Brown and beige

Arizona

Ah, I remembered something early Saturday morning.... I can’t stand Arizona. So colorless. So bland. Such a massive lack of personality and individuality. Beige and brown for as far as the eye can see. Houses are identical, we used to have to describe our house as the first two story on the left. There was few other ways to say, light brown with lighter brown trim or darker brown than the identical home next to it but it’s barely noticeable so look for the one with the goldish gecko decoration rather than the turquoise one... ya, it’s like it’s crawling up the wall next to the brown door.

And 80 degrees here feels like hell because all the concrete and asphalt absorb the heat and turn the place into an oven. 

However, Carne Asada and Horchata do soften the blow.

Seeing the grand baby is something I’ve never experienced before. Seeing parts of you in a child that isn’t yours is life changing. You go on and on and on and on in other people’s dna long after you’re forgotten.

I’m 52 years old today and this past year has punched me in the face with the reality of my own mortality. I’m going to die. Not decades from now. Like, in the grand scheme of history, in the next few minutes. It’s grabbed me by the throat and I totally get why guys go by a red corvette because I need one so badly!!

I’m dying. So are you and you and you and maybe my body’s reluctance to enjoy a good antibiotic will contribute to my demise but maybe it’s my autoimmune disorder that is so out of its lane right now that my doctor called me in a panic. That never makes things go down easier. This trip is so dangerous for me. I’ve doubled medications and started new ones and that’s all trying to keep me from veering off a cliff, not to heal me or bring me back to normal-ish and the reality is.... this was stupid. I know because I was told so nicer terms but not much nicer.

I needed this trip though. To see my son being a father. To see my grandson look at me and for the first time ever, even though he has FIVE grandmas ( some lesbian stuff. ) say, Grandma... or... gama! Which is mutter fucking heart breaking in the very best way!! Ah!!!!! It’s the coolest. 

I have more but have to go.

Luvs to you,

Me