Thursday...

So,

Hi, how are ya?

I’m grumpy. I can’t help it. 

This is going to be a little all over, which I suppose that these usually are....

I bought two gold necklaces (PS:why are Herringbone necklaces back in style? They kink. Not going down that road again) one is a delicate circle connecting to the chain on either side. It’s called a) witches moon or an b) infinity circle and then I bought one with a flat rectangular pendant with my initial. They are for layering and I love them. They are bringing me joy. Both hand made from Etsy and also two very delicate thumb rings to layer on my right thumb.

Please keep me away from the computer... although, these particular items were bought with my kid’s money from Mother’s Day. 

I’m taking a break from social media, except Instagram which I like to look through for all kinds of interesting pictures. I just can not. Can👏🏻not👏🏻 read about Covid-19, Trump and his sundowner bullshit, politics of any kind ( it’s really making me angry and I don’t like feeling angry) people who actually don’t understand what the 1st amendment means but can recite the 2nd amendment to you backwards, people who think wearing a mask is infringing on their “rights” to kill me or my micro premie grandson or my dad, people who think Costco is infringing on their rights when they are told to wear a mask but think it’s a-ok if Costco refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple ( by the way, both are the rights of a privately owned company, whether you like it or not) and people... just people.

I need a break. I can only post “You’re such a fucking donkey anus” so many times before it stops feeling like a hug and starts feeling like there are too many loudmouth crazy Aunt Karen’s in the world to explain the 1st amendment to.

My baby boy grandson recognizes me on FaceTime and we have a “thing” that we do when he sees me, runs over yelling ( he yells everything that comes out of his mouth) gamma!!!! And motorboats! I am not lying when I tell you that I never ever wanted grandkids. I’ve been parenting for over 35 years..... but it’s really the best thing I’ve ever felt. Pure Joy. Pure Love. No expectations. Just me and him meowing back and forth for five minutes like we are cats and that’s all. I don’t need him to call me by 11pm. I don’t need him to promise me anything. I don’t need him to fill some empty hole in my heart or heal old wounds. I just want him to be.

And Madison’s kids, omg. My heart. I love them like they are mine. I love being a Gigi who is loved just for ringing FaceTime and using the pig face or the unicorn or the tiger and saying stupid shit that makes them belly laugh and my Mimi says “ Gigi, you my best fwiend”

And here comes another one. I dug up pregnancy photos of me with my girls. Ah, my God. What an amazing gift we are given, women, I mean. So holy and miraculous and ancient and universal and the entire future of the world is wrapped up in our bellies. Gorgeous. I love it.

My doctor wouldn’t call in my medicine for a week. 

My least favorite profession is doctors. They are arrogant, self involved, narcissistic, know it alls who simply guess. They start at the least possible issue and then guess their way from there. In this day and age of the immense amount of information we can look up for ourselves, the published articles from leading hospitals, scientists and real geniuses... puts us in a uniquely more qualified position than a doctor who stopped learning the day he got his degree. If you care enough about your body, if you use your intelligence and intuition, if you notice when something is off and become an expert in your learning, you can spot when and where it started. That first twinge of... this is wrong, what has changed in my habits? In my medications? In my food? You can know what is wrong with your own body because it is your👏🏻own👏🏻body👏🏻 no one knows it better than you. I need a doctor to prescribe me medications and this fuck couldn’t manage that one thing. 

Robb and I have been working on a podcast for weeks. I’ve studied and studied and I just don’t care. :-) every once in awhile comes a subject that I get a weird vibe from. Aleister Crowley, called they most evil man to ever live. After three months of planning a podcast, scheduling it, canceling it, rinse and repeat I finally said “ you can have this one. My gut doesn’t like it” we never did it.

This last one HH Holmes. Nope. There are some people just born with a thing. A thing in their brain that infects those around them and even after they die, I just don’t want it. I finally gave it to Robb and he said no. So, there ya go! 

That’s two out of 800? That’s pretty good!!

Song: The Night We Met BY: Lord Huron

Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself

What the hell I'm supposed to do

Because I’m a Pisces, I’m a day dreamer. I’m the sign with the imagination. The wonder and the wander lust..... off in my brain are stories and true events that swirl around like smoke rising from a tobacco pipe on a cold winter night.... and I relive moments over and over and over until they are etched into my brain and then I dissect them and wonder.... If.... If I’d said, done.... if they’d said or done.....

I am writing a book about my life and my concept is what I would say to me at pivotal times in my life.... wishing that I could see and hear future me hold my face in my hands and wipe away a tear or hug or congratulate.

I love that this song, this line, gets that!! That someone else besides me thinks that way!

And then I can tell myself

What the hell I'm supposed to do

And then I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

This bittersweet lyric. I’d tell myself not to ride with you....

Not because he regrets it but because it grabbed him and stole him. The lines... I had all and then most of you some and now none of you...

His loss. That pain and if he could only go back in time, would he save himself that pain?

He doesn’t know....

I don't know what I'm supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you.....

That is a great something that we can hold two opinions of... Having you... not having you.... Haunted by the ghost of you, is one of the most beautiful and fundamentally painful aspects of losing a love.

It’s gorgeous, the music is haunting and makes my eyes well up. It really is wonderful.

Ok, Luvs and Bears ( The doctors probably left ) I have a deeper thought process planned for tomorrow’s blog. Buckle up. She’s going down the rabbit hole and taking you with her. Bring a snack... bottle of wine? Sweet red, please.

Night.