I have so much to tell you guys. Like everyday new stuff that I think... I should write that... but I’m so overwhelmed with the shadow of my dad’s death and lack of communication from “second family” that it’s consuming me.

I’m feeling a lot of anger. Besides sadness, my number one emotion that’s bubbling and simmering and burning me is pure rage. 

Towards whom?

I don’t know. 

Everyone. 

Strangers...

Or my fucking cousin for sending me a jerky email when I was being kind to her about her hiding her daughter’s “illegitimate pregnancy” ( her mother’s words) or the drunk driving cunt that hit the drivers side door of my car with my daughter (YM) in it or waking me up from the good ten minutes of sleep I managed to cry myself into to tell me that you have a credit card deal for me or William/Bill for having the goddamn balls to post on my close friend’s page about how much BS the the #metoo movement is.  Or the fact that not one single family member, extended, and just two people I call friends, have managed to call me or even text me about my dad dying. I guess that a Facebook emoji with praying hands has taken over for kindness and.... Empathy. And what is empathy? The most important quality in humans. In loved ones. In strangers. In family. In friends. In people who.... Love you.

So caught up in finding toilet paper that it barely registers. So busy posting about paper towels and chicken breasts to spare just one moment to say I love you, I’m thinking of you, can you sleep? Are you taking care of yourself? Hot baths, music, candles, sad songs, food... Are you remembering to eat? 

Rage. 

Pain.

Pain = Rage ?

This too will pass “They” say

And it will

Time heals all pain except it doesn’t. You just learn how to keep moving. How to smile when your heart is broken.... Then one day you will laugh and that darkness cracks a bit until a tiny sprout grows through the crack and you see the sunlight and you wish they saw it too but you know that maybe just maybe, hope against hope, that they are seeing it too.

This song because it’s good to cry too. 

Je t’aime 

Me