March 39th

In my brain March is just marching on since April has been canceled. 

Let’s just hop on into today, shall we?

One of the reasons, let’s say, it’s in the top three reasons, that I didn’t want to continue my previous blog was in part because of who was reading it and that was, my daughter in law, her best friend and her mother.

If you’ve been around for a long time then you know that the relationship between me and my daughter in law is a bit like walking a razors edge and me hoping that I don’t do or say anything that might send her off.

Do you remember when my YT channel was turned in under the grounds that I was showing images that I didn’t have permission to show and therefore I had to go under review to see if my channel would be permanently removed from YouTube?

Well, that image was of my newborn grandson, whom my son had given me permission to announce the birth of ....

As it turned out.....My daughter in law is the person who reported my channel........because she was mad that my son has given me permission and the photos from NICU weren’t “flattering”

I’ll sit here while you try and imagine my first response to hearing that... From my son who was less than happy to deliver that news to me, as you can imagine.

On the inside my head exploded, on the outside I wanted to save my relationship with my son and grandson.

For those of you who’ve been around a long time that story might not surprise you as my entire family and my son and his wife didn’t speak for THREE years.

Someone once told me to use my blog for good, not evil, but for about a year or more I will admit that I rage griefed. Grieving the loss of my son. Coming to the conclusion that I may never speak to him again and I fired away. Scorched earth. I left NOTHING on the field. Nothing. I can’t even say that I regret it. I used it as therapy. So use it for good not evil? Well, depends on whose eyes you are looking from.

And then I stopped and never wrote about the subject again. 

Now I walk on egg shells and while we were there is was very very eggshell-y ( new word!!) she’s very touchy. The baby can’t kiss me but can suck on her sister in law’s work name tag. She took him out of the house so he wasn’t there when we got there. We had to change clothes, wash hands, liquid sanitizer ( this was before Covid became a huge thing and was something she had my dad do last year and the OM as well) but her family coming in from work is ok. We couldn’t wear shoes, her family wore work boots...

You get the idea.

I posted on my om’s pregnancy update that her son is the same age that the grand baby was born at and he barely had ears... buttons pushed. Angry crying OM... my husband furious and yelling that he’s had enough ever since she reported me to YouTube, me calling the son to say.... “Listen, I called her a superhero once and she got pissed off because I said it while she was pregnant and she thinks she’s one every day.... I can’t compliment, comment, speak or open my mouth without the risk of a blow out.” She was mad because I used a pic of my dad holding the grand baby for my dad’s obit.

That’s what it’s like to visit my son and grandson. Very very very difficult. On my birthday her best friend, who’d threatened to.... SHOOT me, came over to their house. 

To save my relationship with my son, I stayed in bed. That upset her because she made breakfast.

As you can imagine, I could not post over there for even one more second. Walking on eggshells is not a thing I’m going to do anymore. I have just plain ran out of fucks to give. When I got a pit in my stomach when I realized that the photo of my dad might make her head explode I decided that I’m fucking done giving fucks. I’m done being the only person who does give fucks. I’m gonna be a no fuck giver and the chips will fall where the chips fall...... I’m too nice. I know, you’re thinking, compared to who? To everyone. I give  give give, kid glove, so sorry to hurt you feelings, is this truth too much? My bad? I’ll give you and you and you a pass and don’t mind me, sorry your baby is being held by my currently dead father.......

Seriously. I’m way too nice. I know. I hide it well.

Q&A

1. How are you doing?

         It’s rough. I’m moving on from rage, I know, like right this minute? Because that was pretty angry.... No, that’s just how my trip to Arizona felt.... and into.... Wake me up when the hurt is gone.....Apparently I don’t handle grief that well. I’ve lost FOUR best friends... True story. It’s a dangerous job being my best friend, and a mother, grandparents.... But, not without its irony, this might be my toughest loss. Like with Cheryl, losing the person you talk to, is incredibly jarring. It feels like a betrayal almost. And, like now you’re on an island. If that person is your dad who was FINALLY your DAD, then it feels like there are very very few people who will ever love you unconditionally and a dad is suppose to be one of those people and my dad was. That’s unexplainable in the worst way.

Thank you for asking. A shockingly low number of people who claim to love me have spoken to me. That sound of silence is deafening and makes me put bricks in the wall that surrounds me. 

2) How is your anxiety now?

         This is a weird and unexpected side effect of the End Of The World As We Know It.... my anxiety is..... Better...... aside from the general fear of dying, people with anxiety spend their life waiting for the worst to happen. We spend years creating tools to help us to feel calm in every day situations that for us crank up anxiety... like the doorbell or the phone ringing... you know, life threatening events like those.... this, this chaos, this fear, this uncertainty and worry is new to some of you but it’s how I live every single day. Now, it’s here. Everything my brain has waited and prepared for and “My” brain says..... “ we got this! We like certain types of films, they calm anxiety, we like a certain temperature in the house, we have a playlist for this, we are able to listen and understand what you’re going through and we are relieved that we were made for this. Finally. It paid off. My friends who say “ I get it now” but they struggle because they don’t have any tools for this. I can suggest tools. I feel comfortable in my cozy space I’ve made and maintained for me. I’m a planner. Months in the house? Reading. I love reading. Documentaries, writing, music... Tea. I’ve got this. I’m in my element and I never in a million years would have ever expected this to feel.... like 1000 lbs have been lifted off my shoulders. I’m built for this

3) have you spoken to your brother now?

      No. If there is one person in this world that I can predict his every move, it would be him and therefore, I made the executive decision to not tell him. He hasn’t spoken to my dad in years and years and said the same vile things he said to me, but more importantly, I know him and I know that he would have gone to my dad’s house and reeked havoc on my dad’s wife. He would have stolen my dad’s tools and other possessions, he would have told her that he has the right to because he’s his dad and she’s not his mother and frankly, I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy as they were grieving. Next week my stepsister and her husband are moving into the home they has built on the property so the could help my dad and his wife and my stepsister’s husband is a Detective with a law enforcement agency. I wouldn’t be as worried after they are there but at the same time, and this probably doesn’t go well with the “I’m too nice” thing but, he made his choices. They come with consequences. It’s not like the news would suddenly change his mental illness into unicorn disease.

1. How long until the new grand baby is here?        

           He’s due in June

I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m sooo tired and feel like my body has been used as a punching bag. Allergies and my brain just can’t handle grief, what can I say?

See ya by the moon?

Tracy