How My Dad Died....

My dad

My dad died from the Coronavirus. Not COPD.

I had to call for the results this week.

We left Texas on March 13th an I spoke to him that day. He was sick and had called his doctor. I posted it on my FB. He was told not to come in, he’d had no contact with any known coronavirus positive person nor anyone who’d traveled internationally. In fact, he’d been self quarantined for two days. He was told that there was nothing “they” could do. He was told there weren’t any “known cases” on his side of Washington State.

On March 16th, my birthday, he called and we spoke. I was at the oldest son’s home and were were self quarantined so we weren’t going out for my birthday ( although at one point in the afternoon I’d told my husband to get me the.fuck.out. And we’d gone to lunch. Arizona still does not have a Shelter in Place) he said that he thought maybe he was through the worst of it because for many victims there is a lull where they feel on the mend and then it comes back harder....

I spoke with my dad on Thursday and told him that we’d left late Wednesday night to head for home. He was feeling a bit sick still.... Be careful’s and take it easy’s were given...

Get home Thursday evening.

He went to his granddaughter’s birthday party Saturday.

Saturday night I got a call from his cell phone and I answered.

Tracy, this is ( stepsister), Bob is in the hospital. He couldn’t breathe. His organs are shutting down. Doesn’t look good. Blah blah blah doesn’t look good blah blah doesn’t look good.

I stopped her and said..... I don’t want to be a dick, but I need you to be more specific than doesn’t look good. My brain needs facts. 

She said... They don’t know if he will make it. It doesn’t look good.

I said.... Is he Dying? How can I speak with him? I need to speak with him. Give me a way to speak to him right now!!

She said: only my mom was allowed tonight. I’m going in the morning. Do you want me to hold up the phone to him?

My brain thinks.... Oh, he can talk tomorrow. Ok, he will talk tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t that far away. Ok. We are good. Tomorrow morning. That’s good, right? Tomorrow?

And I say: are you going early? I need to talk to him, ( her name) I have to talk to him.

She says: Yes, very early. 6:30. I’ll give him his phone to call. 

I think... Right, she has his phone! He couldn’t call me. That’s right. He doesn’t have my number memorized plus long distance..... She has his phone!

I say: Call me as soon as you get there.

And she promises that she will. She also says... I know. I’m sorry. I know. I know. Over and over and my brain says.... What does that mean? I know. I’m sorry... I know.

I go to sleep around midnight to get away from myself but I check my phone 1000 times to see if it’s on. Is the ringer on? Is it charged. Is the ringer loud? Turn on vibrate too. My watch as well.....

And 8:30 comes, 6:30 there and my stomach is in knots.... 10:30.... ok, maybe she was late.....Noon.....

Now my brain says..... must be busy. Tests... doctors.... only 10am there... he had breakfast.....

1pm comes....

And my brain says....

Please don’t call. Please don’t call. Please don’t call. You forgot to call, that’s all. You’ll remember tonight or I’ll call you. 

Please don’t call...

1:15.... Ring..... it’s not my dad’s phone this time.

It’s hers.

Don’t answer... answer.... no. Don’t. Don’t. If you don’t hear it then....

Hello?

She says

It was too fast... they called and said hurry... my mom and I went.... it was so fast... he couldn’t breathe.... organs shut down... kidneys.... liver..... it was so fast. He couldn’t breathe. They medicated him. I didn’t have time for you to talk.... I know... I’m sorry... I know....

My husband came in from the other room.... took the phone... uh huh.... ok..... 

I took the phone..... was he scared? Was he in pain???

He couldn’t breathe... drowning basically.... medicated for pain though.... couldn’t breathe....

Drowning? He was scared?

She says.... he was heavily medicated though....

I prayed with him....

I needed to talk to him though. I say to no one in particular. I was going to ask if he wanted me to pray with him. I didn’t get to talk to him

Will you want some ashes? She asks.

Yes. I whisper. 

Go to my voicemail.... play some of my two years worth of saved mails....

Bye bye. Love ya, Honey.