Turtle Shells... still typing on my phone. Lazy! I say!

Screeching to a halt

So, let’s jump right into this, ok, good....

Remember when I was contacted by a member of my mother’s bio family? Well, I’d been looking for them for years and by years I mean decades so this was quite the big deal, right? I even, on my own, found my mother’s brother ...Hello!!! Her BROTHER!! And his daughter, my cousin. I wrote to her on Facebook and was all...

 “Hey, I think you’re my cousin and your dad is my uncle. Surprise!”

She friended me on FB and said that they’d never really had much to do with my mother’s mom ( apparently, batshit crazy is a family trait amongst the women) and her dad actually hadn’t been raised by her AND he’d love to meet me and.... My mom... yay! So exciting!! He’s been thinking of her his entire life!!! We’ll be like best friends. There’s a family reunion coming OMG!! XOXO

I........ did what I do best.... I packed the situation into a box and put into a safe and pushed it over the side of a boat into the ocean.

Bye!!

I don’t know what happened. I can’t explain it. I’d been looking for so long. I was thinking that I’d have family and we’d do Thanksgivings and I’d love my cousins and wow, I have an uncle( which I did know. My mother spent her entire life marinating in hate and loathing that he’d been kept and she’d been given away.... except, surprise!! He’d been given away too....)

And when it can time to pull the trigger I froze in emotional terror.

I couldn’t pretend that my mother was something that she wasn’t AND, I didn’t want to drag out my baggage in pillowcases and empty them at their feet either. Like, Hello!!! I’m good... ya, she was my mom... uh huh... she was sexually and verbally and emotionally abusive... Right. So, pass the turkey?

I couldn’t see that unfold. I couldn’t see how that situation wouldn’t be painful for me. I couldn’t see a way that they wouldn’t be freaked out and how that would crush me and somehow, me, the victim here, would be seen as..... Less than. I have a HUGE chip on my shoulder about being seen as less than.

If I were a psychiatrist, right now is where I’d tell you that that stems from having a bio father who considered me less than worthy because I didn’t call his wife, mom. And how that lead me to skipping down a path of bad choices in men who I innately knew would never chose me because they would care for me.... Less than.... whomever or whatever or.... just in general. 

And I didn’t want to choose that again. 

Now, 

1. look who has learned to see her weakness and chose a different path!!
2. That might not have happened at all and I may have missed out on a great and loving family connection
3. It’s worth not knowing to protect my heart. 

That number three is a little heartbreaking. I can wish all day that life hadn’t kicked me so hard that I wear a shell or... I can accept that that has formed me and think of it as a bonus that I have a shell or.... I can try and live life maybe taking the shell off sometimes.....?

I don’t know. 

What do you think?

As a side note... I can’t get my paint because the store is closed. Hurmph.

Be well bears,

Me

Castle

And here we are...

Kill me

I’m so sick and I can’t go to see a doctor or an ER.

I’m just going to binge watch some documentaries until my brain shorts out.

First..... The worst kidney infection. I slept for..... hold on... 26 HOURS!! I lost an entire day. No food. No drink. Nada. 

I’ve stared an antibiotic that I’ve never taken before and my doc says if this doesn’t work... hospital to get shots of the biggest gun antibiotics. He’s trying to keep me home. I’m trying to stay home. If my fucking body would just work!

Second.... Mystery illness!!

The left side of my body from the shoulder up is sick. Like, Muscle pain, half of a sore throat, my eye is swollen, my ear hurts and is hot and my neck..... My friggin neck!!! All the lymph nodes are so swollen that I can’t turn my head!!

What is this Dr Interweb Tubes???

Forget documentaries, I’m going to binge The Masked Singer which I had never watched before but now it’s my new crack. I really can’t explain how my brain works, especially since I have not left the house in..... Five(?) weeks!!

I’m sending the husband for paint today. Yes!!! I need an outlet other than online shopping... seriously, I’m pretty set for a summer AND fall wardrobe and for some reason I’m stuck on dresses. I don’t wear dresses often but I’ve bought enough to last for the rest of my life. Cool, whispy, flowy, crunchy yet, princess-y length.... AND pretty soft rose and greys and lilac and burgundy colors... And navy blue! I never wear blue!! And shoes... Lord help me. We may never even leave the house again but I’m ready if we do!!

I still owe a post about my mother’s family and what’s come from that.

I have to go. I need a long bath.

Tracy

Quarantine.... Written on my phone. Yes!!

My husband has been home on quarantine since Wednesday. An electrician tested positive for Covid. The job site was shut down so 600 people are  now home. I CAN NOT GET THIS and live. 

 We have fixed up the boy’s room as the quarantine room and as I’ve been doing for nearly five weeks we are still simmering thieves oil on the stove, he’s taking cumin, garlic, zinc and vitamin C. 

The oldest boy calls me witchy and asked if I’ve hung a dead cat outside my door to keep the bad mojo away.  I say, it does not hurt to do something to support your immune system. What you can’t do is take something that boosts your immune system if you become sick. Overactive immune is what kills people when they are septic and with Covid as well so if you are taking an immune stimulater, do not continue if you feel any symptoms coming on. 

Turmeric or it’s active ingredient,curcumin, naturally cleanses your respiratory tract, it’s a natural anti-inflammatory, and relieves congestion... I could actually go on and on about it’s attributes but I’ll spare you. I throw some in with the thieves oil on the stove. Feel free to look up Thieves Oil and what’s in it and what it does. Can not hurt to do a little something extra and many of our current medications are derived from plants, including aspirin!  Even vinegar is well known for its disinfecting and healing qualities. Salt is as well. Yogurt for its probiotics! Mold for penicillin etc.. Not crazy. 

Anyway....Enough, witchy, for the day.

The om is having issues with her pregnancy. I had preeclampsia with her and she’s beginning to have symptoms as well but much earlier than I did. There’s talk about inducing at 37 wks if things stay the same, earlier if they go south. I was always told that as far as my body was concerned, I had to consider my pregnancy with OM as my first as she was the first with that father. So, while I didn’t have preeclampsia with the oldest boy, it’s not relevant to my pregnancy with OM and it can be hereditary. I had it with her and the youngest boy. While I loved pregnancy, it didn’t love me. So, we are hoping and praying that she keeps this baby in as long as they are both healthy.

I’ve decided to have my surgery reversed. I’ve really put my nose to the grindstone and tried to let my body heal the way it needs to in the time it needs and without the pressure of having to go see the doctor I’ve been able to sit with the decision and mull it over and really put some thought into without the added fear and emotion and, I’ve decided that I do not need to continue to be “brave” by putting myself through the stress, pain and mental baggage it’s producing.  I hope it’s the right decision. 

So next post I’ll talk to you about my mom’s bio family. Remember when they found me about a year ago? I haven’t given an update so I guess it’s time.

Have to go.

Night luv

Tracy

How My Dad Died....

My dad

My dad died from the Coronavirus. Not COPD.

I had to call for the results this week.

We left Texas on March 13th an I spoke to him that day. He was sick and had called his doctor. I posted it on my FB. He was told not to come in, he’d had no contact with any known coronavirus positive person nor anyone who’d traveled internationally. In fact, he’d been self quarantined for two days. He was told that there was nothing “they” could do. He was told there weren’t any “known cases” on his side of Washington State.

On March 16th, my birthday, he called and we spoke. I was at the oldest son’s home and were were self quarantined so we weren’t going out for my birthday ( although at one point in the afternoon I’d told my husband to get me the.fuck.out. And we’d gone to lunch. Arizona still does not have a Shelter in Place) he said that he thought maybe he was through the worst of it because for many victims there is a lull where they feel on the mend and then it comes back harder....

I spoke with my dad on Thursday and told him that we’d left late Wednesday night to head for home. He was feeling a bit sick still.... Be careful’s and take it easy’s were given...

Get home Thursday evening.

He went to his granddaughter’s birthday party Saturday.

Saturday night I got a call from his cell phone and I answered.

Tracy, this is ( stepsister), Bob is in the hospital. He couldn’t breathe. His organs are shutting down. Doesn’t look good. Blah blah blah doesn’t look good blah blah doesn’t look good.

I stopped her and said..... I don’t want to be a dick, but I need you to be more specific than doesn’t look good. My brain needs facts. 

She said... They don’t know if he will make it. It doesn’t look good.

I said.... Is he Dying? How can I speak with him? I need to speak with him. Give me a way to speak to him right now!!

She said: only my mom was allowed tonight. I’m going in the morning. Do you want me to hold up the phone to him?

My brain thinks.... Oh, he can talk tomorrow. Ok, he will talk tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t that far away. Ok. We are good. Tomorrow morning. That’s good, right? Tomorrow?

And I say: are you going early? I need to talk to him, ( her name) I have to talk to him.

She says: Yes, very early. 6:30. I’ll give him his phone to call. 

I think... Right, she has his phone! He couldn’t call me. That’s right. He doesn’t have my number memorized plus long distance..... She has his phone!

I say: Call me as soon as you get there.

And she promises that she will. She also says... I know. I’m sorry. I know. I know. Over and over and my brain says.... What does that mean? I know. I’m sorry... I know.

I go to sleep around midnight to get away from myself but I check my phone 1000 times to see if it’s on. Is the ringer on? Is it charged. Is the ringer loud? Turn on vibrate too. My watch as well.....

And 8:30 comes, 6:30 there and my stomach is in knots.... 10:30.... ok, maybe she was late.....Noon.....

Now my brain says..... must be busy. Tests... doctors.... only 10am there... he had breakfast.....

1pm comes....

And my brain says....

Please don’t call. Please don’t call. Please don’t call. You forgot to call, that’s all. You’ll remember tonight or I’ll call you. 

Please don’t call...

1:15.... Ring..... it’s not my dad’s phone this time.

It’s hers.

Don’t answer... answer.... no. Don’t. Don’t. If you don’t hear it then....

Hello?

She says

It was too fast... they called and said hurry... my mom and I went.... it was so fast... he couldn’t breathe.... organs shut down... kidneys.... liver..... it was so fast. He couldn’t breathe. They medicated him. I didn’t have time for you to talk.... I know... I’m sorry... I know....

My husband came in from the other room.... took the phone... uh huh.... ok..... 

I took the phone..... was he scared? Was he in pain???

He couldn’t breathe... drowning basically.... medicated for pain though.... couldn’t breathe....

Drowning? He was scared?

She says.... he was heavily medicated though....

I prayed with him....

I needed to talk to him though. I say to no one in particular. I was going to ask if he wanted me to pray with him. I didn’t get to talk to him

Will you want some ashes? She asks.

Yes. I whisper. 

Go to my voicemail.... play some of my two years worth of saved mails....

Bye bye. Love ya, Honey.

Today...Typed on my phone. Good luck.

Today

How’s everyone doing? Staying inside? If you’re “Essential” how are you feeling about that? 

My husband and both daughters are “essential” but my OM gets to work from home. Her position with her employer deals with an area in which she can run her department from home. YM is terrified everyday because of her contact with people and how close to DFW Airport she is. She’s practically begging to not be essential and if she wasn’t we’d have her come stay here. The husband can easily stay far enough away from employees and everyday they are taking temperatures and giving out one day wristbands. Still, he puts his clothing in a bag, takes a shower, washes clothing with gloves and a mask etc... it’s me that he’s afraid to give it two and TWICE now I’ve had symptoms but they went away ASAP so I’m going for allergies. Not death. 

And that’s how fun it is here. I had a FaceTime appt with my psychiatrist today and I think I’ll do that for every appointment. Did I wear pants? No! I was like a news anchor! Business on top, party in the bottom... or in this case, flannel pj shorts. Same thing.

Wanna hear a secret????

I belong to this Facebook group that gifts strangers. Like.... you make an Amazon wish list with whatever on it. Mine is so random! And they make lists and you check out people’s lists and anonymously buy something off their list to send to them. I just joined about a week ago and I’m gonna need a support group. I love this so much. I like to go through lists to get a picture of who they are and then choose according to how I’ve judged them as people. Seriously, you can tell a lot about a person by what they put on their wish list.... lube? Pass. Organic honey? Ok!

So.... I like to buy things that I think feel good... like... candles, flavored coffee pods, fuzzy socks, nice pillowcases, books, spices, bath bombs.... You get the idea. I scour lists for those type of things....Why I’m not getting these for me if they make ME feel good? Because it sucks out there right now and to be able to just have something that feels good delivered to a complete stranger who may be walking a thin line that day is better than me buying myself soft socks. That feels nice too. I highly recommend the anonymous gift buying thing for whomever in your life that could use a feel good item even if that’s flavored coffee pods!

Couple of q & a’s

1. what helps your anxiety? 

        Cold. If it’s cold outside, I go outside or open a door or window. If it’s not... ice. Hot tea. Hot anything, really. I like heating pads. Hot showers. Then back to cold. Music. Action movies, no lie, for a person that hates noise, action movies calm me down. Soft things. I carry a blanket like a small child. No, not out in public but I have it on the couch, I sleep with it, I take it on trips, it’s like a blanket body pillow. I like the weight and texture. If you guys repeat that I’ll kick all Y’all’s asses.

1. do you wish that you’d had more children?

     No. Nope. Not at all. That fourth child kicked my ass so hard. I don’t know if I had postpartum depression or what but my will to live was sucked plum out of me. I was a zombie. He never slept in a crib. Ever. His startle reflex was extreme. He had to be held while he slept and he had to be held while he was awake. His feet barely touched the floor for a year and when they did one time at nine months..... he walked... I’m not joking! Then he was picked back up again. He was glued to be until he was six years old and decided to play volleyball. No lie. I thought for sure that he’d lose his shit when he has to stand alone to serve but... True to form, at six years old he served over the net and became a bird.

My point... Four. Period. 

Got to go. 

 Night, Luvs

Me

March 39th

In my brain March is just marching on since April has been canceled. 

Let’s just hop on into today, shall we?

One of the reasons, let’s say, it’s in the top three reasons, that I didn’t want to continue my previous blog was in part because of who was reading it and that was, my daughter in law, her best friend and her mother.

If you’ve been around for a long time then you know that the relationship between me and my daughter in law is a bit like walking a razors edge and me hoping that I don’t do or say anything that might send her off.

Do you remember when my YT channel was turned in under the grounds that I was showing images that I didn’t have permission to show and therefore I had to go under review to see if my channel would be permanently removed from YouTube?

Well, that image was of my newborn grandson, whom my son had given me permission to announce the birth of ....

As it turned out.....My daughter in law is the person who reported my channel........because she was mad that my son has given me permission and the photos from NICU weren’t “flattering”

I’ll sit here while you try and imagine my first response to hearing that... From my son who was less than happy to deliver that news to me, as you can imagine.

On the inside my head exploded, on the outside I wanted to save my relationship with my son and grandson.

For those of you who’ve been around a long time that story might not surprise you as my entire family and my son and his wife didn’t speak for THREE years.

Someone once told me to use my blog for good, not evil, but for about a year or more I will admit that I rage griefed. Grieving the loss of my son. Coming to the conclusion that I may never speak to him again and I fired away. Scorched earth. I left NOTHING on the field. Nothing. I can’t even say that I regret it. I used it as therapy. So use it for good not evil? Well, depends on whose eyes you are looking from.

And then I stopped and never wrote about the subject again. 

Now I walk on egg shells and while we were there is was very very eggshell-y ( new word!!) she’s very touchy. The baby can’t kiss me but can suck on her sister in law’s work name tag. She took him out of the house so he wasn’t there when we got there. We had to change clothes, wash hands, liquid sanitizer ( this was before Covid became a huge thing and was something she had my dad do last year and the OM as well) but her family coming in from work is ok. We couldn’t wear shoes, her family wore work boots...

You get the idea.

I posted on my om’s pregnancy update that her son is the same age that the grand baby was born at and he barely had ears... buttons pushed. Angry crying OM... my husband furious and yelling that he’s had enough ever since she reported me to YouTube, me calling the son to say.... “Listen, I called her a superhero once and she got pissed off because I said it while she was pregnant and she thinks she’s one every day.... I can’t compliment, comment, speak or open my mouth without the risk of a blow out.” She was mad because I used a pic of my dad holding the grand baby for my dad’s obit.

That’s what it’s like to visit my son and grandson. Very very very difficult. On my birthday her best friend, who’d threatened to.... SHOOT me, came over to their house. 

To save my relationship with my son, I stayed in bed. That upset her because she made breakfast.

As you can imagine, I could not post over there for even one more second. Walking on eggshells is not a thing I’m going to do anymore. I have just plain ran out of fucks to give. When I got a pit in my stomach when I realized that the photo of my dad might make her head explode I decided that I’m fucking done giving fucks. I’m done being the only person who does give fucks. I’m gonna be a no fuck giver and the chips will fall where the chips fall...... I’m too nice. I know, you’re thinking, compared to who? To everyone. I give  give give, kid glove, so sorry to hurt you feelings, is this truth too much? My bad? I’ll give you and you and you a pass and don’t mind me, sorry your baby is being held by my currently dead father.......

Seriously. I’m way too nice. I know. I hide it well.

Q&A

1. How are you doing?

         It’s rough. I’m moving on from rage, I know, like right this minute? Because that was pretty angry.... No, that’s just how my trip to Arizona felt.... and into.... Wake me up when the hurt is gone.....Apparently I don’t handle grief that well. I’ve lost FOUR best friends... True story. It’s a dangerous job being my best friend, and a mother, grandparents.... But, not without its irony, this might be my toughest loss. Like with Cheryl, losing the person you talk to, is incredibly jarring. It feels like a betrayal almost. And, like now you’re on an island. If that person is your dad who was FINALLY your DAD, then it feels like there are very very few people who will ever love you unconditionally and a dad is suppose to be one of those people and my dad was. That’s unexplainable in the worst way.

Thank you for asking. A shockingly low number of people who claim to love me have spoken to me. That sound of silence is deafening and makes me put bricks in the wall that surrounds me. 

2) How is your anxiety now?

         This is a weird and unexpected side effect of the End Of The World As We Know It.... my anxiety is..... Better...... aside from the general fear of dying, people with anxiety spend their life waiting for the worst to happen. We spend years creating tools to help us to feel calm in every day situations that for us crank up anxiety... like the doorbell or the phone ringing... you know, life threatening events like those.... this, this chaos, this fear, this uncertainty and worry is new to some of you but it’s how I live every single day. Now, it’s here. Everything my brain has waited and prepared for and “My” brain says..... “ we got this! We like certain types of films, they calm anxiety, we like a certain temperature in the house, we have a playlist for this, we are able to listen and understand what you’re going through and we are relieved that we were made for this. Finally. It paid off. My friends who say “ I get it now” but they struggle because they don’t have any tools for this. I can suggest tools. I feel comfortable in my cozy space I’ve made and maintained for me. I’m a planner. Months in the house? Reading. I love reading. Documentaries, writing, music... Tea. I’ve got this. I’m in my element and I never in a million years would have ever expected this to feel.... like 1000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders. I’m built for this

3) have you spoken to your brother now?

      No. If there is one person in this world that I can predict his every move, it would be him and therefore, I made the executive decision to not tell him. He hasn’t spoken to my dad in years and years and said the same vile things he said to me, but more importantly, I know him and I know that he would have gone to my dad’s house and reeked havoc on my dad’s wife. He would have stolen my dad’s tools and other possessions, he would have told her that he has the right to because he’s his dad and she’s not his mother and frankly, I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy as they were grieving. Next week my stepsister and her husband are moving into the home they has built on the property so the could help my dad and his wife and my stepsister’s husband is a Detective with a law enforcement agency. I wouldn’t be as worried after they are there but at the same time, and this probably doesn’t go well with the “I’m too nice” thing but, he made his choices. They come with consequences. It’s not like the news would suddenly change his mental illness into unicorn disease.

1. How long until the new grand baby is here?        

           He’s due in June

I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m sooo tired and feel like my body has been used as a punching bag. Allergies and my brain just can’t handle grief, what can I say?

See ya by the moon?

Tracy

I’m a loser, baby... so why don’t you kill me...

Ya, throwback to the 90’s with that one!!

Ok, here we Go

So, most of us have had the embarrassing experience of sending a text to the wrong person. I’ve been known, as a coach, to send a text to the parent I’m speaking about. That’s been fun.

So you know that on a little scale, I mean, it feels humiliating, at the time but in general, you didn’t have a hot mic at a political event or news broadcast, right, some there are a few people who know, you want to die, but eventually it becomes a funny story.

When I’m confronted with an embarrassing memory or particularly humiliating memory, my first response, brought to you by the brain that likes to bury things as a protective measure, is to, literally out loud, say.... “stop” or “no” or “go away” and I stop thinking of it.... thankfully I’ve never done that in public as talking to yourself at home seams almost normal but in public can illicit a multitude of reactions.

So, on a normal day, this would be packed up into a box marked “ never think of this again” or a drawer marked “ oh, hell no”

But! Since we are all sitting, alone in our thoughts, mulling over our life choices and asking our kids to make up a list of questions that they might one day wish they knew about me... or maybe that’s just me and maybe my kids actually know more about me than they probably wish they did, I expect the questions to be limited to one or two.... I mean, in total, not per child.... 

Anyway........

Let’s talk about me and my fuck up on a grand scale and how humiliating it was, shall we??

I figured out, finally, how to live stream a podcast on my own without a producer. I hide it well but I’m really a fucking genius.... 

So. Robb, my partner in crime, and I do a  “Testing testing” podcast and it works! Yes!! We talk for a few minutes and then I close my laptop, place it on the fabric storage puffs that we use for sitting AND a coffee table... Told you, genius!! And go about my day.

Robb asks if I can pee yet and I go into length about how I’m not improving, how I dealt with it on our trip, how I’m literally becoming used to this jacked up situation, we talk about his ex-wife, his daughter. Madison calls and I put her on speaker phone. I don’t enjoy holding a phone up to my ear, I don’t know why, I just don’t.... lots of conversation, I bitch about Trump and his ridiculous declaration that four days ago he finally was convinced that this COVID isn’t like just any other flu.... FOUR days ago.... and you can imagine how that conversation went and then I start getting like alert after alert after alert ( put 20 more “ alert” here)

But I’m on the phone and not paying attention until after so many I look at my phone and see....

TRACY!!! I’M TRYING TO GET AHOLD OF YOU!!

YOU ARE STREAMING LIVE!!

I CAN HEAR YOU!

STOP TALKING!!!

And 20 more like that from a sub of mine.

And I.... freak the hell out.

I can not figure out how to delete this stream. I tell everyone to STOP talking as I proceed to go, “oh, fuck shit, I can’t turn this off. “ for like ten minutes until I realize.....

That my CLOSED laptop is still streaming. It’s not even on!!!!!!!

I push the power button but I’m prepared to put it in the oven at 500 degrees.

I put the video on private.

I get an email that reads..... You’re offline now. Good job!!

I write back....( by the way, this is someone that I’ve collabed with) 

Welcome to the EL Family on lockdown.

I did teach you how to make a no-see mask at least.

He said it was funny but I don’t think it’s funny yet.

There you go. My screw up went out to the world.... I did make some ad money! I did get thumbs up! 

There’s something I guess.......

Night luvs

Oh, I can’t paint because I can’t get paint!!

Me 

Grief A New Way!

Rage grief...

It’s a real thing. I googled grief and anger but it’s not really anger per se, it more like, I want to point my anger at someone, anyone, and eviscerate them. Just tear them to shreds and make them crumble into a pile of ruin.

Ya, that’s about right, maybe a bit nicer than I’m actually feeling....

Apparently we don’t go by the five stages of grief thing anymore, out with the old, in with the new.

What’s new? The only emotion that can really help some people with their grief is anger. It dulls the edges, it’s easier on the psyche to handle anger than it is to handle grief and some people have learned to hide sadness behind anger.

Seriously? Fuck that!!!

Anyway, it was nice of Bill to stick his head out of the sand and place it right in my crosshairs.

But for everyone else I’m having to talk that devil on my shoulder into backing off and letting the angel try and drive for a bit.

Do you want to hear something shocking????

My dad’s wife of 33 years spoke to me, friended me on Facebook, yesterday. For nearly 33 years she refused to acknowledge me. It was a very upsetting situation for my dad. She complimented my dad’s obit and asked me to keep in contact with her. 

Huh, that’s a weird one.

I have to go. 

I’m not feeling well. 

Tracy

Post coming today!!

I got a late start and fell asleep. I’m up “ early” so I’ll work on it and post it!!

Look at me posting a lot!! 

Tracy

The Trip part one

Part one

Our trip to Arizona:

We left our home at about 5pm but we stopped at a grocery store to grab water and toilet paper for the oldest son and his family as they were being cleaned out faster than where we live in Texas. I also brought along a bunch of herbal and homeopathic tinctures to put into my “ Just in case” medicine suitcase.... yes, suitcase. It’s not just medicine though, I mean mostly but also bandages, bandaids, butterfly bandages, creams, ointments and.... well, the pharmacy. 

My family actually likes that I have everything we will need in case of emergency and I like that it makes them feel safe.... Even though they tease me too.

We had a couple other stops to make and actually got on the road at around 6:30pm

This was good because our previous plan had us getting their at 2am and basically sleeping in the truck but then we’d forgotten that there’s a time difference of two hours so we’d be there at midnight. No thanks.

I’ve found the ideal way to make these long trips... 16(?)hours ( we didn’t stop for food, we made sandwiches, packed snacks and drinks) so only gas and bathroom trips which cuts a lot of time off. So leave a few hours before dark. It takes me several hours to get calm. I brought something I’d gotten off Amazon to raise my legs up a bit, which helps the back and a kick ass neck pillow that actually supports your neck. Then it gets dark and calm and that lasts for like... 10 hours. Everything is calmer in the dark. The mood, the tone of voice, the stops for gas.... easy to get back to a place of rest. I only slept two-3 hours but it was calm none the less.

The dogs were great. They love road trips.

Then getting into Arizona it starts to get light again close to Tucson which is fine because it’s still so early in the morning that people are calm. We hit the time change somewhere in El Paso(one hour back)!and then again maybe in New Mexico(?)

We got to casa grande at 8:45 which for us was 10:45 so about 16 hours-ish that in all honesty, flew by. Not one single problem. 

I’m going to keep this positive. Maybe I’ll write about the odd, rude, strange and irritating things about this visit in a few days. Let’s just say..... With the exception of loving my grandson and seeing my own baby boy, it was.... difficult.

So, we had big plans and couldn’t do a single thing. Quarantined. That probably adds to the stress and my anxiety level with the constant news of the downward spiral was pushing its limit. I wanted to be in my own home with my own food and my own things and my own comfort items. 

My sleep schedule turned on a dime and I literally went to bed every night at around 8am. Their sleep schedule is dictated by the baby, at a year old that wasn’t the case for us but... when in Rome and my body had no problem changing it up and adjusting. I was feeling the stress on my health quite a lot so it was probably good for me anyway...

The grandson is..... perfect. He is very small. The size of a three- four month old baby. His feet are the size of your average newborn and does that make it 100% more adorable when he sneaks up on you and says”Hey!” You bet your butt it does! He smells new even. He has perfect skin, hazel eyes. Loved me the mostest... And Josh too... and is pure joy. I just wanted to hug him until his perfect little head popped off.... but, I didn’t. 

My boy misses my tacos which are made the same way they were by my great great grandparents and nobody can get them to taste like mine so I made baggies filled with the ingredients that I use. Enough for two lbs of meat and they should have enough for several months.

Then I’ll make him more when he comes next fall to see the om’s baby boy. 

We left at 12pm and that is the exact opposite of the best way to drive long distances. It’s light in 7 hours, it’s impossible to stay relaxed. Traffic is hectic. Thousands of semi’s. Too many people and it took us three hours longer... wait, it took 20 hours. Twenty hours, nearly all in the daylight. I couldn’t sleep. The dogs were restless. But even then it wasn’t too bad. Much better than I expected.

I can not love the grand baby more than I do. He’s simply amazing. I’ve never known that kind of love. It’s very special and I want to go back.... next time.... in an RV!

I have to go. I have body aches, sore throat, headache and a slight fever but I’m willing to bet that it’s simply allergies. I live on the creek that surrounds the island and the trees went from bare to huge leafy green over night!! 

However, it still makes me want to curl up in bed and binge watch The Masked Singer. Karaoke for Furries!!! Why am I watching this shit???? Well, because I needed a brain cleanse after Tiger King, my Lord, what the actual fuck was that shit??? Makes one feel real good about their own life though! Crazy as shit! If you haven’t seen it on Netflix... well, I don’t know if I should tell you to watch it or save you the craziest shit you’ll ever see!!

Also... Don’t Fuck With Cats.... crazy!!! Watch that!

Night luvs and bears.

Tracy