Topic dump!
This might be all over the road so buckle up because I’m gonna cover a few topics that might not warrant a whole post and none of them are going to be about what I can eat or what I CAN’T eat( which is ALL the things) so! Here we go…
1) My YM ( Mi-ya) is turning 24 on Valentines Day and I want to describe my YM to you.
For those that don’t know, YM’s heart stopped beating at birth. The reason was twofold. One, I had, at some point, leaked all of my amniotic fluid in about 2 days prior to her birth ( we know I had it three days prior because I’d had a stress test done) and the main complication with that is the heart stops beating and the survival rate is VERY VERY low. I’ve known two other people who had that happen and both babies passed. Also, she had the chord around her neck.
Here’s the weird part…. And I’m about to look kinda crazy…. We’ve had several pets die at home and every single one has either gone to YM or would ONLY be held by YM and I wonder if it’s because they sense something about her? Her heart has stopped beating!
Anyway… She is so soft spoken. You might never hear her yell or raise her voice. She feels comfortable. Like a cozy blanket. The air feels different when she’s in a room. She’s shy but also brave. She can be lazy as hell but has a work ethic like a racehorse. She’s silly and funny and fucking adorable. I just want to squeeze her and her cheeks. She’s beautiful and doesn’t know it. She’s brilliant with anything electronic and computer or phone related and it’s ALL self taught. If she can’t fix it, it can’t be fixed. She’s fierce and protective. She is the youngest child’s biggest fan, friend, supporter, favorite person and she loves him with all her heart. They are thisclose even with a 4.5 year age gap. They are soulmates. When she cries my heart breaks. When she’s been hurt I went on a rampage. She’s the first warm breeze in the spring and the warmth of a fireplace in the winter. When she was little I told her that if we opened up her tummy we would see that she’s stuffed with beautifully perfect white owl feathers and she now has a tattoo of an owl with her big blue eyes. Eyes that everyone comments that she got from her daddy…. First off!!! Science, people! Were you awake in the 8th grade?! She can’t have gotten her soft beautiful blue eyes from her dad, I have hazel/brownish eyes so I’M dominant! I had to throw in the blue eyed gene, not him!! Focus people, for those sky blue beauties, I get credit! ( And, also for my three brown eyed kids as even the father of the oldest had blue eyes. Hurmph!) I’m the eye queen here.
Anyway, she healed Valentines Day for me and continues to bless me with her ability to sooth my heart. Is she perfect? No. Can she be stubborn and rude. Of course. But look at her. Listen to her. She’s a wonder.
My 24th year of life was a dumpster fire. The worst year of my life. I was engaged. Dumped. Tried to unalive myself and failed at that too, went for a stay “ At the Ranch” for a month. Lost a good 75% of my friends because once you go that far, well, you might be the “ crazy” one ( we still need education about mental health!) had to spend a couple weeks in another hospital to get weaned off the medication that the ranch gave me for anxiety ( Xanax is the devil. Here’s what they don’t tell you about Xanax. Once you take it for a few days, as prescribed, three times per day, your brain stops making GABA and when your brain stops making GABA this is what happens and going off of Xanax suddenly can and does cause seizures and death.
“The most important function of GABA is in our brain. When GABA levels get too low, it's difficult for the body to relax after a stress-induced neurotransmitter release. Low GABA activity leads to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and mood disorders. GABA is a natural brain relaxant that makes us feel good.”
So, you’re fucked when you’re in between doses. The devil.
Because I was away in a safe place twice, I couldn’t work and nearly lost my house. I had to take in a roommate and she was not only a stripper but had FIVE kids and an ex husband with an anger management problem fueled by alcohol and I was in a spiral like a tornado.
Thank God, my dad booted her and helped me with my house issue.
So, as you can see, 24 put me through boot camp. It did teach me A LOT about Judging people who’d gone through some shit and mental health and friends and that if you just hold on through one horrible, shitty, no good year, the wave that once was drowning you can get you to the next year where everything goes right and your life changes for the better in ways you never thought possible.
Next time I write I’m going to tell you about someone I met when I was 24. He was an author and an incredibly kind person. No, we didn’t date or anything even close and you’ll see why. People come into our lives for a reason, or a season or for life. He came into mine for a reason. I’ve never told it here. Ever. Very few people I know have ever heard it.
Next!
My dad’s ashes sit in my home. I’ve spent most of my life not particularly interested in football but my dad, boy was he a fan. He started following the Seahawks on day one. They didn’t have a stadium and practiced in Pullman Idaho. He would take me to watch. I now realize who I was watching and how amazing that opportunity was but I didn’t care back then.
Two years ago when my dad passed the sports channels started playing old football games and I’d turn them on in between binging Shark Tank for therapy, because the noise reminded me of my dad. Last year I watched a bit with my husband but this year?! I literally watched every Monday, Thursday and Sunday and I know it’s my dad’s doing! I would get excited like, yeah! Today is Thursday! Football! I have since found myself in conversations with men about teams, players, stats, who was traded where and why and I know soooo much behind the scenes gossip that it’s ridiculous! My husband comes home from work and I’m all “ You know who I can’t stand? Patrick Mahome’s girlfriend and his brother! Listen to this shit!” Or “ Hey! Guess who got cut from the Lions today!” Or “ Oh shit! Did you hear what the coach from the dolphins said about that asshole Tom Brady?” He thinks it’s funny. I think I’m losing it.
Damn, this is long. I must go. It’s broth time… Oh! There it is!
Me
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