Let’s dive in….

 I have several topics to cover so let’s just get going!!

The daughter showed up on Christmas Day (YM) and although I’d had my dress bought and had every detail in my head… Again I changed my mind, that’s just how it works. So I wore a black oversized men’s dress shirt style shirt but it is a high low so the back sweeps down to the back of my knees. The fabric is sewed so that the back sticks out a bit like a gown, it ties at the waist, I love this shirt soooo much. Paired it with black washed J Crew jeans, platform patent leather Doc Mary Janes, white ruffled anklets, light makeup with gold shimmer eye shadow and plumb lipstick. I looked in the mirror and thought “ Hah! I think I’m going to Christmas dinner as Wednesday Adams!” When I walked out of the room everyone else was ready and every single person was dressed in all black. We totally were the Adams family! 

We left 90 minutes early for dinner so that we could walk around the Gaylord first but the traffic was CARAZY getting onto the property!!! When we finally got in the air was just buzzing and it was magical. Simply magical. We had no time to walk around so we just headed to the restaurant and I thought where we were seated last year was stunning but this year… my heart burst. On the back patio next to the river, under the massive decorations and right next to a gorgeous Christmas tree. I could not have picked a better place. So blessed. The food was gorgeous, I had the best wine I’ve ever had!! The two youngest are so much fun to be with. We just laugh and laugh. 

After we were done we walked around for a while then left to go home and open gifts. We started around 10:30!! It was so good! So intimate, cozy and beautiful.

A couple things I got: white Doc patent leather combat boots, Jo Malone perfume, Glossier You perfume, a Yellowstone shirt ( 😁) a sweatshirt from my favorite brand ( soft serve. Seriously, if you like soft soft things, this is it, hands down) candles from Anthropologie… anyway those were my top faves! Oh, the husband and I had the same idea and got each other new Apple Watches. My kids got new gaming headsets that they both screamed over! I got my daughter a Ring Doorbell system because I worry about her so much, plus a device that locks doors to make them extra secure, mace with dye and a personal alarm with flashing lights. She thought it was so funny that I was locking her up and giving her all the protection things. In all honesty, here’s where I sound like a Texan, both my girls are licensed to carry and have taken multiple courses in firearms. I never would have believed that if you’d told me that I’d encourage that. But, here we are.

36 hours later the youngest son started on the path of a really bad case of Covid 😳🤦🏼‍♀️

All other plans were immediately cancelled. Dark water starts to leak in… But, I’m rescheduling things and except for one thing that we just can’t attend because it will be closed, I think I’ve got it.

So ive got a couple more things but my tummy isn’t feeling well so I’m gonna go for now.

Happy New Years, Luvs and bears! The 🌙 

Me

Our Christmas…..

 Christmas Eve started with a whimper. It was below freezing and pipes were bursting throughout our building. These are sprinkler pipes that lead to our balconies so in the direct cold and wind. We run our dryer because the vent comes out next to the sprinkler and we figure that the warm air has to be better than below freezing wind. Anyway, when they burst the pressure is off in the pipes so the fire alarms go off until the fire department can get here, fix the pipe, which by then has flooded the apartment it belongs too and if it’s the 2nd floor then likely the shop it’s over and that means at least an hour straight of this god awful screeching noise that feels like prisoner of war tourture.

That happened ELEVEN times between Friday night/ Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon. We were TIRED. 

But! We had tickets to go see Avatar so we rallied and got bundled up then walked into the parking garage to see that when my husband had come down a few minutes earlier to start the truck to warm it up, something caused all the oil in the truck to drain out onto the ground. 

We decided to put it into the box until Tuesday. 

Dinner was going to be here on the Island Christmas Eve night anyway so no driving needed. Christmas Day the YM was coming down and she has my car so we could carry out our Christmas plans so I got our movie ticket money back, we will be renting a car this week so we can still go to the Christmas village by Hallmark, to see the movie and out to dinner again and the truck was towed to the shop. 

The anxious depressed me didn’t even show up! I’ve spent a lot of time working hard on my reactions to stress this passed 18 months and I’d say that it was tested and I passed!

I decided against a dress on Christmas Eve because we were walking to the Cheesecake Factory in arctic weather and a dress seemed a little underdressed! So, I wore cranberry colored flannel lined leggings, a cranberry t-shirt, a blue/yellow/cranberry flannel shirt ( So Soft) and my dark brown teddy bear coat. Oh, black Ugg’s and a dark brown teddy bear bucket hat. I was CUTE! 

We came home and made three dozen cookies. It was actually a great day!!

I’ll do Christmas next post!

Love, me

VACATION

 Our vacation starts Thursday and will last until the beginning of January so I’ll be mostly keeping off of the internet. I’ll try and write though to share our holiday!!!

Here’s my annual Christmas Wish For You:

That you find kindness in surprising ways.

That you always have a shoulder to lean on 

That you know that you are deeply loved

That you only shed tears of joy

That you perform an act of charity and don’t tell anyone.

That music makes you want to dance

That someone kisses you on the forehead 

And strokes your head.

That you belly laugh

That you cherish your memories 

That you make new ones too

That you see the moon when you most need a kiss

That you know that there will always be one there.

That you stop and smell lilacs. I love lilacs, do you?

That you solve many of the world’s problems during late night conversations.

And that you learn something new.

I wish you happiness, peace and joy.

Merry Christmas 

Tracylynn

Hola, Amigos!

 It is literally freezing cold here and I’m snuggled in blankets with coffee, flannel jammis and fuzzy socks! Picture me a happy as a clam!

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my new medication, that I call “ amnesia candy,” and I can say that after only a couple of weeks I am having many less therapy dreams and because I accidentally took one for the team, I forgot to take it one night and spent every sleeping moment in an emotional battle with, well, all the people. I was even blessed with new dreams so that was fun. My conclusion is that it is working and I did not fully realize just how bad it’s been.

We had the company Christmas dinner last week and as the definition of an introvert I was anxious. Shocked? But!!! I had the best time!!! The restaurant was beautiful. We had 30 people, the three partners and their spouses sat at the front but it didn’t feel like it was hard to talk to people at the other end and occasionally we even called down to the other end on the phone. I did end up have the most adorable guy across from me and we had a very similar sense of humor so we laughed a lot. 

I wore a dress with the base color being dark blue but with what looked like tiny gold champagne bubbles all over it. The sleeves were puffy on the upper arm but tight from the elbow down to the wrist.  A belt that’s intended to be for a wedding dress with white and gold crystals all along the front and it was gorgeous. I opted for black tights and black suede booties, my hair up was up in a messy bun, subtle makeup with plum lipstick and champagne colored shimmering eye shadow, enough to sparkle nicely in the lighting, a gold bead and pearl necklace and Jo Malone’s Jasmine Sambac and Marigold perfume. In short, I loved loved the look!!! 

I have three more dresses coming up to wear Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Years’s Eve. I love dressing up and feeling like pretty princess ☺️

Aside from that. I’m not sure how often I talk about it but because I’m chronically anemic, I crave ice like a drug. Seriously, it’s very important that I have ice! I can eat 25 lbs of ice in 3 days, sometimes two days! There is good ice and bad ice. Bad ice isn’t soft, is large and is clear. Good ice is pellets like Sonic or a hospital. So, to keep up with my ice chewing, like an ice beaver over here, we purchased an ice machine that makes and store up to 45 lbs. BEST PURCHASE EVER! 10/10 would recommend for us anemic ice addicted people!! Just do it. 

Loved the pics! Thank you 😊 

I’m here!

My Dudes,  I have the things to say and talk about I’m just in the middle of the rush to do all the things for Christmas and still do my channel and also life stuff…. But! I have the scoop on our work Christmas dinner and all the details. Can’t wait to share and also, we made a purchase that is changing my life and I 10/10 need to recommend! ( of course it’s probably gonna sound lame, what else?)

I will be here asap!! 

Me!

This Stuff..

 Had a doctors appointment last week, Thursday, my blood pressure is low. Haven’t really heard about that being an issue before but it has been for a few months so I get to actually drop a medication. You know you’re old when you’re excited about dropping a med! 

I have been waiting to post this because I’m a wee bit superstitious, it’s been 13 months since I’ve had a kidney infection. I did have a picc line last year but that was preventative after the infection I’d had in November. Knock on wood! I can’t take baths, swim in ANY type of body of water, pool, ocean, River, lake etc… but I do not care! 

Anyway, after that we got Covid boosters. Everyone I know has had Covid since thanksgiving. My arm looks like a donkey kicked me and I’ve been seriously whining about how shitty I feel. 

It’s been raining here every single day for a week. God I love that. Christmas tree and lights, candles burning, good coffee, blankets and Tracy is in heaven. 

I’ve never been to Nashville. I’ve been to Memphis and my impression of there was…. Ick. Walked along Beal Street and it smelled bad. We were there on the anniversary of Elvis’s death and it was a Cluster Fuck. Graceland is smaller than one thinks. It used to be on a huge amount of property but as we do here it was gobbled up by people trying to make a buck. Plus! There was a Harley Davidson convention and these were…. Well, the original Elvis fans who had no business showing off their leathery skin and trying to fit rubber boobs into bikinis. The guys… well, we saw more than a few lay their bikes down the hard way. It was interesting. I don’t feel like Texans go to Nashville for vacation. I don’t know anyone who has and I’ve taken a poll. Hope it’s a good time though. 

Have to go.

Tracy

Thank you, Bear

 I was talking to youngest son and told him that after my next birthday I’m officially considered old. That I can get discounts on stuff for being old AND told him that I’ll officially be old enough to move in to an old people community! MY GOD!

He sincerely looked confused and said “ You’re not old. Nobody thinks YOU’RE old! Look at you! You don’t even have a wrinkle on your face ( this is true. Good genes) Listen to you! Be around you for five minutes and there’s nothing old about you. Especially not your aesthetic. (Like my “ style” of dressing, music, sailor’s mouth etc..)

I have to say. He’s moved into number one favorite child, which, I mean, is also a lot easier than it was a couple of years ago, what with them dropping away like flies and all…. But still! I’m gonna take it. 

And on that up note, I’m gonna actually go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. 

Look at the moon, My Bear. That’s where we can meet.

Me

In the Meantime…..

 While I give a few days for a decision that I can conclusively feel that I’ve been told IE: No photos v photos…. Let’s talk about this stuff…

My YM will be coming the night of the 23rd, we’ll be baking Christmas cookies and going to Sugarbacon for dinner. There’s a new fudge store here and a macaron store so we’ll be stocking off from locally made companies. We’re going to see a movie on Christmas Eve, then attend a Christmas concert here on the Island by our tree and then go to the Cheesecake Factory. Christmas Day we’re doing a breakfast then heading to the Gaylord for a Circ show, ice sculptures and a late dinner. We are going to turn on the “fireplace,” turn on the Christmas lights, light candles, make cocoa from the cocoa bar I’ll be setting up for the weekend, play Bing Crosby and open presents. Day after Christmas we’re going to a Winter Festival put on by Hallmark at the Dallas Fairgrounds so you know it’s gonna be like a movie!! Then the husband has the rest of the week off until January 2nd. 

Our company dinner is on the 16th at Del Frisco’s Grill. 

I’m really feeling calm and happy. 

For transparency, I’ve been put on a new medication by my psychiatrist. I have what I call “ therapy” dreams where in I spend the night either reliving events or reliving them and trying to say or do something I wish I’d done and this all includes raging at the offending party. It’s exhausting. There’s a medication for PTSD that’s been used on combat vets and rape victims, all types of abuse victims that blocks the section of the brain from  not only replaying those events but helps to block the very memories, or certain details that should just go into the box. It’s supposed to stop those dreams from happening. I’ve already asked my husband if such and such happened over the phone, in person or through text. I could not pull the memory up. He responded “ Let’s let the box do its job”  Ya, let’s do that.

Ok, done chatting you guys up. 

See ya in the flip side!

Tracy

Ok, let’s talk….

 For everyone who does not understand this, go ahead and click the X. It’s a private kind of conversation but in public, because, that’s what I do.

For YOU. I’ve had this blog for 20 years. It has always had one purpose. I’ve put a lot into being silently watched and I get the very very tiniest in return. Pics every 6 months, no insight into your life. No vacation pics or birthday pics or just hey, it’s been a couple of weeks, here’s a pic of my view, job, car, flowers, the moon, pool, mom, restaurant etc… I’ve spent a LOT of time working up to this…

I’m not inclined to contribute to a virtually one sided story. My life being an open book, for the most part, and nearly nothing in return. I’m 54 and have been doing that since I was 18. I takes up a lot of my mind. I’m guessing that you think it would be out of the ordinary for you to post more so therefore would bring on a comment or question but, so? There’s literally nothing that leads to me. Nothing. You want to save pics for a photo album. You want to save certain memories. Whatever. I wish you less fear. It’s only pictures to anyone else in the entire world, but me. 

Please consider this for me. If you feel that you won’t do that then as badly as it would break my heart, I’ll need to go. 

Think about it.

Feel it.

Walk with me silently with photos or decide not to. 

Tracylynn

Coming….

 I’m writing a post but it’s taking me a stupid long time.

See ya soon

YAY!

 We had a great Thanksgiving! So easy, so relaxed, so nice and stress free. Everything I was hoping for.

The guys in my life rebelled against wearing the new clothes I bought them. Apparently they are, comfort under any conditions, kind of people and I couldn’t care less. That’s not even on my list of hills to die on. 

It was not sad in any way. These two kids are smart and funny and the conversations we have are a blast. We kept joking about the few seconds that the waiters would catch and what they must think. Our favorite little clip was “ I think that a boa constrictor could get out of locked bedroom door”

The Island was lit up and gorgeous. 

I have a couple of stories to tell but I’m gonna do that later. 

No pics????

See ya later

Me

THANKSGIVING

 Last year I was stuck in the black water on Thanksgiving. We slept, we cooked a turkey dinner, we watched football and I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d made it through. It was only me, my husband and the youngest boy who were here. I had a picc line in and was being flooded with harsh antibiotics. Things were rough.

This year my house is decked out in Christmas, even our bedrooms and bathroom. SO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER. Sooo many candles! My YM is coming down and we have reservations at a really lovely candlelit dinner here on the Island so our view is the green with its millions of lit trees lights and our 40 ft Christmas tree, the creek flowing by and I’ve gotten everyone something beautiful to wear. Long gowns for the ladies, just because! Our reservations aren’t until 7:15 so we’re making a brunch. It will be a brilliant night.

Much love from me!

Tracy

And then there I was…

 Every once in awhile I’m going to start writing about things that happened to me in my life that are maybe, unexpected, never heard before, slightly interesting and probably weird on occasion… 

Here is today’s memory from BACK IN THE DAY:

When I was 21 years old I somehow found myself in this rundown “ bad side of the tracks” town called Hillyard…… I really have zero memory of how this happened but I do think that I remember who I went with and that she wanted to catch some band playing that night.

I was working at the bar/restaurant and after my shift I changed out of the pink shirt and Keds into something more…. Black. Tight jeans, black shirt, sleeves rolled up, black boots, belt that wasn’t the kind used for keeping pants up but more of an accessory, it was black, buckled in the back and had a couple of chains on it. Throw on extra eyeliner and pump in more hairspray and I was good to go….

To a biker bar.

This was a few levels above my pay grade. I was nervous. I hoped that I was dressed in a way that didn’t scream “ I just turned 21! AND I’m afraid of you” I was going for more of a casual, “ ya, I’m in a biker bar, and what the fuck do you care?” Kind of thing… 

Her boyfriend was there and already had a table. I ran to the bathroom where several people, men and women, were just snorting coke off the sink, you know, your average bar experience…. They were polite though and did offer me a “bump.” Not being exactly a church mouse, I declined knowing that ONE bump leads to THREE hours of withdrawal, so thanks but I’m good. They stared at me… Waiting for my answer to change… “ I had the worst fucking allergic reaction to that shit once! Never doing that again” and they loosened back up. 

Back at the table there was a drink waiting for me. Whiskey and coke, which I loathe, but, when I’m Rome, I guess….

The room was dark and thick with smoke and LOUD as a band played. No one seemed to pay attention, I scanned the room trying to take it all in as I guess that I couldn’t see this happening again, snorting coke off the bar, weed at a couple tables, no one made direct eye contact which was good. The shitty band grinded a guitar solo and the drums wrapped up the night for the worst band I’d ever heard. 

I thought we were done and I was good to go home but this guy, big hair, more eyeliner than me, really thin build, ripped jeans, a similar belt to mine, denim shirt half way unbuttoned, a few guys looking much the same stood behind him, a soft gentle nervous voice comes over the microphone “Hey, so, a, we’re going to play for a bit. Hang on” and the girl’s boyfriend says, yells, actually, “ This is them! They’re fucking awesome, man!”

And this voice comes out of this dude, pitch perfect. He’s nervous but starts to settle in “ Wait for this shit!” Yells the boyfriend guy…

And for an hour I’m front row at a Steelheart concert. Like, four feet away. The air in the room changes, people sit down, they yell “ Fuck ya!” At the end of songs and “ Fucking A, Dude” and the room starts vibrating with magic. And we’re all making eye contact and suddenly we’re old friends with everyone and people start throwing their fists in the air and I was absolutely right…. I’d never experience that again and I’m glad I didn’t  because it made that night really special and something to tell my kids about.

Thanks for reading… now go to YouTube and find one of their songs! 

Me

OMG!

 I needed retail therapy today so we went out and went a little nuts on Christmas decorations. Keep this in mind. I have decorations in my storage, I got all new decor when we moved to Allen, then last year I got more decor and we didn’t put any up. This year I told the husband that I was gonna go balls to the wall and make our apartment magical!! I think I’ve hit the the maximum amount of magic that will fit into our apartment! That warms my heart!

The 11th was the OM’s 28th birthday. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

It is Sooo freaking cold out!!!! A HIGH of 40 tomorrow! Yes, Baby!!

We put the Christmas tree up today… Do not start with me! But we started slowly decorating a couple of days ago and we are gonna need a few more. 

We made reservations at Brios for thanksgiving. YM will be here  I want to dress nice and have some holiday cheer!

When we went to vote last week the polling station tried to tell my son, A card carrying registered voter, holding his card, that he couldn’t vote. I might have gotten a wee bit upset. They called a judge in to have her decide, I was a half a second away from losing my nut. She told them that they could not turn away a registered voter under ANY condition and he was allowed to vote, but how many people didn’t have a mom/friend/spouse educated in these things that just walked out? TEXAS, man! 

Gotta go.

Me

Voted today….

 Not that it matters a whole lot in this backward state. There were a LOT of police officers present. I was glad to see that.

My depression kicked in a couple of days ago. Out of the blue. One day fine and the next, definitely NOT fine. This is my favorite time of year. If I could control my brain then I would never run into depression in the fall and winter. I can’t stop it. I can’t prevent it. It just fucking lurks back there trying to force me into letting my oldest children ruin my joy. And along those lines, I found out today that my Lincoln is in the hospital. My om didn’t call to tell us. It was a fluke that I found out. Last week was a better week to deal with that. Today isn’t the day so, I’m the box it goes until the next better day comes.

I just feel… Incredibly Sad. No real reason. Just a fluffy black cloud embracing my heart. If I can just blow it away….

Tracy

Snakes and hail and tornadoes, oh my!

 We had a storm roll in and in NOVEMBER had a tornado whipping around. Much of the area got hammered. When I went to bed last night I hear a really really loud noise on my balcony. It sounded, seriously, like the balcony above mine fell onto mine or that mine had been ripped off! We took a quick look and everything seemed ok but when I woke up I tip toed out and my balcony is covered in black soil. The only thing we can think off is that someone’s planters got picked up by the wind and thrown into my balcony railing. Weird.

A few nights ago my doggo, Julie, was asleep next to my on the chaise part of our couch. The house was pitch black. My husband had just gone to bed and the boy was in his room when Julie starts barking her “ Fuck around and find out” bark and growling…. This is usually saved for trying to fight armadillos, but, obviously that wasn’t the issue, so I’m trying to see in the pitch dark… for one thing my eye surgery has been postponed due to a complication with my eye…. That’s neither here nor there… point is, I had been looking at my eye pad so even if I wasn’t already blind in one eye, I couldn’t see shit. So, I’m all asking her what’s up… my 20 year old man child is yelling from his room for he to “ Do something” like, what do you suggest? Whip out my ninja skills and fight off an intruder? My husband comes out and she will not stop her “imma gonna give you three seconds, bitch” stance so we turn on the light and because her hair is on red alert she looks like puffy dandelion version of a Labrador! My son, still in his room is asking if everything is good? My Dude! I’m out here crouched down with my fists up ready to start swinging and your 20 yr old self is in your ROOM?! 

He got exactly 0% of my feisty! Kids these days!

Had a doctors appt last week that went well. My doc is back from maternity leave and I’ve missed her. I wore my girliest pink dress with my Doc boots, because that’s how you do it, and she said that I’m always dressed so cute. I mean, ya, I do have to pay her but still….

There’s a rattle snake that’s taken up residence just outside our back door that we get off the elevator at to go to the parking garage. Just living his best life between two stones in a short decorative wall. I’m not a fan.

The island’s Christmas tree is being put up! Grin!!!!

We’re planning our 30th wedding anniversary trip, going to take it in the spring rather than October and I thought the husband would want a beach type thing. I even looked up Fiji… Do you even know how fucking far away Fiji is???? 24 hour flight. Nearly to New Zealand! That’s a Hellnope, from me. But, I was surprised by where he actually wants to go! It’s SO ME!! Plus he’s really excited to do something new that we’ve never done or been before that’s unlike anything we’ve ever done before and when I get to planning I’ll tell you all a bit more!! And we want to plan a drive up the Oregon coast soon-ish too. I love it there so much. What a blessed to have spent so much time there in my life. I wish I’d known the last time we’d went that we wouldn’t be back. I would have breathed in the air a little longer and listened to the cold water rush up onto the beach a little longer and took in the majesty of it all just a bit more. It always made me cry happy tears. 

I have to go.

Night luvs… PS: a fedora, I forgot to mention, I prefer darker colors and especially love wool or felt, light weight in the summer though, me and my twin bear. 

Tracylynn

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

 A couple of q&a’s real quick…

1) Some version of “ you aren’t talking about your health stuff”

Ya, I think 💭 I’ve hit a wall with sharing ALL THE THINGS!! All the time and feeling kind of, I don’t know, empty about the feedback and irritated about the blowback. I’m doing well. 

2) Some version of “How are things with your kids?”

 The same. No contact with the older two. No contact with the grandkids and as heartless as it may sound, the longer it goes and the more sure I am that the grandkids don’t even remember us, the “easier” it gets because I know that they aren’t hurting or being hurt by missing us. I’m not sure that that is the desired effect but, my heart has been around the block and is way better at protecting itself these days. Don’t get me wrong, I have my BAD days. I recently had a day where I put away all pictures and art and toys that were for the kids and asked my husband to do something with them. I don’t want to see or feel them anymore. I only want decor and art that makes me happy. I don’t have vases and knickknacks that just hold space. Everything is where it is for a reason and the kid’s stuff makes me unhappy. It wouldn’t matter if they called today. I will never ever be able to unbuild the wall. I can never ever feel trust again. I’m done being the person that takes abuse and sweeps it under the rug or puts it in the drawer. My husband agrees, my therapist has taken a lot of time to help me to understand that that’s ok. 

Now, speaking of therapy! I bought some patent leather Doc Marten combat boots that make both my child self and adult self grin from ear to ear!!! So freaking cute with dresses! Omg. I’m in love!

Plus, the Christmas gift shopping has begun. I’m a good gift giver! I listen all year long and sometimes, I know what someone wants before even they do! That’s especially true for my husband and youngest boy who, when asked what they want, will always answer “ I don’t know” ugh! Then sit back and let me do this, I got your back!

I’m going to go. I’ve been forgetting to post here. I’m really busy but I’ll try and do better!

Me

Spooky month!

 I’m thisclose to being done with my 31 days of Halloween. I mean, I can almost touch the light at the end of the tunnel. This is the month that I cram 3-31/2 months of content into one month and while it’s fun, it takes a lot of work…. I’ll explain

1) research content

2) take notes

3) write script

4) narrate…. Which seems simple enough and usually it is but there are times where my mouth and brain refuse to work together.  Just this week I could NOT get one paragraph in two separate videos that I just could not get to come out…. After I’d gotten them done I went to see how many times I’d deleted those clips, I knew it would be a lot but I didn’t expect it to be a whopping 81 times!!!!!! TWO paragraphs!!! And the thing is, it gets worse the longer it takes. I get flustered. Crazy!

5) go listen second by second to catch a duplicate

6)go into my video app and piece together all the clips. Save that video. Go back and grab that saved video so I can edit a video with one continuous voice over.

7) go sentence by sentence so I can grab photos that are informative and relevant. It’s an average of 3-4 photos per minute - 2 minutes. So, let’s say it’s a short ten minute video, that could be 40 photos. 

8) edit the amount of time per video and how it will be presented, zoomed in, zoomed out, scanned up, scanned down etc..

9) save that video 

10) upload video to YouTube. 

11) finish the edit on YouTube.

Ten minute video can equal 2-3 hours of work. 

If it’s possible with including all relevant info I’m almost a magician at knowing when I hit the ten minute mark. It isn’t always possible though.

We made our Christmas plans a couple of months ago. We’d been planning to go to the Gay-lord but I came up with a four day Christmas extravaganza!! We will be doing that instead and as part of the idea I said that I’m gonna go balls to the walls on decorating our apartment so I’ve been buying Christmas decor for many many weeks!! I’m sure I’ll talk more about it later.

I have to go. I need to edit.

Thank you, Dear Bear, for the latest photo. 

Night guys,

Tracy 

SPOOKY MONTH!

 Is it not perfect out? Yes, it’s in the upper 80’s here but even then there’s a slight chill you can feel that means it’s fall and the 100 degree temps are gone. It’s cold at night, Texas cold, so like in the 50-60’s and that makes me so frigging happy!!!

We’re going to a concert on our green Friday, hitting up the British pub first and then taking dinner to the green to have a picnic. The weather could not be better for it. Also, I’m going to wear a shirt that I haven’t worn yet because I’m nervous… It reads “ Girls just wanna have FUNdamental rights!”  Look at me, being political in public!😬🫣

My 29th wedding anniversary is coming soon and that number is shocking me. You know, as in, if I’d been born all over again, I’d be married with two children by now. Can that be possible? Plus, this is weird, in all likelihood I won’t see another 29 years on this planet. I’m super freaked out about my age now. I think I hear the clock ticking! So many things that I didn’t do…. Yet!

I’ve been making videos like a crazy person but I unexpectedly ran into a bump. My iPad Pro would not, could not, refused to…. Save videos so that I could upload them to YouTube. I did every troubleshooting move in the world, I thought. I uploaded NINE THOUSAND photos to iCloud. I use a ton of pics for videos. I deleted any App that isn’t 100% necessary and on and on…. I didn’t delete and reload IMovie though…. Ya, it was taking up 97% of my available storage. As soon as I handed that girl over to the Apple guy he was all… “ Do you do a lot with videos? Delete this after you save anything you need” I’d already gotten rid of everything so I just deleted it, reloaded it and It’s a Miracle! 

I had a video taken off my channel for violating community guidelines and I got a strike against me. POUT. I was iffy about it too! In fact I was so iffy about it that I didn’t even monetize it! It was historical photos with gruesome backstories and there was one in particular that had me questioning my life skills and decision making ability. Should have gone with my gut! I was just thinking…. It’s Halloween! It’s SUPPOSED to be creepy! No, Girl, apparently there’s limits.

My mammogram was good. I knew it would be. I don’t carry the genes for it so felt pretty good going in.

I’m on a medication that was JUST approved, like three minutes ago, it takes time to work, like everything else I take, but it’s kicking my butt! I get soooo tired! Something you may not know about me is that I fucking treasure the feeling of being tired. Previous life experiences left me praying to fall asleep to skip the withdrawals that came after a certain kind of night had been had. Also I get insomnia sometimes but since my early EARLY 20’s I have vowed to never ever take the simple act of falling asleep for granted, and I do not! This is a weekly injection and then I go DOWN! Not complaining. 

I have to go. I’m swamped with narrating and editing. My God, the editing! It’s a fun month for me though!!

Night

Me

Halloween Day 3

 Ok, first! I had a mammogram last Thursday. I have been scared to death to get one done because everyone, and I do mean, everyone, complains about how much they hurt, zero pain over here. Not uncomfortable. Not traumatizing. Four pictures and I was done. They did give me a robe that looks exactly like a Jedi robe though which forced me to say a bunch of stuff about Jedi’s and my boobs and just nervous ramblings of a 13 year old boy, basically. …I know, I’m a child…. And that’s not even the embarrassing part!

So, the lady puts this tape across my nipples ( eww! I just wrote, nipples, on my blog!) and in the center of the tape is a snap like thing, like the mail end of a snap. Like a nipple taped to a nipple. Except, I didn’t see it. I mean, I knew she placed tape but I didn’t look at it and I forgot about it. She told me that I was done, I get dressed and we leave to go to dinner…. It was only 4:30pm so I’m officially old… and then we went to this resale boutique here on the island. It’s lovely. I was looking for gaudy jewelry ( more on that later) like I wanted some large chunky pieces to wear over the fall and winter, delicate things are more spring summer, anyway, I wanted things with character, not mass produced stuff from a clothing store. I walk around and grab several pieces, I find this massive dinnerware set that is gorgeous. I mean, hand painted beautiful. I look it up online, it’s $800 and this price tag reads… $65. I look online again… $800-$875 online. I practically started shaking as I say… “ I’ll take this” as casually as possible. I talk to the woman as the wraps 32 pieces individually. ( For the record, I’ve been looking for a large set to replace the mish mash set I have now that’s been through some kids, ya know? Like it’s time to grow up a little. We pay and leave, head to Sephora and shop there ( yes, I’m telling you this for a reason) and we go home. I go to get undressed, pass our mirror and to my utter horror and humiliation I see, clearly, that something is protruding through my bra, through my cute Halloween ( Sanderson sisters) shirt and I gasp. I look as though I’m in a blizzard and freezing cold. Like my nipples could cut glass… Like I forgot to take off the tape and what on earth is happening?! So I rip off my top and bra and see the snap-like buttons…. OMG. I have been in public! I have stood three feet from people. I have been walking around my Island. 

KILL ME. Now.

I yell for my husband and I’m mortified “ Why the fuck did you not tell me?! Like that’s 1/4 of your job! Is my hair ok, lipstick on my teeth? Smudged mascara? Pants unzipped? And…. FAKE NIPPLE PATROL!!!! And he says while laughing hysterically “ I didn’t notice!”

Thanks.

The good news? I bought a necklace that really looked spendy and not at all like I should be picking it up at a resale shop no matter how nice it is. It’s a rectangular link necklace. A lot of fine detail in the links. It has a silver stamp inside the link and so I know right away that it’s not new. It doesn’t have a 925 stamp. This is a jewelers mark. We take it to see if it might be worth something and I made three grand on a three dollar purchase!!!!!!  Stick with me kids, when I’m not a complete embarrassment, I’m a freaking genius!

Robb’s first question “ What are you going to do now?” I’m a bit confused because….. What does that mean? So he says “ Will you be selling it?” Um, an antique piece of silver jewelry? For $3,000? No? I’d pay that much for a rectangle link necklace at any upscale jeweler and it’s not even out of pocket. I’ll wear it. If I hadn’t been aware of jewelers marks I’d still think it was fake jewelry that someone’s grandma gave away. He thinks that I should sell it. For what? This has history! Craftsmanship! Am I weird? Would you guys sell it? My husband says, Keep it! I mean, it was almost free for me. An heirloom!  I don’t think I’m wrong….?

Have to run!

Night luvs

Tracy

My bad

 I’m trying to take time to post but I’m doing several videos per day for October and I’ve been to a bunch of doctors appointments plus life stuff too and I will post as soon as I have time. 

However, in the meantime, I had my first mammogram done Thursday and I’ve literally been putting it off since March. All I ever hear is about how painful they are. It was a friggin breeze. Four minutes, no pain, eating a steak dinner 30 minutes later. Thank you very much. HOWEVER! Because I’m me, I have a humiliating story that goes along with this and… I just, of course. 

Be back soon to talk about it and this fanfuckingtastic great deal I got. Mama is a good shopper, Ladies!

Night

Me

Look at me!

 Two posts in two days! I’m on fire, Girl!

Yesterday I did a podcast with Robb. The intent was just to do a chatty little thing and also promote my 31 days of Halloween that’s coming up. We always go off topic so for the last two podcasts I decided that we’d have a general talking point and then just chat like we do on the phone. Just hang out with the peeps kind of thing. 

That podcast will likely never see the light of day. I can’t publish it. Why? Apparently I’ve become so accustomed to being recorded that I FORGOT we were recording and we went so far off into the weeds that it was a really deep conversation about religion. Robb is deep diving BACK into his religious beliefs and going to church three or four times per week and he’s so deep into that I recently asked when he was going to stop talking to me, because I’m not on the organized religion train and drag it every chance I get. So! He’s been curbing his viewing of things that he used to love. Horror films, demon stuff, paranormal stuff… And he’s become SUPER superstitious to the point of it impairing his life. We took a turn off the path into that on the podcast. Me criticizing “The Church” and him saying that he doesn’t know if he can participate on my channel anymore, my reaction to his religion causing him to be living in FEAR and how that’s one of my biggest pet peeves of organized religion. I was terrified as a child that I’d forget to pray and ask forgiveness for a sin and be sent to hell. I was terrified to look at anything and wish that I could have one because envy is a sin. Of course there was all the fears of THE END TIMES being drilled into me and being petrified that I’d forget to pray and be “Left behind” to be tortured. 

The podcast did sound like our actual phone conversations, that’s for sure, because in, at least my brain, I’d forgotten that we were recording and therefore did not censor myself even a little bit.

Two rules of having a YouTube channel, don’t talk about politics or religion, unless that’s what your channel is about. 

Now I’m supposed to do one tonight as a re-do and I’m just not in the mood. That last one took a left so hard that I’m irritated with Robb and his new judgmental religious ways. 

I didn’t sign up for fundamentalist Robb. 

This is definitely something I’ll get tired of real quick.

Me

CREEPY COINCIDENCE!

 So, I watched the Netflix Docuseries on Lori Vallow Daybell ( for those who haven’t watched it, you won’t know what I’m talking about but you’ll catch up) and imagine my shock when the police car drives into her Chandler, Arizona neighborhood and my mental muscle memory drove me straight to the house that WE lived in about four/ five houses past hers. Like I was all, yup, know those mailboxes, learned my lesson about walking barefoot in Arizona on that sidewalk, my daughter attended the grade school across the street which Lori’s son went to, trick or treated at Lori’s house…. WAIT, WHAT?! Ya! Now obviously this was a good 20(?) years earlier but what a fucking trip, Dude! How weird! 

If you don’t know who she is, just Google, I’m too lazy to get all up in there, but she’s a crazy child murdering religious nut job!

Here’s a secret about me…. I know, there actually are still many left, hard to imagine! Anyway, I get tired of people. Like, tired of knowing them. Bored with them. Little things start to feel like big things that annoy the shit out of me. Personality traits begin to wear on my nerves. I notice tiny little changes in their stories. Teeny little lies. I fucking hate being lied to. I ALWAYS know you’ve lied. 99.9% of the time I don’t mention it I just note it in my head and I remember every single one. It drives me nuts that I have this particular “ quirk” it makes it extremely hard for me to keep people in my life. It makes me snarky, also so hard to imagine, it makes me distrust people. I’ve always told my husband that it’s WAY better to tell me the truth than for me to know he’s lied which will make me resentful and that will build up. I can handle the truth! I can deal with the truth. There’s a jumping off point for working through the truth. I’m not a weak and fragile thing. Do not lie thinking that it’s for me own good. Never think that it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission. Loathe that mentality. But, like I said, I also just tend to get bored with people easily. Is that normal?

Why am I writing this…. I’m going through this cycle with a friend right now and I know that eventually I’ll just ghost them. Click. You’re done. Is it better to address the issue then just walk away? I mean, you can’t address personality traits that bug you because, get over yourself, but can you just ramble off a list of a hundred tiny little lies? That seems degrading. Is it better to just not give them a hit to their ego and just walk away silently? Or is that in itself shitty? You tell me. Maybe I’m just not a “ Tribe” type of person. Maybe gatherers gathered because they liked the feeling of community. Maybe hunters hunted because they liked the solitude? I’m not a gatherer type person. Am I the drama? I’m not the drama.

 I’m the drama.

Besides my bio father dying, which gave me an existential crisis, our staycation was so good for my mind and body. We had no clear schedule , no set agenda and zero pressure to conform to time restraints and I thrive like that! Spontaneous is my groove. It actually didn’t even fly by. It was a nice leisurely week. We saw great art and even on my island there are two galleries. One is really weird and I’m guessing more for people to get Instagram type of photos. I did not love it. We tried two new restaurants on the island and they were lovely and a new macarons store! We went to two historical museums that are old homesteads that have been preserved and, as you know, history is my jam! I loved it! We moved the furniture around in our living room so that I can see out the 9 ft windows and door AND also the side windows and it’s so beautiful. I’ve not closed the blinds since. So calming. Wish we’d done this three years ago! However we’re signing a new lease for 13 months so I figured that now was as good a time as any! I’m happy.

Have to run!

Good morning, Luvs!

Me

Posting

 A post will be up later today. It wouldn’t load for some reason. See you guys soon!

Wild

 This song has parked itself in my brain this week. Thought I’d share it with lyrics…Click the link below

WILDEST DREAMS

I thought about this title…

 I was going to make a joke about another dead father but realized that my coping mechanism being sarcasm is not always the most healthy way to address things and I really am trying to be a bit kinder to myself in respect to emotions and trying not to shrug them off as embarrassing and weak and stupid. The voice inside one’s head can lean towards cruel if allowed to run rampant. 

While this will very likely sound like a whine, it’s definitely not. On the surface this is a sad story about a child, girl, woman, done wrong by her “Daddy” but it’s not. It’s an insight. A factual telling of events. It’s how I was given very little to thrive with yet still didn’t turn into a bitter person, an angry criminal, a fucked up drug addict, and all the other shit that people who are those things tend to use their childhood as the reason for. 

Nobody has had a perfect childhood, Lord knows, and ya, it can tint your view of the world and even drive the most self harming decisions you could make…. But it doesn’t have to tear you down, ruin you, give you the EXCUSE to be a shitty person. For some of us deserted three years olds, we become problem solvers, we can become artists, we can use those dark corners to entertain people on the internet tubes, we can EMPATHIZE, we understand pain even if it’s unlike our own. We can be brave, resilient, strong willed, hyper competitive, loyal to a fault, protective, love fully and immensely and be the guy you want in your trench. 

I’m learning to change my view of events and to work on being grateful for everything that makes me me. Including, really fucking quirky and sassy and funny and accepting. 

Cheers to the man who started it all! May he pay every karmic cent due and become a kinder soul for it. 

My biological father died in his sleep.

He was not the father I deserved. He was not a Daddy. He was the man that I watched walk out of my house when I was three years old. He took with him his bowling bag, light olive green. Before he left he hit my mother who cowered in the bedroom beside the bed. I found her there after he’d gone. As he left I was sitting on our couch with my babysitter. I suppose the original plan had been for my parents to go bowling, given that there were bowling bags and a babysitter. He didn’t look at me although I watched him walk down the stairs. Confused by the sounds I’d heard coming from the bedroom, confused about my babysitter being there if they weren’t leaving together. Bright eyed. Big brown eyes watching that man walk away. I really had no clue what had just changed, how everything I knew up until the ripe old age of 3 was gone. How that decision he made would forever cast a shadow on my mental health. My feelings of self worth. My exceptionally heart wrenching choices looking to be chosen. To be loved. To be seen. To know what it felt like to be protected and safe. To stop the constant conversation in my head about not being worthy of love. If the ONE man in your life who is supposed to cherish you doesn’t. Can’t. Won’t. Then who else would? I went out of my way to find people who would validate that. To find people that could not, would not make me feel loved at the time. That’s just a fact. I’ve written about it before. 

He turned me away several times throughout my life. The times throughout Jr High when I’d see him and try and get him to acknowledge me. His stepson went to school with me. He’d turn his head and walk away. He told my dad that he’d pay him to adopt me. He met me after I spent some time at “ The Ranch” and in my mental state he told me that having me( and my brother) was his biggest regret. Even just several years ago when my sister in law (married to my half brother. Her and I have a relationship) asked him to make amends. He refused and forbid her from speaking to me. She’s not that kind of women, she doesn’t take orders and told him that she would do whatever she wanted. 

I had two parents that didn’t love me and didn’t mind telling me so. How ironic that my dad, who has no biological connection to me ended up being the parent I needed. So thankful for that.

What I feel is fucking anger. I feel pissed that he died in his sleep peacefully without me standing there telling him what he’d done to me. I’m pissed that he couldn’t, until even his last breath, ask for forgiveness, express regret. But that’s because he didn’t feel those things. 

I feel blessed that for every ounce of love and compassion and empathy that that man lacked, I hold inside of me in excess. Maybe if I’d been exposed to him my whole life I’d have had those things sucked out of me or learned to be a piece of shit child abuser like he was. My half brother and step brother were abused by him. Imagine having to be raised by my mother AND an abusive father. Good Lord! No Bueno!

I feel bad that he lived his life so selfishly. He could not have been a happy person. He would not have been the type of person that appreciated my quirkiness or my humor or my love of all things True Crime. He was just a guy who made enemies. He’s not having a funeral. No one is giving him one. His children grieve over the father they never had. The what could have beens. My sister in law is across the country from my half brother and she says he’s doing fine so she didn’t fly home. 

Out of the crack of a sidewalk a tree can grow. I grew. I’m proud of that.

Me

I’m writing!

 The amount of profound emotions and insights into my self, my brother as well, the single biggest event that shaped me for most of my life ( Thankfully the last two years have done more for me growing and understanding and feeling have done more for me than any therapist possible could…. And me, being a two semester Psychiatrist should know! ) and just how deeply words can cut and ironically, no words at all can hurt just as deeply, buckle up buttercup, we’re goin on a ride.

Be back soon!

Tracy

I have a post coming.

 My biological father died last night and I’m trying to get my thoughts into some kind of order.

Tracy

Oh Baby!

My husband is taking vacation time but we are gonna hang around here to do tourist things we’ve never done in Dallas! We’re hitting up museums, can not wait to see the Perot museum which we have driven by 1000 times going to volleyball tournaments. They have a fantastic paleontology section and if you know me, you know that I love that kind of thing, big history buff. A stone, gem and crystal section which I also love, all about space which the husband and 20 year old baby boy love. We’re hitting up art museums and historical museums and trying out new restaurants, which is, in all honesty, the best part of any vacation!  There’s a few new restaurants here on my Island too! I’m getting my fall/winter wardrobe together and bought a cropped jean jacket today that I’m in love with! The youngest will be being dragged out of the house which he will loathe until he gets there and we’re just going to have a great time. 

I might have pics. We’ll see. 

Have to run! Gonna watch a documentary about Armie Hammer who is a fucking freaky deak. 

Love,

Me

Just a few things…ignore spelling. I’m lazy.

 1) had a doctors appointment yesterday, looked adorable with a very light gray/purple blouse with short fluttery sleeves, jeans with a cuff, white Keds and a gold headband that looks like a crown, Ya’ll. My hair is soooo long now that the best way to wear it in the heat is a messy bun and be sassy.

2) I saw a new, lovely, doc in the office, nearly all the docs except my primary are from Africa, mostly Ghana, and they are a joy. Always smiling, always kind, always nervous about my anxiety….😬 This new doc was scrolling through my chart when she mentions anxiety and also anxiety about doctors visits. She asks why and I simply say… “ I struggled for years with chronic antibiotic resistant kidney infections and EVERY SINGLE doctors visit was some form of dehumanizing humiliation”😨 So she says that dehumanizing is an extreme Description and would I mind giving her an example so I start to explain what my “ exams” were( just to warm up, it gets much much worse) and because I’m me, I start to cry, perfect 🥴 Then she stops me and says “ My Darling, I sincerely believe that we’ve gone far enough. I understand somewhat of what you went through and that’s all I need to hear, child” (she’s younger than me by far) And then I hate myself for feeling weak. She stands up to look in my ears and proceeds to tell me that my eardrums are quite lovely, pearly white, perfection…. I say “ Thanks, I’m an over achiever”

3) We went to dinner at a place we’ve been a thousand times. Not THAT one but there are several. I’ve never even one time THOUGHT about the name before, in like 12 years if living here, just, head right into the sand, kind of thing, and suddenly as we are delivered the best God damned rolls you’ll ever get your mitts on, I look past the waiter and I see on the wall…… 

SOUTHERN PRIDE.

There’s a black man seated just behind us and I wonder if he’s had his head in the sand when he’s read the name of the place “ The Cotton Patch.” Or if today I’m just extra sensitive for some reason so I lean over to my husband and ask him “ My Dude, is it just me or does the name of this place and that big ass Southern Pride sign seem maybe a bit racist?”  He slowly turns his head to read the sign and says “ Omg. How did I miss this?”

 Besides that conversation I read a headline in the news and said out loud to myself “ Oh my God! Sweet Baby Jesus!” My husband gave a look that usually means “You don’t have to say everything you think out loud” So I known that I done fucked up with all that Lord’s name in vein stuff so I decided that I can pull this out of the ditch so I follow that up with “ What?! Someone want to criticize how I worship our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?!” I do not believe that my husband agreed with my, pulling it out of the ditch, assessment. Whatever.

Then we went to get the baby child his birthday gift…

And speaking of!

My son will be 20 on Thursday. TWENTY! The last two years have wreaked havoc on him. He went from loving the spotlight to being deathly afraid to leave the house. I’m not exaggerating. I haven’t really spoken about it because it’s been difficult. In 2020 he was so distressed by the sudden change that he felt like he should unalive himself. He couldn’t touch any surface. He scrubbed his hands bloody. He was broken and my dad had died from Covid so that Solidified the deal in his head. He’s been in therapy and is taking some meds. He’s not better or even what would be close but he will go diving and he can leave the house and we will be going out to dinner for his birthday and I am proud of him for being so fucking strong by doing things that his own brain is railing against. 

Must be going. Love the pics. Love the Jeep, I want one myself! Not surprised it’s red, he thinks you’re the shit. 

Me

All day…

 All day long I’ve had this song on my mind but only the tune, I could not bring up the lyrics… something something California Gold…. It’s been driving me nuts.

I get on YouTube tonight and there it is, a video recommended to me. THE song in my head.

Guys, the government listens to your thoughts… Or something random, who knows. So I’m gonna share it, from me to you :

THE CRACKER BOX HOUSE

Every once in awhile I get onto Zillow and look at my cracker box house in Spokane. I check to see that she’s all good. I think about her and I turn the camera around to check on Doug’s house for him. They don’t take care of his precious lawn like he did, no one would really, I don’t think many people get on their hands and knees with scissors to perfect the look. But it’s also dying in spots and that would have thrown him into a fit. God, that man loved his lawn 😆

My cracker box recently sold for nearly $250,000 which is fucking crazy! I told my husband and his response was “ The garage though! It’s huge” I guess that means something. They marketed the garage as two car plus a shop. I suppose that could be right but we always used it as four car garage for me and roommates. 

I see the chain link fence and remember the story surrounding that debacle. 

We had the oldest boy but also a baby girl. We wanted a fence so she could grow up and play in the yard without running into the road. Doug was thrilled by the idea too because he and his girlfriend had a baby boy at the same time that we had OM and our families were bestest friends. We could hang out in my yard under the giant tree canopy of shade and watch our kids grown and play.

A woman had bought the house next to mine. We told her that we were going to install a fence and she lost her shit. She thought we’d nip a few inches off her property or something so since our neighbor four houses down had recently had a survey done, and we knew our plot size, we looked up the rest of the sizes then we pulled off of his survey line to eventually land on our property line, we gave her three inches to calm her down. She didn’t calm down. My husband and my mom’s husband put that fence in themselves. She got pissed and long story short, sold the house and moved. Take note, fences don’t make good neighbors but they can make bad ones disappear.

I look at the basement windows. They didn’t used to be there. We installed them because there were only two tiny cat sized windows down there and it scared me that if there was a fire it was inescapable if you couldn’t get to the stairs. My husband and mom’s husband ( For the record, he was her third husband, I was like 20 when they got married and he was in no way my “ stepfather”) used diamond saw blades to cut the concrete. The whole inside of the house looked like it had snowed concrete ash everywhere. I felt safe. 

I look at the stoop in the front of the house. The hours upon hours I sat there from single mom to married mom of three. The record hot summer I was lucky enough to be pregnant through, no AC, so I sat there holding a hose over my head. Me, Doug and Cheryl solving the worlds problems and complaining about unrequited love. The roommates and I playing music on a boom box and dancing, watching a football or frisbee being tossed in the street. Late night drunken conversations about everything on a cool summer night. Watching small children play in a playhouse and sliding down a little slide, picnics. The wrought iron stair railing that still, to this day, is missing one piece!!! The little boy next door, when I first moved in, got his head caught between the railings and couldn’t get back out, those damn ears! 😂 we had to remove the railing!!

I think of how none of the five owners since we sold the place knows any of these things. They don’t know about the hours of darts played in that house, the five pound box of cookies eating by five stoned people playing hearts and spades. 

They don’t know about the baby girl who cut her upper lip in half, clean through, in that tiny back bedroom on her dresser. 

They don’t know about miscarriages and suicide attempts. 

They don’t know about the bottom of the stairs being the place where all my friends would gather to chat. It was THE place we were drawn to. Strange choice.

 They don’t know that my mom died while I lived there or that the house across the street was attached to the cracker box by love and deep friendship and a porch swing that Doug sat on with me just to get through the the day that the bear got married. Me and Doug swinging on the swing until the sun came up the next day. The porch swing where I’d see him just sitting so I’d haul it over to bless him with my company “ Hey, Trace!” 

The stories a house could tell. Joy, warmth, laughter, sadness, pain, eagerness, things best left untold lest they cause embarrassment ☺️ But those are some of the best stories too. Birth, death, falling in love, family whether it’s blood, marriage or chosen friends. 

That cracker box house. I loved it there.

Pictures?

Me

Sunday

 I’ve decided against doing a part three. I’ve already written about my own choice. I’ve already railed about men never being stigmatized by unwanted pregnancies. I’ve already beat that horse and I’m tired. 

I’ve made reservations for Christmas. Ya, you read that right. For two places, actually. That gives us time to decide which we choose for certain. This year we will be gone over Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve. I want to be immersed in holiday spirit and not let the oldest two offspring ruin another Christmas for me.  I’ve warned the husband that balls *will* be to the wall as far as decorations go. He’s good with that. 

We’ve been considering moving. I get restless being in one spot for long. I’ve been speaking with a realtor for months. The problem is, I don’t like anyplace as Much as I love this place! It’s so perfect!!! Besides, rent is spendy here but it’s spendy everywhere right now so that’s not really a condition that we’re looking at and the area is lovely. I just need change every so often. 

So I’ve got a post to write soon. It’s a nice one. Ive been thinking it over for a bit and I think I’ll write it.

Oh! Oh!! I can not believe that I have forgotten to write about this!!!!

I had a zoom call with an actress best known by people my younger three children’s age group. She wrote a book, which was *one* of the reasons why I haven’t been able to say anything about my book and doc that I’ve been working on. Anyway, we spoke about abuse of a certain type by one’s mother. Female caregivers. I got to interview her for my doc and I was so so nervous! We laughed we cried and I feel honored to get the opportunity to speak with her.

Have to go. So boring not getting pictures. 

Me.

Part 2

 I’ve been a mother for nearly 38 years. In the last six months or so I’ve come to understand something that I denied, lied about, wouldn’t let myself consider and hid under the guise of “Just being a mom” “ Being a good mom” “Being the person that society demanded from a mother” 

I’ve spent a lot of time, energy and money on therapy. I’ve said the same thing over and over to myself, my child, my other children, my husband, my friends, to strangers, to therapists, to family and friends. 

What was that lie that ultimately protected my heart, soul and brain? That I said to my son, making myself believe it with every word and every time it came from my mouth?

“ I never regret having you when I did.”

“I’d never do things differently”

“ You were a blessing”

After all that was spent on therapy to never have a therapist ask “ Really?” To never allow the thought to even step into my mind “ Really?”

It was something that freaking Ashley Judd said in an interview after her mom died that allowed me to confront reality. She said that at the age of (17-18?) her mother was forced by her family and society to be a mother. That choice she wasn’t given propelled her into poverty, a lack of further education, job situations she’d never have been in, relationship problems, isolation, depression, abuse, heartache, judgment, low self esteem, self hatred, accepting less, the feeling of being unworthy, the loss of love.

It was those words “ Forced by her parents and society to be a mother” that was allowed into my thoughts to sit and be heard. To allow me to see, for the first time in my life, that I’d been forced into being a mother and that I too had my nice little mid-class life Disintegrate before my eyes. At the age of 16 I was no longer the most important person in my life, I stopped getting gifts I stopped being anyone’s child, being *A* child, like I was meant to be, built to be, emotionally and physically. Gone were the days where my good grades and sports trophies reflected the child I was. I was no longer bright and intelligent, I was PREGNANT. I was no longer the fastest girl in my school, I was unable to participate in sports because I didn’t represent the school’s values. 

Forcing a child to become a parent, mentally, physically and statistically is most likely going to ruin their lives.

1) More than half of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager. In fact, two-thirds of families begun by a young, unmarried mother are poor.

2) Parenthood is the leading reason that teen girls drop out of school. More than 50% of teen mothers never graduate from high school.

3) Less than 2% of teen moms earn a college degree by age 30

4) 8 out of 10 teen dads don’t marry the mother of their child.

5) Of the girls having a teenage mother, 39.4 % had a teenage pregnancy. This is significantly higher than the 13.1 % teenage pregnancy rates among those whose mother bore her first child after age 19

Where in this scenario is protecting the children?

Why do certain people in a country get to decide that a young girl will likely, statistically be forced into a life she’s not mentally only old enough to do capably but also no physically ready to go through? 

In 2017–2018, infants of teenagers aged 15–19 had the highest rate of mortality (8.77 deaths per 1,000 live births) compared with infants of women aged 20 and over.

I had third degree tears, a tear through the muscle from your vagina to your butt. 

A broken tailbone 

My spine compressed causing me to lose an INCH in height.

My body wasn’t prepared for pregnancy. 

Now imagine the 10, 12,13+ year olds who will be forced into motherhood AND what their bodies will go through! 

Why can someone’s religious or political beliefs be allowed to override the health of the child with fetal cells in them? Or the LIFE  of the child who has fetal cells in them?

My dad was sympathetic. He felt that I had the right to choose. Based on my mother’s religious beliefs and her life experience of being adopted she was against either choice and to be honest with you, I believe that through her abuse of my body, she wanted me to get pregnant as she’d had several miscarriages and in her mentally delusional mind, I believe she thought that baby would be hers. Over my dead body, but she didn’t see me as being able to stand up to her. 

Would I choose, today if I could do it over, to have a baby at 16? My final and finally honest answer is…. No.

And nobody, NOBODY, should have the right to make that choice for a female, no matter the age.

Good night, luvs,

Next might be part three

Tracy

This Has Taken A Minute..

 Roe V Wade Part 1

I’ve kept trying to put my thoughts together on this and my brain refuses to put the work in. It’s insisting that this is a “ Put in the box” issue but my heart says that it’s not so, I don’t know, get ready for some rambling thoughts…literally, don’t get caught up on grammar and spelling and stuff. This is stream of consciousness writing today.

I’ll be here for a week if I deep dive into every nook and cranny of this issue. It’s huge. It includes:

Rape

Molestation 

Young girls

Dead fetuses 

Incompatibility with life

Health of mother ( which alone is sub context after sub context for a month)

Poverty

Abuse 

Deadbeat fathers

Pressure to not have baby

Fear

Family pressure

No support

Guilt

And just plain timing

Plus many more.

I have knowledge and experience in regards to a few of these issues. I’m not an expert. I can only speak for me. 

Quickly: life or death choice

When I was pregnant with OM, I had pre-eclampsia that was spiraling quickly. I’d been admitted to the hospital to get on top of it but it kept getting worse until I needed to be induced.

I was sick. SICK. My blood pressure was in stroke range so I was given the devils medicine, Mag Sulfate:

Magnesium sulfate, or mag for short, is used in pregnancy to prevent seizures due to worsening preeclampsia, to slow or stop preterm labor, and to prevent injuries to a preterm baby's brain. Magnesium sulfate is given as an intravenous infusion or intramuscular injection in the hospital over 12 to 48 hours.

which literally feels like you’re burning from the inside. It wasn’t working. My brain was on fire from the high blood pressure and the meds. I couldn’t think like a fully functional adult. I was throwing up. I was in so much pain. My labor was induced which adds on the added stress of strong contractions and my body was failing me. I was shaking uncontrollably and begging for help from anyone within shouting distance.

A priest was called in ( Catholic hospital) to pray for me/give me last rights. He held my hand as I struggled to remain still. My body wanting to thrash around or get up and run away. The nurse stood at the end of my bed with my husband and I could just barely hear their conversation over the beeping alarms as she told him that he would likely be asked to make a devastating choice… His wife or his daughter. Who should he save. 

I demanded that *I* make the choice! I’m the patient. It’s MY body with the baby inside of it. I choose the baby! 

My husband said “ My wife” It was like I wasn’t in the room. I made the choice only to be overruled by my spouse?! But, logically, rather than emotionally, he was absolutely right. He later said, “I chose you first. We can make another baby. I can’t make you”

The priest came in close and asked if he might begin praying with me. Normally, under normal circumstances this wouldn’t bother me and in fact I’ve allowed it before when hospitalized and a visiting clergy pops in to talk but this was different. This was *IT* this felt like if I agreed to it then I’d lost the fight. I’m way too competitive to give up on anything, let alone that fast. I wasn’t about to lose that fight until I’d literally fought to the death. They hadn’t even seen me start yet! I told him to leave. The head nurse suggested an epidural because they are well known for bringing blood pressure down to dangerous levels so get on it. I yelled… Hurry!!!! My husband yelled less kindly. Nurses were running… My head, My God, my head was being crushed. I asked for ice packs to help cool my body down. I thought that if I could get one of the nasty symptoms to improve that I could then deal with the others better. Just give me one less trauma to handle and I got this. One less violent pain. Head, burning, contractions…. Get rid of whichever we could. They gave me pain meds. That didn’t work. Ice packs, a little relief, the epidural…. My head was cured. No pain. Perfect, that makes it %100 easier to deal with! Contractions eased…. Two down! Blood pressure decreased just enough to bring relief… I begged them to decrease the magnesium by just a bit since my blood pressure was just a bit better. They called the doc and she said we could try but it would be right back up if things changed… That would give me my fighting chance and I passed out. Thank God. I was so determined to get that baby out that I pushed three times ( she was 6lbs so that helped too!) I was still very ill and had to have an increased dose of Mag again but I didn’t care. My room was kept black. No phones allowed. No tv. No getting out of bed even to pee. But I didn’t quit. 

Today if that happened there would be no choice given. Only the fetus matters. That’s what my husband would have been confronted with. If I stroked out, oh well, too bad. Only the fetus matters. If I died, that’s the price you pay for getting pregnant in this country.

Highlights. The most recent U.S. maternal mortality ratio, or rate, of 17.4 per 100,000 pregnancies represented approximately 660 maternal deaths in 2018. This ranks last overall among industrialized countries.

Which is already rolling the dice in a country that ranks last among industrialized nations.  And that’s if you’re white! If your black the outlook is even worse:

In 2020, the maternal mortality rate for non-Hispanic Black women was 55.3 deaths per 100,000 live births, 2.9 times the rate for non-Hispanic White women (19.1) (Figure 1 and Table). Rates for non-Hispanic Black women were significantly higher than rates for non-Hispanic White and Hispanic women. The increases from 2019 to 2020 for non-Hispanic Black and Hispanic women were significant. The observed increase from 2019 to 2020 for non-Hispanic White women was not significant.

Now add on the deaths of mothers who can’t have a procedure to save their lives.

How can we, as the supposed “leaders of the free world” be so backwards on women’s health. The utter disregard for the lives of women and, God forbid, raped pregnated 10, 12, 13 + year old CHILDREN! When do these “Christians” think that it’s time to stop protecting children? Babies? Well, the fucking second they’re born, that’s when. Do we provide paid leave for parents and baby to get the best start? Do we provide free medical for children? Do we do anything to improve schooling? Poverty? Fund childcare centers? Fuck no we don’t. We don’t do even one thing post birth that EVER SINGLE OTHER INDUSTRIALIZED COUNTRY DOES! Not even ONE. 

So fuck you on your bullshit lies about “It’s for the babies” Ya, what about the siblings who lose their mother because she paid the American price for getting pregnant in this throwback to burning witches age that we’re going balls to the walls to get back to? Fuck them? When are these “Good ole days” these people want? Pick a decade that was “good.” Each and everyone has its drawbacks and for God’s sake, what kind of world leadership strives to take steps backwards rather that improve the future?

How can they sleep at night? I mean that. How? I can’t wrap my brain around it. I can’t say “ I do see where they’re coming from but I disagree” I can’t see where they are coming from. I just don’t understand this.

Part 2 when I can go through this emotional rollercoaster again.

Tracy 

Here’s the thing….

 People in the south are not friendly like they think they are. In fact, there’s the special breed that literally laughs at you… To your face. Those are my favorite. This can happen when you call that thing you push around with your groceries, a cart. In Texas those are called buggies. Or if you call that fizzy drink in a red can a Coke, they say, soda. Or, today I ordered fries and asked for Tartar sauce and the kid says “Tartar sauce? ( insert laughing)” and I looked him the face, dead serious and replied “ Ya. Tartar Sauce” and he was still giggling. I looked at my husband and asked “ Did I have a stroke? Am I saying the wrong word here?” It was really really weird and rude. I also get laughed at for my regional accent when I let that slip out say Bag (bayg ) instead of “ Baag.” I’ve really tried to drop that Spokane accent but occasionally it comes out and by now it’s also mixed with the occasional thick twang of Texas, so Robb tells me that I don’t sound “ American.”  And, then I get  laughed at too. It’s so strange. Makes me very self conscious.

Robb and I and Robb’s PRIEST have been having these really long deep dives into reincarnation and parts of the Bible that contradict each other and how much of the church is dogma and made up to fill in gaps that don’t add up and souls and science experiments to try and weigh a soul, or not… and near death experiences. His priest lets me ask questions that were forbidden when I was growing up, or even into adulthood, in the Evangelical faith. It’s been interesting. I like priests better than pastors. I like that I’m not Catholic and he doesn’t care. I like that I can call bullshit on the dogma and he thinks it’s great to question everything.  He’s very intelligent. My extended family would be soooo pissed about this! I got reamed for attending a Catholic mass when I was about 12 years old. They believe that it’s a cult and I guess I could have caught the catholicism! I did though, I really wanted to be a nun! 😆 

Gonna post about Roe V Wade next.

Ok, have to run. 

Tracy

It Is Early!!

 It’s 4am…. I am sitting here with my good friend Insomnia, yay!

I have some health news. To make a really long story short, the bacterial infections that I kept getting kidney infections from had formed pockets in my spleen, which according to my spidey senses, is way better than cancer. BUT! There’s always a BUT!

I have to take a weekly injection from a couple of weeks ago until… “ We’re not exactly sure” AND, I was put on a black box antibiotic. What is that? You might ask? Well, literally poison. I’ve been on one before and I tore a tendon on the left side of my jaw, that was… Two(?) years ago. I was given a different one…. Last week I tore a tendon in the right side of my jaw. Can I take a moment to explain what that feels like?

Let’s say that you’re just eating a taco when suddenly you HEAR a ripping noise and you feel like someone has put a white hot nail into your jaw bone/lower cheekbone, and hammered it in with Jack hammer or, maybe, getting shot in the face…. One of those and then you have to dislodge the taco without moving any part of your mouth and really try not to scream, which I failed at. Of course, being my second time to this particular rodeo, I knew right away what had happened and I was not excited. 

My doctor told me to “ Be glad” that it wasn’t my achilles tendon because that’s a “ Real nightmare.” So, I was just having a sorta bad dream, I guess. Like this dude was basically, “ Whoa! You’re so lucky! Imagine if your foot was dangling off! Nightmare!” 

For the record, I’d chose none of the above if given the chance. One less antibiotic I can take, phew, for a minute there I thought I hadn’t crossed off enough of them.

As a side note, I can talk better and I had a video that was ready to go and a podcast episode so, I didn’t have to worry about that but to make myself feel better I bought another….. COAT. I know! It’s stupid! But I have an empty hole in my heart that needs to be filled with something and this month it’s been coats. This one is a very very light beige , cropped, suede with wool pockets on the chest, wool collar and wool along some of the seams and it’s brilliant. I gasped when I saw her. Why am I even in a Western Wear Store? 

Ok, I’m gonna take a bottle of Benadryl and see if I can’t get some sleep.

Good morning!

Me

Oops!

 I’ll try and post tomorrow.

Hola, Amigo!

 Is it hot where you all are? Is like hell here. Good times!

I had the biopsy of my spleen recently and am waiting for the results. In the meantime it’s feeling better. You know that’s how it works, right? 

Let’s do some quick q&a’s:

1)What are you watching now, anything you’d recommend?

Ummm, I’m watching way too many Investigation ID episodes. Haven’t seen any really good documentaries in a minute. I stopped watching 1883 because I don’t enjoy it. I am watching this show called Evil( I can’t think of what channel it’s on but I think I watch it on Hulu(?)) anyway, it actually scares me to watch some episodes in the dark so I watch it in small doses. Robb says he crosses himself when he watches it 😂😂 Catholics! And I’m obsessed with watching interrogations of murderers on YouTube. Some are guilty of really really awful crimes and it seems like the guilty all follow a certain pattern when being questioned. It’s fascinating to see how similar they are. Here’s a clue, in case you are planning on committing a brutal murder, do not answer “ what do you think?” Type of questions with anything but “ I don’t know.” Psychopaths think they’re so smart that they can lead the investigation away by suggesting things when asked those questions and, well, it’s not working.

2) Have you been paying attention to the Jan 6 Committee hearings?

I’ve watched all the televised ones. 

3) Any news on the book?

I can’t talk about it yet

4) You never wrote anything about the Roe Supreme Court decision.

I know. I can’t decide where to even begin.

5) How long have you been married?

Almost 29 years. That’s so crazy! We don’t actually have any divorced friends either. There might be something about us Gen X’ers

Have to go. I’m putting together a list of topics for my 31 Days Of Halloween. I actually start recording in about 5-6 weeks. Time really feels faster now.

Me

Spiders…..

 Two weeks ago I’m walking  in my house and I feel a prickly sensation on my upper butt cheek which reminds me that I’d woken up the night before with the same feeling so I head into the bathroom and look just under my underwear at this spot and there are three large hives. They aren’t round, they are horizontal and stacked about a centimeter apart from each other. 

I’m wondering what it could be. Other than tingling it doesn’t hurt or itch. I show my husband and after a few seconds he says “ Spider bites”

Now I’m in panic mode because I live in Texas and a spider bite can cost you a limb. I asked how he knew that and he said that he could see the puncture marks in each hive.

At that moment I had to do the “Oh, holy shit!! That happened when I was in bed and it’s under my boy shorts and BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN” dance, as is appropriate.

We decide to check it the next morning after we put new bedding on, of course. 

The next morning I’m wide awake as his alarm goes off because I’ve already seen that the bites are no longer hives, they are pus filled blisters and that doesn’t seem right.

Now, something that you may not know about me is that I am stocked up for anything medically to happen. I have a four drawer, 12 in wide, 3.5 ft tall, dresser filled with anything you will ever need for most any injury. I did that a couple years ago when I was supposed to be having grandkids around…..

So, bites, burns, colds, coughs, headache, cuts, vomiting, upset tummy, diaper rash, broken bone, bloody nose, wound closing etc… I have it. Plus about 100 sterile syringes of saline for cleaning out wounds, pads for making and area sterile and soaking up blood ( thanks to a ton of picc line supplies) if you can think of it, even homeopathic, I have it and a tea for anything that ails ya.

My husband went to get some saline and alcohol swabs and he goes to clean one and the skin…. FELL OFF. there was a hole underneath where it had been.

It was around that time that we decided to see a doctor. ASAP. I was given an antibiotic, not for the venom but for the bacteria that comes with it, had then cleaned and dressed and told to check every few hours.

Two weeks later, I finally have scabs on them. Looks like I’m gonna get to keep my right butt cheek after all. I figured that jeans were gonna be a problem otherwise.

Was it one spider that bit me three times? Or three spiders that bit me once each? This is what’s keeping me up at night right now.

Goddamn Texas.

Tracy

Friday

  Had a doctors appointment this week and basically the only thing that I took away was what mattered the most, doc said “ I love your dress! You always look so cute!” And there was something about blood tests but whatever.

She gets me. 

She’s also leaving for maternity leave today and the way she told me made me laugh so hard that I cried when my husband and I got back in the truck. All the doctors at this office used to be nurses so they have a really good bedside manner, but I’m questioning if my doctor was also a preschool teacher, here’s the convo:

“ Ok, I’m leaving on Friday for my leave. You’ve met your other doctor, you like her, she knows all about you( that doc called me “ delicate”), you’re safe. Everything will be fine and I can not wait to see you again in three months! Ok, are you alright? Yay!”

The very first time I ever met her I told her that I have ridiculous anxiety. She remembers. I felt about 4 yeas old, but not in a “bad” way, more of a psych patient way 😂😂

A couple of months ago my friend showed me a Teddy Bear Jacket that she’d gotten at a Western store, to wear this winter. Yes, in Texas we buy winter stuff in the heat of the summer because, well, as you can imaging, coats cost a lot less when it’s 100 degrees out. So do boots, velvet dresses, sweaters… you see the idea. So I bought one too because I loved it! Then I saw Beth Dutton on Yellowstone wearing my coat! I’m a cool kid too. 😎

Gotta run,

Night luvs

To answer a question….

 I’ve gotten this question several times in several ways,  so here ya go:

Curse words might be in the picture…

How could you not notice that you are almost blind in one eye?

It’s not fucking possible to be almost blind in one eye and be surprised by the test result!

Are you stupid? 

Ya, those are good ones. First no, I’m not stupid but I sure as hell would rather be than to be a fucking twat waffle.

Next, my right eye is near perfect. So, the way eyes work is if one is lagging behind, the good one says “ Aw, shit, hold my beer” and starts doing the heavy lifting. I did know my vision was becoming bad. That’s why I went, that and this one other thing… I took a selfie and one eye looked at the camera, the other eye( my left) was noticeably NOT looking at the camera. That, worried me. 

Some of you people can be such assholes in your anonymous bravery. Taking your short comings out on a complete stranger, making your dick larger, your hair blonder, you lose your body fat and your teeth come back. I’m not the one, sweetie. You will be blocked right after I verbally shred your tiny little ego looking for some tiny victory to make you feel like you’re better than that pale, bloated, wrinkly ass face that used to play something on your high school football team, back in the day, looking back at you in the mirror. No, Baby. Keep trolling right on by.

Next! 

Tracy

We’re Havin’ a Heat Wave

 A not so tropical heat wave…. More like the fire of a thousand suns! It’s been up into the 110’s! Lord, have mercy!

I had my eyes examined on Saturday because my vision was becoming really blurry. I’ve never had issues with my vision but my mom wore glasses, all four of my kids wear glasses, but I wrote it off as a side effect of a medication. So, I go strolling in all thinking that I’m gonna get me some sassy glasses, I’m never gonna be the boring glasses lady, not in this life time, so I’m kind of thinking I’m gonna be cute……

I have to have surgery…..

That’s my life in a nutshell.

 There’s a problem with my left eye and when I say that I couldn’t see through that eye for the exam I mean the doctor acted like I was a moron for not even knowing that there were letters on the screen. All I could see was the light. My right eye? Perfect vision, but eventually I’ll need surgery on that one as well, I guess. 

Yay! But it looks like I might not be getting those sassy glasses after all. 

My YM has been going through IT. She broke up with her boyfriend of seven years and he moved to Chicago last Sunday ( Thank you, Jesus!) On Wednesday she tested positive for Covid. Like the kind that kicks your ass for a few days, not the “ I think I have allergies “ kind. She couldn’t move and had no help. I ordered her groceries and meds and vitamins and teas and a robe and fuzzy socks and a heating pad and a pulse ox meter and cocoa and a new soft blanket. Had it delivered to her. I’m still a mama after all.

I’m watching 1883 and I’m not thrilled about it. It in no way inspires me to to get in a wagon train and go west. I would have planted myself firmly on the east coast if I lived back then. I’m just not built for torture.

I’m gonna go. I’m boring myself.

Tracy