52.......

As those of you who have been here awhile know, turning 52 years old had me a little unnerved. It’s the age my mother died. 

In July, I will be exactly the age she was.

For some odd reason, my husband recently commented.... “ We’re almost done” it was in reference to someone famous dying and their age. You know how you keep thinking of famous people as the age they were when they were super famous and then they die and they are 75 and your brain goes.. Whoa!! What the fuck??? I’m aging too!! So, ya, I guess it was like that but it got me thinking.

I’ve been super nervous for two years about turning 52. Like, irrationally nervous. But then guess what I did for my 52nd birthday? Nothing. I was in lockdown in the oldest son’s home! Because there’s a pandemic. A fucking pandemic in 2020. It’s actually kind of funny, I mean, I can see the humor in it... Oh, you’re afraid today, wait until a lockdown is declared on your birthday!! LoL!! That’s really gonna fuck with you!!

But something else came to my mind as well when my husband made that comment...

It’s true. And, me, who has never felt old, has begun to feel nervous about dying. Like... a lot nervous... so much so that I’m questioning everything..... What have I left the world? What will people say about me? Out of all the religions in the world does it really matter which one you choose? Are they all the same destination on different paths? Or... is there nothing? And if there is nothing then what is the point? If I believed in nothing then I would have committed suicide a long time ago. I know, that was really honest. If I was an atheist then I’d have no hope of ever seeing loved ones again and therefore when they died it would feel like even more of a loss and a deep black loneliness. My mind doesn’t work like that of an atheist and I’m glad about that. Even if it’s a placebo, my life doesn’t feel purposeless like it would without faith that this isn’t it. 

The last conversation my dad and I had I told him that I was in the dark black water of depression. Weaning off a medication which chemically sets your brain up to fail, adding a new medication, like I am, can cause the same problem. Chemicals in the brain... bouncing around trying to jump start but sparking instead. 

He listened. He understands when I talk to him about the darkness and he tells me to hold on and wait it out. Cry if you need to, sleep if you need too.....

Then I said, “In three days I’ll be the age mom was when she died”

He said that that doesn’t mean anything.. look at him, for example, he’d lived passed the age his own dad was and then he stopped and said “oops, maybe not quite”

52

My dad died when I turned 52.  

Tracy