

Must go. 

Luv, me

Two days in a row?

 Look at me being all chatty!

Let’s get into this…. IKEA

What did I ever see in ikea? The place is def one of Dante’s levels of hell. It’s a claustrophobic, concrete ball of magnified sound AND for good measure, the lighting, fluorescent, causes my immune disease to send out bomb siren alerts that shut down ability to not throw up. Yes. I paid $7 dollars for meatballs that I immediately saw again, but not in a good way.

I was wanting to look at a comforter and I just could not stay for another second. Raise the alarms! Evacuate Immediately!

What would it feel like to be normal? 

Next! I think we picked out a couch and I really didn’t get much of a say. The guy who couldn’t have cared less about a new couch suddenly had ALL the opinions and he literally picked a couch that is identical to the couch we have now. It’s a sectional and this guy loves his corner seat. We’ll see.

About the movie, the Tender Bar, I forgot to say that I love the soundtrack and actually replayed a scene where, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, was in. I forgot how much I loved that song as a SMALL child and realized that my parents did listen to the radio, it was me that couldn’t unless I was in the car! 

Hrmph!

Have to run. I’ve been awake for 26 hours and I’m going down. 

Me

Sunday

 What’s up, Buttercup?

Guess who has been able to eat more of the things? Ya, me! I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in a long time!! Nock on wood, seriously, right now. I’m kind of superstitious.

So, remember months and months ago when I wanted a new couch but I talked myself out of it? I’m getting a new couch. I can’t help it! Sometimes I get an idea in my head and it won’t shake lose, even after 9 month. We’re gonna go look today. Also, a trip to Ikea… For lunch! I’ve been craving their meatballs, well, let’s be honest, I’ve been craving FOOD, but for some reason, it’s the meatballs that are winning! 

Have you watched Tender Bar with Ben Affleck? It’s really good! Nightmare Alley? Terrible. Rotten. Could not like it. I had the ending figured out from jump and I hate that. One of the top two best written tv shows ever, in my opinion, Fringe, is on Hbomax and I’m watching it for the third time. I still notice things I’d not noticed before and I LOVE IT! For the record, the other show is The Killing, which I’ve also watched three times.  Oh! Another terrible movie, Being the Ricardo’s. Terrible! The Lady Vanishes(Amazon prime) is good, mindless, fun if you like old fashioned mystery movies or authors.

You know, just in case you were wondering….

I’ve been asked numerous times if I’ve spoken to the oldest son and daughter and the answer is, no. It gets…. Easier(?) with time, I guess. I’ve locked it into the box. 

I have to go.

Tracy

Here’s a story that I rarely tell…

 And when I say rarely, I mean that there may be a handful of people that I’ve told.

I’m not sure why, exactly, but I think that some stories are treasures in some way and should maybe be held close to your heart rather than voiced to only be judged. That’s it, I’m sure. I’ve only ever shared with people I knew for certain would hear it as it should be heard and nothing else.

I do want to share it here for posterity sake and can only hope that it’s taken with kindness.

We went to a book signing. This was in the darkest of the days. I didn’t know the author nor his name and will not share it here. But I went with a friend not expecting much at all but hoping to at the very least, feel the fresh air.

The signing was in a library and the crowd was rather small really, maybe 20-23(?) people. The author stood up and began to speak and then he stopped and talked about the crowd size. He asked us to all put our chairs in a circle so we did, he thought that we should scooch in closer and we did and then he went around the room and asked our names and asked that we’d tell him about the funniest, the most awkward, the most painful things we’d ever experienced. No pressure. 

We were laughing and cringing then laughing and then tearing up. It was really touching. I mean, I hated it because I like to be invisible, but when it was my turn I told the funniest, the most awkward and then stated that I was soon going to have a new most awkward and told the whole room my saddest story. Why on earth did I do that??? I have no idea. I had no idea then. It just felt like I needed to be honest. Everyone was spilling their guts out everywhere and I thought I’d be a jerk for disrespecting their stories by lying about mine. 

When we were done he sat forward in his seat and began to tell us the story of his life. His father hated him and beat him relentlessly. He said he didn’t understand why as a small child but when he was about 9 years old his father beat him after he found him having a tea party with his sister. He yelled that he was a sissy and a fa@@ot and that he wouldn’t tolerate it. 

The child realized that he meant that he wasn’t like other boys, which was true. He liked cooking with his mother and learned to sew. He didn’t like sports or “boy” things. He liked music and dancing and tea parties. 

His father kicked him out at 15 years old where he lived on the street and stole from unlocked cars, sometimes even sleeping in one of it was really cold.

It was around that time that he realized that he was attracted to guys but had no idea what that meant. He started drinking and was “ befriended” by an older man who gave him alcohol and food and a place to stay and he also raped him in return. Finally the man began taking him to gay bars to troll for men, he would get paid for the men raping the teen. 

He started doing drugs, it made things easier he said. 

He stayed with the man for several years until he’d had enough and figured that he could get the money if he’d take himself to the bars. He described standing in the parking lot in the rain, rail thin, going through withdrawals, because he hadn’t been able to bring himself to go in and do tricks. Finally he went in.

He spoke in a low tone. Looking at us each and then putting his head down. I was bawling. I don’t know what came over me but it was if I could touch the grief of the little boy who’d been lost inside the man. Or maybe see him there, in just the right light, as a small boy who only wanted, needed, to be loved. 

To make this story shorter, he eventually got clean, went to college, met a partner and was told that he had AIDS. It had progressed passed the point of any real hope. He knew that he’d gotten it in those bars and he’d infected his partner. No one would shake his hand or eat with him for a long time. Fear was rampant. I was still bawling.

Eventually he wrapped up and asked “ Do your awkward stories suddenly seem a lot less awkward?” And I ugly cried and laughed. Yes. Absolutely.

I had to speak with him afterward and he hugged me. I will admit that my very first thought was fear. It was pretty early in the development of the information about AIDS but I didn’t pull away. He hugged ME as I cried over HIS life story and my life story and the weight that I felt crushing me… The kindness in that was immense!

We became friends. Kept in touch. Would meet for coffee and he was disappearing right in front of my eyes. The disease was vicious. One late night I received a call that he had passed. During one of our conversations he asked us f I felt that he’d go to hell. He was worried about that. He, like me, had been raised hearing about all the people who go to hell. All the sins that keep one from heaven, but as I knew this man I could not believe that a God worthy of worship would send him to hell. He nodded his head and then said “ I don’t know”

The friend I’d went to the signing with went with me to the funeral. There were picketers outside of the funeral home and we were escorted in by the police. No one else was there. Not even the minister. Fear of walking through picketers, I suppose. I signed his guest book. Sat for awhile and really wanted to tell him that if anyone was going to hell it would be those people outside. Not someone who’d just needed to be loved. And WAS, after all he’s been through, a loving person. 

I think about him often. I think that meeting him taught me empathy. What a gift.

Me

Whole Bunch of Stuff

 Topic dump!

This might be all over the road so buckle up because I’m gonna cover a few topics that might not warrant a whole post and none of them are going to be about what I can eat or what I CAN’T eat( which is ALL the things) so! Here we go…

1) My YM ( Mi-ya) is turning 24 on Valentines Day and I want to describe my YM to you.

For those that don’t know, YM’s heart stopped beating at birth. The reason was twofold. One, I had, at some point, leaked all of my amniotic fluid in about 2 days prior to her birth ( we know I had it three days prior because I’d had a stress test done) and the main complication with that is the heart stops beating and the survival rate is VERY VERY low. I’ve known two other people who had that happen and both babies passed. Also, she had the chord around her neck. 

Here’s the weird part…. And I’m about to look kinda crazy…. We’ve had several pets die at home and every single one has either gone to YM or would ONLY be held by YM and I wonder if it’s because they sense something about her? Her heart has stopped beating!

Anyway… She is so soft spoken. You might never hear her yell or raise her voice. She feels comfortable. Like a cozy blanket. The air feels different when she’s in a room. She’s shy but also brave. She can be lazy as hell but has a work ethic like a racehorse. She’s silly and funny and fucking adorable. I just want to squeeze her and her cheeks. She’s beautiful and doesn’t know it. She’s brilliant with anything electronic and computer or phone related and it’s ALL self taught. If she can’t fix it, it can’t be fixed. She’s fierce and protective. She is the youngest child’s biggest fan, friend, supporter, favorite person and she loves him with all her heart. They are thisclose even with a 4.5 year age gap. They are soulmates. When she cries my heart breaks. When she’s been hurt I went on a rampage. She’s the first warm breeze in the spring and the warmth of a fireplace in the winter. When she was little I told her that if we opened up her tummy we would see that she’s stuffed with beautifully perfect white owl feathers and she now has a tattoo of an owl with her big blue eyes. Eyes that everyone comments that she got from her daddy…. First off!!! Science, people! Were you awake in the 8th grade?! She can’t have gotten her soft beautiful blue eyes from her dad, I have hazel/brownish eyes so I’M dominant! I had to throw in the blue eyed gene, not him!! Focus people, for those sky blue beauties, I get credit! ( And, also for my three brown eyed kids as even the father of the oldest had blue eyes. Hurmph!) I’m the eye queen here.

Anyway, she healed Valentines Day for me and continues to bless me with her ability to sooth my heart. Is she perfect? No. Can she be stubborn and rude. Of course. But look at her. Listen to her. She’s a wonder.

My 24th year of life was a dumpster fire. The worst year of my life. I was engaged. Dumped. Tried to unalive myself and failed at that too, went for a stay “ At the Ranch” for a month. Lost a good 75% of my friends because once you go that far, well, you might be the “ crazy” one ( we still need education about mental health!) had to spend a couple weeks in another hospital to get weaned off the medication that the ranch gave me for anxiety ( Xanax is the devil. Here’s what they don’t tell you about Xanax. Once you take it for a few days, as prescribed, three times per day, your brain stops making GABA and when your brain stops making GABA this is what happens and going off of Xanax suddenly can and does cause seizures and death. 

“The most important function of GABA is in our brain. When GABA levels get too low, it's difficult for the body to relax after a stress-induced neurotransmitter release. Low GABA activity leads to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and mood disorders. GABA is a natural brain relaxant that makes us feel good.”

So, you’re fucked when you’re in between doses. The devil.

Because I was away in a safe place twice, I couldn’t work and nearly lost my house. I had to take in a roommate and she was not only a stripper but had FIVE kids and an ex husband with an anger management problem fueled by alcohol and I was in a spiral like a tornado.

Thank God, my dad booted her and helped me with my house issue.

So, as you can see, 24 put me through boot camp. It did teach me A LOT about Judging people who’d gone through some shit and mental health and friends and that if you just hold on through one horrible, shitty, no good year, the wave that once was drowning you can get you to the next year where everything goes right and your life changes for the better in ways you never thought possible.

Next time I write I’m going to tell you about someone I met when I was 24. He was an author and an incredibly kind person. No, we didn’t date or anything even close and you’ll see why. People come into our lives for a reason, or a season or for life. He came into mine for a reason. I’ve never told it here. Ever. Very few people I know have ever heard it.

Next!

My dad’s ashes sit in my home. I’ve spent most of my life not particularly interested in football but my dad, boy was he a fan. He started following the Seahawks on day one. They didn’t have a stadium and practiced in Pullman Idaho. He would take me to watch. I now realize who I was watching and how amazing that opportunity was but I didn’t care back then.

Two years ago when my dad passed the sports channels started playing old football games and I’d turn them on in between binging Shark Tank for therapy, because the noise reminded me of my dad. Last year I watched a bit with my husband but this year?! I literally watched every Monday, Thursday and Sunday and I know it’s my dad’s doing! I would get excited like, yeah! Today is Thursday! Football! I have since found myself in conversations with men about teams, players, stats, who was traded where and why and I know soooo much behind the scenes gossip that it’s ridiculous! My husband comes home from work and I’m all “ You know who I can’t stand? Patrick Mahome’s girlfriend and his brother! Listen to this shit!” Or “ Hey! Guess who got cut from the Lions today!” Or “ Oh shit! Did you hear what the coach from the dolphins said about that asshole Tom Brady?” He thinks it’s funny. I think I’m losing it.

Damn, this is long. I must go. It’s broth time… Oh! There it is!

Me

So, I’m home…

 But, I’m on a ridiculous diet of…. Jello, broth, mashed potatoes ( which is saving my sanity right now) one grilled chicken tender for dinner, water, milk, rice and scrambled eggs and, ya, that’s about it. Barely any fiber. 

It’s fantastic, isn’t it? 

No.

My husband keeps telling me that I am NOT starving to death, well, my friend, tell that to my jewelry and clothes. This is, what, week 2 or three???? 

I have snuck some decaf coffee and some pudding. Shhhhh 

We had an ice storm and snow!!!!!! I know that this is the least popular opinion in Texas, but I loved it!!!! My husband was home for 4.5 days and when that happens we throw out the clocks and sleep for a few hours, wake up for a few hours, solve ALL the worlds problems, lose track of the days and it my favorite thing. I open the 9 foot blinds to let the gloomy grey clouds in and the fresh snow flies by. I bury myself in blankets and find my joy. I’ve learned about Egypt, an unsolved murder, octopus, Rome, A Tinder crime, and The Library of Alexandria( that is amazing in the truest sense of the word) HAPPY PLACE.

It’s going to be 75 degrees this week. What a strange roller coaster.

I see that everyone got the memo to wear blue. Viva Las Vegas. Most handsome. Love the outfit . Baby’s got blue eyes and he knows I’ll see him in that photo so I like to think he’s looking at me, a hazel eyed girl. 

Night love vs,

Me

And Then…

 We start to leave Montana and the moving truck breaks down. Perfect. We dropped it somewhere to be fixed, ate lunch and then started off again and we’d be swinging back into Idaho. I was so tired from stress, loss, fear, excitement that 1/2 hour into our drive I asked to pull over, I was following the moving truck. In the truck was my husband and Madison, with me was the oldest boy and YM. 

We pulled over, I fell asleep for 20 minutes, felt much better and off we went.

The truck had a Governor on it so it could only go about 62 mph and it was pure country driving. Out in the middle of nowhere, no change in scenery for miles and miles and with my view being the back of the truck and RYDER to stare at I’d get antsy. I’d call my husband and say: Meet you down the road! I’d pass him and just drive, play music and have a dance party. Then I’d pull over 25 miles down the road and wait for the truck. I did this often. Once I pulled over next to the largest bird I’ve ever seen. A vulture standing about 3 1/2 -4 feet. It’s wingspan had to have been massive. He didn’t even flinch when I stopped, in fact, he looked me dead in the eye as if to say “ Step out of that car and I will fuck you up” 

I believed him. I called my husband and told home that he’d find me next to a can of whoop ass. 

I was free. I felt like someone had opened the door to my cage and let me fly. 

We drove into Idaho then Utah where the sky was dumping feet of snow as we drove through the mountains and then into Page Arizona where we had to cross a bridge over a canyon and I froze in the middle of that bridge…..

My husband was following me. I am terrified of heights. I told him that I couldn’t drive over the bridge. I promised that there was no way that my body would allow this. He coaxed me onto the bridge. “ don’t look down. Look at the back of the car in front of you. You got this. Great job.”

And then I looked. I’ve come to realize since then, especially after my train track debacle, that panic is not only, Fight or Flight but we leave out the last option, Freeze. That’s me. Queen of Freeze. Which I did. In the middle of the bridge. With the weight of all our worldly  possessions behind me and multiple cars building up. Then I was terrified that the bridge would collapse from the weight. But did that spur me on? No. I was gonna die on the bridge one way or another. 

My husband ran up to my car, had the oldest boy get into the truck and drove me across then he went back and drove the truck. People were not happy. I parked the car next to a grassy park, got out, tripped and landed face first in the grass. I remained there bloody and laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks. At least I was free and I’d never see any of those people again. We got sandwiches and ate lunch there. 

We stayed the night in Flagstaff where we picked up some new furniture and the next day we hit Phoenix during a record heat. 120 in October. I knew right then and there that Arizona, well, anything below Prescott, was not the place for me. But it was a whole new movie and that was an exciting adventure.

Ps: my in-laws lived in Mesa. By the time we hit Mesa they’d secured a home for us and we went and signed the papers. It was in Chandler, which I loved, across the street from the school that the OM would start kindergarten in the following year and the first Halloween I’d ever experienced where coats weren’t only not needed but everyone sat out in the driveways to pass out candy while they BBQ’d. It was a whole new world!

Tonight we’re having an ice storm. We’re also supposed to get several inches of snow. Hope our power grid handles it. 

Tracy

Still in Hospital

 And when I say that I’m starving, I mean starving. I’ve lost ten pounds in a week. I didn’t even know that was possible. Fuck Survivor, go on a liquid diet and sleep a lot. I win!  My jewelry is falling off of my fingers! I had to reduce my Tiffany bracelet by two loops. I’m living a Stephen King Novel.

But I can scratch my arm and that makes me very happy.

So the husband and I realized that we moved from my hometown 22 years ago as of last October. TWENT TWO YEARS! We’d only been married for 6 years when we moved. I bought my first house when I was 22. I’ve given birth to and raised an entire other adult since we moved! 

I don’t think that I’ve ever told the story of why and how and when we moved so, in honor of 22 YEARS!!!! I’m gonna!

I think of my life as a movie. Different actors, different soundtracks and also like a script . Like the scene ends and the page in the script is turned and boom! Whole new movie or maybe just new actors. 

I’ve had that several times, but for now, let’s start back at an early page of the script.

I had a baby at 16 years old. The page from 15-16 turned like a tornado ripping through my movie. But it was good.

Then I started a job at 18 and the script page was turned and entire new cast was brought in. The formative years into adulthood had mostly the same large characters but mentally, emotionally, physically the movie was pretty dramatic but, for the most part, it was good. I learned a lot. About the world, people, survival and myself. I’m pretty proud of that part of the script. I was molded in ways that moved me forward and helped me build some of the tools I’d need in life.

Then suddenly, but not without warning, the script turned the page and I, literally, had a new cast of players. Nearly everyone was replaced and those that I held onto for a bit longer eventually fell away as well and my life wasn’t even recognizable to that previous page. New job, bought my first house, roommates, baseball, dancing, freedom. Tight knit group. I felt safe. 

Then the page turned again. Still the same group but someone new and before I could stop it, or even see it, the page ripped violently and suddenly. 

I isolated myself and let in a new, very small cast, with a couple of the old cast for balance and swore off  emotional attachment. 

Page turns and by 26 I’m  married with two children. By 29 I have a newborn just before my 30th birthday.

The house, the car, the job are beginning to feel too tight.

My mother in law came to visit and begged us to move to Arizona. I was in no way going to move to be closer to her. I loved where I lived but also felt strangled by the ghosts in my movie. They were everywhere. The reminders of times I didn’t want or need reminded of or to have my new little family come into contact with and when the mother in law mailed us a newspaper with job listings it was hard to believe. The industry my husband works in was exploding in Arizona. The money was unlimited. The sign on bonuses unheard of where we lived. The benefits were also never seen where we lived and we got on the computer to do homework about Phoenix suburbs and landed on one. Chandler. It was beginning to grow but still had a quaint family friendly feeling. Good schools. Good neighborhoods, close to everything and we decided to make the jump.

And then my mom was told and all hell broke loose. And then she died.

When I’ve said that I was literally buying a casket and paying for a moving truck at the same time, I mean it. Here I was, barely able to function yet packing us up, we got someone to rent my house, we had Doug across the street to manage the place and tenets, said our good byes and….. Left hours and hours late. We had used Mapquest to map out our daily drive time, we had hotels lined up and we gave ourselves five days to make the move. After all, we had three kids and one was four and one was 18 months.

We ate into those first drive hours and didn’t leave until 6pm, we had to drive to Montana. By the time we stopped for dinner and drove to Montana I was beginning to ponder pulling into a parking lot. My blinks were becoming too long to be safe. We made it! 

What didn’t we have?

Any place to move in to. No idea where we were going to end up. My mother in law was in charge of looking at places. We were flying on a wing and a prayer.

More next time